Advice needed for dealing with a divorce within polycule

P

Polycat

New member
Hi!

So, I've been practicing ethical non-monogamy for about 5 years now. I've had many poly relationships but didn't have anything super serious until I met my current partner. We've been dating for over a year now, and it is by far the healthiest relationship I've experienced. My partner has been with his lovely wife for a few years, and they are having a sudden divorce that neither of them expected. I'm just wondering how others have dealt with being the "secondary" partner when a divorce occurs within the polycule?

While my partner continues to be very present in our relationship and acknowledges that our present dynamic will soon change to us becoming each other's "primaries," I'm experiencing lots of emotions such as stress for my partner, sympathy for his wife, anxiety for me and my partner's future, sadness, frustration, but also a feeling of impatience and hoping that we can get this show on the road. I've tried not to express these feelings to my partner since he's going through an obviously difficult time. But it has caused me to feel a bit isolated in the experience and wondering if these emotions are just me being selfish. If anyone has advice or words of wisdom to share in dealing with divorces/ major breakups, I would be happy to hear it!!!
 
I'm confused. How can a divorce be sudden and neither of them expected it? Divorce isn't just an act of god- someone has to ask for one.

A divorce doesn't automatically change your relationship though to "primary" if you do hierarchy. That's really mononormative thinking. Look at all the assumptions behind it- you're only "secondary" because someone got there first, etc? Your relationship doesn't have to change if it's in a place where you are both happy with it. If you are automatically assuming there are going to be changes, you should really discuss those, because you might not be on the same page.

What do you mean by, "get this show on the road"? It sounds like you are not in fact satisfied with the place your relationship was in and are tied to the idea of changes. Have you had a specific discussion about what changes you want and is your partner onboard?
 
Vicki82 said:
I'm confused. How can a divorce be sudden and neither of them expected it? Divorce isn't just an act of god- someone has to ask for one.

A divorce doesn't automatically change your relationship though to "primary" if you do hierarchy. That's really mononormative thinking. Look at all the assumptions behind it- you're only "secondary" because someone got there first, etc? Your relationship doesn't have to change if it's in a place where you are both happy with it. If you are automatically assuming there are going to be changes, you should really discuss those, because you might not be on the same page.

What do you mean by, "get this show on the road"? It sounds like you are not in fact satisfied with the place your relationship was in and are tied to the idea of changes. Have you had a specific discussion about what changes you want and is your partner onboard?
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By sudden, I mean she's had an unexpected pregnancy by her other partner, wants to keep it, and they decided to end things because my partner does not want to participate. I do understand that a divorce doesn't automatically change the relationship, but through discussing it with my partner we decided that our dynamic would change in that way. By "get the show on the road"- i mean exactly that, get going (since she is still in the process of moving out) so that the healing process can begin. I suppose I'm looking for advice from people who have been through something similar and have practical advice on how to process and support a partner going through a serious separation, since this is the first major one I have experienced like this.
 
You aren't the only ones ever to deal in divorce. I don't think you are "being selfish" just because you are experiencing a bunch of mixed feelings as a result of observing them go through unexpected divorce. I think feeling all sorts of things is to be expected during major life changes.

While my partner continues to be very present in our relationship and acknowledges that our present dynamic will soon change to us becoming each other's "primaries,"
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Ok. So wife wants to keep unplanned pregnancy by her other partner. So they are getting divorced. Then you and BF will become each other's primaries.

I've tried not to express these feelings to my partner since he's going through an obviously difficult time. But it has caused me to feel a bit isolated in the experience
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If you are living through an anxious time where things that were previously stable are now "all up in the air" and you don't like it? You want something certain? Then I can understand wanting to hurry up and be done with this process and "get the show on the road." You want to be over THERE in the "done" place and not here in the "still living through it" place.

But divorce and adjustments -- they take a while. And moving out while pregnant in normal times is rough, doing it in pandemic is rougher.
You could just leave them to sort that out.

But ask your BF what you can do to support him.


might give you ideas. Could deal with practical tasks to give him a break on doing his laundry or pick him up some dinner. Walk the dog. Go run the grocery, get the mail. Encourage him to rest when he needs it. Basics.

And do the same for yourself -- eat, sleep, work, etc on a schedule so those areas of life are stable even while THIS area of life is up in the air right now.

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
You aren't the only ones ever to deal in divorce. I don't think you are "being selfish" just because you are experiencing a bunch of mixed feelings as a result of observing them go through unexpected divorce. I think feeling all sorts of things is to be expected during major life changes.



Ok. So wife wants to keep unplanned pregnancy by her other partner. So they are getting divorced. Then you and BF will become each other's primaries.



If you are living through an anxious time where things that were previously stable are now "all up in the air" and you don't like it? You want something certain? Then I can understand wanting to hurry up and be done with this process and "get the show on the road." You want to be over THERE in the "done" place and not here in the "still living through it" place.

But divorce and adjustments -- they take a while. And moving out while pregnant in normal times is rough, doing it in pandemic is rougher.
You could just leave them to sort that out.

But ask your BF what you can do to support him.


might give you ideas. Could deal with practical tasks to give him a break on doing his laundry or pick him up some dinner. Walk the dog. Go run the grocery, get the mail. Encourage him to rest when he needs it. Basics.

And do the same for yourself -- eat, sleep, work, etc on a schedule so those areas of life are stable even while THIS area of life is up in the air right now.

Galagirl
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Thank you for your thoughtful response! I really appreciate it. I definitely needed a reminder that this will take a while and that patience is required. And good advice to do simple things for him and for myself during this.
 
Hello Polycat,

It seems to me that you don't have any duties in this particular situation to fulfill; basically this is just between your partner and his (soon-to-be-ex) wife. You can of course lend him a listening ear, and a shoulder to cry on if that's what he needs, but for the most part I think he'll need space to grieve. As for your own feelings, of difficulty with the situation, I think it would be okay to tell him that you are having your own difficulties, but that you can discuss those later, after he's gotten through some/most of his own struggles. You have to work together, and be there for each other. I hope his wife has her own support system.

It may help you just to vent on this forum. I recommend for you to keep us posted on your evolving situation and frame of mind. We will try to help as much as possible.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Polycat,

It seems to me that you don't have any duties in this particular situation to fulfill; basically this is just between your partner and his (soon-to-be-ex) wife. You can of course lend him a listening ear, and a shoulder to cry on if that's what he needs, but for the most part I think he'll need space to grieve. As for your own feelings, of difficulty with the situation, I think it would be okay to tell him that you are having your own difficulties, but that you can discuss those later, after he's gotten through some/most of his own struggles. You have to work together, and be there for each other. I hope his wife has her own support system.

It may help you just to vent on this forum. I recommend for you to keep us posted on your evolving situation and frame of mind. We will try to help as much as possible.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Thank you, Kevin. I appreciate your thoughtful response. That's really good advice, definitely need to remember that there is nothing for me to "fix" here.
 
I'm glad to be of help.
 
Part of love is being there through the good times and bad. Loving is easy when everything is smooth sailing, but we prove our love by supporting our partners when they need it the most, in times of grief or illness/injury. This can actually be a good thing in the long run, as it allows trust to grow.

It's sad how choices about childbearing can break up otherwise compatible couples. I hope eventually he can remain friends with his STBX wife, despite her choice to become a mom.

It's right to acknowledge though, that just because his wife will no longer be his primary, you do not necessarily now have to take on more time with him, or move in, or start sharing finances, or buy a pet together, etc., as nesting partners/primaries do. I'd recommend not doing any of those things until he's made his transition to living without his wife and getting himself in order financially and emotionally. Then you can choose to do those things because you (yourself, and the two of you together) really want to (if and when you do) and not because there's this sudden vacuum or gap in his life.
 
Magdlyn said:
It's sad how choices about childbearing can break up otherwise compatible couples. I hope eventually he can remain friends with his STBX wife, despite her choice to become a mom.
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To be fair most people involved in any kind of ENM a see this as a big deal. AND not so much on the childbearing side but more on the childrearing and financial responsibility side of things. Id think most couples considering having this relationship structure USUALLY run down their own set of RISKS. Birth control...planned or unplanned pregnancies right along side STD’s are all part of the greater safe sex practices discussion. Unfortunately from the limited amount of information given its very likely that agreements and trust were broken and or they reside in a state in which there is default paternity to a married husband.

Im not sure but I think the responsibility and commitment is so great that it’s OK to break up on these grounds.
 
dingedheart said:
To be fair most people involved in any kind of ENM a see this as a big deal. AND not so much on the childbearing side but more on the childrearing and financial responsibility side of things. Id think most couples considering having this relationship structure USUALLY run down their own set of RISKS. Birth control...planned or unplanned pregnancies right along side STD’s are all part of the greater safe sex practices discussion. Unfortunately from the limited amount of information given its very likely that agreements and trust were broken and or they reside in a state in which there is default paternity to a married husband.

Im not sure but I think the responsibility and commitment is so great that it’s OK to break up on these grounds.
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Where did I say it was not OK to break up over differences around having and raising children? I was just saying it was sad. It's sad and hard for a mono couple, it's sad and hard for a poly couple.
 
Magdlyn said:
Where did I say it was not OK to break up over differences around having and raising children? I was just saying it was sad. It's sad and hard for a mono couple, it's sad and hard for a poly couple.
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Let me rephrase. On something like this I don’t think it’s sad. I think it’s smart/ wise.
 
I think it's sad, too, that they don't feel like they can "just" reframe their relationship ("just" because that's still a big thing especially with a baby in the mix). One of the big pros to polyamory, to me, is the flexibility to let relationships be what they are instead of feeling forced to fit into the usual configurations.

Polycat, I think just being there and supporting is all you can do. Let your partner talk if he needs to. Distract if he needs distracting. Be ready to give side when it really hits. I'm not sure I'd really recommend immediately sliding into that primary slot until AFTER he's had time to mourn. Maybe give it a few months for him to adjust to new normal then think about escalating your relationship.

Something to consider - if pregnancy/baby are the only reason they're breaking up, will they decide to date in a more secondary way when mom is ready to date? How will you feel if they do?
 
AlwaysGrowing said:
I think it's sad, too, that they don't feel like they can "just" reframe their relationship ("just" because that's still a big thing especially with a baby in the mix). One of the big pros to polyamory, to me, is the flexibility to let relationships be what they are instead of feeling forced to fit into the usual configurations.

Polycat, I think just being there and supporting is all you can do. Let your partner talk if he needs to. Distract if he needs distracting. Be ready to give side when it really hits. I'm not sure I'd really recommend immediately sliding into that primary slot until AFTER he's had time to mourn. Maybe give it a few months for him to adjust to new normal then think about escalating your relationship.

Something to consider - if pregnancy/baby are the only reason they're breaking up, will they decide to date in a more secondary way when mom is ready to date? How will you feel if they do?
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Do you find it sad that any or all hard limits can’t be renegotiated or “relationships reframed “ to accommodate a legal spouse?

And they are reframing the relationship. I’d think modern feminism would celebrate this her body her choice she doesn’t need a man blah blah whatever blah. It’s not sad it’s empowering and inspiring😝👍. Every relationship has a shelve life and this one is up. And we know there’s another man in this equation and I’m sure everyone hopes he steps up and provides enough Support or comfort for what she might be losing on the other side.
In terms of sad and what we know and what we don’t know this might turn out with happier outcomes for all those concerned.
 
dingedheart said:
Do you find it sad that any or all hard limits can’t be renegotiated or “relationships reframed “ to accommodate a legal spouse?

And they are reframing the relationship. I’d think modern feminism would celebrate this her body her choice she doesn’t need a man blah blah whatever blah. It’s not sad it’s empowering and inspiring😝👍. Every relationship has a shelve life and this one is up. And we know there’s another man in this equation and I’m sure everyone hopes he steps up and provides enough Support or comfort for what she might be losing on the other side.
In terms of sad and what we know and what we don’t know this might turn out with happier outcomes for all those concerned.
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I think something that can be a hard limit in a cohabiting, primary relationship isn't always necessarily a limit at all in a less entwined, secondary (or tertiary or whatever-ary) one. Not wanting to be involved in raising kids isn't necessarily the same as not wanting to associate with parents at all.

I find the end of relationships sad probably 95% of the time. It can be exciting. It can be the right thing for all involved. It can be so many positive things. But it's usually still sad. Sad to say goodbye to someone who was once so loved. Sad to start over and formulate a new life plan. Sad doesn't mean "for the worst." It just means sad.
 
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