Abused in Polyamory and Trying to Move On

[WitchyJo]

Hey Everyone,

So I broke up with my now ex-wife and my ex-girlfriend a little over a year ago. I was with my ex-wife for ten years and my ex-girlfriend for four years. The three of us were in a triad configuration.

My ex-girlfriend was abusive to me sexually and when I told my ex-wife, she defended my ex-girlfriend's actions and took her side. I knew that I had been abused, but she made me feel like I was crazy or that it was somehow my fault. It also seemed like they they were working against me. I was doing all the cooking and cleaning and working full time. They would yell at me daily for things that I had no idea could upset anyone. I was walking on egg-shells all the time and I felt like they were trying to push me out of the relationship. I have since been diagnosed with complex PTSD due to the years of sexual and psychological abuse.

The weird thing is that my ex-wife and I had a fabulous relationship before we had met our ex-girlfriend. We had been swingers for about 4 years before we met her and we never had any issues when we were swinging. I am now in a relationship with a wonderful man who is kind, considerate, and gentle. We have been swinging together and we have started to get close with one of our ongoing sexual partners. She is so kind, respectful of boundaries, fun, and just a all around good person. She is also Poly. We are both feeling like she is developing feelings for us and the both of us are for her, but because of my past experiences I get enormously fearful of re-entering into a poly relationship.

I know that there is nothing wrong with polyamory in and of itself, it was more the people I was with were being really shitty. Intellectually I understand this, but every time I think of it, I get intensely fearful and I am afraid of my partners becoming abusive and being in a position where I have to start over again (my wife ended up getting the house and pretty much all of our financial assets). I have talked to my partner about this and he is super supportive of whatever I decide to do. What do you guys think? Should we break things off with her, see where things go, or what?

 

[Evie]

Are you in therapy or equivalent for the cptsd? Unless you are working on that I'd say steer clear of a poly relationship or you're likely to do some harm to this new girl simply in the wake of your previous experience.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm sorry you ended up with a C-PTSD dx. Do you have a patient management plan in place? Are you doing it? (Whatever it is -- therapy, anxiety meds, etc.)

We are both feeling like she is developing feelings for us and the both of us are for her, but because of my past experiences I get enormously fearful of re-entering into a poly relationship.

So... don't enter one. Keep it simpler on yourself. Just a plain "No, not at this time." Could leave it alone. You are not obligated to turn it into anything more than what it is.

every time I think of it, I get intensely fearful and I am afraid of my partners becoming abusive and being in a position where I have to start over again (my wife ended up getting the house and pretty much all of our financial assets).

Do you have a "fuck off" fund? Money in your OWN name, where if you HAD to start over, you aren't left in the cold like last time? Then maybe you can relax on that front some?

Like... "OK, fine. Starting over is a drag. But I have my own money to get a hotel, and then pick out a nice new flat and get on with my life. I don't HAVE to put up with anyone being mean and abusive to me just to avoid being homeless. I can just GTFO and go make my own home."

I have talked to my partner about this and he is super supportive of whatever I decide to do.

That's good.

What do you guys think? Should we break things off with her, see where things go, or what?

Well... You sound like you enjoy what you have. So why change anything about it right now?

Could leave it as a (swinging relationship + friendship) you enjoy.

You don't have to turn it into a poly thing right now. Or ever!

And if you did later on? It doesn't have to be a triad model. It could be a V.

Don't put pressure on yourself to do something or be something you are not ready for right now.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello WitchyJo,

I think maybe you are struggling to trust yourself, to trust your own judgment, after the last terrible experience you had with polyamory. Everything was fine with your ex-wife before you became poly with her; then, after you became poly with her (and your ex-girlfriend), everything went to hell. I can see how you would associate that with poly; although, I am inclined to think that your ex-girlfriend was the real problem. Things went to hell after you got involved with your ex-girlfriend, right? Your ex-girlfriend turned your ex-wife against you. Although, I suppose, if there had been no poly, there would have been no ex-girlfriend.

I'm so sorry poly treated you so bad the first time around. I can understand why you would not trust poly now, and maybe you feel like you never want to be poly again. In spite of it all, I hope you'll still be willing to give poly another chance. Your new ongoing sexual partner sounds like a truly good person, I would encourage you to continue to explore the budding relationship with her. At the same time, I would encourage you to get help for your C-PTSD. Can you get a therapist, possibly medication, to help you cope? or maybe you already have a therapist? If so, that is good.

Hopefully this thread is helpful to you so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[WitchyJo]

Replies

Are you in therapy or equivalent for the cptsd? Unless you are working on that I'd say steer clear of a poly relationship or you're likely to do some harm to this new girl simply in the wake of your previous experience.

I was in therapy, but I am no longer in therapy due to being no longer able to afford co-pays for my sessions. So now I am just on medications for now.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm sorry you ended up with a C-PTSD dx. Do you have a patient management plan in place? Are you doing it? (Whatever it is -- therapy, anxiety meds, etc.)


Do you have a "fuck off" fund? Money in your OWN name, where if you HAD to start over, you aren't left in the cold like last time? Then maybe you can relax on that front some?

Like... "OK, fine. Starting over is a drag. But I have my own money to get a hotel, and then pick out a nice new flat and get on with my life. I don't HAVE to put up with anyone being mean and abusive to me just to avoid being homeless. I can just GTFO and go make my own home."

Galagirl

I was in EMDR therapy and taking medications, but I am down to just medications due to finances. I can't really save right now, I am living paycheck to paycheck and frankly wouldn't be able to pay all the bills if it wasn't for the fact that my partner and I live together. I lost all of my savings, my house, most of my things and was just left with my car, clothes, and artwork.

Luckily my current partner isn't mistreating me, but living on my own at the moment isn't really an option. I will probably just keep things as they are and not add another layer of complexity to my chaotic life.

Hello WitchyJo,

I think maybe you are struggling to trust yourself, to trust your own judgment, after the last terrible experience you had with polyamory. Everything was fine with your ex-wife before you became poly with her; then, after you became poly with her (and your ex-girlfriend), everything went to hell. I can see how you would associate that with poly; although, I am inclined to think that your ex-girlfriend was the real problem. Things went to hell after you got involved with your ex-girlfriend, right? Your ex-girlfriend turned your ex-wife against you. Although, I suppose, if there had been no poly, there would have been no ex-girlfriend.

I'm so sorry poly treated you so bad the first time around. I can understand why you would not trust poly now, and maybe you feel like you never want to be poly again. In spite of it all, I hope you'll still be willing to give poly another chance. Your new ongoing sexual partner sounds like a truly good person, I would encourage you to continue to explore the budding relationship with her. At the same time, I would encourage you to get help for your C-PTSD. Can you get a therapist, possibly medication, to help you cope? or maybe you already have a therapist? If so, that is good.

Hopefully this thread is helpful to you so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

I understand on an intellectual level that polyamory isn't at fault, it is just that thoughts of polyamory put me in panic/anxiety mode due to past experiences. I don't know if I will ever get to a place where I could venture back into polyamory.

 

[Magdlyn]

...I can't really save right now, I am living paycheck to paycheck and frankly wouldn't be able to pay all the bills if it wasn't for the fact that my partner and I live together. I lost all of my savings, my house, most of my things and was just left with my car, clothes, and artwork.

Luckily my current partner isn't mistreating me, but living on my own at the moment isn't really an option. I will probably just keep things as they are and not add another layer of complexity to my chaotic life.



I understand on an intellectual level that polyamory isn't at fault, it is just that thoughts of polyamory put me in panic/anxiety mode due to past experiences. I don't know if I will ever get to a place where I could venture back into polyamory.

Your body is your own. You are the master of yourself. If deepening a relationship with a sex partner other than your main partner causes you to panic-- DON'T DO IT.

Keep it simple. You don't need to have sex with her or even be friends with her at all, if it seems triggering! Take your time. Enjoy your bf. Work at your job. Pay off debts and start saving. Respect your own priorities. Being "poly" in any way is just a bonus, not a need. Don't let anyone pressure you.