I (42F) was ambivalent about starting a new connection with a guy (47M) who also had another connection starting out at the same time. We live in different countries, the other connection was local to him. We started talking on Bumble at the end of November. The way things have played out though, our connection has been much more intense, and after a second date with this other person, that one fizzled out (he told me last week he sent a message to say goodbye after about two months of no-contact).
In the meantime we’ve met twice:
- once at the end of January, after his second and last date with the other person - we were meant to spend a weekend together, but I cancelled it and instead went for a coffee, which turned into a gym session, which turned into a spa date, and then finished with amazing sex (we both came at the same time - which was a first for both of us on a first encounter); we also spent the night together but he had to leave early to catch a flight; at that time I decided not to give a damn about his other connection anymore, but I wasn’t going to see him again if it continued (due to an autoimmune condition I prefer not to have partners who date multiple people)
- a second time at the end of February - he invited me to his home for a long weekend, and once again we had an amazing time. We were extremely comfortable around each other, even sharing a bed after intimacy (prior to this we talked about the fact that we both struggled with this part when it came to new partners - so we were prepared to use different bedrooms). He initiated sex every evening and morning, and I was happy to play along (and a bit sore after three days and nights, haha). He described the sex as “mind blowing”, and mentioned how it hasn’t happened often to him to have such compatibility with someone, not just from a sexual point of view, but also generally spending time together (doing some sightseeing, shopping, cooking, sharing laughs, working together from his flat etc). He is relatively new to being poly, had a few dates but doesn’t have amazing success with it as he’s meeting people over apps. This was the first time he spent such a long time with someone other than his partner.
Now here comes the reason for this post. After I left, his partner (49F) was apparently shaken by the fact that we had we spent such a long time together - she had even seen her therapist on the last day I was there to try and process it all (I feel that he shares quite a lot with me about her, although I didn’t ask/don’t need to know… at one time he said he only shared basic information about me with her). She was not into ENM or poly when they met, but his condition for the two of them having a relationship was that it would not be monogamous - therefore she has been slowly bringing herself to accept the reality of him dating other people during the last 1.5 years, and she is also trying to give it a go herself.
He has now booked flights to visit me at the end of May for four days, and while we were joking around that next time we should try having sex at lunch as well and beat the previous record of six times, he shared that his partner was very shocked by that number. I had previously offered to meet her for a lowkey coffee if she was ever up for it (which she felt flattered about, apparently), which I would have never done had I known she would be aware of this level of detail regarding my sex life with him. I really feel like her asking the question about how many times we had sex during our weekend together was in very poor taste - and him answering it was even worse. He confirmed however that nothing else was shared (although we did go to a sex shop together where we each bought a few things - I sometimes like to wear a butt plug during doggy, I obviously used my own during our time at his flat; he got the same model to try it with his partner and three days later told me she really liked it - so I felt this was also something she knows about our time together, when I don’t know/don’t need/don’t want to know the same about their sex life - I felt he could have waited a couple of weeks).
I asked why he would share with her how may times we had sex, and his explanation was that he wanted to be open and transparent, and that their relationship is about honesty, which is what he would also expect from her when she starts dating. I asked why he thought she would want to know something as intimate as this - his reply was that she felt threatened at one point about me being very attractive (without sounding arrogant, I am very hot - I turn heads wherever I go, and I’ve never struggled with dating any man I was interested in; in this case, I am also the youngest he has ever dated). To me, the explanation didn’t even add up, because hearing how many times one’s partner has had sex with someone hotter and younger surely wouldn’t do any good to one’s confidence. I explained that I was disappointed he shared this intimate detail about our weekend without even considering if I consented to this being shared. I told him that to me it feels invasive and unnecessary. His apology was “I am sorry my actions make you feel that way” which I felt made things even worse because it’s not an acknowledgment of any wrongdoing or bad judgement, but rather a deflection that suggests I was being overly sensitive. I also feel like he would never stick up for me because this has now created a precedent - and every time a question like that is being asked he will honour her “need to know” (because of whatever reason) over my sense of privacy.
Looking for some collective wisdom here. Is he an ass and I should stop wasting my time, or am I overreacting? What does one get from knowing the number of times a partner has had sex with someone else? I am poly myself, together with my husband for 14 years and this is maybe my fifth connection during this time - but I had never felt the need to report on or inquire about sexual activities, I feel like it’s so disrespectful (especially without being given the heads-up to the other person that this would be shared). My husband is a gentleman who has never, ever asked. Thank you to anyone who has made it this far.
In the meantime we’ve met twice:
- once at the end of January, after his second and last date with the other person - we were meant to spend a weekend together, but I cancelled it and instead went for a coffee, which turned into a gym session, which turned into a spa date, and then finished with amazing sex (we both came at the same time - which was a first for both of us on a first encounter); we also spent the night together but he had to leave early to catch a flight; at that time I decided not to give a damn about his other connection anymore, but I wasn’t going to see him again if it continued (due to an autoimmune condition I prefer not to have partners who date multiple people)
- a second time at the end of February - he invited me to his home for a long weekend, and once again we had an amazing time. We were extremely comfortable around each other, even sharing a bed after intimacy (prior to this we talked about the fact that we both struggled with this part when it came to new partners - so we were prepared to use different bedrooms). He initiated sex every evening and morning, and I was happy to play along (and a bit sore after three days and nights, haha). He described the sex as “mind blowing”, and mentioned how it hasn’t happened often to him to have such compatibility with someone, not just from a sexual point of view, but also generally spending time together (doing some sightseeing, shopping, cooking, sharing laughs, working together from his flat etc). He is relatively new to being poly, had a few dates but doesn’t have amazing success with it as he’s meeting people over apps. This was the first time he spent such a long time with someone other than his partner.
Now here comes the reason for this post. After I left, his partner (49F) was apparently shaken by the fact that we had we spent such a long time together - she had even seen her therapist on the last day I was there to try and process it all (I feel that he shares quite a lot with me about her, although I didn’t ask/don’t need to know… at one time he said he only shared basic information about me with her). She was not into ENM or poly when they met, but his condition for the two of them having a relationship was that it would not be monogamous - therefore she has been slowly bringing herself to accept the reality of him dating other people during the last 1.5 years, and she is also trying to give it a go herself.
He has now booked flights to visit me at the end of May for four days, and while we were joking around that next time we should try having sex at lunch as well and beat the previous record of six times, he shared that his partner was very shocked by that number. I had previously offered to meet her for a lowkey coffee if she was ever up for it (which she felt flattered about, apparently), which I would have never done had I known she would be aware of this level of detail regarding my sex life with him. I really feel like her asking the question about how many times we had sex during our weekend together was in very poor taste - and him answering it was even worse. He confirmed however that nothing else was shared (although we did go to a sex shop together where we each bought a few things - I sometimes like to wear a butt plug during doggy, I obviously used my own during our time at his flat; he got the same model to try it with his partner and three days later told me she really liked it - so I felt this was also something she knows about our time together, when I don’t know/don’t need/don’t want to know the same about their sex life - I felt he could have waited a couple of weeks).
I asked why he would share with her how may times we had sex, and his explanation was that he wanted to be open and transparent, and that their relationship is about honesty, which is what he would also expect from her when she starts dating. I asked why he thought she would want to know something as intimate as this - his reply was that she felt threatened at one point about me being very attractive (without sounding arrogant, I am very hot - I turn heads wherever I go, and I’ve never struggled with dating any man I was interested in; in this case, I am also the youngest he has ever dated). To me, the explanation didn’t even add up, because hearing how many times one’s partner has had sex with someone hotter and younger surely wouldn’t do any good to one’s confidence. I explained that I was disappointed he shared this intimate detail about our weekend without even considering if I consented to this being shared. I told him that to me it feels invasive and unnecessary. His apology was “I am sorry my actions make you feel that way” which I felt made things even worse because it’s not an acknowledgment of any wrongdoing or bad judgement, but rather a deflection that suggests I was being overly sensitive. I also feel like he would never stick up for me because this has now created a precedent - and every time a question like that is being asked he will honour her “need to know” (because of whatever reason) over my sense of privacy.
Looking for some collective wisdom here. Is he an ass and I should stop wasting my time, or am I overreacting? What does one get from knowing the number of times a partner has had sex with someone else? I am poly myself, together with my husband for 14 years and this is maybe my fifth connection during this time - but I had never felt the need to report on or inquire about sexual activities, I feel like it’s so disrespectful (especially without being given the heads-up to the other person that this would be shared). My husband is a gentleman who has never, ever asked. Thank you to anyone who has made it this far.
Overall I feel there’s been three of us in that relationship and it’s exhausting. I’ve never had to do so much relationship management before (but then my partners were mostly single, which was much easier)…
