Hi!
I'm quite new to polyamory and seeking for some outside advice. I will try to keep it succint!
I have been dating my current partner, lets call them Finn, for half a year now, and we have progressed into a quite serious relationship. From the onset, we both entered the relationship with the intent of being polyamorous.
Some months into us dating, I met, let's say U for Umbrella. With the knowledge and consent of Finn, I have gotten to know Umbrella better, to the point me and Umbrella have now established a mutual interest in a casual relationship with physical intimacy.
Here's the thing:
Through some misunderstandings and miscommunications, I have failed to communicate and offer enough reassurance to Finn at a couple points of me being involved with Umbrella. This has understandably affected Finn's trust in me and my ability to handle polyamory in relation to Umbrella.
Me and my partner Finn recently had a conflict related to this. I decided to ask for some space from Umbrella until me and my partner Finn could solve the conflict, assert clearer boundaries and state more of our wishes.
Also, it has become apparent to us that my partner Finn has an anxious attachment style, and me going out on a date is very triggering for them by default. Thus, it takes me a great deal of effort, tact, reassurance, communication, care, attention, asking for needs and managing expectations, if I want to go on a date so that Finn still feels seen, heard, secure and cared for. And this is what I'm struggling to do sufficiently. Sometimes F gets very triggered, but still insists me to go see Umbrella, which might even perpetuate the conflict.
In this moment, Umbrella is eager to keep in contact, although I asked them for some space. I feel conflicted, since ideally in a non-hierarchical setting, one more established partnership should not have too much authority over my other relationships. I feel bad for leaving Umbrella hanging, and it feels unfair towards Umbrella for me to keep them at a distance because I am still recovering from a conflict with Finn.
I feel like I am failing at polyamory right from the get-go. It's like there's no alternative where everyone would be happy –– ironically, I feel trapped in this situation. I would like to keep seeing Umbrella, while trying to take as good care of my relationship with Finn. Returning to being friends with Umbrella would seem the easiest at this point, but I don't think Finn would appreciate me bypassing my own needs just to make Finn "feel more secure."
Any thoughts? I'm sure I'm making some beginner's cardinal mistakes at polyamory here. Please feel free to call me out.
I'm quite new to polyamory and seeking for some outside advice. I will try to keep it succint!
I have been dating my current partner, lets call them Finn, for half a year now, and we have progressed into a quite serious relationship. From the onset, we both entered the relationship with the intent of being polyamorous.
Some months into us dating, I met, let's say U for Umbrella. With the knowledge and consent of Finn, I have gotten to know Umbrella better, to the point me and Umbrella have now established a mutual interest in a casual relationship with physical intimacy.
Here's the thing:
Through some misunderstandings and miscommunications, I have failed to communicate and offer enough reassurance to Finn at a couple points of me being involved with Umbrella. This has understandably affected Finn's trust in me and my ability to handle polyamory in relation to Umbrella.
Me and my partner Finn recently had a conflict related to this. I decided to ask for some space from Umbrella until me and my partner Finn could solve the conflict, assert clearer boundaries and state more of our wishes.
Also, it has become apparent to us that my partner Finn has an anxious attachment style, and me going out on a date is very triggering for them by default. Thus, it takes me a great deal of effort, tact, reassurance, communication, care, attention, asking for needs and managing expectations, if I want to go on a date so that Finn still feels seen, heard, secure and cared for. And this is what I'm struggling to do sufficiently. Sometimes F gets very triggered, but still insists me to go see Umbrella, which might even perpetuate the conflict.
In this moment, Umbrella is eager to keep in contact, although I asked them for some space. I feel conflicted, since ideally in a non-hierarchical setting, one more established partnership should not have too much authority over my other relationships. I feel bad for leaving Umbrella hanging, and it feels unfair towards Umbrella for me to keep them at a distance because I am still recovering from a conflict with Finn.
I feel like I am failing at polyamory right from the get-go. It's like there's no alternative where everyone would be happy –– ironically, I feel trapped in this situation. I would like to keep seeing Umbrella, while trying to take as good care of my relationship with Finn. Returning to being friends with Umbrella would seem the easiest at this point, but I don't think Finn would appreciate me bypassing my own needs just to make Finn "feel more secure."
Any thoughts? I'm sure I'm making some beginner's cardinal mistakes at polyamory here. Please feel free to call me out.
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