A quandary

[Nyx]

I have a friend whom I have known for six years, and over that time, we have had several run-ins where we made out, did a little petting, but nothing overtly sexual. Aside from that, we are great friends and really care about each other. He and I have both stated our attraction/interest, but for one reason or another it never progressed further than that.

So tonight, I was at a BBQ at his house and he had his new gf there. I was suddenly sad and a little jealous. See, I am dating my bf who is poly, and this is all new to me. I know that I can date other men, but I have no idea how this man, who has been my friend for so long, could possibly be one of those on the "ok to date" list.

So I have to ask you experienced poly folk out there: how the heck does one broach the subject of dating multiple people?

This friend of mine knows my situation with my bf, i.e., we have briefly talked about dating multiple people (not us specifically) and he basically said that he could be ok with it, but couldn't really imagine what it would be like.

I waited too long to approach this friend about possibly being my second. I was unsure of my own motivations and desires. But now that I feel ready to find a second person, he is not "available."

Should I approach him anyway? I know he wouldn't be mad at me, but I fear that his gf would get upset and make trouble. How do you guys deal with this sort of thing? Maybe I should just avoid approaching him at all?

I just feel frustrated, because I have also tried some dating websites, but as soon as the guys discover I have a bf, they stop responding.

 

[Mark1npt]

I am curious about the long history you've had with this guy, making out, but never really hooking up. Either it's not right for you two, or...? Is there a chance he and his new gf are poly? Maybe you can still approach him? Why are you suddenly sad after all these years? Haven't you each dated others during that time? I'm confused.

 

[Rarechild]

Unrequited crush

I understand what it is to have a long-standing crush on someone who is a good friend, and the timing never seems to be right. This is one of the very things that made poly make sense to me-- the existence of such connections in my life that I never got to pursue because I wasn't "allowed to" before.

I am also new to poly, and have yet to make a move on anyone outside my primary relationship, so I don't have any solid advice to share, but I can relate. I think, as I re-orient myself with the concept that I am free to date others, that it's going to be hard not to just look around and choose people. I think this has to happen organically.

If you feel comfortable enough (after all, you said he was a good friend and wouldn't take offense), talk to him about your feelings privately. (It is up to him to talk to his gf or not, depending on his feelings.) Trust him to respond with what is best for him. I know poly isn't going to be for everyone, but weren't you surprised when you found this way of being? Weren't you intrigued and excited? Maybe he would be too. If not, hopefully your friendship is strong enough that it won't make things uncomfortable.

 

[Nyx]

I'm curious about history you've had with this guy, making out but never really hooking up. Either it's not right for you two, or...? Is there a chance he and his new are poly? Maybe you can still approach him. Why are you suddenly sad after all these years? Haven't you each dated others during that time? I'm confused.

I don't know what's confusing you.

We first started admitting to each other we were attracted about two years ago, and that was when we first started being physical. It only happened once, though. I'm not really sure why things never progressed... I think because I wanted to take my time and didn't want to risk our friendship by taking things too far. We each ended up getting into different relationships, in the meantime. We never seem to be single at the same time.

It has just been in the last few weeks that I have really opened up to being poly. And now that I have this possibility open to me, I am not sure if it is open to him.

I thought about it more last night after I posted. I am actually really glad for him, not sad. This girl he is with is perfect for him. They love to go to metal concerts together and have been to several in the last month. This is something I would never want to do.

I think I'll let this one go. I don't want to interfere in their happiness.

All this aside, what I really wanted to know was, how does one go about seeking other partners? It seems like most people are really hesitant to get involved with someone who is "taken." I live in a very small community and I have encountered only two other people who are poly - one of whom my bf is dating and the other recently got married into a mono relationship. I guess she gave up being poly, for some reason.

 

[Fidelia]

He's your friend. Talk to him. Approach him with respect and concern for everyone involved, but make your feelings known.

 

[redpepper]

I started out dating a million people I met online, all men. Most of the women I met didn't show up, or backed out. One became a lover and now is just a friend.

I met my bf Mono online. He was looking for a casual one-night stand, and was very carefully pursuing me. He managed to pursue others in the meantime, I assume because I wasn't willing to just come over and fuck him. Hmm... actually I don't know why that was, maybe the timing was wrong. (He will respond, I'm sure.)

In the meantime, we chatted on a dating site, and then finally got together for coffee. It was love at first sight, really. I knew it would all be different with him the moment he opened his mouth.

Now it's a bit different. I've gotten involved in the local poly community. I'm sure that if I were in the market for another man, I would find one there. I am looking for a woman partner and seem to be making a tad bit of headway on that.

In a small town, that would be difficult, I'm sure. I feel for you. I grew up in a small town and I now would not survive it, at all.

You could tell him that you are glad he has his new girlfriend because she likes metal concerts and you don't. That is why poly is so great. You can have different partners to do different things with. You could mention that you were disappointed at first to see him with his new gf, because you thought you had missed your chance again. But now you are wondering if you really have missed your chance, and that you are interested in trying out poly with him, if he and she are into it. If they aren't, then that's okay, too.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

He was looking for a casual one-night stand and was very carefully pursuing me. He managed to pursue others, in the meantime, I assume because I wasn't willing to just come over and fuck him. Hmm... actually, I don't know why that was. Maybe the timing was wrong.

I knew that I would find something more in you, and didn't feel I had anything to offer you because of my past. I didn't want to get into a relationship with someone and hurt them because of my history. Simple and plain.

And yeah... you wanted to fuck me.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Should I approach him anyway? I know he wouldn't be mad at me, but I fear that his gf would get upset and make trouble. How do you guys deal with this sort of thing? Maybe I should just avoid approaching him at all.

My recommendation is, if they seem happy, leave them alone. The idea that his girlfriend would "make trouble" almost seems as though you feel this reaction to your propositioning her boyfriend would be illogical and immature. Why confuse what might be a very happy situation because you want something? How would most people react to someone "privately" approaching their lover with this type of offer?

I'm sorry if I seem harsh. But I think if he were interested in you, he would approach you.

 

[redpepper]

I knew that I would find something more in you, and didn't feel I had anything to offer you because of my past. I didn't want to get into a relationship with someone and hurt them because of my history. Simple and plain. And yeah... you wanted to fuck me.

Yeah, I did when I saw you. Not when we were chatting, though. You sent that grumpy-looking picture of yourself, too! I was totally sure that you were a lost cause, until you messaged me while you were drunk and were totally honest about thinking that we could actually mean something to one another. That totally won me over, and I thought you actually had depth. I didn't see that before... Then you messaged me later and apologized! I thought that was very sweet, and couldn't believe that you would apologize for something so honest and real! I get no apologies from guys who wrote, said I looked hot, and told me their cock sizes. So much depth in that!

OP, I don't have any problem with you asking for what you want, but with the attitude that you would still be his friend if it isn't meant to be. Then, of course, you would have to live up to that. Otherwise, leave them alone and wait.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

I don't have any problem with you asking for what you want, but with the attitude that you will still be his friend even if it isn't meant to be.... then of course you would have to live up to that! Otherwise, leave them alone and wait.

I'm sorry, I believe putting the happiness and honoring what his gf has is more important then her own needs. Think about how the gf might feel if her relationship is cut short because of this. Maybe they won't last forever, but why be the catalyst that leads to ending her happiness prematurely? Just my opinion.

 

[Quath]

I got no apology from the guys who wrote and said I looked hot and gave me their cock sizes.

Damn! So that is what I have been doing wrong!? Next thing you know, you will be saying I should not immediately send pictures of my hard-on as an introduction!

Maybe they won't last forever, but why be the catalyst that leads to ending her happiness prematurely?

She will not be stealing him away from her, so it doesn't have to lead to the end of their relationship. As long as people are making fully-informed decisions, I don't see a need for it to end a relationship.

If the guy is interested in poly, it may be better for his relationship with his gf to find out now, rather than later.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

She will not be stealing him away from her. So it doesn't have to lead to the end of their relationship. As long as people are making fully informed decisions, I don't see a need for it to end a relationship.

If the guy is interested in poly, it may be better for his relatonship with his gf to find out now rather than later.

What she may be doing is injecting something that may sever this guy's girlfriend's ability to connect with him. This is not active "stealing," but could prematurely end what they have without them fully getting a chance to see where their relationship could have gone.

Putting her own wants above his girlfriend's is a selfish act, IMO. If poly is all about loving people, than I don't see how this could be considered an act of polyamory, in all good faith. It sounds like more of a capitalistic approach to seeking relationships, with the mindset of, "as long as my needs are met," then life is good.

If he is poly and interested in her, he will risk the relationship and put that question forward. It is not up to her to push the issue, IMO. Be patient and see where their relationship is heading, is my advice.

 

[DestinyWaits]

I'm going to offer something from another approach here. I have often believed that friends are friends, no matter what. Can't she still talk to the guy? What's wrong with letting him know she thinks the gf is great for him, and telling him that she's always care about him, and still maybe slipping the whole poly thing into the conversation somehow? I'm not talking about out-and-out telling him she wants a relationship with him, but just suggesting the lifestyle and seeing what he thinks. People talk about sex with their friends all the time. If he thinks it's a good thing, then make the approach, but with the truth thing-- no cheating on the gf; she has to know. I don't know... I think it could work.

 

[redpepper]

What if they are missing out on the best relationship ever by not talking to each other truthfully? The gf will either be into it or not. Why wait until she is really into the guy to find out that he is poly and wants to add Nyx?

It's tricky, for sure. I'm not sure either is the right answer. I think you will just have to go with your gut, Nyx, as you may have already decided to do. It might not be worth pursuing at all if the love isn't really there, just the lust for experience and to get this guy in bed. It's up to you, really. I see no right answer.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Of course I wouldn't want their friendship to end. I just encourage a level of respect towards the girlfriend's well-being, regardless if she knows her or not.

I had an affair with a married woman. My biggest regret is that I harmed what her husband had with her without him ever knowing it. I didn't harm what she had with him. She did that.

I am not equating this situation to cheating, by any means, but consider patience to be displaying respect to what him and his girlfriend are growing. Give that plant some time to grow and see what comes of it. Be the best friend you can be in this, and who knows?

 

[XYZ123]

If you've already told him you're poly, then he knows. If you've already expressed interest in each other, he knows. There isn't any reason you can't continue to be friends and talk honestly. But maybe don't proposition him to "join the lifestyle." If you continue to discuss your poly-ness, he may come about and say, "What about me?"

In the meantime, he has a gf he is happy with. Approaching him with what could seem an offer to cheating on her (perhaps, in her eyes) may seriously damage their relationship and your friendship. If they are truly happy and mono, he may tell her, as he probably should in the interest of honesty, of your approach. Then you might forever seem a threat to her. Even being poly myself, I would be angered by a woman approaching my husband behind my back. It would definitely cause some harsh words, if not the death of their friendship, because I wouldn't feel able to trust her with him.

 

[Nyx]

This has turned into a really great thread and I am appreciating all the feedback. Everyone has their valid points.

I feel honestly that my friend seems like a one-woman kinda man. Even though I know he has still has feelings for me, I wouldn't want to put him in a position where he felt he had to choose. I highly doubt that he would entertain the notion of two girlfriends. What he has with this new gf seems rather serious, though sudden. They spend all their time together, really.

I honestly couldn't give him much time, maybe a day or two out of each month, and I have a feeling that I would really be out of line in his gf's eyes. Of course, I would not want to hide anything. That seems sleazy and... yeah, like I'm trying to steal him. I'm not that kind of person at all. I would spit fire if someone tried to steal my man behind my back.

I think I'm gonna bow out, keep him as my friend, and leave things where they sit. I know we care about each other and that's all I need. I am truly happy for him. He's been needing a nice girl for a long time. The last few have been psycho.