How do Monos cope with Polys?

Midnight

New member
Hi Guys,

Okay, my last post was too long and boring. Sorry.

I just want to know how you cope as a mono, who has no interest in falling in love with anyone else, when your husband falls in love with someone and wants a 'special' (though not sexual) relationship with her.

I feel a bit ashamed in front of all of you, because it's not even sexual. It's just a romantic friendship they seem to want.

Should I go against my instincts and try to find someone else too?

Should we all meet up together and talk about it?

Should I just let myself feel the jealousy, and see what comes up when I just allow it?

Is this too boring for you interesting people?

xxx
 
Hi Midnight,

It's not boring at all. But I don't understand what a romantic relationship without sex is all about. I am missing something here. Are you sure he knows what he wants?
 
Romantic friendship has existed, and presumably still exists. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romantic_friendship

But Mono is right to ask, "Are you sure he knows what he wants?"

EDIT: The Wikipedia "romantic Friendship" article is about same-sex "romantic friendships," but I'm sure there have been "romantic friendships" between guys and gals as well. That is: really profound and personal love without a sexual relationship.
 
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Should I go against my instincts and try to find someone else too?
Should we all meet up together and talk about it?
Should I just let myself feel the jealousy, and see what comes up, when I just allow it?
Is this too boring for you interesting people?

Being almost fanatically mono, I think I should give a little feedback. ;)

While it is perfectly okay to explore different approaches to loving, as long as you are willing and healthy in doing so, there is a certain amount of risk involved.

If you are wired mono, like me, which it sounds like you are, and end up forming a new connection, it may cost your husband his wife. I'm saying may, not will. I am very black and white and very sure of how my heart and mind work.

If you try to force your nature to accommodate a new lover, your nature will probably override your intention of maintaining more than one connection of this kind. Romantic, sexual love connections are very different than the love of children or family members. For people like me, that connection is completely fulfilled by one person. Trust me, faking it with another is not easy and will lead to trouble.

Yes, you should definitely all meet up and talk about it. There has to be a better understanding of what each individual expects.

Definitely allow yourself to feel jealousy and tell your partner about it. Don't let it control you, though. Analyse it and seek the issues behind those feelings. When you get to the root of your jealousy, then you will be able to determine if you can handle this type of relationship.

My situation is much different from yours. I came into partnership with a woman in an established marriage, which holds great respect and power for me. Although I have a romantic/intimate relationship just with Redpepper, I consider myself in relationships with her and her husband, almost as though they were one. That makes my healthy involvement much different than if I were put in your shoes.
 
Midnight, I'm cutting a comment of yours out of "sharing success and happiness" so I can respond here.

It is humbling for me to read about this. I'm new to all of it. I feel scared and small-hearted because I want to keep my husband to myself, not have him be with the other woman he's kinda fallen in love with. But the loving way you all care for each others feelings is awe-inspiring. I'm gonna have to keep opening up to this, I think, even though it's scary and it hurts.

My situation is different than yours. I would react much differently if I were in your situation. You are encouraged to explore new relationship approaches, but certainly do not "have to" do anything!!

Read some of my other posts so you get the full journey and picture. You are not small-hearted. I truly believe there are very few people who can overcome the hurdles of a mono/poly relationship.

Did I mention you are not small-hearted?

Take care,
Mono
 
Hi Midnight,
It's not boring at all. But I don't understand what a romantic relationship without sex is all about. I am really missing something here. Are you sure he knows what he wants?

He tells me he doesn't want sex with her, although he is attracted to her. She's 20 years younger than him and very beautiful. An awful lot of our friends think he's kidding himself about the sex bit, but he insists it's not sexual for him. He's sexually very fulfilled with me, if that's relevant. Perhaps I need to check this with him a bit more.
 
Romantic friendship has existed, and presumably still exists. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romantic_friendship

Mono is right to ask "Are you sure he knows what he wants?"

The Wikipedia article is about same-sex "romantic friendships" but I'm sure there have been "romantic friendships" between guys and gals as well: really profound and personal love without a sexual relationship.

I think this might be what he's after. They have a very intellectual relationship, passionate, but not physical. But it could have developed that way because he wants to keep that boundary to protect us and our marriage. More to look into, I guess.
 
You're very kind. Thank you. I'll absorb this and see where it all takes me. Thanks again for your thoughts.
 
Considering the age difference here, I could see this either one of two ways. Denial of a very real desire to have sex, or the need to cultivate almost a father/daughter love.

Romantic friendship is way too vague for me in this, and is much more understandable in a same-sex situation for me. If he said "deep" friendship, I would have a different feeling about this. The word romantic is pretty specific when speaking of men and women, to most people.
 
He says he doesn't sexualise her, although he just told me that he has wanted to kiss her. So I'm a bit confused now. In fact, I'm fucked off! I think he is confused. I think he should search around this site, and start working out for himself what he wants.
 
Yeah. He's holding back, in my opinion, maybe not intentionally, but I bet he knows in his heart.

Then, there is also what she wants. She's young, in love, perhaps. Legitimately not wanting more intimacy is not very common. Kissing someone you love is very powerful. It's a landslide that is hard to stop.
 
Should I go against my instincts and try to find someone else too?
NO! Definitely not. Trust your instincts. Be true to yourself.
Should we all meet up together and talk about it?
Yes. Definitely.
Should I just let myself feel the jealousy, and see what comes up, when I just allow it?
It may be very useful to you to find out what is triggering your feelings of jealousy, so that those root causes can be addressed. For instance, if insecurity is the underlying cause, you and the other two could work on ways to help you feel secure, safe and supported in your relationships, which should reduce the jealousy.
Is this too boring for you interesting people?
Goodness, no, sweetie! We are all here to help one another!
 
Thanks for this, Fidelia. You're all amazingly sweet.

I've got another question, which I'll post in the right place, with a quote.
 
You all seem to be saying we should all get together and talk about it.

Here's my question:

This all started about 2 years ago. After meeting her, and exploring the idea of them having a 'friendship,' I decided I couldn't trust it. (They'd been lying to me.) I eventually asked my husband to choose between the two of us. He chose me. They've been missing each other ever since. They have had the occasional email contact.

If I open things up again, and invite a conversation, I'm worried that that will commit me in some way. Is it fair on her, for me to invite her into a conversation, if I'm not sure I want to commit to anything? I'm not even sure I can trust her, really.
 
If you open a discussion on the topic, that's what you're committing to: a discussion. Also, how could any of you make any committments to each other without first thoroughly discussing the issues at hand?

If they had been lying to you, I wouldn't blame you if you shut down altogether to the possibility of signing on for more of the same. So the fact that you are even open to discussing the issue speaks well of your open-mindedness and desire to see that all of you are having your needs met. It is not selfish to protect your heart, especially in cases where it's been put at risk in the past. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your personal integrity. How can I love someone else until I first find and nurture that love inside myself?
I'm not even sure I can trust her.
Is it that you are not sure you can trust her, or is it that you already distrust her? If you're not sure, perhaps you can open the door to building trust. If you distrust her, you're done, and there's nothing left to discuss. (I personally would not waste time discussing becoming involved with someone I distrusted.)
 
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It may be very useful to you to find out what is triggering your feelings of jealousy, so that those root causes can be addressed.. For instance, if insecurity is the underlying cause, you and your others could work on ways to help you feel secure, safe and supported in your relationships, which should reduce the jealousy.

A question about this, please!

What I'm noticing is I don't doubt B's love for me. I'm very clear that he loves me. I'm sure insecurity is an important aspect of it. I almost feel 'lesser' because I don't fall in love with others myself. I actually suspect there's envy in there for me. I.e., I find it a bit unbearable to think of him loving someone else, when I'm not interested in that. I wanna have some of that for myself (except that I dont).

I also seem to be attached to the exclusivity of our love. I don't like the feeling of that leaching out to anyone else. I have the same feeling about sex. It's a sacred union, exclusive, which is what makes it sacred to me. (Luckily he's not challenging me on that one. He seems mono himself when it comes to sex.)

Any suggestions for how I get to a deeper understanding of the issues around my jealousy, and how I get support from him/them in that?
 
It may be very useful to you to find out what is triggering your feelings of jealousy, so that those root causes can be addressed.. For instance, if insecurity is the underlying cause, you and your others could work on ways to help you feel secure, safe and supported in your relationships, which should reduce the jealousy.

A question about this please!

What I'm noticing is I don't doubt B's love for me. I'm very clear that he loves me. I'm sure insecurity is an important aspect of it. Almost feel 'lesser' cos I don't fall in love with others myself. I actually suspect there's envy in there for me - i.e. I find it a bit unbearable to think of him loving someone else, when I'm not interested in that - I wanna have some of that for myself (except that I dont). I also seem to be attached to the exclusivity of our love. Don't like the feeling of that leaching out to anyone else. Have the same feeling about sex - it's a sacred union - it's exclusive which is what for me makes it sacred.... (luckily he's not challenging me on that one - seems mono himself when it comes to sex)

Any suggestions for how I get to a deeper understanding of the issues around my jealousy, and how I get support from him/them in that?

I'm wondering if you missed this question I posted about dealing with the jealous feelings, and getting support around the feelings of insecurity. Sorry if I'm hassling.
 
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