lostinlove16
Member
Pretty much like i said before. Doing some kind of egg/jelly bean hunt (depending on the weather) and baskets for the kids in the morning. Then dinner with her family that evening.
From 0-100 in 3 weeks
- Thread starter lostinlove16
- Start date
dingedheart
Well-known member
Is it possible her mother/parents shit-canned her Canada
trip because they didn't want awkwardness or the topic of conversation focused on the one person missing from the picture?lostinlove16
Member
Anything is possible, but im quite sure she hadnt mentioned anything about the trip to her family. They dont even know that she's in a relationship with Leo.Is it possible her mother/parents shit-canned her Canada
dingedheart
Well-known member
How many people or families are in attendance at the parents for Easter or other holidays? Do they live close? Have there been any discussions on when or what to do with “coming out,“ so to speak, to her parents/family?
Were you and the kids expected to show for dinner, with her being in Canada? If so, would you then all be expected to lie for her?
I read so many question marks in the comments, but this sound like a no-drama conversation that settled all the practicalities. She's not going, ok, we celebrate Easter as usual.
I personally would certainly ask what happened to the trip, out of a concern for the well-being of my partner. But that's given by the level of sharing we usually have.
I'd also ask them to let me know about a change in scheduling immediately and not have me overhear it at random.
But from her point of view? "Ok" is ok. Husband knows now. No need to discuss.
dingedheart
Well-known member
Have you even been married? Sometimes life and a life partnership are about more than the settled practicalities.
It doesn’t sound like any of the “practicalities“ of the trip and the resulting conflict with Easter with her family were discussed prior to accepting the invitation. And subsequently the cancellation wasn’t discussed, either. I think the mistake you might be making is thinking "okay" is reflective of the whole situation, rather than specifically her remaining home/not going.
Would you consider this good hinge communication? Good hinge behavior? Does this help push people toward poly hell or pull them out of poly hell?
I think it’s pretty presumptuous to think you know her point of view on how she thinks or knows the definitive meaning of a one-word response from her husband, or their shared history on such things.
lostinlove16
Member
It's probably like 10-15 people, just close family. If she were gone we wouldn't be having dinner with her family.
Between the 2 of us there hasn't been any discussion about telling her family anything (or mine, for that matter).
lostinlove16
Member
So I feel its probably a good point to re-solidify the fact that we arent officially poly yet. I am doing my best to navigate things in a way that would make a poly lifestyle successful. A lot of this still revolves around the fact that I dont know if she intends to remain in any kind of relationship with me at this point, but she is very actively pursuing one with Leo. She and I are currently still married and interacting every day, but this last week or so it has been very platonic as opposed to intimate.
lostinlove16
Member
I know its been some time so I wanted to give an update. The short version is Im pretty sure our marriage is done, not officially as of yet, but her consistent actions doesn't lend to any other conclusion for me.
I dont remember if I touched on it or not, but last month was Leo's birthday and she planned/reserved a paint splatter room for it. Overall no big deal, but she made plans and surprised him with it all for background context. When speaking about my birthday (which was last week) she simply asked what I wanted to do, and I told her "I dont want to have to decide, whatever you all (her and kids) decide is fine. Jump forward a few weeks to my birthday, she takes a half day off work so I go to meet her in that area (rural hometown, where she works is the closest "city") for lunch. First thing Carrie asks, "Where do I want to eat?" Then its "Do I want to do something, is there a movie I want to watch?" Total opposite of what I had said, but it was a month ago and maybe she forgot the conversation so I let it go and we have a good afternoon. The kids did a whole thing for dinner, set up like a Cafe and all that.
Then its late evening, the night of my birthday. About 10pm, she packs an overnight bag and goes to Leo's place (his parents house as a reminder). Her reasoning is because she picked up a 7-11am shift at the ER and doesn't want to get up "early" to get there. We live 30 minutes away at most, and yes he lives 5 away, but really she cant give up 40 minutes of sleep to stay the night with me on my birthday.. So clearly he is her priority and I have been relegated to roommate essentially. We havent had sex in at least 2 weeks (absolutely nothing even initiated on my birthday) and even simply cuddling rarely happens anymore.
As of last week she applied for an apartment, its maybe 3 minutes away mostly for the kids sake. We had talked about the apartment thing as a way for us to be able to have that separate space, but it still sucks. And obviously I dont know for sure, but id guess she only told me because I could tell something was bugging her and I asked very specifically what was upsetting her. She has been doing a lot of lying by omission lately which is why I feel that way. Small example was she was supposed to have a "girls night" with some friends, but after his work shift Leo joined them at the hotel overnight; and she had no intention of telling me.
So tldr recap: Carrie has made Leo her priority and I am basically left behind. She isnt making any real attempt to treat/consider a poly relationship and is only giving him any intimacy (not just sex).
I dont remember if I touched on it or not, but last month was Leo's birthday and she planned/reserved a paint splatter room for it. Overall no big deal, but she made plans and surprised him with it all for background context. When speaking about my birthday (which was last week) she simply asked what I wanted to do, and I told her "I dont want to have to decide, whatever you all (her and kids) decide is fine. Jump forward a few weeks to my birthday, she takes a half day off work so I go to meet her in that area (rural hometown, where she works is the closest "city") for lunch. First thing Carrie asks, "Where do I want to eat?" Then its "Do I want to do something, is there a movie I want to watch?" Total opposite of what I had said, but it was a month ago and maybe she forgot the conversation so I let it go and we have a good afternoon. The kids did a whole thing for dinner, set up like a Cafe and all that.
Then its late evening, the night of my birthday. About 10pm, she packs an overnight bag and goes to Leo's place (his parents house as a reminder). Her reasoning is because she picked up a 7-11am shift at the ER and doesn't want to get up "early" to get there. We live 30 minutes away at most, and yes he lives 5 away, but really she cant give up 40 minutes of sleep to stay the night with me on my birthday.. So clearly he is her priority and I have been relegated to roommate essentially. We havent had sex in at least 2 weeks (absolutely nothing even initiated on my birthday) and even simply cuddling rarely happens anymore.
As of last week she applied for an apartment, its maybe 3 minutes away mostly for the kids sake. We had talked about the apartment thing as a way for us to be able to have that separate space, but it still sucks. And obviously I dont know for sure, but id guess she only told me because I could tell something was bugging her and I asked very specifically what was upsetting her. She has been doing a lot of lying by omission lately which is why I feel that way. Small example was she was supposed to have a "girls night" with some friends, but after his work shift Leo joined them at the hotel overnight; and she had no intention of telling me.
So tldr recap: Carrie has made Leo her priority and I am basically left behind. She isnt making any real attempt to treat/consider a poly relationship and is only giving him any intimacy (not just sex).
Sorry to hear about that. I don't know if divorce is now on the table, or if that is lurking later on down the line. It sounds like she is monkey-branching, using poly as an excuse to grab one branch (Leo) before letting go of the other (you). I hope she'll at least be a decent coparent, and that you'll find someone more faithful to be with.
lostinlove16
Member
Divorce is in consideration, we picked up the paperwork not too long ago "just in case" but havent really made any moves towards filling it out and filing.
I have absolutely zero concerns about co-parenting. She is a great mom and there isnt any hostility between us for the kids tk get caught in. My only real concern (maybe a bit strong of a word but I don't know a better one) is how much Leo is going to be interjecting into their lives, and it being too much too quickly. He has in texts with her made reference to having a family with her in the context of the kids (she has no desire for more kids due to medical stuff, and unless theres a drastic change plans to get her "tubes tied"). That is something I have been extremely vocal about not being ok with; while she doesn't think that he meant it like I take it, she has agreed that he will not be assuming a "father role" with them.
I'm afraid if you divorce and split childcare, you no longer get a say in who enters the kids' life on her side. I.e., should they live together, there's no other way, logistically, than him becoming a third parent.
lostinlove16
Member
I understand that, but i dont have to like it. And I guess to be a bit clearer my issue stems from his assertion/assumption that it is going to happen, and this was happening even early on in the relationship. Like within the first month or two early.
I just reread your other thread and this one. It seems like Carrie and Leo have only been dating since February, or maybe a bit earlier. It's now May 1. That is just barely 4 months, if I have the timing right. I just can't see what kind of future a 40-year old woman with two children has with a 20-year old young man. Is he even gainfully employed? Is he in college? He's still living with his parents. Is she spending lots of money on him?
This all sounds like a clash of a swinging and polyamory mismatch, a mom who is having a midlife crisis, and you and she maybe outgrowing each other, or growing apart, after having been together since age 14. I think she is highly infatuated and off her rocker a bit. It happens. Leo is probably making her feel like a young woman again. (Not that 40 is old.)
I am not sure divorce is the best option right now. We often say that no big decisions (like divorce, moving in, or remarriage) should be made during at least the first year or two of a new relationship. Nature tricks us into thinking we are in love and will be together forever, when really, it's just hormones, sex, romance, rose-colored glasses. Love takes time and going through hardships well together to become actually real and trustworthy. And of course, there are the children to consider.
Have you two even begun couples counseling?
This all sounds like a clash of a swinging and polyamory mismatch, a mom who is having a midlife crisis, and you and she maybe outgrowing each other, or growing apart, after having been together since age 14. I think she is highly infatuated and off her rocker a bit. It happens. Leo is probably making her feel like a young woman again. (Not that 40 is old.)
I am not sure divorce is the best option right now. We often say that no big decisions (like divorce, moving in, or remarriage) should be made during at least the first year or two of a new relationship. Nature tricks us into thinking we are in love and will be together forever, when really, it's just hormones, sex, romance, rose-colored glasses. Love takes time and going through hardships well together to become actually real and trustworthy. And of course, there are the children to consider.
Have you two even begun couples counseling?
It's obviously not wise of her to separate/divorce because of a youngling she's been dating for three months, unfortunately, it looks different from lostinlove's perspective :/ She's shifted her attention entirely, stopped sharing intimacy, stopped communicating the practicalities, doing lies of omission. That's pushing too far, and it's a breach of trust. You can deal with a partner in NRE who is distracted but sincerely trying for a year till they come down from their cloud... But can you do the same with someone who just checked out?
[I mean, yeah, technically you can... and it might save the relationship eventually... but the cost is really high.]
[I mean, yeah, technically you can... and it might save the relationship eventually... but the cost is really high.]
I'm sorry to hear that.
I guess at this point you decide if you are filling it in and will go to the courthouse to file it. Or if you are going to postpone doing that til ____?
Do you kow your limit? Or are you at or past limit already?
She sounds pretty checked out. The lies are not great either.
Galagirl
dingedheart
Well-known member
We? You went together to pick up the paperwork? Whose idea was that? A) to forward think this is the direction things are going, AND B) to go together to pick up the paperwork?
You can download those forms online now. Why are you needling the OP?
dingedheart
Well-known member
Wasn’t my intention to needle anyone. I was just wondering who was driving this effort. If she’s out filling out apartment applications, etc., etc., and lots of sketchy communication (lies by omission) is/was that a coordinated effort to push him to his break point?
Without rereading all of his threads or posts, it was my understanding he was bending over backwards to make a poly dynamic work and to avoid at all cost separation or divorce. AND from what I recall (which could be way off) his wife, at least in the beginning, wasn’t advocating for divorce. I also thought there was a discussion of couples counseling to perhaps smooth out some of the expectations and day to day friction going on.
Going together to pick up divorce paper work seems more friendly and amicable than how it’s being described from his end.
He said "we picked up the paperwork" which doesn't imply they "went together" in "a friendly and amicable" way. It comes across as if you're searching for holes and inconsistencies in his story.
I do understand why you might be triggered by this since it's treading into territory similar to the one your now ex-wife did, but please try to keep your characteristic snarky rhetoric to the barest possible minimum kthx.