A polyam and a mono walk into a bar…

osamenor

New member
K and I have known each other for almost 20 years. His best friend is married to my sister - so holidays and such were always spent together. We are all from the same very small town. K and I have always felt a connection to one another but never attempted or acknowledged anything other than friendship, likely because he is mono and was always in a long-term relationship.

Last summer, we were both visiting his best friend/my sister at the same time, and he told me how he felt. I was very hesitant about pursuing anything given I am not mono (am in 3 relationships). We ended up having a really magical night, amazing sex, etc. etc. His feelings were big and intense. I was very clear about 1.) me not dropping my relationships and becoming mono, 2.) me not having a whole lot of time or emotional bandwidth because 3 relationships is a lot.

For three months, we talked and some of the conversations were stressful. Although we live in the same town, we didn’t physically see each other during those three months because I was very confused and didn’t know what to do. We talked constantly via messaging. He wanted to date - wanted me to move in, said he could see himself married to me and having a child with me, etc. I really, really, really ridiculously cared about him but wasn’t willing to drop my relationships (with people he has met many times - I’ve been with two partners for over 10 years and the other for 5), including my live-in partner. I was open about possibly having a sexual relationship, friends with benefits situation but very worried I wouldn’t be able to manage/handle another relationship - especially someone who identifies as mono.

People I talked to about the sitution told me dating him would not be a good idea. My sister (who is the most important person to me), partners, even my therapist. I posted on the polyamory subreddit and was given really great advice. Did I listen? Of course not. After three months, talking almost nonstop, I decided to give it a go. I could only see him 2-3 times a week which I was very up front about. We had really great times. We visited his best friend/my sister. I went to his family’s house as his girlfriend which baffled/surprised his family and made them very happy. It became very hard because of course he wanted to see me more. He continued to tell me he wished he could be monogamous with me, etc. After about 4 months, we ended things.

I took the break up very hard. I am not sure I have been in that much pain since my dad passed away. I spoke to K every day for 6 or so months, and then suddenly, we weren’t speaking every day. Some days, I was so distraught and hurting that I wasn’t functional - missed work, cried in bed. A few weeks after we broke up, we met in person to talk, have closure, to see each other because we enjoy each other so much. I was pleasantly surprised at how physical he was - kissing me and things. As much as I wanted to, we didn’t go further because I wasn’t in a good space for that at all.

A couple months later, after a lot of healing, we talk most days - sending memes or whatever. We see each other once every couple of weeks or so and have such a great time together. Talking, laughing, sex. I feel at a much better place, and our connection/situationship seems to fit us both better now although I think he would like to see me more (not to re-ignite a romantic relationship). It’s weird because this is initially exactly what I wanted - a sexual relationship/friends with benefits situation.

However, everyone around me - my sister, my partners - saw how devastated I was when K and I broke up. Especially my live-in partner. He never liked the idea of K and I dating (given that K really wanted me to be monogamous) and after seeing me so upset, he feels very uncomfortable about me hanging out with K. I understand this and why. But K is not some random mono dude I met. He is someone who has always been one of my favorite people - I told my live-in partner that years ago.

My partners express discomfort with me spending time with someone that I cried a lot over. I am having a hard time navigating this. My live-in partner is extremely uncomfortable, and that is what is bothering me the most. I don’t know what I can do or say to make him feel more safe/comfortable. When I ask about his discomfort, it’s typically because of how upset I was. “He made you so upset. It was really hard to see you that way”.

I feel guilty if I hang out with K - but I enjoy him so much. I’m not sure what to do.
 
I have to say, your post intrigues me because it's not some newbie post worrying about jealousy or some typical thing like that. Or someone who's come here confused thinking polyamory means hot FMF or MMF threesome sex. lol

Experienced poly people in long term multiple relationships can have problems too. But I guess since poly is so new, there are more newbies doing it than people who've been doing it for a decade or more.

I'm sorry you feel conflicted about dating this friend of yours. I'm sorry you and he had a different agenda. But I'm glad you stated your boundaries and he now seems to be OK with your current arrangement.

I do feel for your other partners, who saw you struggling in this relationship earlier on. I know they love you and feel protective of you. It really worried them to see you hurting and depressed to the point of not being able to get out of bed to go to work! They probably feel a bit betrayed too, since it sounds like they supported and counseled you through all that, but now you're going ahead and dating K anyway.

Here's my POV. As poly people, if one of our partners is actively dating, we have to sort of sit on the sidelines and watch it play out. We don't have veto power. We may not think our partner's choice of a new partner is right for them. We may think they deserve better. We may think they are asking for trouble. We may have all kinds of reservations. We also know, if we were right, and our partner's choice of a new person to date was not a good prospect, we will have to deal with the fallout, the pain, anger, tears, depression, etc.

I guess that just comes with the territory of being polyamorous. Lots of relationships don't work out. Most of us have to deal with watching our partner(s) go through painful breakups and gradually come out of their funks. Most of us have to sit by and watch our partners deal with other partners whom we see as flaky or annoying or sometimes even downright toxic.

It's hard to know what to tell you. It's understandable you feel guilty for resuming dating K, when your platonic friend, sister and other partners, especially your nesting partner, spent so much time seeing you upset and supporting you, when it first seemed like you and K wouldn't be able to work things out! Even your, I assume, poly-friendly therapist advised against this. It did seem unlikely that things would work out. K did seem to be trying to rope you off for himself, like a "cowboy," and that probably pissed off your other partners too.

Maybe you need to talk less about K to your other partners, and if things do end up going south again, keep your emotions more in check. Let them see that you're content now, and if/when it doesn't work out with K, take it more in stride, with an attitude of, "Well, we gave it a good shot, but you can't win them all."

Edit: you also said you were "talking constantly" to K in the earlier days of your situationship. This is a pet peeve of mine. No one should be "talking constantly," or "24/7" to a partner. You do have other responsibilities in life. Don't let NRE get you all carried away to the point of neglecting your other partners, family, platonic friends, household responsibilities, paid employment, self-care, etc. That's just not good adulting. And it is, of course, rude to sit next to your nesting partner at home and just be texting someone else non-stop. You're now spreading yourself thin with 4 partners. You yourself know this isn't quite... a wise choice. Be sure to seek balance.
 
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Best title of a thread I’ve seen in a very long time 😆👍.

you say you broke up after 4 months and it’s kind of assumed it’s because he wants more time or attention or status then you’re willing to give is that correct ? However the connection or love has left too big an imprint for both of you to ignore and things gradually going back. Is this the first time you’ve been that distraught or destroyed from a break up ? Is that the first time you got back involved with someone you had broken up with ?

From you nesting partners side of things if these are all atypical firsts that he’s seeing and having to live through it’s understandable he’s uncomfortable. It might not be as simple as him being the emotional tampon but him ranking your feeling / emotional connection relative to that of you and him. The greater the love the worse the sorrow kind of thing. That said that’s what he signed up for . to me it doesn’t sound like run away NRE it just sounds like watching you post break up was super difficult for him as well as for you.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. I mean all this kindly, ok? It may be hard to hear.

I feel guilty if I hang out with K - but I enjoy him so much. I’m not sure what to do.

If you feel guilty about ignoring people's advice, dating K, putting yourself and your friends and family through the wringer because you were falling to pieces over the break up with K only to get back together?

I think you could take more personal responsibility. And reassure them that when you break up with him again, you will hold it better together. And not leak all this stuff all over them.

Sounds like you and K are back together as FWB. If he still wants monogamy with someone, this implies another break up eventually. Because you cannot offer him monogamy.

You also sound like you kinda got caught up in NRE for K, and maybe neglected your other partners. Is that part of their upset? How are you balancing this many people now?

Here? You seem to acknowledge that yeah, you didn't listen to yourself, people in your support network, nor people outside it all saying it's not a good idea. You chose to go there anyway.

People I talked to about the sitution told me dating him would not be a good idea. My sister (who is the most important person to me), partners, even my therapist. I posted on the polyamory subreddit and was given really great advice. Did I listen? Of course not.

And are not listening again.

However, everyone around me - my sister, my partners - saw how devastated I was when K and I broke up. Especially my live-in partner. He never liked the idea of K and I dating (given that K really wanted me to be monogamous) and after seeing me so upset, he feels very uncomfortable about me hanging out with K.

Not being mean, ok?

You kinda start sounding like one of those people who go "I can't help myself!"

Or like "I know this is bad... but I loooooooove him!"

And are going about behaving reckless as though having strong feelings exempts you from taking personal responsibility for how your actions affect others.

We may not help what we feel. We do get to pick how we behave.

I took the break up very hard. I am not sure I have been in that much pain since my dad passed away.

I was so distraught and hurting that I wasn’t functional - missed work, cried in bed.

This is a lot.

When the next break up comes... How will you manage it better than the first time?

It seems your partners and friends are concerned about that, as well as this one partner being worried about the "ripple effect" in particular and how it will affect HIM and his mental health/emotional health. Because watching you struggle so bad the first time was very hard for him.

You could ask if he needs reassurance you won't fall to pieces like that again. And if you do, you won't lean so hard on him. You will see a counselor or other seek or methods of self care. You will behave differently.

So if you enjoy K's company? And things have been sorted so you CAN really be peaceful FWB for a time? It isn't just you avoiding breaking up grief? One of those back and forth or dragged out break up things?

Accept this emotional whiplash was tough on others. Agree with them that it was a lot, you appreciate them trying to see you through it and support you still even though it was hard on them.

Give it more time. Accept they are gonna give you and your relationship with K the side eye, worried if some new drama will explode and splash them again.

Behave differently. Get it more together. Take personal responsibility for your choices, exercise better personal boundaries.

Hopefully they see things have stabilized and they can relax.

And when the final break up comes when he finds someone he wants to do monogamy with? Don't fall all to pieces like that again.

Seek some balance in how you are living your life -- it cannot be all roller coaster up and down and up and down and up and down. YKWIM?
 
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Hello osamenor,

From what I've read (your description), K sounds like a really great guy, sure you have had some ups and downs with him, but (I think) you should keep seeing him. Other people just don't understand. Sure you broke up, but you got back together with him, and things were better than ever. Don't let other people tell you what to do. Follow your heart.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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