1 girl is enough for me

[someguy21]

I'm a husband seeking advice.

I have been married for 12 years to the love of my life and we have 3 kids. She is my one and only. I was her one and only for years, but about 2 years ago she begged and pleaded with me to let her have casual sexual relationships with women. I said no for a long time, but eventually said yes. She began having lesbian sex with women, mostly met at the bar she worked at. She was very open with me and would ask me permission every time and she would never sleep over. She always came home to me and our kids after every adventure.

Her desires grew and she even had a few lesbian orgies.

All during this time we had a good relationship and the marriage was still strong and we were happy. But as time has gone on, she has little to no desire to have sex with her husband. We are having sex now maybe once every 3 months. It's so hard on me.

Meanwhile she's been with well over 20 girls. She says the solution to my problem is that I simply need to join her and have a threesome to start, and move on from there. I'm very nervous because I have only been with my wife, and even though I have her permission, it feels like cheating.

Thanks for listening to me rant. Any advice is welcome. And by the way, we both agree we have no desire for divorce, and I do feel she loves me, but I'm obviously not fulfilling her sexual needs.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry. This sounds hard.

It's not polyamory. At this point it is open to sharing casual sex on her side and you have the option also but don't want to use it. I'm not all that sure that you are happy in an open marriage. You sound like you wish this never happened. Could that be true?

She says the solution to my problem is that I simply need to join her and have a threesome to start and move on from there.

I'm very nervous because I have only been with my wife and even though I have her permission it feels like cheating.

I don't think that's the solution for her not being interested in 1:1 sex with you any more. You sound lonely for her.

I don’t think joining her threesomes would actually make you feel better. It might actually make things worse. If you genuinely wanted threesomes for yourself you could seek them with or without her—but it doesn’t sound like that’s what you want.

I could be wrong in my impression, but to me the problem sounds like you two have grown apart. She's no longer interested in sharing sex with you. Are you up for a sexless/rare sex marriage where each of you sees other people for that? Or is that not the kind of marriage you want?

I get that neither one of you wants a divorce. But you don't actually sound happy like this. It might be worth talking with a counselor—either on your own or together—to sort through what you truly want and what options you have.

Sometimes one gently lets go BECAUSE people love each other. If you two just aren't compatible for romance any more, it's ok to change to divorced coparents. You'd still be family. Then she is free TO seek what she wants in her dating life. And you can be free FROM all this if what you prefer is monogamy. You seek what you want in your dating life.

I don't know if this helps you assess.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

I am sorry though.

I hope things get better for you and you wife no matter what you two decide to do -- try to reconcile or let go.

Galagirl

 

[dingedheart]

I'm a husband seeking advice.

Like hundreds of thousands before you. Welcome to the club and the forum.

I have been married for 12 years to the love of my life. We have 3 kids. She is my one and only. I was her one and only for years, but about 2 years ago, she begged and pleaded with me to let her have casual sexual relationships with women. I said no for a long time, but eventually said yes. She began having lesbian sex with women, mostly met at the bar she worked at. She was very open with me and would ask me permission every time and she would never sleep over. She always came home to me and our kids after every adventure. Her desires grew and she even had a few lesbian orgies. All during this time we had a good relationship and the marriage was still strong and we were happy. But as time has gone on, she has little to no desire to have sex with her husband. We are having sex now maybe once every 3 months. It's so hard on me.

So you’ve been open for roughly 2 yrs. The first yr, things were fine, and gradually her attraction or desire for you has gone away. Did she offer any reasons or suggestions as to why?

Meanwhilem she's been with well over 20 girls. She says the solution to my problem is that I simply need to join her and have a threesome to start, and move on from there. I'm very nervous because I have only been with my wife, and even though I have her permission, it feels like cheating.

This is interesting because this is a “you problem"-- your wife lost sexual interest in you and it’s your problem? That says something. You simply need to join her in a 3 sum so you can “start to move on from there"? To, me it sounds like much rather be your Sherpa to offload your sexual frustration, help you get your water wings on in the shallow end of the pool… "See, wasn’t that fun?“… so she feels less guilt.

Thanks for listening to me rant. Any advice is welcome. And by the way, we both agree we have no desire for divorce. I do feel she loves me, but I'm obviously not fulfilling her sexual needs.

Numerous threads have discussed the various meanings of love, and that impacts all the other elements within a relationship. I’ll simply say there’s a vast difference between loving someone and being “in love" with someone. And lastly, sometime love isn’t ENOUGH.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello someguy21,

Sorry you feel like a threesome is cheating, I don't consider it to be cheating because your wife (along with the other woman) consents. It seems like this is just something you need to wrap your mind around. In the meantime, I get the impression your wife is leaning more and more toward the lesbian end of the spectrum, you are not doing anything wrong, but your wife is losing interest in you and I don't think you can prevent that. Divorce is not an option for you, so I suggest you learn to adapt to the new reality that surrounds you. Good luck.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm not sure how old you and Wife were when you became an exclusive couple, got married, settled down and started having kids. If you were and are still pretty young, you're both still evolving. Sometimes/often, if you couple-up too early, you haven't had the chance to explore your sexual identity, preferences, tastes, curiosities. You might find that hetero-normative MF monogamous relationships don't really suit your authentic self.

Could that be what is happening here?

I will add that the idea of a FMF casual sex threesome as a substitution for committed monogamy would probably not help you at all. One is an important commitment; the other is just some adult fun playtime.

The fact that she's gone completely over to the other team, and is neglecting you, makes this a very unhappy arrangement. It's not even polyamory, and it's barely ethical non-monogamy. Your wife is a kid in a candy store, and she's NRE drunk.

Are you in "poly hell"? Read this and find out.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

 

[New2polydude]

I'm sorry for your situation. It is interesting - most men I know would be ecstatic if wife offered a wmw. I am a bit more like you - one woman is enough trouble is it possible that in the past couple of years, your uncomfortableness with the situation in your marriage has caused you to withdraw emotionally a bit? And your wife's attempt to draw you into her world is an attempt to reignite your emotions - not just sex, but the connection?

 

[dingedheart]

I'm sorry for your situation. It is interesting - most men I know would be ecstatic if wife offered a wmw.

For starters, I don’t know how many 3sums you’ve participated in, but under this set of circumstances, the fine print could have a pretty extensive list of no-go's there, plus what’s actually being offered might look more like MFF, with wife being in the center.

I think context really matters with such an offer. Is this going to be part of the 3 month allowance, completely off the hook, no rules, etc., etc., or is this a one-time buy-out? Pop his non-monogamous cherry so he can move on?

What do “most men do" under those circumstances?

Sex with his wife might be a once a yr thing on an anniversary or his birthday to throw him a pity fuck, or never again, because she’s moved on.

I am a bit more like you - one woman is enough trouble is it possible that in the past couple of years, your uncomfortableness with the situation in your marriage has caused you to withdraw emotionally a bit? And your wife's attempt to draw you into her world is an attempt to reignite your emotions - not just sex, but the connection?

As a member here for many yrs, to me this reads as things were fine while it was all new and exciting and causal, and then got messy when feelings and NRE got involved (see Mags' post above), at which point, she mostly likely withdrew or acted poorly, which started causing stress and tension. IMO, the hinge holds a greater responsibility to maintain the established connection or routine.

I’m unfamiliar with your back story or history, but do you have any experience with a long-term spouse gushing on NRE? Have you read many threads about wives pushing to open their marriages to explore their lesbian sides? I think it’s wishful thinking and arguing facts not in evidence that her attempt to draw him into her “ world“ (her new lesbian world) was an attempt to reignite his emotions and connection. To me, it’s just as likely it was to get him laid, get him distracted, get him looking for outside fulfillment… get that chore off her plate, at least for now.

And we’ve heard here that some of the hardcore lesbians don’t like consorting with bi poly women because they've been touched by their husbands or male partners, which puts a weird pressure on these women and both their relationships.

The OP’s wife's sexual withdrawal could have been somewhat subconscious to fit into her new peer group.

Predicting motivations in this realm is super hard. Hopefully the OP will return and answer a few questions. Generally speaking, people in this sport act out of self interest or self preservation.

 

[New2polydude]

I have not had personal experience, have not found the right partner, have been lurking for 10+ years, have been reading. I am certainly open to anything you have to say. My comments were an attempt to help the OP look at things from a different perspective, if appropriate.

 

[silver-genie]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like she didn't really give you the option to say no to being in an open relationship if you said no repeatedly but only said yes after she begged and pleaded. Situations like this are often referred to as "poly under duress" and are regarded as unethical behavior by the coercive partner. Do you want to stay in an open relationship? Or would you prefer to return to monogamy? What you want matters.