SplinteringVelvet
New member
I am sorry for coming here and falling apart on your forum. I probably should just bite the bullet and go to the shrink.
I thought that this would get easier with time... but as the days and weeks go on it just hurts more as I start to realize the gravity of what was lost with his decision to go outside our marriage on his own. Although I was curious about opening up our marriage before I found out about his gf, I feel that under the current set of circumstances I am less interested in an open relationship and more interested in trying to either hurt him or find someone who could replace him.
There is so much of this I hate. I thought I was being pushed to my limit when I found out about his gf after 11 years. Well... 11 years together as a couple 9.5 years of marriage... of keeping any male I was ever remotely attracted to at arms length if not further because I was terrified the temptation would be too much for me to handle.
Then we opened things up and now I find that limit is being constantly pushed as he continues to hurt me with his actions.
For two days he just kept talking about how great her breasts are! and being not among the well endowed myself my heart just ached as if mine have just never been enough. He even went as far as showing me a picture she had sent where she was lying down with one arm draped across her breasts the round pillowy bulges spilling out all around on either side It apparently wasn't enough that I had to hear about them... now I have to have them visually burned into my mind. Like "These are the breasts he wants"...
He also shown me a message... which he said he wanted my opinion on regarding potential drama ahead... and the nature of it is private but she talks about how she loves him so much and thinks about him all the time and is looking for reassurance that he won't leave her because of the drama in her life... and my heart freaking sunk.
I almost feel like I owe it to myself to end it so he can no longer hurt me.
And... God I hate who I am becoming right now. I find myself saying mean things for no other purpose than just to try to hurt him... and God I want to be better than that.
I have my thing on the side. With the guy I thought could educate me on how this was supposed to work because he had been in an open relationship before. He even presented me with an outline before we started dating to show that he got it. But it has become very clear that he sees this as a competition between him and hubs and he very much wants to eventually be the only guy in my life... which as much as I care about him... it just doesn't sit well with me.
Being with anyone besides my husband means tearing my family apart... he left everything behind to help me raise my son. His family, his friends, his career, his country... so he is the role model for my son as well as the father of my daughter...
and then I just think about the times he didn't feed our daughter dinner because I was at work and he was too consumed in his freaking vid game (the game he met his gf in)... or how my son was the one who told me about his gf in the first place because of the fact that they were always spending time together in the game... the game him and my son played together.
I think about how he used my son and him playing together to justify how much time he was spending on it because they were "bonding". I let it slide for 2 years as I lost him almost completely... he spent all his spare time doing that. Which as you know now... is how he came to cheat on me...
I used to play the game myself... I don't play like most people... I just have an affinity for racking up credits in no small way... hubs eventually created a character on his account for me so I could generate credits for his guild. He gave me 250k to start with and in 5 months I turned that into over 20mil. After all this came to light I couldn't bring myself to keep it up. I tired to go in and check my account yesterday... but found myself just filled with anger and sadness.
... a feeling I am becoming all too familiar with... like when we went out with some of our family friends over the weekend. I have decided not to spill our drama on anyone who knows us as a couple and that was the hardest outing I have ever had as I was just reminded of all the times we got our families together and it really drove it home that my life, my family and my marriage would never be the same again.
Whether I am more inclined for a Mono or a Poly life style at this point... seems really secondary to the glaring reality that this never should have been the circumstance under which we came to this arrangement.
Where to go from here...
I thought that this would get easier with time... but as the days and weeks go on it just hurts more as I start to realize the gravity of what was lost with his decision to go outside our marriage on his own. Although I was curious about opening up our marriage before I found out about his gf, I feel that under the current set of circumstances I am less interested in an open relationship and more interested in trying to either hurt him or find someone who could replace him.
There is so much of this I hate. I thought I was being pushed to my limit when I found out about his gf after 11 years. Well... 11 years together as a couple 9.5 years of marriage... of keeping any male I was ever remotely attracted to at arms length if not further because I was terrified the temptation would be too much for me to handle.
Then we opened things up and now I find that limit is being constantly pushed as he continues to hurt me with his actions.
For two days he just kept talking about how great her breasts are! and being not among the well endowed myself my heart just ached as if mine have just never been enough. He even went as far as showing me a picture she had sent where she was lying down with one arm draped across her breasts the round pillowy bulges spilling out all around on either side It apparently wasn't enough that I had to hear about them... now I have to have them visually burned into my mind. Like "These are the breasts he wants"...
He also shown me a message... which he said he wanted my opinion on regarding potential drama ahead... and the nature of it is private but she talks about how she loves him so much and thinks about him all the time and is looking for reassurance that he won't leave her because of the drama in her life... and my heart freaking sunk.
I almost feel like I owe it to myself to end it so he can no longer hurt me.
And... God I hate who I am becoming right now. I find myself saying mean things for no other purpose than just to try to hurt him... and God I want to be better than that.
I have my thing on the side. With the guy I thought could educate me on how this was supposed to work because he had been in an open relationship before. He even presented me with an outline before we started dating to show that he got it. But it has become very clear that he sees this as a competition between him and hubs and he very much wants to eventually be the only guy in my life... which as much as I care about him... it just doesn't sit well with me.
Being with anyone besides my husband means tearing my family apart... he left everything behind to help me raise my son. His family, his friends, his career, his country... so he is the role model for my son as well as the father of my daughter...
and then I just think about the times he didn't feed our daughter dinner because I was at work and he was too consumed in his freaking vid game (the game he met his gf in)... or how my son was the one who told me about his gf in the first place because of the fact that they were always spending time together in the game... the game him and my son played together.
I think about how he used my son and him playing together to justify how much time he was spending on it because they were "bonding". I let it slide for 2 years as I lost him almost completely... he spent all his spare time doing that. Which as you know now... is how he came to cheat on me...
I used to play the game myself... I don't play like most people... I just have an affinity for racking up credits in no small way... hubs eventually created a character on his account for me so I could generate credits for his guild. He gave me 250k to start with and in 5 months I turned that into over 20mil. After all this came to light I couldn't bring myself to keep it up. I tired to go in and check my account yesterday... but found myself just filled with anger and sadness.
... a feeling I am becoming all too familiar with... like when we went out with some of our family friends over the weekend. I have decided not to spill our drama on anyone who knows us as a couple and that was the hardest outing I have ever had as I was just reminded of all the times we got our families together and it really drove it home that my life, my family and my marriage would never be the same again.
Whether I am more inclined for a Mono or a Poly life style at this point... seems really secondary to the glaring reality that this never should have been the circumstance under which we came to this arrangement.
Where to go from here...