A Married Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy

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RevenantSkeptic

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So, you're a middle-class white couple who have been married for 15 to 20 years. You have a mortgage, a couple of kids, a dog and a cat. Really, it's the American dream.

Except . . . something seems to be lacking. The spice or the spark or the something-or-other has gone out of your marriage.

It occurs to one of you or the other that, to get your mojo back, maybe you should try opening your relationship, exploring relationships with other people, whether together or separately.

It's so modern! So progressive! So liberating!

And there will be more sex!

What should you do first?

1. Don't do it.

Really. Just don't. It doesn't work.

But, you say, we're a modern and progressive couple, and we can make it work because we really, really want it to work!

If you say so. In that case . . .

2. Get a divorce.

There are several reasons for this.

a. It's honest. You are about to betray the most solemn public vows you have ever taken so, really, to be honest with yourselves and with others, you should just go ahead and divorce now.

b. It's consistent. You are about to claim to be non-monogamous. How can you do that while still having all the rights and privileges - and obligations - of being part of a long-standing social institution that is predicated on monogamy?

c. It's equitable. If you want to say that all your partners are equal in your eyes, none above the other, you should make sure that's actually true. Why should one of your partners have the extra advantages of legal marriage?

d. It's efficient. If you try non-monogamy, you'll eventually be getting a divorce anyway. Doing it now saves time and, if you do it before your experiment in non-monogamy really crashes and burns, you have a better chance of reaching an amicable settlement. As a bonus, it may spare your children the prolonged trauma of a disintegrating marriage.

Don't want to get a divorce? Well, then . . .

3. Review step 1, again.

Really, really, just don't do it. Turn back now, before it's too late.

No? Still determined to proceed?

4. Whatever.

Do what you're going to do. At least try to minimize the damage, if you can.

Just don't say I didn't warn you.
 
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Some context: I used to post here as 'hyperskeptic'. My long series of posts under that name started out hopeful, then devolved into a record of disintegration and despair.

I've been divorced now for just over two years, riding out the pandemic in the wreckage of what was my life. At least my (now-adult) kids have been with me for most of it, giving us a chance to debrief and maybe start to come to terms with it all.

The bit about divorcing early to spare kids the prolonged trauma of a failing marriage comes directly from them.

I won't be posting any more, so I won't ruffle the complacency of all the true believers. I figure if my little protest spares even one person the kind of misery I've experienced, it will have been worth it.
 
I'm sorry you tried the, "relationship broken, add people," approach to polyamory, it usually isn't the most successful way to open a marriage.

Actually, that's an understatement. I doubt there are actual statistics on opening ups preceding break ups, but if a marriage has any cracks at all, poly is a great way to shine a very bright light on them and in doing so, likely smash it to pieces. Probably slowly and painfully.

As a "true believer" polyamorist, I actually agree with you for a lot of the people who come to post here. Admittedly not all. But a lot. Especially the demographic you highlighted.


1. "Don't" spares any other people such a couple would bring into their mess.

2. "Divorce" spares the failing marriage from ill thought out bandages in the form of other people. (Also, dear random reader, please also don't fix a waning marriage by having a baby or any other kind of child custody).

Divorce also frees both people in the original couple to pursue a relationship model that works for them with new people. We have members, old and new, who did this, and who also lived through the painful, slow demise of their marriages. Some of these people are now in new, open-from-the-beginning successful relationships. We also have others who lived through this and are now single or monogamous. All are welcome to share their experiences, advice (including, "don't try and rekindle a marriage by opening it to other partners,") and new journeys into what comes next, even if it uncertain and uncomfortable.

I hope you have found some catharsis in sharing your current position. You're welcome here anytime you want to write about your journey 🙂
 
I'd already gone for a look, and I am quite divided over this statement:

But until and unless the institution of marriage itself changes - through the emergence of a new society-wide consensus and the crafting of new laws and norms of conduct - any attempt by people already married to practice polyamory while remaining decent human beings to all involved will be an exercise in futility.
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I agree that there are huge legal and societal issues over the institution of marriage and, that in egalitarian polyamory, being unable to have a legal union of more than two people is deeply problematic. I sincerely hope that we will see this change in my lifetime.

I do not believe that one cannot be married and successfully poly. I have acquaintances who are in a three person relationship (two have been legally married for years, the other is legally a housemate but everyone knows they are a triad) - and they must be mightily pissing off our welfare system as all of them are on some form of welfare payment. This is legislated and calculated for couples. By simply being a successful triad they are actually likely to catalyse the progression of welfare law, especially if it means the system can pay them less...

They are all decent human beings. As are my husband and I, and my partner and his wife. And her partner. And his other partners, who have their own other partners. Well, okay, one of my metamours can bit a bit of a pita, but she's the exception and it's largely because she's the mono one.

So, being married and poly and decent people is not an exercise in futility. And there are many success stories. But there are probably more opening up failures, I'll easily concede that (God knows I've witnessed enough here.) And I agree that's largely because of the societal values around the monogamy built into wedding vows as an extension of lauding jealousy as a measure of "how much" two people love one another.

Polyamory isn't for everyone, but I disagree that it's impossible for those in existing marriages. Except when the starting point is, "marriage broken, add people." That, I too am deeply skeptical about.
 
Been with my partner for nearly 28 years. Never married because I did that once young and I feel it gives people a false sense of relationship security.

We've been open for 10. New to poly. It's only made us closer.

If for any reason we lose our connection during our journeys of self-discovery it won't be because we opened up.

Opening up has meant we've learned to communicate better, we don't sweat the petty things and we don't pet the sweaty things.

Not everyone gets to be as lucky as we were, to have 17 years of monogamy and then re-invent ourselves - deepening our connection with our selves, eachother and others. It took some 'ugly' truths and open hearts to get here. We both were committed - and we were both ready to walk away at times. I doubt it works for people who aren't both willing to dig so deep it hurts.
 
It is unfortunate that your long term relationship ended. It sounds like you experienced a fair amount of trauma from your polyamory experiment. I hope you are able to process this and have successful relationships in the future.

As a semi-regular user here I see people posting in situations very similar to your own. I often feel like divorce should be considered for a variety of reasons, mostly related to couples privilege and *perhaps dating equity, I am still flushing out my perspectives in this regard.

When I read about a newbie mono couple opening up after a decade or more of monogamy it feels a bit like seeing someone driving at night with their lights off…

I agree with you that rejecting the poly-experiment completely, or divorce, would be a wise consideration in many cases. Some couples should probably do both (divorce and reject the poly-experiment). However, for as logical as these ideas are on my side of the screen, it’s unlikely to be considered on the other side. Many new posters will preface their questions with a statement like (we aren’t getting divorced, so don’t even suggest it).

I think it has to do with decades of mono indoctrination, and the stigma lurking in the shadow of the word “divorce”. This stigma was the largest hurdle of managing my own amicable divorce with my partner Bird; and as we have navigated the court system it is clear to me that couples like us, (who wish to dissolve the marriage but not the relationship) are an exemption to the rule in this regard.

I do agree with many of your perspectives, however I generally disagree with absolute statements. Ragrdless I am often curious what happens to couples after they leave the forums behind so thank you for the update; and best of luck to you.
 
I'm sorry things ended in what sounds like a bad way. I am glad to hear you and now adult kids are coming to terms with it all.

1. Don't do it.
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I agree. If the only reason the married couple is trying poly is to "get back the spark" -- I don't think one gets that by seeing other people. I think one gets that by addressing things with each other with or without a counselor.

Seeing other people is not meant to enable the couple to avoid dealing with issues in the marriage. Or enable them to endure the marriage better. Why is marriage a thing to be endured? Don't the people want to thrive in their marriage?

Sometimes seeing other people leads to neglecting the established partner at home because of NRE lalas or because one partner is actually looking to line up the new person before leaving the established person -- like a soft exit out of the marriage. But tries to sell it to their spouse under another guise. Though that behavior is disingenuous, I've seen it happen.

To me "til death do us part" is not just physical death. Spiritual death happens -- and if the people are "just going through the motions" of a marriage, its over.

2. Get a divorce.
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I think if not a divorce, then at least separate finances, post nup, and/or divorce agreements already lined up. Because enmeshment is not a great thing, and better to have the plan in place if needed and never need it. Than to need it, and be trying to make the plan under duress or emotional upheaval.

I notice people always think it's gonna end a certain "grass is greener" way. Or like if it all breaks up, it will just default back to "original couple and that other person" or something. They don't think it might end in a different combo or people or down to everyone single.

3. Review step 1, again.
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Well, yeah. Think twice about WHY you are doing poly. It's not meant to be like a bandaid.

"Relationship broken, add more people" is not a great idea. I second Evie on that. As well as not trying to fix a wonky marriage by having a baby.

4. Whatever.
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Yup. Some people just want to go the hard way. Can't tell them otherwise.

The bit about divorcing early to spare kids the prolonged trauma of a failing marriage comes directly from them.
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This resonates for me. Kids aren't stupid. They see what's going on.

My spouse has told me the parents stayed together "for the children" but the him and the other children (at the time) would have preferred for them to just divorce earlier so there could be peace in the two households rather than all the fights and tension in the one.

One of his siblings went on to have an abusive relationship and I sometimes wonder if they could not see the signs because "their normal at home" was a simmering brew all the time from the bickering parents. So it had to get to boiling over in their own relationship before they thought about ending it because they missed the early clues that things were not right.

I think breaking up and modeling what healthy divorce and healthy coparenting after looks like is better for the kids. Because one day they might grow up and be facing divorce and they may have a better sense of what to do. It's better than modeling wonky or "stuffing things down" or whatever. What's that supposed to teach kids?

I won't be posting any more, so I won't ruffle the complacency of all the true believers. I figure if my little protest spares even one person the kind of misery I've experienced, it will have been worth it.
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Doesn't ruffle my feathers. I think it is totally fair to say "Think twice because it might not end like you think!"

Poly is not special or anything. It's just another relationship model, another way of going. And all relationships? Sometimes they work out, sometimes they don't.

I hope you feel a little better for airing out some. And if you change your mind and decide to return, know you are welcome here.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Revenant(Hyper)Skeptic - I do remember you from when you were last here, and how sad and disillusioned you were when you left. It really is sad, given that some of what you wrote back then was also really really helpful for me in figuring out my own path, though that path went wildly different directions than I expected when I quoted your post.

I'm sorry things worked out for you the way they did, though. And the thing is though I, like @Evie, am both married and a "true believer", you're entirely correct in how this works out for a lot of the people that end up here.

Perhaps opening up only works when it comes from a place of long-held philosophy rather than a place of loneliness or sense of something missing? Or perhaps we only see the unhappy stories here - I feel like I know more long-term-successfully polyamorous people, many of whom are married, offline than I ever do here.
 
With the layers and layers of resentment, misunderstanding, quiet disdain, sexual frustration built up over years in a traditional relationship, there is little chance that the relationship will be able to handle a monumental change like "opening up". That's not to say that it can't happen, but the deck is definitely stacked.

This doomsday warning would be a pretty good public service announcement for all relationships that are built like this. If there isn't already a healthy foundation built, with effective communication, and a history of setting and respecting reasonable boundaries, then squirting new innocent victims (partners) onto it is just going to make it worse. All you'll do is end the broken marriage anyway, and hurt the feelings of some new people while you do it.

If you want healthy relationships, instead try learning to have healthy relationships. Poly or otherwise, a poorly built association will always tend toward collapse.
 
Hello RevenantSkeptic,

I'm very sorry that things turned out so badly for you, and I don't blame you if you maybe feel just a little bit bitter about polyamory. I know for a fact that two legally-married people can succeed in polyamory, I myself live in a closed V in which my two companions are legally married, and while we had a few rough years in the beginning, we've managed to stay together as a V for over 15 years, and by now we get along pretty well, there is no sign that the V is going to disintegrate. Having said that, I have to acknowledge that on this forum (and another), I've seen a lot of marriages crash and burn when the original couple had thought that opening the marriage would be a great way to spice things up. In those cases, divorcing in the beginning would have been the logical thing to do. Poly does not come with a guarantee, and it is not for everyone.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
icesong said:
Hi Revenant(Hyper)Skeptic - I do remember you from when you were last here, and how sad and disillusioned you were when you left. It really is sad, given that some of what you wrote back then was also really really helpful for me in figuring out my own path, though that path went wildly different directions than I expected when I quoted your post.

I'm sorry things worked out for you the way they did, though. And the thing is though I, like @Evie, am both married and a "true believer", you're entirely correct in how this works out for a lot of the people that end up here.

Perhaps opening up only works when it comes from a place of long-held philosophy rather than a place of loneliness or sense of something missing? Or perhaps we only see the unhappy stories here - I feel like I know more long-term-successfully polyamorous people, many of whom are married, offline than I ever do here.
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I'm new here - this response resonates with me. One thing I've often said is polyamory fails when people begin to wear it like an identity or talk about it incessantly.

"I feel like I know more long-term-successfully polyamorous people, many of whom are married, offline than I ever do here."

I think this is absolutely the truth. The successful ones aren't constantly having difficulties in their relationships or talking about drama, which can quickly destroy them.
To me (and my family), the one thing we reiterate whenever arguments occur that are based on relationship (which are hardly ever), is that the "spirit" of the relationship should be kept in mind.
Hard-lined rules and inflexibility will kill polyamory extremely quickly. Sometimes you just can't see someone you want to. Sometimes someone will make a mistake or not think about something and cause discomfort in another in the relationship, but the underlying point of it all is that everyone involved is in it because they love one another in one form or another.
If someone is in it because they are feeding an ego or being malicious in some way, then it's going to fail.

Remember that we judge ourselves by our intentions, but we judge others by their actions.
If we take the time to look deeper into a persons intentions, we will discover who they really are, and from that we can properly navigate the relationship (or end it if needed.)

Keeping this tenant in mind will help maintain the "spirit" of polyamorous relationships.

Being quick to apologize and quick to forgive and not being afraid to call out manipulation will get you extremely far, in any relationship.
 
Well said BlueClover. I particularly like the idea that, "We judge ourselves by our intentions, but we judge others by their actions." This one principle could save a lot of relationships. Along with being quick to forgive, and quick to apologize.
 
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