A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")

Leetah

Member
Perhaps just a little "whacky"?

Do you still see the PT to ask why the exercises are unbalanced?

Leetah
 

YouAreHere

Active member
Do you still see the PT to ask why the exercises are unbalanced?


Oh, definitely whacky. :D
And no... Insurance said I was done, so I'm done. Sigh.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Oh, definitely whacky. :D
And no... Insurance said I was done, so I'm done. Sigh.

I kept going to my chiropractor after my insurance ran out. He knew this, and was nice enough to give me a discount. I had to keep going, since my back problems are so longstanding, it is taking a helluva a lot longer to fix me up than the mere 20 visits that insurance partly paid for. I had a $20 copay anyway. My chiropractor discounted me to $15 a visit! (However, I had to go on MassHealth because of financial reversals, so now I have a reset and no copay, at least for now.)

I doubt a PT clinic would be so kind as to discount you, but it doesn't hurt to ask.
 

nycindie

Active member
. . . I'm using the resistance band my PT guy gave me to work on the outer hip, when there's no similar exercise for the inner thigh muscles, so maybe I'm getting a bit out of whack.
When you say "PT" do you mean Physical Therapist or Personal Trainer? If it's a Physical Therapist, and good at it, he or she should know better. Personal Trainers don't have the training Physical Therapists have, so they might not always see the big picture.

And yes, you can work the adductors by using the band in the other direction, a bodybar, or just lying down doing leg lifts. See http://www.bodylastics.com/pages/leg-adduction or these:
hqdefault.jpg

SecretGreatGlutesLegs001.jpg

hipadductorleglift.jpg




(Pet Peeve alert: my ex is a Physical Therapist and it always bugs me when/if I see Personal Trainers calling themselves PTs because of all the education and training my ex went through. Personal Trainers aren't actually allowed to use the PT designation. It's an official thing, and would be like someone saying they're an MD when they're not actually a medical doctor.)
 
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YouAreHere

Active member
Definitely "Physical Therapist" - I didn't realize personal trainers were using the same term; seems pretty confusing at best, misleading at worst.

Thanks for the exercises! I'm sure my PT guy knew better, but he was hoping for more sessions when insurance cut me off. He was focusing far more on me strengthening my core, and the one exercise with the resistance band on my hip was only one out of many. I figure he probably wanted to add more further down the road.

When I left, I asked for more exercises to do if insurance didn't clear me for more appointments, and again, they were core related (along with particular squats and lunges). I'll add the other resistance band exercise to my repertoire, though, to balance things out.

At this point, if I can't run, I figure I'll bike. I got some new pedals for the bike, did some maintenance on it, and it's ready to go, so we'll see... The only big hangup for me there is being nervous on the roads with traffic. I don't see that getting better without experience, though.
 

YouAreHere

Active member
It's probably a bit too late for this statement, but I'll say it anyway: this blog thread is my place to vent emotion, work through things I'm still chewing on, etc., without having to be all polished and... well... *nice*. A diary of sorts, with people on the other side who are fully welcome to call me out on my shit if I need it. If someone reads this who probably shouldn't, I'll probably apologize for being harsh with my words, but I will not apologize for the need to get them out and work through them. And I won't shut my voice off for fear of hurting someone's feelings.

No, this wasn't brought on by anyone else's blog threads of late. I've just had my own "blog reaction" issue. Sigh...

I posted a recent update to my external blog here. I usually wait to post until I have all my shit together and my nicely-polished turd can come out the other side for all to read, but instead I decided to post about something I still struggle with, and may still struggle with as I try to work my way through it. I won't rehash it all here; it's all in the above link. Summary version, though, is that I tend to wall myself off from things that Chops and his partners enjoy or express enthusiasm about together. I consider those things "theirs" and feel very much like I want to distance myself from those things.

Which makes travel a bit weird when it comes to going to the city Xena lived in for a number of years. Short of the long, Chops and I will be going to Xena's home city in February, we're running a road race together, and there are things we plan to see together that I know we'll enjoy. I'm working on getting out of my own way and enjoying our trip to the west coast, as opposed to internalizing it as "theirs" and just avoiding it.

And so, I blogged about my struggle with it and tried to dig into the "why" behind it (even though I'm not convinced I'm there yet). Chops and I had discussed the topic at length; I was comfortable that it wasn't going to be a "Chops and Xena tour of the city", and I'm looking forward to both the trip and to winning this small battle over myself.

I received an email from Xena saying she saw the blog post and maybe we should all talk about that (among other things - we do need to work out some schedule adjustments soon, so we would have needed a get-together of some sort). I responded back that I didn't really need to talk about the trip, but yes, let's do the calendar stuff, and maybe we can just do it over Skype instead.

Mmm, nope. That was the wrong answer. What happened to me usually wanting to "talk til you puke"? Don't we have some sort of relationship where we talk about these things, especially when she's involved? Don't I usually just give her a heads-up even when I work something out so she knows? (Answer: well, not always - just the ones you know about... I just made the mistake of publicly blogging about this one).

She felt left out, and to be honest, I felt annoyed as fuck.

I spoke at length with Chops about the trip, and to be blunt, he's really the only person I *wanted* to speak with about it. I don't want anyone else trying to fix it; I just wanted Chops' reassurance that this trip would feel like our trip, and that I wouldn't feel like a weird third wheel on it. My job to work through my shit, and I asked for some help from my partner. Okay, done.

But here I found myself doing damage control. For what? For blogging about something I was struggling with and not talking to her about it first.

I don't fucking think so.

I'm not a monster... clearly, she feels left out and distanced from me, so I offered that yes, we should get together in person rather than over Skype, and we should talk about THAT if she wants - her feeling left out. She does, we're getting together Wednesday.

But I'm really still seriously annoyed by the assumption that I will come talk with her about these things. This is once again crossing the line into "what the fuck kind of relationship do you want from me?!" territory. We *have* discussed things that have involved the other person, but there are definitely things that I haven't discussed. Am I expected to give a heads-up before any blog posts?

Sigh. Yes, still annoyed. Clearly.
And she's been hormonal (perimenopausal) and *I'm* clearly PMS'ing and cranky, so this discussion certainly has potential to go down the shitter if the stars align just so. I'm hoping that doesn't happen, but oy. Is it kinder for me to just say "I'm done" and distance myself from her so we can get rid of this "I want more"/"I can't give you more" dance we've been doing for the last few years? Or do I suck it up and keep dancing in order to keep the peace?

There's got to be *some* happy medium between too close and too far away, no?

My head hurts.

Anyway... back to my first paragraph. I'm venting. The conversation will probably go well, we'll probably hug and come to some understanding, but I'm still feeling like I'm going to bring up the fact that, while there are things we will continue to discuss, there are other things that I will *not* speak to her about because I don't feel the need. I don't want to be obligated to do so.

Oh well... Rant over. Thanks for letting me spew. :)

On a good note, the Poland trip with Chops is starting to come together. Our 22-hour layover in Dublin is shaping up to be a fun (if tiring) day - even found a nicely-reviewed breakfast joint for when we arrive, and I just have to figure out the train system in Poland so we don't end up stuck somewhere between the airport and Krakow. So. Excited. :)

And BabySis's wedding is only about 5 weeks away. I got talked into buying a nice dark purple dress (I will say I think I rocked it :D ) that matches Chops' kilt, and the girls now have shoes to wear with their Junior Bridesmaid dresses. Alterations next week! Holy crap, time flies. October is a little over a month away! :eek:
 
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YouAreHere

Active member
Welp...

The talk happened. It feels... unfinished, I think.

We ate first, mostly in awkward silence. Once Xena felt ready to talk, she mentioned how she felt that we used to talk about *everything*, and even if it wasn't something directly related to her, then she'd at least get a heads-up about it, and how she felt that was changing, and why, if "talk til you puke" was so important, is it something that isn't important now?

And then I, in my nervousness, got defensive and steamrolled the rest of the conversation.

I think I need to revisit the "talk til you puke" thing that I used to like so much, because there are limitations to it. Talking when your ideas are half-formed (or malformed), and trying to verbally do my emotional processing in front of both Chops and Xena was just a mess. Maybe she felt closer to me because I was doing it, but the results were just awful. We're all fixers, and I'm a people-pleaser. Solutions got proposed for problems that still weren't fully understood, I went along with them, and nothing got better. Go figure.

Instead, I've been working on managing my own shit, and trying to get more of a handle on things before I talk about them. Now, I've been working on that for a while - at least a couple years - and I think it works better for me. Xena can't solve my emotional problems - she can't feel my emotions. She tries to do something to fix whatever the problem is, and - surprise! - something else triggers it, I end up angry because she didn't do what she said she'd do (fix it), and she's frustrated because NOW what did she do? This was how we went back and forth about my issues with Facebook a couple years back, and it didn't work. The only one I can depend upon is *me* to manage this in a way that works for me... so I do.

So, I dumped all this out last night. That this isn't a recent change, this has been going on for a while. I've been working through things either on my own, or after having some discussions with Chops, for a LONG TIME NOW, and it came to a head because she saw something in a blog post this time.

(Post-game analysis is that this probably just made things worse. If she's feeling left out because I don't talk to her, then how would it feel to find out that I have been leaving her out of things for a lot longer than she thought?)

I also brought up that I'm managing my own shit now, because I'm really the only person I can depend upon. Chops jumped in here too, with his own experiences, and how he wants to fix things for me and I don't let him (I feel it makes me too dependent on him in certain circumstances, and it just frustrates me when I *can't* depend on him for certain things because he's not here).

In some cases, I mentioned where I needed his help, and we talked about those specific cases (Choplet, for example), but when I need help, I'll ask for it, rather than expecting him to jump in to the rescue.

(Post-game analysis: Again, probably made things worse. Not only does she feel more distant from me than she wants to, but now *her partner* discusses knowing about my pulling back from the group discussions in favor of self-management and smaller, targeted discussions when *she* didn't know).

Overall, I dumped all this out in a way that didn't really allow for a lot of questioning or back-and-forth, because I wanted to remain firm. I didn't want to feel like I had to justify anything. It's healthier for me to do things this way. The only thing I apologized for was the fact that she felt blindsided. To me, I thought it was clear that I was doing this. To her, I guess it wasn't. As a people-pleaser, not justifying or apologizing is HUGE for me. I don't like leaving people feeling awful, but I know from experience that trying to fix it by doing something I don't want to do never lasts and never works in the long run.

However, in my attempt to be firm, I instead felt like I steamrolled the conversation. By the time I was done, she seemed to have shut down. "What else is there to say, but okay?"

So... okay.
We went through the calendar changes that need to happen (travel, weddings, and the like), and then she went home.

I expect there to be more discussion after she processes things. I guess Xena's been having issues feeling like people are hiding things from her (by not telling her things), so this is probably only adding fuel to that fire. Still, it's not going to change the way I'm doing things. Impasse time.

Oh well.
As it stands, I'm perfectly happy with the amount of interaction we currently have: family get-togethers, maybe some larger group stuff (friends' parties, the cookout she hosted for the wider polycule, etc.), and some occasional get-togethers with just the three of us. If it's just the two of us and we don't have an agenda (antiquing, something ELSE to do), then unless I have a few drinks in me, holding a conversation with her is just HARD. It's draining, and I really just don't want to hang out with her more one-on-one.

I'm still hoping that, whatever her response is, that we can at least still enjoy the level of friendship that we *do* have. That we can still work out the calendar amicably, have a good time at holidays, still get together on Christmas and play CAH... that type of thing. Otherwise, it may not impact me all that much, but it's going to get awkward fast, and more difficult for Chops.

We shall see...
 
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YouAreHere

Active member
Procrastinating.

I'm in a crash course this week to get my Security+ certification. M-Th is the class, Friday is the test. Wham-bam-thank you ma'am. My head is spinning with port numbers, encryption methodologies, authentication protocols, you name it. This week is "YouAreHere is a VERY BORING PERSON week."

But I need a break.

House has a new deck on it. Yay!
Not quite as big as the old deck, but probably more useful. The old one was built up to a pool that no longer exists, and had a strange shape. This one's one level and just plain old rectangular. No weird pointy spots we can't use. No wobbly railings. No rotten boards. And no Home Depot Homer buckets used as footings because they couldn't dig below the frost line (they don't call NH the Granite State for nothin'!).

However, spreading loam and seeding is out of the question due to the drought and the mandatory water restrictions. It'll probably have to remain a dust bowl until spring. There'll be a nice new deck in the dirt, at any rate.

Followup on the conversation in the last post is that there has been no followup. Xena has been really, REALLY quiet in general. Part of me was expecting an email followup a couple days afterward, but no. Not much activity on FB, either. The People Pleaser part of me angsted a bit about upsetting her, but that's calmed down at this point. We'll see what happens on Halloween, since that's the next time we're all supposed to get together.

Things with Choplet seem to be improving. I'm remaining optimistic but guarded, I guess, but he talked about coming up to help with the deck construction (although I'd already hired someone to do it). Conversation (at least on FB - he *is* in his 20s, lol) seems to be a bit easier and not forced. It's nice. I still have to figure out how to get him the "C is for Cthulu" book that the girls wanted to get GrandbabyChoplet, but it's not time critical. :)

Oh, and the state primary is today. NH makes it extremely easy to remain "undeclared," as long as you walk back to another table with the roster and state your intent to go back to undeclared. I voted, and just walked right past that table on my way out, which feels like a huge change for me. At this point, I feel like there's only one political party out there that represents the things I value in my country. I'm no longer straddling the fence. While I like the idea of a third party, I don't think either the Greens or the Libs are for me (and I *like* Johnson and Weld!). So, there ya go. I'm *officially* a bleeding heart liberal now.

Okay. I've procrastinated enough. Off to dive deeper into the land of encryption and authentication. If you don't hear from me in a month, send help! :eek:
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Good luck with that class. Sounds rough.
 

YouAreHere

Active member
Thanks, Kevin!

The test was today, and - yay! - I did well on it! So, instead of going back to work in the afternoon (I was so wiped), I went home, did some grocery shopping, then sat out on the new deck with a glass of wine and my Kindle for a while. The one thing about getting a certification is that it proves that you truly were certifiable in the first place! :D

Thankfully, THAT'S all over. I'll need to keep my CEUs up in order to keep the certification (or take the test again in three years), but for now, I'm just going to let all that authentication, encryption, and networking stuff just stop swirling around in my head for a while.

Busy Saturday coming up, and then... back to life at its "normal" pace. Phew.
 

YouAreHere

Active member
Thanks! It's a relief after going into the test resigned to what I was going to get (and hoping I wouldn't have to retake it any time soon).
:)
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Congrats on a job well done!

And I am so glad our weather has been great for enjoying your new deck! Pixi and I actually ate dinner on our deck a couple nights this week. Clear and lovely and no mosquitoes!
 

YouAreHere

Active member
Jeesh... December already?

Let's see... I haven't blogged much (obviously), either here or on my other blog. I had a number of posts for that blog in the hopper, and then... meh. I know part of it is just losing steam at the end of the day. I have to wonder if part of it is due to Xena's reaction to my last post as well. And then I have to shrug and say, bah. My blog. Better post something before it gathers more dust. Damn the critics!

As far as the rest of my life, things are good and oddly settled. I have found myself in the strange role of being Chops' only outlet to discuss everything going on in his life (read: his other relationships), but so far it's more BFF-to-BFF talking and no triangulation or weirdness. I throw the TMI Flag onto the field if I need to (and don't often need to, thankfully), and so far, I've been good about putting on the "friend hat" and distancing myself from everything enough to be a decent listener (and maybe even suggest alternate viewpoints that he hasn't really thought of). That's me: Madam Neutral. Just call me Switzerland. :p

Still, I know it's not the healthiest thing to rely on one partner to be your only outlet, so I'm acutely aware that I may have to raise my hand at some point and say "no mas." I'm not sure who he'd actually talk to at that point, and we're not there yet certainly, but it's one of those things that make you go "hmmmm" (cue C&C Music Factory).

Overall, though, it feels like it's been good for our relationship so far. We feel extremely close to each other, and can honestly just talk about what-the-hell-ever pops into our heads. It's fantastic to be at this point with him, especially considering the turmoil in the beginning of the relationship. Lots of emotional work on everyone's side, and I think we've found a groove where we can just lay back and bask a bit. It's pretty nice. :)

As far as the "blog discussion" goes, Xena never really brought up the topic again after that last discussion... and I don't know that I blame her, after I kind of steamrolled her. Still, things are in a pretty decent place between us, as far as I'm concerned. We've gotten together in groups since then - Thanksgiving, birthdays - and those times have been great. She's not really pushing for us to be super close anymore, and so far she seems okay with the level of friendship we do have (sort of like that person in the group of friends whose company you enjoy when you're in the group, but you don't ever hang out with them one-on-one). Knock wood.

The Choplet situation has definitely improved, in that I don't feel ignored anymore (hooray!). It's clear that he and Xena have a different relationship than he and I ever will, and that's fine. I'm just happy to be acknowledged.

On the "things I want to blog about" front, I found myself getting really, really spun up at the "Monogamists, Threat or Menace?" thread from a while back (and the related discussion on another thread), and a similar sentiment from Eve Rickert of all people probably chucked me over the edge (I won't go into depth here, but if you find the thread in question, I posted the quote from Eve as well). I had angrily typed up a whole bunch of disjointed statements and then sat on it for a while. Now I've cooled off enough to recognize that I probably only have a paragraph's worth of material that's post-worthy. If that. :eek:

Another topic that I think I probably will post about next is about identity and how/why I identify as monogamous (which may not be how many people use the definition). I identify very strongly with GirlFromTexlahoma with the way she described herself in her blog: probably able to do FWBs just fine, but as soon as it crosses from "friend" into "relationship", I don't think I could handle it. I appreciate GFT's sharing of her self-introspection on that topic (so thanks, GFT!), and it's interesting to see how similar people can be (at least on paper), yet struggle to come up with an identity that works for them... and may in fact go on to pick identities that would seem to contradict each other.

Lots of food for thought to chew on.

And now that the holiday season is upon us again, I decided to take back my love for Christmas and not get burned out/stressed out/aggravated this time around. I decorated the inside of the house more than I have in recent years. I bought BAKING ingredients! (SQUEE!) I'm gonna OWN this holiday!

Post-divorce, I think I just burned myself out trying to "do Christmas" - especially with kids who still believed in Santa at the time. This year, that's behind me. I'm back, babies! :D

Let's see... what else?
The polycule ebbs and flows. Chops' relationships with Curls and CheeseGirl have grown closer. The parallels make me laugh, as Curls is very much like Xena, and CheeseGirl reminds me of me. In fact, Curls and Xena have become EXTREMELY close. CheeseGirl and I have been chatting on FB a bit, but haven't met yet. Chops and Xena are planning another get-together for everyone for the holidays, so we'll meet then (I met Curls at the last one, in July). Chops is a saturated boy (although, at least on my end, I feel like he's been a fantastic hinge and I'm not really feeling pressed for time with him).

The cats are friggin' cute. The kids are fantastic. The house is lit up for Christmas. I have a shit-ton of beef stew in the fridge that I made yesterday. All is right in the world. At least for now. :p

(Okay, I have some sister drama, but that seems to be easing up at this point as well... fingers crossed!)
 

YouAreHere

Active member
Huh... Only buried down to Page 3 of the Blogs section. Let's dust off the electrons a bit while I wait for some lab equipment, shall we?

What has YAH been up to since... um... (looks at previous post) December?
Clearly, I've fallen off the planet a bit.

For all the good intentions of my (external) blog, posting here and on the Mono/Poly email list, I think I just got burned out, pulled back, and wanted to just live my damned life and quit talking about it. Other factors pulling me into my nice, cozy hole: the election (I pulled off Facebook quite a bit, after it turned toxic), and <sheepish look> the addition of an Xbox 360 and Skyrim to the household. Bought it for my kid, and now I'm hopelessly addicted to the game... lol. :eek:

Still, I log in here somewhat regularly to read, and I've noticed a couple threads where I've found myself talking to the screen. I figure actually replying might work a bit better. :p Plus, you folks are a great community and I kinda missed you all.

Anyhoo... not sure how much time I'll have to catch up on what's happened the last few months, but here goes the nutshell version:

In the "random crap" category: Christmas was faboo, the house is a series of never-ending projects, my car may not pass its next inspection unless I can plug a series of holes, just got through a major test activity at work, and Chops and I have made our first wine kit (Pinot Gris). Actually tastes like wine and everything! What a fun hobby THAT looks like it's going to be. :D

In the "Choplet" category: Not much to say. Things are going well, I've tried to quit paying attention to FB anyway, which tends to be my big bugaboo, but things seem to be going well regardless - no feeling excluded on my end anymore.

In the "larger Polycule" category:
  • Xena has definitely backed off from wanting more of my time, but I think it's mainly because there's now a triad of sorts between her, Chops, and Curls. She's got the configuration she wanted, and all seems to be going well. They seem to be doing well with individual relationship time as well, so all is smooth on that end.
  • Other relationships have shuffled a bit... CheeseGirl needed more time from a romantic relationship than Chops could provide, so they've moved on to being close friends. I'm not sure how much longer the relationship with Noa will go on, as that's been getting strained over time. Shaggy and Xena are no longer together as well. The sig's gonna need updating.
  • The kids have met everyone and just roll with it. Makes me laugh how flexible they are with everything. We went to Curls' house for Spring Dinner this year, and my younger daughter spent half her time on the floor taking pictures of Curls' cat anyway. :D
  • The big news: Things are going so well for the Chops/Xena/Curls triad, they're actually looking into buying a house together.

Okay, so maybe a bit more info on that last bullet... :p
The "commune" / Tribe idea was strong with Chops and Xena, going way back. It kind of came up a few months ago in conversation, in the context of finding a way to pool resources together so Chops' mom, his sister and BF, and everyone in his life could basically not have to worry about things like heat and utilities, provide as they could (either financially, with services around the home, etc.). I'm probably not doing the concept justice in my nutshell version, but think "family compound" or "family tenement" style of living. I've done my due diligence in poking (hard) at him about making sure they have contingencies in place for if things go south, but at some point it gets interpreted as negativity rather than being cautious and prepared, so I've said all I'm going to say about it.

Step 1 is to see if the C/X/C triad can actually live together, and move on from there. If they rent, fine. If they buy and the house/building has multiple units, even better to begin future planning.

Steps 2+ would potentially involve his sister and her BF, or his mom, or me. Or any combination thereof.

As for *my* part in all this, I said that sure, I'd be happy to contribute. Be a financial contributor if my house gets clean and my SIL's BF can make his corn salsa all the damned time? Where do I sign up? But it won't happen until the kids are grown, and it won't happen unless I have my own *divided* space. As in, no shared living areas except for the yard. I want my own place to retreat to, or to have people over in.

So... who knows what's going to happen there, or if it's really going to happen. It's just interesting to see it happening, and to see both Chops actually considering getting his name on a house again (heh), and me actually considering living alongside everyone. Who the hell am I? :rolleyes:

All right... Nutshell version done. I missed you guys. Guess I'll jump in on some of the other threads a bit later. :D
 

YouAreHere

Active member
Identity Crisis... Who/Where is YouAreHere?!

Well... a lot has happened in a few months. YAH ended up having herself a full-blown identity crisis for a while! But I'll get to that...

What the heck did I talk about last time? YouAreHere has most definitely NOT been "here."

Oh, yeah...

The .sig most definitely needs updating. Noa abruptly left Chops' life and unfriended all the rest of us from Facebook soon thereafter. Lots going on there, and I feel for her, but zoinks... scorched earth. Cheesegirl and Chops are pretty much just friends at this point. Xena and Curls' relationship has kind of backed up a few steps, but the house plans are still in motion, even if it ends up to be a couple of different living spaces or something. Xena's got a new guy that she's really happy about, and she's really (REALLY) working on tamping down her expectations when it comes to what kind of relationships she wants with people (which was one of the big bugaboos with why we didn't really get along all that well in the beginning of the relationship with Chops). Things are going pretty well, all things considered.

And then there's me. Good ol' Mono, Pendulum-hearted me. Good ol' me who was the recipient of some nice, flirty attention from a coworker (well, we're in the same building, he's in my spin classes, but we'll never actually *work* together - very different disciplines). Good ol' me who really liked the flirting and reciprocated, because hey - it's all cool and open and on the up and up, and I think he's a cool guy. Good ol' me who thought, as the flirting went on, "Hm... I wonder if I'm right or wrong about myself..."

And now... Good ol' me who's been on two dates with this guy and is now planning a third. :eek:

Yeah, we'll let THAT sink in for a bit, shall we?

A little bit longer, perhaps. Hell, *I'm* still letting it sink in.

Chops and I have had some long conversations about it. The Pendulum thing really threw him, since I was SO adamant about being that way, and he didn't understand what changed. And I guess nothing changed, except I really just wanted to see if I really DO know myself, and to do it by challenging myself, and see, now that a mutual attraction has presented itself, if I really were the person I believed myself to be. I didn't want to ask myself "what if" - if I had/have regrets, I at least wanted them to be about SOMETHING rather than NOT doing something... if that makes sense.

Of course, it makes New Guy something of a science project, which I hate, but I'm being completely honest about not knowing where this is going, or knowing if I will be able to actually *do* a relationship (but then again, so is New Guy - he's been really damned good about digging into the deep stuff rather than noping out of the whole thing. It's been impressive!). So my goal is to keep doing that, keep being proactive about talking about stuff, and see where things go.

On the plus side, I'm really into this guy, and I don't think it's negatively impacting my feelings for Chops. I am, however, totally overanalyzing the HELL out of myself, though, and it's getting tiring. I occasionally feel disingenuous about myself (ID'ing as Mono), and wonder if it'd just be best to wrap up my other blog in a nice little bow and end it (due to the Mono/Poly-centric-ness of it), but then I wonder if it'd be better to just keep it going and have it become something else as well. I pulled away entirely from the blog, and from the board, just to chew on all this for a while, and I think I'm at a point now where I'm okay with this shift, and I'll roll with it and talk about it, and see how things go.

And then, I also think I've just come to the conclusion that I'm too old for this labeling shit, and I'm done with trying to put a name to who/what I am, other than "me." Screw it. And pulling away from the board feels dumb, because gee - MAYBE one or two of you here has been through this before, no? Oh well... if there's one label that may stick, it's "stubborn." :p

So yeah. My signature needs updating. And New Guy needs a name. Who the hell am I again? Maybe it's time to shutter this blog thread and open another... Chapter Two, perhaps. Onward and upward.

Life sure is interesting, isn't it?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Well that was an unexpected turn of events. ;) Perhaps congrats are in order? :D
 

YouAreHere

Active member
Thanks, Kevin. :)

Maybe? We'll see... Could be a good thing, could end up a major mess. Clearly, I'm hoping it doesn't end up a mess, but at least I'll know a little bit more about myself (and won't wonder about the "what-ifs") in the long run.

Next date is tomorrow, so I'll be updating the new blog thread after that with a little history and how things went/are going. Lots of deep dive discussion happening tomorrow (he's asked a bunch of questions in email, and then told me to wait until we were face-to-face to answer them... the torture!), so I'm hoping for a good outcome... whatever it may be.
 
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