Advice.."My wife doesn't feel THAT way about me"

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poobah123

New member
My wife Sarah told me, "I don't feel THAT way for you." I asked her what she meant. She said she loves me, but does not feel physically attracted to me. I do not arouse her sexually.

I know this could be for a variety of reasons:

  • Been together 20 years.
  • Sex with someone new.
  • I have been having some ED problems.
  • Hard getting over the emotional pain I caused her during our marriage.
  • Difficulty getting over the hurt of me falling in love with someone else.

Obviously, I am doing something wrong emotionally. She has been unattracted to me in that way for a long time. She says it's due to our fading relationship over the years. However, I think we have gotten much better, and she agrees. Our marriage is great now and we are looking forward to the future.

I am really torn up by this. Is this a sign she has lost her love for me? She says that's not the case. Will this just take time? Perhaps is she just not cut out for polyamory?

On a side note, I am I am in good shape, athletic, and not bad looking. Other women, even married ones, constantly flirt with me. One even told the table of women where my wife was sitting that she wanted to have sex with me.
 
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Was there a time when she did feel that way about you? Was she ever, at any point, the type to be overcome with lust and love and desire? If so, then maybe.

She has to be the one to decide to try and rekindle that spark, though. If she has anything rolling around in the back of her head saying maybe, then it is possible that somehow she has emotionally steeled herself over the years.

What not to do-- Don`t constantly tell her you`ll do anything to get back to how things were. She has to know and feel that her emotions are directed by herself, not manipulated by someone else's good intentions.

It is very hard to sit back and let the cards fall where they may. This does not mean sit on your ass, though. Go out, and live honestly, and compassionately, but be your own person. Things will go as they should.

Side note-- if you are the good-looking guy who sucks up female attention, and forgot about her in the past, she could be so entirely sick of your shit that it`s hard for her to find "that feeling." The type of person she is attracted to might differ now, with age and wisdom. 50/50 odds.
 
Yes, rather recently I had an emotional affair, the result of which was a poly relationship with the other couple, if you can believe it (me with Sunny and my wife Sarah with Sam). However, there was a time when she felt like she was really going to lose me and she said she got back that feeling. I imagine it stopped because we decided to be polyamorous with the other couple.

I have never forgotten about her in terms of romance and sexuality. I consider myself much more well-versed in romance than most men and I never stopped this. I had my flaws, but I have changed now. She has also had flaws. I have forgiven her and moved on.
 
I think it can be a protective measure. If she is afraid of being hurt again she is guarding her heart, and therefore, her sexuality, as well. I'd say just try and be gentle and patient. Back rubs can do wonders! Or just holding each other. Sometimes just lying next to each other naked in the bed, then let your bodies do the work on their own. Or not. Maybe just sweet caresses. Long-term relationships have their ebb and flow. Sometimes a spark ignites and takes you totally by surprise!
 
Does this mean she refuses to have sex with you, because she's just not sexually into you? Or did you feel some disconnect during an encounter, asked her, and got that answer?

I'm not sure what her thinking is, but I'd have a real hard time thinking and being on intimate terms with her again. Honesty is great. Those types of statements are mood killers. Just because you had sexual desire for her today and yesterday doesn't mean it will be there tomorrow. She may be fine with that. It's hard to un-ring a bell.
 
poobah123 said:
So my wife says to me, "I don't feel 'that way' about you." I asked her what she meant. She said she loves me but does not feel physically attracted to me. I do not arouse her sexually.

How do I handle this?
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If the relationship works for you even with that, do nothing.

If the relationship doesn't work for you, you're gonna have to change things. Find out what does arouse her, then figure out from there if it's possible for you to change something to where you do arouse her. If the problem is specific to you, then walk on and find a partner or partners who do desire you sexually. Or stay involved with her, yet spend your attention building new relationships with those who do desire you.
 
SourGirl said:
Was there a time when she did feel that way about you ? Was she ever, at any point, the type to be overcome with lust and love and desire?

She has to be the one to decide to try and rekindle that spark, though. It is possible that she has emotionally steeled herself over the years.

What not to do? Don`t constantly tell her you`ll do "anything" to get back to how things were. She has to know and feel that her emotions are directed by herself, not manipulated by someone else's good intentions.

It is very hard to sit back and let the cards fall where they may. This does not mean sit on your ass, though. Go out, and live honestly, and compassionately, but be your own person.

If you are the good-looking guy who sucks up female attention, and forgot about her in the past, she could be so entirely sick of your shit that it`s hard for her to find "that feeling." The type of person she is attracted to might differ now, with age and wisdom.
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SG, thanks, especially for that bolded part. Indeed very hard to do. You're smart and funny.
 
Imagine how you would feel if you found out she hadn't felt "that" way in years, but had participated in a highly active sex life with you while faking it. I don't know the answers, but I do know you are lucky to have the honest communication and self-awareness on her part that allows you both to have a place to move forward from, even if the "where to" part is murky, at best.
 
Follow up: we went out last night and had a great talk. We identified some things that are certain to be possible causes. The good thing is that she still loves me. She assumed that since she could not get aroused, I would want to leave her, or the marriage should just end, but I told her this was wrong.

We identified some possible causes:

  • There is still underlying resentment for hurt we caused each other
  • This problem did not start when she started with Sam. It started 6 years ago.
  • She can still orgasm, but she doesn't get aroused. Example, would be "wet" or feel it, etc.
  • We introduced toys to her sex life, which possibly took the intimacy out of the time spent.
  • I have put too much pressure on her to achieve orgasm.
  • I sometimes have been unsupportive of her relationship with Sam.
  • I have not paid enough attention to her recently. Too much OSO, not enough SO.

We both agreed that we have work to do, but it's worth the effort because we love each other. I understand that if she is to get that back it has to come naturally. I can't make her feel pressured. I will do what it takes.

It truly was a great evening. We did not end up having sex, but she asked. It was a rough day for her because the kids got her up early so I was fine with that.

Now the interesting question. Can she get that back for me while she has an OSO that she is physical with?

She is thinking of cutting the relationship with Sam off so she can just work on us, but that would mean I would have to cut my relationship off with Sunny. Since this problem did not start with Sam, but with me many years ago, I tend to think we don't have to stop seeing our others.

Oh man, this poly stuff is really tough sometimes, but very positive. The problem is out. We are talking now, instead of hiding, and possibly ending much worse.

Thoughts?

A BIG thank you to everyone who replied. I have been really upset about this, but thanks to people like you offering support I am able to get help.
 
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My initial reaction is that you both don't need to stop seeing your OSOs, for several reasons.

First, she doesn't want added pressure. Being monogamous, even temporarily, and focusing on making it hot again between the two of you would seem like a big pressure to me. You might tread carefully and think you're not pressuring, but, it's just too much of a heated topic to not feel, on some level, that letting go of the OSOs means there must be improvement in this area. Pressure! I think that just finding ways to connect again (on many levels, not just sexually) will be a big help, without making this such a "heavy" issue.

Second, and no less important, it would be disrespectful to your OSOs to ditch them in favor of working on your relationship with Sarah. When you get involved with several people, don't they all deserve the same respect and consideration, as human beings whom you love and care for? I think there is a responsibility in poly to not take any of our relationships lightly. Discarding one for another seems to send a message to the OSO that they don't matter. That doesn't mean that Sarah doesn't hold a special place in your heart, or that she can't have special treatment as your primary, but each person should be accorded the respect and honor they deserve as a partner in your life.

I think it would be better all around for both of you to continue connecting in ways you enjoy, to keep communicating, and to bring respect, kindness, caring, and love into all your relationships.
 
Slowing down is one thing, maybe saying to Sunny, "Honey, I'm going to be spending more time and energy on my marriage for a while, so you might be seeing less of me. Do you think we can work that out?"

But what an emotionally harsh thing it would be to drop a partner completely for something that has nothing to with your relationship with them. How exactly would that help? Good on you for hesitating at that idea.
 
I came back to post again because I just had this thought... totally intuition on my part. I get the sense that you and Sarah need more playfulness and lightheartedness between you. I think that making time to have fun together, just the two of you, without family, day-to-day responsibilities, or other worries of married life, will make a huge difference. I have this image of you taking her to a carnival, buying her a cotton candy, and going for a ride on the Ferris wheel. Do you two have a regular "date night?" If not, I highly recommend!
 
nycindie said:
I came back to post again because I just had this thought... totally intuition on my part. I get the sense that you and Sarah need more playfulness and lightheartedness between you. I think that making time to have fun together, just the two of you, without family, day-to-day responsibilities, or other worries of married life, will make a huge difference. I have this image of you taking her to a carnival, buying her a cotton candy, and going for a ride on the Ferris wheel. Do you two have a regular "date night?" If not, I highly recommend!
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Yes. This.
 
Uggh-- it just gets worse. I forgot to mention that it doesn't help that I have been having erection problems. I am not sure of the cause. I think subconsciously I could not be okay with this whole situation. Then again, life has been stressful for me. Laid off, job search, landed crappy job, money tight. Plus I take Cymbalta, an anti-depressant for anxiety, which could cause this problem.

Either way, this inability of mine hit a peak tonight and I just got really angry. Hot flashes. Ugh. Just another problem to deal with.

Sarah and Sunny know what is going on for me, and are both being really supportive.
 
poobah123 said:
I take Cymbalta, which could cause this problem.
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How long have you been on Cymbalta? My partner VanillaIce takes it for chronic pain and although, at first, both her libido and ability to get wet and climax were affected, the side effects have minimized now that she's been on it for a while.
 
Last night was a breaking point. I have to say, Sarah came home from being out with Sam, and was SOOOO supportive of me. God, it made me feel great.

I think I have been on it for like 5 years. I am starting to wean myself off. I truly feel in my heart that Sarah and Sam are not the cause of the problem. I really believe it's a problem with depression. I really don't like my job, even though I am paid well and it's close to home. We are just barely making it financially. I digress-- these forums are not for these types of problems.

I am still thankful for everyone's support.
 
Long-term problems (disliking a job) can cause a low-grade depression that will eat away at a libido, or cause ED problems. A person can become so acquainted with disliking something, that it feels normal. Then it's difficult to connect the dots on where the problem stems from.

I'm not a solve-problems-with-drugs kinda gal, though I know some people who definitely need them.

In your case, from what you tell us, I think your body is trying to tell you something. You need to get to the heart of what's troubling you (you`re already working on that... good), and the job situation might be a big factor as a contributing cause.
 
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