Advice needed-anniversary envy

[Csmarie]

I've been the girlfriend to a married couple for 4 years now. July 20th was our 4th anniversary. It wasn't celebrated at all. She had forgotten the date, and he decided to not say anything about it despite knowing the date. So, I'm really hurt by this. Every year I am the one that makes a big deal out of our anniversary. I've never gotten a card, or anything. I know that's not what it's about, but it has just seemed to not be significant to anyone but me. So, this year I decided to wait and see if anyone else said anything about it at all. Nothing. Here's my issue right now; their 10th wedding anniversary is right around the corner (aug. 22nd) and I keep having to hear about it. Initially they were going to go on a second honey moon. Now she keeps telling me about how she's hoping to get a new ring from him this year. Obviously, I want to be excited for them. 10 years of marriage is something to celebrate, and they should. But I have never felt jealousy like this before in my life. I haven't been able to go a night without crying myself to sleep in weeks. It's so ridiculous. It's out of control. I approached them about it yesterday after the ring discussion came up again and told them that our anniversary had been missed and that that was why I seemed to shut down whenever the topic came up. Obviously, they said they felt bad and I told them that I wasn't trying to make anyone feel bad and I didn't want to take away from the importance of THEIR anniversary, I was just feeling really left out based on the apparent insignificance of OUR anniversary. We aren't married, I don't live with them, I don't have a ring or anything (though I would love all of those things so much) so I understand that my relationship isn't equal to theirs. I just can't figure out why I am feeling so awful right now. The closer we get to the date the worse it gets. I don't know what to do. I know that when the actual date approaches I am going to be a total mess wondering what they're doing and just feeling left out. I do get jealous sometimes, I think it's natural to be jealous sometimes, but I've never felt it like this. I've never literally felt pain from something like this before now. I'm worried that it is going to seriously damage our relationship if I can't get it together. Does anyone have any advice for me? Please.....

 

[GalaGirl]

Could ask for what you need more directly in future rather than staying silent.

It's good you eventually brought it up...the feeling left out part. But you have not asked for things you would like.

To me it sounds like you want a small celebration too -- a card, flowers, special dinner out, something. Not to take away from their 10th anniv thing, but something for the 4th that is special in its own way.

So... have you asked? How they would like to celebrate the 4th and celebrate in future?

I understand that my relationship isn't equal to theirs. I just can't figure out why I am feeling so awful right now.

If you sit around devaluing yourself/your polyship to yourself in your thinking, then of course you feel ugh. Could stop doing that.

"I understand that a 4 year thing is not as long as a 10 year thing" is specific about the measure. TIME. And it is true. 4 years is shorter duration than 10. Nothing to get upset over. It just is.

"I understand my relationship isn't equal to theirs" appears to be about VALUE. Could not ding your own relationship or you like that. It's not respectful.

This year you chose silence about something you value -- and it did not serve you well. Learned something.

Next year, could be more vocal. "I am looking forward to our 5th -- could you guys be willing to talk to me about planning something fun for us?" Try a new way of going and see if that works out better.

I know that when the actual date approaches I am going to be a total mess wondering what they're doing and just feeling left out.

Why predict "doom future" for yourself? How does that help you cope today?

Why not predict something else if you must predict? Like

"I know I will get over this in time. Hopefully by the time the actual date approaches I will feel lots better. It just stinks right now, so I need to take care of me right now."

Because it does stink right now to feel this stuff. But no need to doom your near future too! ASK what they are going to be doing so you can know and chill out.

I'm worried that it is going to seriously damage our relationship if I can't get it together. Does anyone have any advice for me? Please.....

Ask your partners for comfort. Be ok being vulnerable. Keep it simpler on you.

Galagirl

 

[sparklepop]

Hi Csmarie,

Ouch. I really feel for you!

What you are going through is perfectly understandable.

First things first - have your partners made a big deal of *their* anniversaries prior to this big 10 year one? Could it be that it's just this one that matters to them, but they're generally not bothered about the others?

If yes, this should already help with your issue!

If no, then...

What is important to you IS important. If it matters to one person to celebrate an anniversary, it's lovely if it can be celebrated.

I was just feeling really left out based on the apparent insignificance of OUR anniversary.

How did they respond other than feeling bad?

We aren't married, I don't live with them, I don't have a ring or anything (though I would love all of those things so much) so I understand that my relationship isn't equal to theirs.

I just can't figure out why I am feeling so awful right now.

Well... it would make sense to me that this IS exactly why you are feeling awful. You understand that your relationship isn't equal, but you would really love all of the things they share - ring, marriage, house together, etc. It's not a nice feeling. Are you happy with the situation other than this anniversary thing?

My overall advice to you would be to ask yourself the above question again and determine whether you are happy and fulfilled in the current setup of the relationship. If you are, that's wonderful, and it's just a case of expressing what things are important to you and what you'd really appreciate in the future. They can't know unless you make it absolutely clear.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Csmarie,

Re (from OP):

"We aren't married, I don't live with them, I don't have a ring or anything (though I would love all of those things so much) ..."

Have you had a commitment ceremony with them?

Why don't you live with them?

Could the three of you invest in a set of three matching rings? They could wear theirs in addition to their wedding rings.

The emotional impression I get from your post is that you need those things. You need your relationship with them to be special, sacred. You need it to matter as much as their marriage does. You need triad anniversaries to be celebrated just as much as marital anniversaries.

If them giving you an anniversary card would be meaningful to you, then you've every right to ask them to do that for you each year.

Would you like to get flowers for your anniversaries? Tell them.

Would you like to go out somewhere special for dinner on your anniversaries? Tell them.

Would you like a special anniversary getaway sometime? Bring it up. A five-year anniversary would be a great time for the three of you to plan a special trip somewhere.

I even feel like you could show them your original post here so they know how you feel.

Point is, I don't think they realize how much these things matter to you, and, I don't think they realize what kinds of things you'd want that would make you feel better. In short, they need you to teach them how to make your relationship with them as important as their relationship with each other is.

Does that make sense?

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Anniversaries are not important to everyone...so I echo the others when they say that you do need to voice your wants in this regard. As someone else has asked: Have they made a big deal of any anniversaries other than the 10-year wedding anniversary?

I, personally, don't "do" anniversaries or birthdays (my own or anyone else's, except for kids) - so I don't have much insight there. This thread did remind me that next month will be the 1-year anniversary of when we all met Lotus...and I think that she would really appreciate an acknowledgement of that. I told the boys and we will try to think of something...

 

[IndieSolo]

I've been the girlfriend to a married couple for 4 years now. July 20th was our 4th anniversary . . . I've never gotten a card, or anything. I know that's not what it's about, but it has just seemed to not be significant to anyone but me. So, this year I decided to wait and see if anyone else said anything about it at all. Nothing . . .

I was just feeling really left out based on the apparent insignificance of OUR anniversary. We aren't married, I don't live with them, I don't have a ring or anything (though I would love all of those things so much) so I understand that my relationship isn't equal to theirs. I just can't figure out why I am feeling so awful right now.

Really? You can't figure out why you feel so crappy? How about:

They forgot your anniversary and are making a big deal out of theirs;
They don't share their day-to-day lives with you;
They have never honored your connection to them with a ceremony, ring, or other symbolic acknowledgement;
You know your relationship is -- as you put it -- not equal in importance to theirs.

Essentially, the only question I have for you, since you are obviously less than important to them than they are and you seem to be saying that you don't like being treated as a secondary in importance (some folks are okay with secondary status) -- why do you stay? If you want to be an equal partner to both of them, I'd say that that's not how a partner is treated. This all goes beyond the act of celebrating an anniversary.

Other important questions:
Do you feel respected? Do you feel valued? Do you feel safe enough to be yourself around them? Are your concerns heard and considered? Are you asked for your input on important issues affecting all of you? Are you able to be "out" as their girlfriend in front of their friends and families, or are you treated like a dirty secret?

 

[Arius]

My impression is that the "staying silent and seeing if they remember your 4th anniversary" tactic is the sort of thing people do when they feel insecure and want to test whether they are valued. Like not calling somebody and seeing how long it takes them to call you. It's a great way to make yourself feel lousy. I do it myself now and then.

My impression is that you want to mean as much to your partners as they mean to you, but don't feel that this is the case. Of course, there is a difference between actually not being valued, and just being treated as if you are not valued. So that needs to be cleared up.

You want to be married and live with them, but you don't. Why not? Have you expressed these desires? If so, what happened? If not, why not?

It sounds to me like you need to tell this couple how you feel and what you want and find out the same from them. I don't think you are going to feel better until you have that conversation.

 

[maxnsue]

Our girlfriend entered our marriage a long time ago. We never celebrated the anniversary or even remembered the date. Interesting to hear that it is special to you. Our girlfriend celebrated our wedding anniversary though. She went to dinner with us and even joined us on an anniversary vacation. Maybe it was because she became part of our family the weekend of her divorce from her first husband. Now I feel bad that we never acknowledged that date. We did toast and acknowledge the number of years we have been together though. We met 38 years ago and none of can remember that far back.

 

[bluemerle]

Our girlfriend entered our marriage a long time ago. We never celebrated the anniversary or even remembered the date. Interesting to hear that it is special to you. Our girlfriend celebrated our wedding anniversary though. She went to dinner with us and even joined us on an anniversary vacation. Maybe it was because she became part of our family the weekend of her divorce from her first husband. Now I feel bad that we never acknowledged that date. We did toast and acknowledge the number of years we have been together though. We met 38 years ago and none of can remember that far back.

That is a wonderful post. 38 years. Yay!

And I love your sig.

 

[maxnsue]

Thanks. Four years ago we all were supposed to retire together. We bought put down payments on homes in walking distance of each other. We moved in first and then we were informed that our g/f and her husband lost their retirement money on one of those scams during the last recession and were forced to go back to work. Now she just calls us once a week and visits when she can. We all still feel that we are meant to finish our lives together so it is just a matter of time.

I will admit that after so long it was hard to adjust to living as a couple. Harder for my wife as she no longer had a woman in her life. I asked her if she wanted to find another girlfriend but she said that she will wait for me to die first and then she is done with men and will live with a woman. We are old fashioned and mate for life. She is not going to replace her g/f even if she is not living with us presently. The love is still there.