How do Monos cope with Polys?

Fidelia

New member
It may be very useful to you to find out what is triggering your feelings of jealousy, so that those root causes can be addressed.. For instance, if insecurity is the underlying cause, you and your others could work on ways to help you feel secure, safe and supported in your relationships, which should reduce the jealousy.

A question about this please!

What I'm noticing is I don't doubt B's love for me. I'm very clear that he loves me. I'm sure insecurity is an important aspect of it. Almost feel 'lesser' cos I don't fall in love with others myself. I actually suspect there's envy in there for me - i.e. I find it a bit unbearable to think of him loving someone else, when I'm not interested in that - I wanna have some of that for myself (except that I dont). I also seem to be attached to the exclusivity of our love. Don't like the feeling of that leaching out to anyone else. Have the same feeling about sex - it's a sacred union - it's exclusive which is what for me makes it sacred.... (luckily he's not challenging me on that one - seems mono himself when it comes to sex)

Any suggestions for how I get to a deeper understanding of the issues around my jealousy, and how I get support from him/them in that?
When you find yourself experiencing jealousy, take a minute to ask your self why? Be honest with yourself, and trust your gut. You've already identified much about it, in this post. You feel "lesser" (which is a threat to your self-esteem). You feel envious, which indicates you feel you may be missing out on something. You may be conflicted (you want some of that, except that you don't). All of these are issues that can be addressed, and as you look deeper into what you're experiencing you may find more.

How can you get him/them to support you in resolving the deeper issues behind the jealousy? Recognizing that the work to be done is primarily yours, because the feelings are yours, you can talk to them about how you feel, and ask them to help. For instance, as you work on the self-esteem issue, you can ask him/them for reassurance of your worth and value to him/them. You can talk to him/them about what you are envious of, and explore those conflcted feelings. Really, talk and talk and talk some more. It helps.

I'm sure there are other, wiser poly-folk on the forum who can give better advice, but there's a place to start.
 

Fidelia

New member
I'm wondering if you missed this question I posted - about dealing with the jealousy feelings, and getting support around the feelings of insecurity.... sorry if I'm hassling...:)

I didn't miss it, but I was carefully considering my response.

Plus, I'm not the fastest typist.
 

Fidelia

New member
Ta very much
and sorry I kept addressing you! Will search around for other wise souls
xx
I really am glad to help if I can. :)

And I'm sure some of the other, wiser and more experience folks here will weigh in. There are plenty of them around. :)
 

redpepper

New member
What troubles me about all this is that he wants to call it poly. It isn't poly for a man and woman to have a friendship. I have lots of close male friends that I am not interested in having sex with, but I am very close with. There is nothing wrong with that. Even if there is sexual tension I know where I stand and I am firm with them.

Poly is a sexual and intimate relationship. I would certainly question his motives if he wants to call it that.

You certainly don't have to look into another partner if yours is. Why would you want to do that? Its like the whole question of would you jump off a bridge if others were.

Be yourself always. Its as simple as that. What's hard is knowing who you are so you can be yourself.
 
Fidelia's posts are all right on the money, there isn't a lot to expand on (And really Fidelia, your as wise a soul as any!).

I do question the sex bit as well. ITmay very well be that he is tellig you the absolute truth, I won't say that he's not! I will say with absolute certainty that in my experience, denying those attractions and refusing to act on them is VERY different than not having them! I can also say that never, not once ever, have I wanted to kiss a girl I was romantically interested in without the desire - whether or not acted upon or even intending to act upon - to go further being present.

I don't want to upset you or call your husbands integrity into question! But if this is going to be sorted out, he needs to be honest with himself as well as with you - because you ca't be honest with ANYONE if you're not honest with yourself!

As for you coping... Well, first of all, no more "small hearted" crap, LOL! The fact that you're even trying to understand these things - much less going to a place like these boards to gain perspective and advice from people who identify as yourhusband does - speaks VOLLUMES to your character and BIG heart! Would that my exes were so desirous to make things work (OK, not true, because then I might have missed out on Violet and Anne, which is not ok with me at this point, lol). The big question is, do you feel that this situation detracts from his attentions where you're concerned? If you can honestly say no, that you do not feel that under any circumstnaces he would leave you or lessen his interest and attentions for you, well, then maybe work on supporting what may be of tremendous benifit to your relationship as he will likely gain a tremendous level of appreciation and love for you as he recognizes that you are "letting him be him". I didn't put that very well, I hope the point came across right. Conversly, if you feel that his involvement with her causes him to lose interest in you or detreact from your relaationship, well - he's not poly s we here tend to view it! The whole point of this thing is that it magnifies and multiplies the feelings we have for each individual partner. I know that's the case with my situation - I loved Violet so imensly that it almost hurt - and when thing starte to come together with Anne, my love for each feeds off the other and my feelings for both are increased exponentially! If he's like that, than you will know love from him far in excess of what you thought possible as things progress with her. "Love doesn't divide, it multiplies" - Robert Heinlein Ergo, if it divides, it ain't love! ;)
 

redpepper

New member
What troubles me about all this is that he wants to call it poly. It isn't poly for a man and woman to have a friendship. I have lots of close male friends that I am not interested in having sex with, but I am very close with. There is nothing wrong with that. Even if there is sexual tension I know where I stand and I am firm with them.

Poly is a sexual and intimate relationship. I would certainly question his motives if he wants to call it that.

You certainly don't have to look into another partner if yours is. Why would you want to do that? Its like the whole question of would you jump off a bridge if others were.

Be yourself always. Its as simple as that. What's hard is knowing who you are so you can be yourself.

Oh my, I missed two pages... opps, I'm so far behind.... seems that it's taken care of by Fidelea.
so I'll bow out. sorry.
 

redpepper

New member
okay I do have some stuff to say....

I agree with HappiestManalive first of all. You do indeed have a big heart to be even considering all this! Good for you for doing the work necessary to keep your heart safe and to keep learning about yourself and your relationship.

What is husband doing to achieve this I wonder?

I am sorry but your husband bugs, I have to admit. The whole older man with a younger woman thing is what it is. She is 20 years younger and hot?! I would really struggle with that. If she were the same age or older and ugly by conventional standards would he be so interested? Also, would he want to kiss her (which equals wanting to have sex with her.... hello?! There is not much difference... any of us who have kissed passionately know that!)?

I'm sorry my friend, I think you are being fed a line that he thinks you want to hear. I would be very surprised if this girl weren't looking for a Daddy figure and your husband wasn't getting off on a sweet young thing thinking he is interesting enough to be friends with him. Mid life crisis perhaps? That can come at any age really.... and I suspect if she is 20 years younger that he is at least in his late 30's?

Jealousy is a means to figuring out what fear is going on for you? Your gut is telling you something just isn't right and you need to look at that specifically. It could be an artificial fear, but I suspect not under these kinds of circumstances. You and your monogamous heart feel threatened and rightly so.

If I were in your situation, provided that things are as I am thinking, I would be telling him what I REALLY think is going on. If he admits to it then he'll need to know that he has to get his priorities straight. Perhaps seek some help in doing so. He has a responsibility to be honest and open, not communicate what he THINKS you want to hear, otherwise you will be there for ever trying to figure it out while his lust and desire for this girl get stronger and stronger. If he really wants to be poly then he has to get a grip on how to communicate this way (radical honesty) to you as do you to him.

Yes, big thumbs up on meeting with the girl AFTER he has fessed up to what is REALLY going on for him.... provided he still wants to pursue her that is.... if I am right, he might feel the fool and back away. That is okay too, it takes a big man to admit his desire for girls that think he's cool when he feels like an old man.
 
Red - they've been together for 30 years, so late 40's is probably closer, more likely early 50's, putting "her" late 20's or early 30's. Most girls have their daddy issues if not handled, than at leaast under control by then, LOL. Of course that varies, but I digress. The "older man/yonger woman" thing is a sensitive spot for me - at 34 I'm not old my any stretch, but people around me are somewhat critical of both my and Viiolet's motivations because of the 13 year age gap (she'll be 21 in January). It annoys me, lol.

Moving on...

What troubles me about all this is that he wants to call it poly. It isn't poly for a man and woman to have a friendship. I have lots of close male friends that I am not interested in having sex with, but I am very close with. There is nothing wrong with that. Even if there is sexual tension I know where I stand and I am firm with them.

Poly is a sexual and intimate relationship. I would certainly question his motives if he wants to call it that.

I'm a little put off by that statement, and I wonder if you could expound on it or clarify it a bit? There are many people for whom a relationship can be more than a friendship or more accurately different than a friendship without being sexually intimate. ???
 

redpepper

New member
You will notice, dear HMA that I said, "if this is true." I have no idea what the deal is, so I quite humanly go to generalizations. I am sorry about your sensitivities in regards to the age gap thing. I myself have a husband that is seven years younger than I (mono is two years younger) and realize that some people are more mature at younger ages and less at older ages. It balances out sometimes. I am in doubt of it working out with a 20 year gap unless the daddy complex or something else is going on.

What twigged me was the talk of her being good looking and him saying he wanted a romantic friendship, then wanted to kiss her. I'm sorry, but there is way too much in all that that spells out older dude going through midlife stuff. Especially if he is in his late 40's! Perhaps I am wrong, I'm not always right.

Please read again what I said about what I think poly is and then read what you want me to explain, cause I don't think we are differing in opinion about it.
 
I was not offended in any way by your statement re age gap, I threw that comment in because it's a pet peeve, lol.

I was asking for claarification re the "it's not poly if it doesn't involve intimacy" bit. As for your concerns about his motivations, I think you are correct in findong our views very much the same.
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
I was not offended in any way by your statement re age gap, I threw that comment in because it's a pet peeve, lol.

I was asking for claarification re the "it's not poly if it doesn't involve intimacy" bit. As for your concerns about his motivations, I think you are correct in findong our views very much the same.


This forum was having a discussion a month or two ago about whether "intimacy" is synonymous with "sexual activity". There is a whole spectrum of differing opinions regarding this topic. The following dissertation applies to any relationship, mono or poly:

If someone wants to kiss someone else on the mouth or in any way other than "Hello/Goodbye" or hold hands other than for the purpose of not getting separated in a large crowd, that crosses the line from "platonic friends" to "romantic friends". Any further than that (touching the "fun parts", snuggling while naked, etc.) crosses the line from "just friends" to "fooling around", and ANY time there is the intent or attempt to have an orgasm by one or more of the persons involved crosses the line from "fooling around" to "having sex".

I'm sure I'm leaving out some variations on the theme, and I recognize that I did not address how "intimacy" fits into the above descriptions. I simply cannot cover all the bases by myself at this time...

I know that there are other people on this forum who either draw the lines in different places or just flat-out disagree with some of what I just said.
 
Last edited:

redpepper

New member
I never said that intimacy is not poly. I said the opposite. I said poly is a sexual and intimate relationship. It sounds like he is asking to have sex with his friend. That to me is not poly. Its having an open relationship. Poly is about love and the kind of commitment that goes beyond just a casual fuck out of horniness. Its a lot of work and effort to be certain that everyones needs are met and continue to be satisfied with the situation. Especially after the NRE wears off. I am not convinced this guy is coming from that perspective.

There is a thread that I know of way back called the definition of poly (I think) from way back where we discussed it all.
 
You read my statement backwards, lol. I said:

I was asking for claarification re the "it's not poly if it doesn't involve intimacy" bit.

I believe that it's possible to go past friends and into "involved in the relationship" without involving physical intimacy. Less involved than would be otherwise to be certain - but with Lana in our situation for instance, the PHYSICAL intimacy is almost nonexistant, whereas with Anne it is very much part of our interactions all around. While Lana isn't considered part of our triad as such, she is absolutely part of our defacto family - couldn't have it otherwise if we tried, lol!
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
There is also an older thread regarding asexual relationships and people with emotional attachments who don't have sex for one reason or another.

I'm too tired to go find it for you. You'll have to look for it yourself.
 

vandalin

New member
YGirl, I like what you said and how you have it "classified" as this is going to be on my mind this coming week when I see Elric again. He seems to be the type who does hold hands or puts an arm around his female friends but in a friendly gesture as opposed to romantic...at least that seems to be the impression I get.
 

redpepper

New member
I must say I struggle with the asexual poly thing. But maybe I just have very touchy friendships? I dunno. If the touching is sexual maybe I would get it?
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
I must say I struggle with the asexual poly thing. But maybe I just have very touchy friendships? I dunno. If the touching is sexual maybe I would get it?


I think some folks can have the "love feeling" but be turned off toward the sex act(s) for whatever reason. Not ME or YOU, but SOME people.
 

redpepper

New member
Ya but... I have love for my friends?! Not sexual love with most of them, but love that makes me want to be close to them, hold their hand, cuddle them, etc. What's the dif?
 
Top