K and I have known each other for almost 20 years. His best friend is married to my sister, so holidays and such were always spent together. We are all from the same very small town. K and I have always felt a connection to one another, but never attempted or acknowledged anything other than friendship, likely because he is mono and was always in a long-term relationship.
Last summer, we were both visiting his best friend and my sister at the same time, and he told me how he felt. I was very hesitant about pursuing anything, given I am not mono. (I am in 3 relationships.) But we ended up having a really magical night, amazing sex, etc., etc. His feelings were big and intense. I was very clear about 1) me not dropping my relationships and becoming mono, 2) me not having a whole lot of time or emotional bandwidth, because my three relationships are a lot.
We talked for three months. Some of the conversations were stressful. Although we live in the same town, we didn’t physically see each other during those three months because I was very confused and didn’t know what to do. We talked constantly via messaging. He wanted to date. He wanted me to move in. He said he could see himself married to me and having a child with me, etc. I really, really, really ridiculously cared about him, but wasn’t willing to drop my relationships. (I am with people he has met many times. I’ve been with two partners for over 10 years and the other for 5.) I already have a live-in partner. I was open about possibly having a sexual, friends with benefits relationship, but I was very worried I wouldn’t be able to manage/handle another relationship, especially with someone who identifies as mono.
People I talked to about the situation, my sister, who is my most important person, my partners, even my therapist, told me dating him would not be a good idea. I posted on the polyamory subreddit and was given really great advice. Did I listen? Of course not. After three months, talking almost nonstop, I decided to give it a go. I could only see him 2-3 times a week, which I was very up front about. We had really great times. We visited his best friend and my sister. I went to his family’s house as his girlfriend, which baffled/surprised his family and made them very happy.
Then it became very hard because he wanted to see me more. He continued to tell me he wished he could be monogamous with me, etc. After about 4 months, we ended things.
I took the breakup very hard. I am not sure I have been in that much pain since my dad passed away. I spoke to K every day for 6 or so months, and then suddenly, we weren’t speaking every day. Some days, I was so distraught and hurting that I wasn’t functional. I missed work, cried in bed. A few weeks after we broke up, we met in person to talk, have closure. We wanted to see each other because we enjoy each other so much. I was pleasantly surprised at how physical he was-- kissing me and things. But as much as I wanted to, we didn’t go further, because I wasn’t in a good space for that at all.
A couple months later, after a lot of healing, we are again talking most days, sending memes or whatever. We see each other once every couple of weeks or so and have such a great time together, talking, laughing, sex. I feel at a much better place, and our connection/situationship seems to fit us both better now, although I think he would like to see me more (not to re-ignite a romantic relationship). It’s weird, because this is initially exactly what I wanted, a sexual relationship/friends with benefits situation.
However, everyone around me, my sister, my partners, especially my nesting partner, saw how devastated I was when K and I broke up. He never liked the idea of K and me dating, given that K really wanted me to be monogamous. After seeing me so upset, he feels very uncomfortable about me hanging out with K. I understand this and why. But K is not some random mono dude I met. He is someone who has always been one of my favorite people. I told my live-in partner that years ago.
My partners express discomfort with me spending time with someone that I cried a lot over. I am having a hard time navigating this. My live-in partner is extremely uncomfortable, and that is what is bothering me the most. I don’t know what I can do or say to make him feel more safe/comfortable. When I ask about his discomfort, it’s typically because of how upset I was. “He made you so upset. It was really hard to see you that way”.
I feel guilty if I hang out with K, but I enjoy him so much. I’m not sure what to do.
Last summer, we were both visiting his best friend and my sister at the same time, and he told me how he felt. I was very hesitant about pursuing anything, given I am not mono. (I am in 3 relationships.) But we ended up having a really magical night, amazing sex, etc., etc. His feelings were big and intense. I was very clear about 1) me not dropping my relationships and becoming mono, 2) me not having a whole lot of time or emotional bandwidth, because my three relationships are a lot.
We talked for three months. Some of the conversations were stressful. Although we live in the same town, we didn’t physically see each other during those three months because I was very confused and didn’t know what to do. We talked constantly via messaging. He wanted to date. He wanted me to move in. He said he could see himself married to me and having a child with me, etc. I really, really, really ridiculously cared about him, but wasn’t willing to drop my relationships. (I am with people he has met many times. I’ve been with two partners for over 10 years and the other for 5.) I already have a live-in partner. I was open about possibly having a sexual, friends with benefits relationship, but I was very worried I wouldn’t be able to manage/handle another relationship, especially with someone who identifies as mono.
People I talked to about the situation, my sister, who is my most important person, my partners, even my therapist, told me dating him would not be a good idea. I posted on the polyamory subreddit and was given really great advice. Did I listen? Of course not. After three months, talking almost nonstop, I decided to give it a go. I could only see him 2-3 times a week, which I was very up front about. We had really great times. We visited his best friend and my sister. I went to his family’s house as his girlfriend, which baffled/surprised his family and made them very happy.
Then it became very hard because he wanted to see me more. He continued to tell me he wished he could be monogamous with me, etc. After about 4 months, we ended things.
I took the breakup very hard. I am not sure I have been in that much pain since my dad passed away. I spoke to K every day for 6 or so months, and then suddenly, we weren’t speaking every day. Some days, I was so distraught and hurting that I wasn’t functional. I missed work, cried in bed. A few weeks after we broke up, we met in person to talk, have closure. We wanted to see each other because we enjoy each other so much. I was pleasantly surprised at how physical he was-- kissing me and things. But as much as I wanted to, we didn’t go further, because I wasn’t in a good space for that at all.
A couple months later, after a lot of healing, we are again talking most days, sending memes or whatever. We see each other once every couple of weeks or so and have such a great time together, talking, laughing, sex. I feel at a much better place, and our connection/situationship seems to fit us both better now, although I think he would like to see me more (not to re-ignite a romantic relationship). It’s weird, because this is initially exactly what I wanted, a sexual relationship/friends with benefits situation.
However, everyone around me, my sister, my partners, especially my nesting partner, saw how devastated I was when K and I broke up. He never liked the idea of K and me dating, given that K really wanted me to be monogamous. After seeing me so upset, he feels very uncomfortable about me hanging out with K. I understand this and why. But K is not some random mono dude I met. He is someone who has always been one of my favorite people. I told my live-in partner that years ago.
My partners express discomfort with me spending time with someone that I cried a lot over. I am having a hard time navigating this. My live-in partner is extremely uncomfortable, and that is what is bothering me the most. I don’t know what I can do or say to make him feel more safe/comfortable. When I ask about his discomfort, it’s typically because of how upset I was. “He made you so upset. It was really hard to see you that way”.
I feel guilty if I hang out with K, but I enjoy him so much. I’m not sure what to do.
Experienced poly people in multiple long-term relationships can have problems, too. But I guess since polyamory is so new, there are more newbies doing it than people who've been doing it for a decade or more.
