2 months after infadelity...

I am sorry for coming here and falling apart on your forum. I probably should just bite the bullet and go to the shrink.

I thought that this would get easier with time... but as the days and weeks go on it just hurts more as I start to realize the gravity of what was lost with his decision to go outside our marriage on his own. Although I was curious about opening up our marriage before I found out about his gf, I feel that under the current set of circumstances I am less interested in an open relationship and more interested in trying to either hurt him or find someone who could replace him.

There is so much of this I hate. I thought I was being pushed to my limit when I found out about his gf after 11 years. Well... 11 years together as a couple 9.5 years of marriage... of keeping any male I was ever remotely attracted to at arms length if not further because I was terrified the temptation would be too much for me to handle.

Then we opened things up and now I find that limit is being constantly pushed as he continues to hurt me with his actions.

For two days he just kept talking about how great her breasts are! and being not among the well endowed myself my heart just ached as if mine have just never been enough. He even went as far as showing me a picture she had sent where she was lying down with one arm draped across her breasts the round pillowy bulges spilling out all around on either side :( It apparently wasn't enough that I had to hear about them... now I have to have them visually burned into my mind. Like "These are the breasts he wants"...

He also shown me a message... which he said he wanted my opinion on regarding potential drama ahead... and the nature of it is private but she talks about how she loves him so much and thinks about him all the time and is looking for reassurance that he won't leave her because of the drama in her life... and my heart freaking sunk.

I almost feel like I owe it to myself to end it so he can no longer hurt me.

And... God I hate who I am becoming right now. I find myself saying mean things for no other purpose than just to try to hurt him... and God I want to be better than that.

I have my thing on the side. With the guy I thought could educate me on how this was supposed to work because he had been in an open relationship before. He even presented me with an outline before we started dating to show that he got it. But it has become very clear that he sees this as a competition between him and hubs and he very much wants to eventually be the only guy in my life... which as much as I care about him... it just doesn't sit well with me.

Being with anyone besides my husband means tearing my family apart... he left everything behind to help me raise my son. His family, his friends, his career, his country... so he is the role model for my son as well as the father of my daughter...

and then I just think about the times he didn't feed our daughter dinner because I was at work and he was too consumed in his freaking vid game (the game he met his gf in)... or how my son was the one who told me about his gf in the first place because of the fact that they were always spending time together in the game... the game him and my son played together.

I think about how he used my son and him playing together to justify how much time he was spending on it because they were "bonding". I let it slide for 2 years as I lost him almost completely... he spent all his spare time doing that. Which as you know now... is how he came to cheat on me...

I used to play the game myself... I don't play like most people... I just have an affinity for racking up credits in no small way... hubs eventually created a character on his account for me so I could generate credits for his guild. He gave me 250k to start with and in 5 months I turned that into over 20mil. After all this came to light I couldn't bring myself to keep it up. I tired to go in and check my account yesterday... but found myself just filled with anger and sadness.

... a feeling I am becoming all too familiar with... like when we went out with some of our family friends over the weekend. I have decided not to spill our drama on anyone who knows us as a couple and that was the hardest outing I have ever had as I was just reminded of all the times we got our families together and it really drove it home that my life, my family and my marriage would never be the same again.

Whether I am more inclined for a Mono or a Poly life style at this point... seems really secondary to the glaring reality that this never should have been the circumstance under which we came to this arrangement.

Where to go from here...
 
I haven't read any of your other posts, but based on the breast thing alone... Your husband is a major tool who needs to be served with divorce papers immediately. You just don't do shit like that to people you love.

It's one thing for you to make adjustments and want to save the marriage and all that, but when the other person is just using and abusing you, there's nothing you can do for yourself but leave.

Hon, he ain't gonna change. He's got a good thing going for himself, and you're letting him use you. Take control of your life and show him the door.
 
I haven't read any of your other posts, but based on the breast thing alone... Your husband is a major tool who needs to be served with divorce papers immediately. You just don't do shit like that to people you love.

It's one thing for you to make adjustments and want to save the marriage and all that, but when the other person is just using and abusing you, there's nothing you can do for yourself but leave.

Hon, he ain't gonna change. He's got a good thing going for himself, and you're letting him use you. Take control of your life and show him the door.

This 110%
 
Honey, it's time to move on.
 
Wow- My heart hurts just from reading this! Get out of this abusive relationship! He is being so disrespectful, doesn't he have any empathy at all?
I wish you all the best! (There are many men out there who will treat you with respect, love and don't make you feel so inadequate...)
 
You sound like you got railroaded and now he wants to talk about her breasts with you? Behaving totally inappropriate and gross!

You are right. Time to see a counselor, and make a safe plan to leave. Be ok getting angry. Clean up your house from top to bottom. Don't worry right now about about "where to go next" in your life. Start with getting rid of the DRAINS in your life first.

Talk to counselor first. Then your more helpful friends and family who can help you execute the plan.

Dump the BF who wants to be your one and only and that you do not want that way. He's just ADDING to the drains right now. Doesn't need more than "You want me to be your one and only. I don't want that. I have to stop seeing you." Done.

Maybe you tell husband you broke up with BF and are sad and are going to see a counselor. While there you get help to make your plan to lose HIM too. He doesn't have to know what you talk about in counseling.

Plan how to dump the cheating, mentally abusive sounding husband and sort out custody and finances. See the right people to help you make the plan. Don't let him cut you off from your joint banking accounts. Get there first -- move funds to accounts of your own, change any direct deposits from your paycheck, etc.

Being with anyone besides my husband means tearing my family apart... he left everything behind to help me raise my son. His family, his friends, his career, his country... so he is the role model for my son as well as the father of my daughter...

Hon, you didn't tear it apart. He did.

  • Lied and used your son as excuse to spend time in his online word with his cheating partner
  • neglected FEEEDING daughter to keep on in online world
  • Wanted you to make him money in online word for him to spend. Wanted you to support his cheating access/habit? Ugh.

Kicking him out might be how to begin to pick up the pieces and pull your family better TOGETHER so the kids don't have him around for a bad role model. You don't want your son becoming like him treating women poorly, or your daughter thinking this is how guys are and she grows up to accept one like this or worse!

You have worth, value and dignity.

Can anything here help?
http://speakoutloud.net

Galagirl
 
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I'd just like to pick up on something else in your post (I don't disagree with the other replies, though) just as an observation.

You wrote:

... of keeping any male I was ever remotely attracted to at arms length if not further because I was terrified the temptation would be too much for me to handle.

This is a major difference between poly and mono when living in a primary relationship, imo. I recently had this discussion with my best friend and this (walking away from any potential connections) is her preference and how she has chosen to commit to her husband, and he to her. I'm with "the other camp" - that I don't see marriage as necessarily limiting any future connections I make or ones I had going into my marriage.

I bring this up in part because you're also going to want to know what you future life after current husband is going to want to look like. Right now, you really do have other priorities around the health and wellbeing of you and your kids, but when you are ready to look to the future and be curious about what it will hold, then I simply want you to remember that you have felt the potential for other connections even during your marriage. That there will be more after you exit this extremely negative experience, that even your man on the side is not actually aligning with your awareness of your potential to make many connections, none of which may occupy a primary role in your future life. And that's perfectly ok too.

It's been said a few times around here lately, don't draw out the pain/breakup but start working on the healing/restructure of your new life.

Kia kaha
Evie
 
Whether I am more inclined for a Mono or a Poly life style at this point... seems really secondary to the glaring reality that this never should have been the circumstance under which we came to this arrangement.

Where to go from here...

Fox and I openly discussed opening our marriage, he was completely against it and at the time we were not married. I later found out that he had sexual contact with his ex-wife and it broke a part of me. We ended up working things out and she is now the PsychoX, who broke both of our hearts.

I agree with your statement whether you want to have a poly relationship or not is absolutely secondary to his abusive and manipulative behavior.

I don't know of anyone who is in a Poly relationship who was able to have a long-term, loving relationship when their base relationship is based on dishonesty and hurting their partner.

Fox and I got relationship counseling and later marriage counseling because we made that choice together.

My heart hurts for you and I hope you find some answers here from those who have walked the path to Poly and found it to be a rewarding experience while admitting it's not for everyone, or every couple.
 
Hi SplinteringVelvet,

Re (from OP):
"I am sorry for coming here and falling apart on your forum. I probably should just bite the bullet and go to the shrink."

Seeing a shrink is a good idea. But you can always turn to this forum for help as well. Build up your support system.

Re:
"I thought I was being pushed to my limit when I found out about his girlfriend after 11 years."

He was seeing this girlfriend (in secret) for 11 years?

Re:
"I almost feel like I owe it to myself to end it so he can no longer hurt me."

That sounds like a good idea to me. (Not an easy idea, but a good idea!) I would consider breaking up with the guy on the side, too. :(

Re:
"He is the role model for my son ..."

Surely your son deserves a good role model?

Sorry you are in such a bad situation right now.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you, everyone who took the time to respond.

I have since broke it of with the other guy. As for my marriage, just going to keep trying to figure out if we can work. In many ways we are still extremely functional. We hide all the dramma from the kids. Hubs is spending markedly less time on the vid game. I finally told him that the crap he was saying hurt and he hadn't realized it. I don't think he meant to hurt me... I just think he sometimes talks to me like I am a guy friend instead of his wife.

Kdt- hubs and his gf started talking 8 months ago and started dating 4 months ago. Just saying affter the durration of our relationship... Which is 11 years...

He is still a good role model... Sure he has had his crap days as a father like when he was too distracted to feed the kid which happened all of three times. But stuff like that is not the norm.

I will however be forever changed by this... and I will def be tending to my own wounds and needs with the affection of a good friend as strive to build myself up from within. I will learn to be my own rock.
 
I haven't read any of your other posts, but based on the breast thing alone... Your husband is a major tool who needs to be served with divorce papers immediately. You just don't do shit like that to people you love.

It's one thing for you to make adjustments and want to save the marriage and all that, but when the other person is just using and abusing you, there's nothing you can do for yourself but leave.

Hon, he ain't gonna change. He's got a good thing going for himself, and you're letting him use you. Take control of your life and show him the door.

^ This, very much.
 
We hide all the dramma from the kids.

Bullshit!!!! Your son was the one that told you about the GF. Kids see all the drama.

As for the rest... If you are committed to making this work, seek marriage counseling and commit to attending for a year or two. This wont be easy.
 
I have since broke it of with the other guy. As for my marriage, just going to keep trying to figure out if we can work. In many ways we are still extremely functional. We hide all the dramma from the kids. Hubs is spending markedly less time on the vid game.
Oh, hon, you're just bullshitting yourself to avoid looking at the reality of your situation!

He is still a good role model... Sure he has had his crap days as a father like when he was too distracted to feed the kid which happened all of three times. But stuff like that is not the norm.
THREE TIMES!!! I was appalled by it happening ONCE. Why are you making excuses for his asshole behavior at the expense of your own child? Parents don't "forget" to feed their kid when they are in charge of watching them. Sure, they might get distracted and serve a meal a little later, but... are you for real brushing this off as if it doesn't mean anything? You brought it up because it bothered you, and I'd say you had good reason to be bothered! He prioritized gaming with a girlfriend over making sure your kid got to eat.

. . . I will def be tending to my own wounds and needs with the affection of a good friend as strive to build myself up from within. I will learn to be my own rock.
Yeah, well you're going to have to be your own rock because you can't count on your husband for a damn thing. PLEASE re-read your first post in this thread. That was written by a desperately unhappy person who was hating herself due to her partner's insanely hurtful actions. That was YOU! How in the hell do you justify giving him a second chance?

DTMFA!
 
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... and life just gets better...

Look, I am sorry so many of you are hell bent on beating divorce into my head. I did not make the decision to be his wife lightly nor will I make the decision to leave him that way. I have an ex husband already, an abusive alcoholic who in recent years would drink and drive with my son in the car and even got arrested for as much and had his license revoked. It's why I went for someone who had a college degree and ambitions and a track record of being responsible, successful, patient, kind and caring. By and large he has been all of those things for the majority of our relationship. I have always been the one with the temper the one who would out of the blue have psycho mood swings and he would be my rock star very calmly holding me and asking how much sugar I had that day (triggers mood swings in large quantities).

Anyhow... the night before last I was chatting with the ex (guy I just broke it off with) when we were still together, we had been planning to meet up. I did all this research for this trip it was where my sister lived which was an added bonus. I knew he had been really into this other chick before we started dating so it didn't surprise me that he was pursuing things with her. We talked about keeping things casual between us while he figured out if there was any real relationship potential there and I was insanely close to going along with it. That is until one other little fact came to light... Apparently he had been talking to her while we were dating and he made no mention of me. He even brought up that he was planning on taking a trip (our trip) and apparently her response was "OMG! Take me with you!" to which he did not tell her no! and this was while we were still dating! He denied it but based on the fact that he was saying that a few days later she brought it up again and wanted to bring one of her friends with... we just haven't been broken up long enough for that to be true. So... god I fell apart in a big way. Hubs was there putting me back together all night. Even went out and bought me two packs of smokes because I'd had some wine and couldn't drive myself. This was especially shocking to me because I only picked it back up after finding out about his gf and he has been such a pain in the ass about how I shouldn't be smoking. But not only did he buy me some, he sat outside and SMOKED one with me! But back to the ex-asshat now... like... wtf was all this talk of potentially being more one day and wanting me to have his kids??? I honestly feel so used. So freakin played!

I was still planning on going to visit my sis... had everything gone according to how I had outlined, our fights would have arrived 10 min apart! Could you imagine...

Anyhow... Wow...

As far as my son being the one who told me about the girl in the game... The conversation I had with him about that was that they were just friends and that my husband and I allow each other to have friends of the opposite sex and he shouldn't be worried. I had a friend at the time who was battling cancer and I spent a great deal of time chatting with him. My son once tried to stir the pot by announcing to my husband that I had a boyfriend when I we were chatting. Which was never the case. At any rate he is at a fun age where he will do stuff like that to stir the pot and it just so happened that in this case it was true... but he doesn't need to know that.
 
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Sounds like breaking up with the BF removed a big drain out of your life. I am sorry you had to deal with all that mess.

At this time, it sounds like you love husband, but you want the poor behaviors to stop. It also sounds like your intention at this time is to stay with husband and try to work things out if at all possible. I think seeing a counselor is a good idea to help you determine how possible all that is.

My only suggestion is to talk everything over with counselor and leave nothing out. So that when you talk to husband? You can be firm about what is and is not appropriate to you, lay out your boundaries, and have a limit of tolerance and consequences. He can then choose to work with you and respect your limits or not.

Don't let your soft feelings for your spouse tempt you away from clearly articulating what you need to be healthy in relationship, away from your values or away from speaking your truth. I think that is part of "being your own rock." Laying all the cards on the table plain.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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People here tend to push for divorce. I have no idea why. Perhaps the subject of another discussion some day. If your husband is working on his behavior that is a good thing. It doesn't happen over night.
 
Look guys, people have to see for themselves when they're in abusive relationships. She's obviously not ready for that yet, so there's nothing we can suggest.

It's classic abusive behaviour to oscillate between loving & supportive, and then pulling despicable shit. He's got her 100% brainwashed, and no amount of rational advice on the internet is going to poke through that until she's ready.
 
People here tend to push for divorce. I have no idea why. Perhaps the subject of another discussion some day. If your husband is working on his behavior that is a good thing. It doesn't happen over night.

Yeah, because most people who stay here for a long time are in healthy, loving relationships, and recognize unhealthy behaviours and recognize when those behaviours are likely to change and when they're likely to continue. This isn't a "likely to change" situation, and some behaviour just doesn't deserve second chances (and he's on his 4th chance with remembering to feed a child for whom he's responsible.)

It's because it saddens us to see people putting up with assholes when there are so many decent people out there to be with instead. So she married two abusers in a row, and the second is slightly less abusive than the first... doesn't make him any kind of prize to fight for.
 
I think that married people often turn to a forum like Polyamory.com when their marriage is in trouble. Sometimes that's because the marriage isn't worth saving, but who wants to jump to that conclusion. Admittedly it is easier to give up on a marriage when you are not in the marriage. Does that make sense?
 
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