About Polyamory.com

River

New member
I hope this is not an intrusive additional thread. I simply didn't know where I could post a comment about the Polyamory.com which would be sure to reach everyone who would (should?) be interested. In any case, it seemed like we needed a place to talk with one another about these fora themselves.

I wanted, in particular, to mention the section of fora under the heading, Dating & Friendships. There seems to me to be a problem with it which could perhaps readily be solved. Here's the problem, as I see it. If you take for example the North America section, you will find that very many, probably most, of the threads in that section do not mention place names in their titles. To find out where in North America these posting come from, one has to click and read that thread. Other threads do include place names, either cities or states, etc., but these are multiple in a very, very long list of such posts. It would take a long while to even determine how many folks are posting from Colorado, for example, or Denver.

My proposal would be to pin one each of threads with a simple state or province name to the top of this forum -- ideally in alphabetical order. Large cities such as New York or Las Angeles could have their own pinned threads under states and provinces.

By making this section more orderly--and thus useful--in this simple manner, it would likely receive more use.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
I am thinking it would be hard to list the threads in alphabetical order, but I might be wrong.
 

ref2018

Bastard of Young
Staff member
It seems like people go to that part of the forum to post, but not so much to read the posts that are already there. It's like a one-way street. The people who read those posts the most are people like us, who post in the rest of the site. It's ironic because here is where real-life relationships actually do form sometimes. But you have to be disposed to stick around and put some effort into you know, relating to people as though there are real human beings somewhere in there.
 

Emm

Stealth Mod
I believe the original intent of the Dating & Friendships area was to keep drive-by personal ads from popping up all over the place and to act as a unicorn hunter containment zone. Actually hooking people up with each other was at best a tertiary consideration.
 

River

New member
I'm thinking that section is not used enough to bother with it.

In my opinion, it's not used much because it is basically not usable. Real life relationships are geographically based. It could take a long time to find the posts there from any given town or city.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
I believe the original intent of the Dating & Friendships area was to keep drive-by personal ads from popping up all over the place and to act as a unicorn hunter containment zone. Actually hooking people up with each other was at best a tertiary consideration.

I'm glad to hear this explanation because that section is (to me) pretty skeevy - or a mild amusement, to be charitable. The beauty of this forum is that we're an online community, not a hookup site, and that to get much out of this place, a person really needs to have a basic interest in the actual people who regularly post here. It's obvious that the people who stick around and participate are the ones who are enriched by this place. Ref2018 is right that IRL relationships/friendships can evolve out of the online interaction, but only when they involve actual participants in the discussions. If ran the world, that section would get the Red Button.
 

River

New member
I'm glad to hear this explanation because that section is (to me) pretty skeevy - or a mild amusement, to be charitable. The beauty of this forum is that we're an online community, not a hookup site, and that to get much out of this place, a person really needs to have a basic interest in the actual people who regularly post here. It's obvious that the people who stick around and participate are the ones who are enriched by this place. Ref2018 is right that IRL relationships/friendships can evolve out of the online interaction, but only when they involve actual participants in the discussions. If ran the world, that section would get the Red Button.

The folks who participate in the main discussion areas are literally from all over the world. For this reason, it's very unlikely that we're going to meet folks from our own neck of the woods in there. Some of us live in small cities in sparsely populated states where poly folk are as rare as a two-headed whip-poor-will. You can't blame us for wanting to improve our odds of connecting with poly-friendly folk.
 

River

New member
It seems like people go to that part of the forum to post, but not so much to read the posts that are already there.

That's because it is designed to fail. It's design is so user-unfriendly that it deserves FallenAngelina's Big Red Button treatment.

If you took the Encyclopaedia Britannica and tore out all of the pages, then thoroughly randomized those pages and glued them back into the bindings ... that's how that place is designed. That's why no one reads there.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
That's why no one reads there.

No - no-one reads there because this isn't a hookup site and that's the level of all those "discussions." Most of the people who start threads there don't say boo in the active sections of this place and it's clear that they're looking for partners only, not to contribute or be part of anything here. "Loving couple looking for our third" is not really the point of this forum - in my opinion. There's a perfectly good place for that and it's called OKCupid. This is a place for ongoing, community discussion, not for finding sex/love partners, although if it happens naturally out of the discussions, then wonderful. You can re-arrange the furniture in that section all you want, but it will always be a ghost town because the people who start those threads are all just passing by - and thankfully so.
 
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River

New member
No - no-one reads there because this isn't a hookup site and that's the level of all those "discussions." Most of the people who start threads there don't say boo in the active sections of this place and it's clear that they're looking for partners only, not to contribute or be part of anything here. "Loving couple looking for our third" is not really the point of this forum - in my opinion. There's a perfectly good place for that and it's called OKCupid. This is a place for ongoing, community discussion, not for finding sex/love partners, although if it happens naturally out of the discussions, then wonderful. You can re-arrange the furniture in that section all you want, but it will always be a ghost town because the people who start those threads are all just passing by - and thankfully so.

What you say there, FA, is true.


But it is a half truth, not a full truth.


It's half false, roughly.


Maybe it's even more than half true, but it isn't the full truth. :p


Part of the falsity in it is that you fail to take into account people like myself, who live in small towns or small cities in relatively remote places, far from where there is much opportunity to experience face-to-face poly community. We're not looking for hook ups and such. We're partly simply looking for people who can relate with us in a certain kind of kindred way. I'd love to have some FRIENDS, face-to-face, who don't assume I'm from an alien planet or that I'm simply "immoral".
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
OK, fair enough, River, so let me ask you - why are you not on OKCupid? I met many great people on there - two of which are people I did not date but have become really good friends for me. I can't see those stupid "looking for" threads here working for anyone to create any kind of meaningful dialogue, but OKCupid is all set up for starting friendships and relationships that really do lead to something. OKCupid takes a lot of ribbing here, but it really does work if you work it.

And BTW, I live in suburban New York packed in with millions of other people, but have very little face to face poly community. Why do you think I'm here every day? :p
 
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River

New member

opalescent

Active member
II would have to weigh in to say for sure but here is my take on why that section isn't organized better.

I believe that the structure of polyamory.com is not very flexible in terms of changing how things are organized in sections. It's an off the shelf product that isn't open to much customization. It might be possible to do what you suggest, River, but it would cost money, time and effort on the part of the owner. And given it's a free site, that's not very likely.

But I could be wrong. That's just my impression after years of reading and interacting here.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I believe the original intent of the Dating & Friendships area was to keep drive-by personal ads from popping up all over the place and to act as a unicorn hunter containment zone. Actually hooking people up with each other was at best a tertiary consideration.

That's all it is. No amount of wishing is going to change this board to a dating site.

I have a page there. Nothing has come of it.

You have to "work it." You need a great profile, attractive smiling pix, answer a lot of questions (and remark on some of the answers, not just click on yes or no), and you need an engaging, interesting, charming, humorous, witty, and not needy way of messaging.

Some men do make it work. If you live in an isolated or conservative area, you will need to travel to meet people. Or move.

Also, Fetlife is a good place for finding friends. One guy I am seeing says he gets LOTS of offers there to make friends and be lovers. He has a great profile. He doesn't even have any pix of his face, but his profile is very interesting and intriguing. He can even pick and choose from offers. And he lives in a sort of backwater town. (I feel flattered he messaged me first.) Even if you're not wildly kinky, it's still a useful place.
 

Emm

Stealth Mod
I suspect the reason nobody's put any effort into building a working dating area is that this isn't intended to be a dating site. (edit: What Magdlyn said)

It's like complaining that you can't get decent hot pancakes at the supermarket. There's entire shelves full of food, but nobody's selling pancakes (unless you count the 3-day old pre-packaged frisbees in the bread isle). People often wander in thinking they're at the pancake parlour next door, and often won't take no for an answer when they try to place an order. Management could rebuild to include a pancake kitchen and seating area, but they're a supermarket, and pancakes aren't what they're there for.

Edit again: Yes, it is past my bedtime, but now I want pancakes.
 
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River

New member
This pancake / supermarket analogy seems to be designed to ridicule, as if my suggestion was ridiculous. BUT there IS an existing "Dating & Friendships" sub-forum at www.polyamory.com . It is a piece of crap, as all agree. It is so poorly designed that it is (apparently deliberately) designed to fail.

I pointed this fact out, suggesting that it should be improved rather than deleted.

I then got ridiculed and dismissed.

Why don't we just dump the whole section in the trash, then? It's crap, and yet it is built right into the front page. It does not reflect well on www.polyamory.com .

Oh, and, by the way, I never SUGGESTED that www.polyamory.com become a "dating site". That was a straw man launched at me quite undeservedly. I was simply wanting to connect with other poly-folk in a face-to-face context. Folks quite wrongly thought I wanted some kind of "skeevy" dating site. Sheesh.

Dump it. It's crap.

Or improve it.


By the way, participation at www.polyamory.com seems to have dropped off by about half to two thirds since I dropped out a while back on account of being verbally abused by a certain rather overly self-assured blowhard many, many moons back. I'd guess the participation level is closer to one third of what it was before.

Success, of course, cannot be measured only in such numbers, but it does give reason for a reflective pause.
 
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River

New member
Pancakes ... really old and moldy pancakes

The makers of poorly conceived analogies should pause and reflect before deliberately intending to ridicule people.

If the supermarket has a big sign out front saying "Groceries and Pancakes Here!" one would expect to find pancakes inside, as well as basic groceries.

If you don't want folks to come in expecting to find freshly cooked pancakes, take down part of the sign with the false promise of pancakes.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
Oh, and, by the way, I never SUGGESTED that www.polyamory.com become a "dating site". That was a straw man launched at me quite undeservedly. I was simply wanting to connect with other poly-folk in a face-to-face context. Folks quite wrongly thought I wanted some kind of "skeevy" dating site. .

I won't take on the rest of your post, River, but to this I'll say that none of the comments about this not being a dating site were made to disparage you. I can assure you that I did not have you in mind when I wrote mine, I was writing my assessment of this forum. I also don't perceive ridicule - just disagreement. I also still think that if you are really looking for in-person poly community, then OKC is by far your best bet, not this forum. If your present profile page isn't working for you, perhaps we can help you craft one that will do a much better job. We've been awfully helpful with insightful and constructive suggestions for others in the past. Serious offer - let us know.
 

Emm

Stealth Mod
This pancake / supermarket analogy seems to be designed to ridicule, as if my suggestion was ridiculous. BUT there IS an existing "Dating & Friendships" sub-forum at www.polyamory.com . It is a piece of crap, as all agree. It is so poorly designed that it is (apparently deliberately) designed to fail.

I pointed this fact out, suggesting that it should be improved rather than deleted.

I then got ridiculed and dismissed.Why don't we just dump the whole section in the trash, then? It's crap, and yet it is built right into the front page. It does not reflect well on www.polyamory.com .
Because without somewhere obvious for people to post their "looking for our third" ads, they'll end up all over the rest of the site.

Oh, and, by the way, I never SUGGESTED that www.polyamory.com become a "dating site". That was a straw man launched at me quite undeservedly. I was simply wanting to connect with other poly-folk in a face-to-face context. Folks quite wrongly thought I wanted some kind of "skeevy" dating site. Sheesh.
The idea that we should try to turn into OkCupid is ridiculous. You didn't suggest it, but you have to admit it's what our constant trickle of one-off "looking for" posters seem to believe.

Dump it. It's crap.
That just spreads the problem over a larger area.

Or improve it.
Without spending a lot of money any change would be such an incremental improvement that it might as well not happen. If you want face-to-face connections, the Meetings and Events section might be useful to you.
 
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