Advice for a V

A

AKgirl12

New member
I am in a new poly relationship, which has the dynamic of a V. I am with a husband and wife that have been together for more than 10 years. At the beginning, the husband (my boyfriend) was way more into it than the wife, but she was still open to trying it. It's been almost a year now, and the more time that goes by, the more she hates it and dislikes me. This is a relatively new relationship, but we have told each other we love each other and we've been practically living together for months now. We talk about our future and we plan our life and we are really committed.. but the wife just hates it more and more. She doesn't want me alone with him and she doesn't want me in their room but she also doesn't want him alone with me. She told me the other day that she can't compete with me and the only reason she goes with this relationship is to keep her marriage.

I truly don't know what to do. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone and I care about the family and the future we are creating so much. We connect on 10,000 different levels and I know a lot of this could be NRE, but we've had our huge fights too.. and we've always come out stronger. I just don't know how to get the wife to be more on board with this. He says he won't leave me, no matter how she feels, but he's also not going to leave her.
 
It sounds like a hard situation to be in. I don't think it's your job to do anything. These issues are hers and your shared partners, it's their relationship to fix. As for you getting the wife more on board, you can't. All you can do is focus on *your* relationship.

Having said that though, why are you practically living with someone that actively hates the situation? Admittedly if she isn't happy with you in her space that's on her to discuss, but I imagine it would put more strain on an already stressful situation.
 
I don't think you can force anyone in poly to like a partners other partner. And why should one partner of a person like another partner anymore than any other random person, just because they have a shared love. Ok, they probably have some shared interests and values etc but still not sure that's enough.

While my wife Angel has never actively disliked any partner she does wonder what I "see" in some of them and vice versa for me. We have been fine when our partners have stayed at our house or gone on holiday with us...but all living together...not sure that would work.

I think living together would only work if all 3 got on really well or were a triad not just because of a V.
 
Be respectful of the wife and get the heck out of her space.

She doesn't like you and has no safe space in her life.

Get your own place. Your shared partner can travel between two different homes. I do it. And work a full time job.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Wife doesn't want to participate here. For whatever reason, even though the husband moved in his GF too fast (you) and prefers GF (you) to her, she still wants to cling to the marriage.

I just don't know how to get the wife to be more on board with this.
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Don't talk her into things she does not want. Be respectful and accept that is where she stands. She doesn't want to be doing it, and she doesn't like it all up in her face.

Could apologize for moving in so fast. Then I suggest you move out. Be in your own space. He can see you there.

He says he won't leave me, no matter how she feels but he's also not going to leave her.
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She HATES this and is miserable. This is NOT a consenting V. I think you know that.

He won't end things with her to free her from suffering? How is this loving behavior toward her? How is this behavior you can respect and admire in him? Should there come a time where YOU are suffering greatly... he's gonna expect you to just lump it to? It doesn't sound very compassionate.

I think you could move out. See him separately.

Time will tell if he changes his mind about straightening up the rest of his life or not. You can decide later if you still want to keep participating in this non-consenting V from separate homes. For sure do not keep doing it from living in the same space!

Or you could just decide now. Could tell him "I love you. But I don't want to be in a non-consenting V. Look me up when you are free of this marriage."

And let him decide how where and how he wants to be participating. YOU decide where and how YOU want to be participating.


Galagirl
 
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Hello AKgirl12,

I am wondering whether you have spent any time with the wife one-on-one ... just doing fun things together. If she would want to do anything like that, maybe it would help her feel less antagonistic towards you. Other than that, I think I agree with the others, don't live at her house, stay at your own place and see him at your own place. She is probably missing having her own space, her own "safe space."

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
zigzag said:
I don't think you can force anyone in poly to like a partners other partner. And why should one partner of a person like another partner anymore than any other random person, just because they have a shared love. Ok, they probably have some shared interests and values etc but still not sure that's enough.

While my wife Angel has never actively disliked any partner she does wonder what I "see" in some of them and vice versa for me. We have been fine when our partners have stayed at our house or gone on holiday with us...but all living together...not sure that would work.

I think living together would only work if all 3 got on really well or were a triad not just because of a V.
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Triads are really tricky - I don't know that cohabitating would be any easier than for a V.

There are a number of us cohabitating V's on these boards, and it certainly does require that everyone get along very well - and probably have a preference for "kitchen table" style poly in the first place. It certainly sounds as though Wife in this scenario is not keen on sharing her kitchen table (or anything else for that matter). Perhaps a more "parallel poly" set-up would suit better.

It seems that most of the cohabitating V's on these boards are MFM V's - in our society we tend to think of men as being more "territorial" but it makes me wonder if women tend to have more of a "nesting" issue. I know that I am really not comfortable having anyone I am not really close to in my nest (but I am a raging introvert so...:rolleyes:)
 
AKgirl12 said:
I care about the family and the future we are creating so much.
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Who is the “family” and who are the “we” here? Are there children in this family?

Are you including the wife as part of the family being created? If she’s hating it more and more, how can you say you’re creating a family and future together? Or do you mean that, despite her resistance, you and he are “creating” something that is your shared vision, but not hers? :confused:

I would guess you don’t mean to come across this way, but I don’t see you caring much about the wife — you’re asking how to get her on board, because that’s the only way to get her out of your way if...
He says he won't leave me, no matter how she feels, but he's also not going to leave her.
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Changing how the wife feels is not in your power. Making him leave her is not in your power. You CAN choose not to be a part of this mess that is obviously hurting someone. Walking away will hurt. But if none of you grows the ovaries to do it, the hurt is gonna be daily and define your “family.” Who wants that?

At the VERY least, you can stop invading the homespace of a person who doesn’t want you around. Why do you want to be in her home if you’re not welcome?

I ask again, are there kids involved? If not, then keep it that way. Grown-ups ultimately have the agency to walk away, but kids can’t divorce the family. If there are already kids involved, and both parents live there, additional adults in the home need to be accepted (not just tolerated) by both parents.
 
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