A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")


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Well, it certainly has been an interesting couple months. Lots of self-discovery, not all of it pleasant (at least, not while the process was going on), but I think all good.

Without going into a lot of detail, I finally realized that I'm probably dealing with some mild form of depression. The negative self-talk (sometimes to such an extreme that if it were someone *else* saying this stuff, I'd consider them a raging, abusive asshole!), the lack of any motivation to do anything at all, that feeling of "why bother" when looking around me at all the things I need (or want) to do... it finally clicked that it may not be just me being a horrible lump of a person, but maaaaaaaybe it has some sort of physical component to it as well. Go figure.

So, armed with that idea, I've been trying to work on a two-pronged approach (why yes, I'm a Type A... how did you know?):

The Physical: Get more exercise (failing at this so far, since work has been odd lately and eating into my workout time), look into St. John's Wort for a bit of a physical kick in the butt, watch the alcohol when it's flowing (or realize that when I do have a bit too much that I may feel a bit worse the next day, and that's NORMAL, given that it's a depressant). And also, GTFO of the house, even when I don't feel like it. Being out and about helps the mood immensely.

The Emotional: Let the fuck go of my resentment. It's going to kill me if I don't.

I seem to have this wall up when it comes to Xena. No, we don't really click as BFFs, but I don't really hold that up as a requirement for any of my other friends. It seems out of place and just... harsh.

I finally admitted to myself that I'm still holding on to resentment from the stuff that we all went through early on in the relationship, and it's time to just let the fuck go. I want to stop having to rely on a couple glasses of wine to loosen up around her enough to have a good time when we all hang out. I want to stop thinking the worst of the things she says and does. I feel like a cat that's been hunting a moth for days... when do I finally just walk away?

In vino, veritas, right? Clearly, I can have a good time with her if I let go of all that shit. It's time to just let it go without the added "help".

So, I re-followed her FB feed. She and I have been conversing a bit more regularly. Baby steps. But good steps. I actually feel like I can let this go without holding on to some bits of it like a security blanket. Fingers crossed.

More on the emotional to-do list: continue to do things that have no other purpose other than "I like them." My Monday gaming nights fit right into this category. It's not a "have to do" item. It's not something that works toward a goal, or completes some activity on my checklist. It's fun, it's superfluous, it's a nice way to meet new people, and I absolutely love it. I'm working on making more long-term plans to do things I like as well (concerts? Yes! Dinner with friends? Yes!), so I'm working on making my own happiness a priority. Go figure.

So... overall, that one was the hard realization. Having some idea of what's going on is helping immensely, though. When the negative self-talk starts up (why oh WHY do I have this part of my brain that tries to completely beat up the rest of my self?!), I can at least now think to myself that no, it's just the emotions/chemicals/last night's wine talking, and I'm a perfectly fine person who should probably get the hell out of bed and start her day.

It's a start, right?

Other stuff:

I have reached an "old person" milestone: I am excited about refinancing my house.

Yeah, yeah, I know... I give you all permission to shoot me dead once I start complaining about lumbago and beginning each introduction with, "Who's your doctor?" Still, I went from a 30-year mortgage to a 15-year one, paying less per month. I may be able to retire with a fully-paid-for house! WOOT!

Pokégirl turns 12 in a week. DanceGirl is in high school, and really enjoying it so far. Where the hell did THAT time fly off to? In less than a year, DanceGirl will be learning to drive, and I'm finding that I'm more excited than worried about that. Nice to see that my parents' neuroses didn't transfer to me in THAT respect, at least.

Haven't been posting to the other blog all that much (see aforementioned "not wanting to do shit" feelings), but I think I'll be posting this weekend. I've been mulling over what 'mono' versus 'poly' means to me, and I think that, like sexuality or anything else, it's an identity that may be different for everyone.

I've found myself getting crushy feelings for this one guy at gaming night (yah yah yah, I know, I know). In the past, I pretty much equated the crushy stuff as "not happy in my relationship," given that my relationship with my ex had its ups and downs.

Now? Nope. Chops and I are still good. So NOW what?

After chewing on it on and off, I'm realizing that monogamy, for ME, is more of a partnery, relationshippy type of monogamy. I only have energy for one partner-type of relationship. Could I handle a FWB? Probably. Could I handle a second "relationship" (in a partner-relationship sense)? Oh HELL no. I get squirrely just thinking about it.

Would someone else call that poly? Absolutely. Is it Poly to me? No.

So, that whole dichotomy has been an interesting thing to dip into and mull over. What *is* monogamy? What *is* polyamory? And, at the end of the day, does it really matter, as long as you and the people you care about are on the same page?

I'm a bit of a psych / perception geek, so this type of stuff gets me all wound up anyway. It's fun to chew on, and it'll be good when I finally get something written and out.

Okie doke... I'm getting sleepy. Time for me to cuddle with the kitteh, fuck around online a bit, play a game or two, listen to SiriusXM's CoverTunes channel a bit more (Cake's version of "I Will Survive" followed not long after by Postmodern Jukebox doing "Blank Space"? Yes, please!), and then get the hell to bed.

One last thing, though... I've fallen off the planet a bit for the last month or so, but I've never been all that far from the board. You guys are a great bunch, and even when I haven't asked for it, I can find support and great advice when I least expect it. Thanks for that. :)

Okay... time for kittehs. Catch you all on the flip side while I listen to Patti Smith's version of "Smells Like Teen Spirit". :)


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Patti channeling Kurt, you can't go wrong.

Miss you YaH. I am glad you're working things out around your possible depression. We've been ridiculously busy here, and miss pixi was sick for a month (now better), but dinner together with you and Chops again would be great!

At least you got your powder room done!


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Miss you and Miss Pixi too, Mags! I've already given Chops the heads-up that I'll be trying to squish some things into the calendar, and dinner with you both was on that list. Maybe we'll see if you can make the trip here, since the powder room is now complete. ;)

Not sure if it's really depression, mild depression, or what, but the symptoms seem to be similar, if not exact. Being wary of the things that twig the worst of it is helping, as is trying to make time for the want-to-do's (and occasionally making myself go *do* them). Baby steps!

And yes, Patti's version was fantastic. Some great stuff on that channel (in among the weird stuff too).

Day off today, and it's a "rake the leaves in the blustery wind" type of day. It's awesome to haul about 15 bags of leaves to the dump, come home, and wonder if you even raked. Still... here's hoping the lawn doesn't get choked out by leaves and die in the spring this time around. Fingers crossed!

OH! And some great news for the folks who were following the saga of MiddleSis a while back: her last rally to get on her feet seems to have worked. Her church friends / family out in her area have been HUGELY supportive, and she's not only got a steady job and place to live, but she's broken up with the abusive BF (who went back to drugs), AND she's been clean from meth for a year now. <Happy Snoopy dance>

I'm so proud of her for getting the momentum to get out of the situation she was in, and I'm glad she's surrounding herself with a different group of people. It's nice to be hoping for the best now, and not worried about the worst.


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Okie doke... I'm getting sleepy. Time for me to cuddle with the kitteh, fuck around online a bit, play a game or two, listen to SiriusXM's CoverTunes channel a bit more (Cake's version of "I Will Survive" followed not long after by Postmodern Jukebox doing "Blank Space"? Yes, please!), and then get the hell to bed.

That Cake cover is an all-time favorite of mine. Right now, it's also my "challenge myself on the bass guitar" song (though I can only muster a simplified version so far). :)


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Miss you and Miss Pixi too, Mags! I've already given Chops the heads-up that I'll be trying to squish some things into the calendar, and dinner with you both was on that list. Maybe we'll see if you can make the trip here, since the powder room is now complete. ;)

Yes, you know I want to check it out. *bathroom fetishist* lol
OH! And some great news for the folks who were following the saga of MiddleSis a while back: her last rally to get on her feet seems to have worked. Her church friends / family out in her area have been HUGELY supportive, and she's not only got a steady job and place to live, but she's broken up with the abusive BF (who went back to drugs), AND she's been clean from meth for a year now. <Happy Snoopy dance>

I'm so proud of her for getting the momentum to get out of the situation she was in, and I'm glad she's surrounding herself with a different group of people. It's nice to be hoping for the best now, and not worried about the worst.

Oh, I know exactly how you feel! My daughter found the same help in a church. (And she is now pregnant with Baby#2, dunno if I've mentioned that.)


since the powder room is now complete. ;)

Congratulations, YAH! It must be a nice feeling to finish a project :) Hope you are satisfied with the outcome!


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Jeesh... I'm writing less and less these days.

On the plus side, I'm almost ahead of the holiday curve. The tree is up, most of the presents have been purchased (and wrapped), including stockings. The house is somewhat decorated, although I'm kind of "meh" about putting lights on the outside of the house, so that may not happen. I'm hoping to get some pictures printed up this weekend, so we can send Christmas cards. Wowzers.

On the minus side, I'm still struggling with all sorts of stuff. The mood waxes and wanes, and the amount of "busy" this time of year doesn't help it any. I enjoy seeing friends and attending Christmas parties, but when it requires a juggling of our schedule that leaves things weirdly imbalanced, I get out of sorts.

We had a powwow with me, Chops, and Xena where I admitted still holding onto the resentment, and how I need to let go of it, but it's still a bit like realizing you need to lose weight. You recognize it. You know you'll be healthier for it. But it's still friggin' hard. Xena's trying to keep the conversation going, which is appreciated, but I'm back on one of my downward cycles and just finding myself irritated with her again. I know she's naturally supportive and a cheerleader, but when I see it on FB, or get it in an email, it strikes me as fake or sycophantic at times. I really don't need a "GOOD ON YOU! YAY!" email when I mention going to a wine-glass painting party, for example. I feel like I'm five and made a nice finger painting. :rolleyes: Then again, she's had that "over the top" type of personality since this whole thing began, so it's not like it's new, or a surprise. Sometimes I'm not sure if my mood is clouding my opinion of her, or my opinion of her is clouding my mood... or if it's the snake eating its tail. Sigh.

The whole "feeling like people think I'm the sidechick" insecurity keeps rearing its ugly head as well, and it's driving me nuts... especially because the situation that's setting it off is really something that I should be celebrating. Choplet (Chops' son) and his GF are going to be having a baby any day now, and instead of just looking forward to seeing the little Grandbaby Choplet, I'm stuck in my own head, envious that Xena seems to have a better connection with Choplet and GF, and gets tagged personally in all the FB stuff, while I hear things second-hand. I end up feeling like she's got the grandma role, while I'm... dad's GF? I don't even know. Of course, that's okay - he gets to decide his own relationships with people, but I feel like the kid that gets left out of all the parties and gets asked, "Are you going to Joey's?" when Joey never mentioned it to me in the first place.

Chops reassures me that there's no second place, that of course he (Chops) feels the same about each of us, but I know that. I'm not feeling out of sorts about that. I'm feeling out of sorts about... not being recognized in the same way as Xena, I guess. Not sharing the same "role". Feeling like I'm considered "less than" by his son. Then I wonder why it matters to me as much as it does. Clearly, it's something that's important to me... but why? Choplet's feelings about me (in any direction) really don't have any major impact on my life either way. He's a nice guy, his GF is nice, we get along well. If I didn't hear about stuff second-hand and see the difference in the way they interact with Xena, then I'd be perfectly content with our relationship as it is.

I guess the social "blessing" of our relationship is still important to me, and I'm not really sure how to let go of that. I want recognition that Chops and I are really, truly partners, and that seems difficult when I'm 1.5 hours away from his family and they tend to see "Chops and Xena" more than "Chops and YAH". They attend events at Chops and Xena's place, where I'm also a guest. I can see why people would feel that our relationship isn't as far along the relationship escalator as theirs (because ain't nobody traveling to NH when they could go to RI... Rhode Islanders hate driving more than 20 min, as a rule :p ), and therefore why it would feel less "real" or "committed," but it bugs the ever-loving fuck out of me, because I know that's not the case, and I have no idea how to communicate that.

HOWEVER, I also recognize that I'm really only feeling that way with Choplet and his GF, which is definitely an improvement over the situation a couple years back, when I was worried that everyone would feel that way. Chops' mom and sister have been amazing, and I do feel like family with them. Hell, Chops' nephew even sent all of us wedding invitations. Yay!

I guess time may help this little piece of it as well. And if not, there's nothing I can do anyway. It's difficult to stop feeding that bad wolf, though, and to start feeding the good one. The resentment gets fired up with stuff like this, and it's hard to tamp it back down. Writing helps, so of course you all get the brain dump. Thanks for being my therapy. ;)

Anyway... I'm sure the lack of sunlight, and the low-grade or quasi-depression (which I'm loathe to call it, since I'm not actually diagnosed with anything) isn't helping me see things in the best light. I'm working on that, but with the holidays and some extra responsibility at work (after one of my coworkers left for maternity leave), it hasn't been easy. I find myself once again looking forward to my annual post-Christmas trip to NYC with Chops (oh, hey, NYCIndie! Maybe we can catch up! :) ) just to unwind and have some nice time together without all the other *stuff*.

On a somewhat related note, Chops ran across Wil Wheaton's blog post recently, entitled Seven Things I Did to Reboot My Life, and I think we were both inspired by it. I will need to do something similar, to kick myself in the ass and get going in a healthier direction. I'll give it some thought and come up with my own list of measurable, manageable goals, and we'll see where we go from there. Writing more will be on my list, as well. :)


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I'm sorry you continue to struggle, YAH! That does sound rather painful, to be seen as something on the side in Chops' son's eyes, with Xena the "real gf."

As for SAD, do you take vitamin D? It really helps, and it's good for you in many ways.


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Thanks, Mags. :) I have started taking Vitamin D, as well as St. John's Wort. I think there's been a smidge of improvement (the really awful, negative self-talk has gone down). I'm thinking of heading back to counseling after the holidays and just talking about whether it may be SAD, some other type of depression, or maybe even perimenopause beginning to rear its head. Not sure, but it's something.

As for the rest, getting together in person with people always helps. I don't think Choplet means anything by it - we were all together last night to see the new baby (squeeeeee!), and everyone was fantastic. He asked me what I wanted to be called (Grammy), and while there were a couple times the "favor" was obvious, he was quick to include me once he noticed. I'll take it.

I do know that making the drive to *be* there as family was appreciated. And I got to smell that "new baby smell", and now have to figure out how to be a grandma. LOL...

Seeing Xena in person was good, too. I don't know what it is about her online personality, but it drives me absolutely bananas at times. In person, she's FAR more subdued and... personal, I guess. She was hoping I'd stay, but alas... work in the morning, cats to feed, and trash to put out. I did take a cup of coffee for the drive back, at least.

Oh well. Office holiday party tonight. I always look forward to this one, and this year is no exception.

Now I'm hearing rustling and think I need to get the cat out from under the tree. She seems to have claimed the big fuzzy blanket I bought for my niece as her own. Darned cat.


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Well, well, well.
Look! Another blog post! I'm on a roll!

Christmas was fantastically chaotic and crazy, with a couple ups and downs, but mostly ups.

A couple hiccups:
  • The Christmas Card Saga (dun dun DUN!)
    So, Chops found these FANTASTIC Christmas cards online (think, traditional little girl in a dress underneath the tree opening gifts squealing in delight. Now think of the same picture with a facehugger from ALIEN on the girl and the caption, "EEK! Hope your holidays are full of surprises!"). That man's sense of humor is as twisted as mine, I swear... Anyhoo. He wanted to send them out from all of us. I was okay with that (and I was planning to just send other cards to the people we're not "out" to). Xena wasn't a Christmas card person, and didn't want to send any out, so Chops rewickered his plan, and we decided to send them out from the two of us. NBD. Xena was cool with it, I was cool with it, and Chops was excited to send his sicko little cards out in the mail.

    I was planning to send them to his family: his mom, his sister, his son, his niece, etc. He said, no - just save one aside and that'll be the family card. Okie doke. There was a limited number of EEK! cards anyway, so that's what I did...

    Until he tells me over the phone two days before going to his mom's house that Xena bought cards for everyone. And me without cards for everyone. GAH! The crazy competitive mind kicked in (she's giving cards and I'm not! And I always do! She's going to be BETTER AT THIS THAN ME! GAH!), I got bent out of shape, dug some cards up, and wrote them out last-minute, feeling all in a snit as I did so.

    Until I told myself it's friggin' CHRISTMAS, you moron. Why are you doing this? Because you want to, right? So ignore Chops next time, tell him *you* want to send cards, and do it. Sheesh.

    Ignoring my own voice gets me in trouble every single time. :rolleyes:

That was pretty much it for the hiccups. Over the entire end of December, I'm calling that a WIN!

The good:
  • The crazy get-together at Chops' Mom's house was FAR too many people in FAR too small a space, with a kid who was feeling carsick. Despite that, it was still wonderful. The warm weather helped, so we could spill outside as we needed to.
  • Getting together with Chops and Xena on Christmas, eating until stuffed, and playing Pandemic. It was a nice time with no weirdness, lots of '80s music, and far too much dessert.
  • Trip to NYC the weekend after Christmas with Chops: Saw Drunk Shakespeare (OMG, that was fun!), and enjoyed the 60-degree temps one night (ice cream trucks in Manhattan?! Okay!), followed by sleet the next. Gotta love winter.
  • Surprise birthday party the day we returned from NYC. Chops gets a gold star as big as his head for this one. :)

    From my POV, I was expecting a nice, quiet birthday. The kids would be coming by before dinnertime, Chops and I were getting pizza. He shoveled and snowblowed the driveway while I put away Christmas presents. All in all, quiet.

    When the pizza arrived, there were... 3. Not the two we ordered. Chops handwaved it away as him not being able to decide between the two pizzas we were discussing, and it seemed believable enough. Leftovers generally aren't a problem. ;)

    Then, I was asked to head upstairs and to make sure the kids sang me a song or something to distract me. Okay. I'm thinking, "He's pulling out a present or something. Cool." The kids come upstairs, sing a goofy birthday song, toss the cat in my room. Pretty much full-on distraction mode until Chops yells up, "Okay, you can come down now!"

    I follow the kids downstairs and into the (now dark) dining room and see... the silhouette of someone sitting in the chair. Someone who looks remarkably like Chops' sister's BF. Definitely NOT CHOPS.

    I think the "spoink" noise my brain made as it broke was audible.

    There weren't people in the house. Therefore, there were no other people here. But that looks like... Wait... and is that another silhouette? And that's... Xena? WTF?!


    I friggin' cried. My brain was broken. I had no processing ability at all. He managed to sneak everyone into the house WITHOUT MY KNOWING while I was upstairs. I laughed, I cried, I laughed and cried some more. It was the best surprise of my life. Once I stopped blubbering on Chops' shoulder, we ate lots of pizza, drank wine, ate a fantabulous chocolate cream cake from the dairy farm down their way, and played stupid games around the table until it was time for them to leave.

    Like I said, gold star. The size of his head. And then some.:D

So yeah... it's been a good time, overall.

I even managed to update my other blog (WHOA! WHAT?!):

I know it's cliche to do the resolution thing, but I had to do something. Despite all the good stuff, the struggles are still hard, and I will need to get some better management tools. Plus, at least the goals are measurable.

I've already decided upon one change, though, and that's my belief that if I'm building something, it counts as "creative time" even if it's a home project. If model-building is a creative hobby, then IKEA assembly should be as well, dammit.

Plus, I'll get to use the new compound mitre saw that Chops got me for Christmas (cue Tim Allen grunt).


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Interesting observations after starting my "Seven Things":

  • Now that I have a training plan in place and I'm running more regularly (probably exercising about 5-6 times a week now), my mood is much better. My back and hip are cranky, but I think I just need to work my core a bit more. Exercise endorphins + more natural sunlight FTW!
  • The "no solo drinking" thing isn't really a huge deal, since now that I'm a bit busier, I can pour myself a glass of wine, get involved in something, and forget about it. I may be able to rewicker that goal. I *did* set a separate budget item for alcohol (separate from groceries) so I can monitor my spending, and that's certainly helping too.
  • Even the measurable goals I set are hard to meet when I'm trying to fill my free time with either hanging out with people, doing stuff, or reading. It's certainly not a bad thing, but I may have to tweak things to be a bit more realistic.
  • I am *so* not used to buying stuff for myself. This is fun. :)

Things are going pretty well in general. I'm working on being more open to including Xena in things, and that's been good. We ended up going to a concert this past Friday (Cherry Poppin' Daddies - they put on one hell of a good show!), among a few coworkers of mine, and everything went swimmingly. The amusing part is now, Xena has a FB friend request from one of my friends at work, so I'm now getting together with this friend on Thursday to give her the heads-up before she friends Xena and goes, "Buh?! What the...?" ;)

Yeah, it's only January, but if things keep going this well, I'll certainly have incentive to continue.

On the craptacular side of things, I think we need a new mattress. Ever since I hurt my back about a year or so ago, the mattress (nice and rock hard) has been a killer. Chops tried to help things with a pillow top, but now I just get stuck and have a harder time rolling over. Even being "little spoon" hurts (I think it's how I lean into Chops). Sigh.

This getting old shit is for the birds. Time for a squishier mattress. And core exercises. Gotta get those abs working to support the back again. Fun.

Oh well. If that's the worst thing in my life right now, then things are pretty good. :)

Onward and upward!
The best thing I did for sleeping more comfortably was buy a memory foam mattress topper from Costco. It's fairly thick (my ex boyfriend bought a thinner one from Amazon for his bed and it didn't work as well for reducing my pain). The ones Costco has are a combination of memory foam and some type of gel. I love it so much that I bought a second one for our extra room bed when I started sleeping in there more due to working from home on the day after my husband's girlfriend spent the night (my work computer is in the extra room, so I either sleep in there or I have to wake everyone up way early, so I can use the room.) That mattress is much newer than the one in our bedroom, but the memory foam topper still made a huge difference. And it's not like a pillow top, it gives a little under your weight, just kind of cradling it but doesn’t interfere with turning over. I have fibromyalgia and it helps immensely, I wake up so much less sore than I did before we got it. The one at Costco runs about $130 for a queen, which is much cheaper than a new mattress. It might be worth checking out.


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Thanks, Hannah. It's definitely worth checking out. The back was okay this morning, and then I had to shovel snow. It's not particularly *bad* now, but it wasn't too happy with me this morning. Sigh.

I ended up posting to my external blog after reading something in "More Than Two" that just seemed off to me (the passage on the "Sushi Effect"). I may post in General Poly Discussions as well, in order to see what other folks here think...



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Well, I'm taking a week off from running in order to try to get my back and hip in shape. I crowdsourced some advice on FB a bit, and asked some runner friends at work. As a result, I swiped back my foam roller from DanceGirl's room, borrowed a lacrosse ball (at least, I think it's a lacrosse ball) from a coworker to place it between where the knots are and the back of my chair while I sit at work. I'm already feeling some changes, so I'm hopeful. I also made an appointment with a massage therapist for Friday morning. Fingers crossed!

I'd forgotten how wonderfully awful the foam roller is. It is EXTREMELY uncomfortable to use, but wow, do you feel better after you use it. I figure after torturing myself with that and the ball, I'll be better prepared for the massage. :p

Wish me luck!


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Thanks! ;)

The massage appointment went well - there were a lot of weird knots and lumpy feelings and OHMYGODTHATSTENDER spots as she was moving around, but it was overall, a good thing.

We think I've got an issue with my right IT band (I injured my left one years ago during my first half marathon), and we discussed doing more stretching. Especially where my back gets tweaked more easily now, the more I can do to prevent issues (stretching, etc.) will be my best course of action.

Fun fun.
Things are feeling better than they did a couple days ago. I'm still off exercise until Monday, but then I plan to hop back in (after stretching!!) and get back on the stick.



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I'm doing physical therapy for my back now. I've been to 6 sessions in 3 weeks. My therapist is increasing the intensity of the exercises every time. Yowch. I get 15 mins of a heating pad and electro stim to start, then the exercises. (I also get a few minutes of deep tissue massage that sometimes feels great and sometimes hurts like a bitch.) It's my lower back that bothers me, so we are focusing on strengthening my lower core. Lots of leg lift things, now working on with a yoga ball for many of them...

Thing is, many if not most of these exercises, I used to accomplish in a one hour water aerobics class when I was doing that, from about 2006-2009 or 10. And I'd follow the class up with 15 mins in the gym's hot tub with water jets. So... gym with pool costs $50 a month, I get the same exercise, and I get heat and stim from the hot tub. PT costs $20 copay PER SESSION, $160 a month. I'm going to give PT a few more weeks, then join a gym and take water aerobics classes, and swim on my own when I have time.

I dunno how important running is to you, YaH, and I hate to say running is no longer for you at your age, but maybe it is? Maybe swimming would be a better way to keep in shape? Or maybe you could alternate working out in a pool with the more punishing high impact of running.
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Running tends to be the one thing I can stick with (somewhat) because, when I sign up for a race, I'm accountable to do it. Plus, I like the "all I need are shoes and a place to run" thing. No special equipment. No memberships anywhere. Just shoes. And a good bra. A really freakin' good bra. And I JUST BOUGHT two really freakin' good bras, so if I have to stop now, I'll be annoyed.

However, since I last ran regularly, I've probably put on about 20-25 pounds and that isn't helping. I was hoping to start the exercise first and let the diet follow a bit (so I wasn't trying to change ALL THE THINGS and end up overwhelmed with all the change and letting it all fall apart), but it doesn't seem like that's the best tactic.

Unless I can find more time in my schedule (and a place to go for it), yoga is out. However, there's talk about bringing in a yoga class where I work. If I can convince them to not do it when I'm teaching Spinning, I might be able to try it! Or maybe I'll change my class schedule.

At any rate, the foam roller is now my new best frenemy. That, and I'm getting back on the diet wagon tomorrow to drop the extra weight and help my body out a bit. PT may still be in my future, though. I'd like to give it a chance before giving it up entirely. Emotionally, I don't want to give up, but if I have to, I have to. I'll just have to watch my tendency to keep my ass on the couch. With a crappy family medical history, I need to keep moving.


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I have mostly stopped running. I do yoga, bike and walk. It is not the same as running but definitely easier on the body. I use the fitness counter on my phone to track steps and motivate myself but the best reward is sex. I would swim if my gym had a pool.
I hear you that scheduling things is a challenge.