Advice on meeting metamour ! From friend of your partner to metamours

dinotop

New member
Hello :))
I'm new on the forum ! (20 NB)
My partner who I have been with for almost 3 years (in long distance relationship) just slept for the first time with a very good friend of her. They have began kind of a casual relationship where they see each other regularly !

I know this friend of her, I was hanging out with her before in the bunch of friends of my partner !
Now that there was this change in the relationship between my partner and the friend she sleeps with, I am wondering how meeting again with her friend would feel and how to act around her!! It made me fairly insecure the beginning of this relationship and I am a little afraid that interacting again with this friend of my partner would be akward or that I would compare myself to her cause I think she's really cool.

Another thing is my partner and I usually show a lot of affection for each other in the presence of her friends.
My partner is gonna live in a new city with this friend of her for a month, and when I'll visit her, we kind of planned to meet up all the three. I am wondering how to act.

I guess I'm mostly confused on how affectionate to be with my partner, as I don't want to seem possessive or make her friend feel uncomfortable. I am also looking for tips on how to deal with the insecurity that might pop up.

Does anyone has experience with meeting some friends of your partners you knew before, who now switched to being metamours ?
Or do you have some advice ?

Thank you in advance!
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
The best thing to do is to have an awkward discussion about this beforehand just because people might not consider things you bring up and it's better than dealing with mistakes and fallout.

For example, if PDAs are going to be a problem, you can plan in advance to do something where you're all active instead of lounging around which reduces the chance of prolonged intimate moments.

Or you can agree to do a group activity which takes off the pressure to use the time to process as a 3.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
"A casual relationship where they see (translation: fuck?) each other often" can quickly turn serious. Although 20 year olds are not super likely to get serious in the way a later twenty-something or older person would, I'd recommend being prepared for the bird in the hand to be pretty attractive.

I know that's not your main question, but you said she's very cool and you feel competitive.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle.

I struggle with no names, so I'm going with generic fruit.

  • Apple is your partner.
  • Banana is their new FWB? Partner? Whatever... they are your metamour.

My partner who I have been with for almost 3 years (in long distance relationship) just slept for the first time with a very good friend of her. They have began kind of a casual relationship where they see each other regularly !

And was that ok within your relationship agreements?

Sounds like you've been dating your partner from 17 to 20 yrs old. Was it always an open/poly relationship? Or did that change recently?

I will assume open/poly was always on the table, and this is the first time Apple has acted on it. You correct me if I'm wrong on that.

(But if this is a case of Apple using open/poly as a means to avoid breaking up with you? Or you are going along with open/poly things you don't really want to do as a means to avoid breaking up with Apple? It will save you a whole lot of grief if you take a time out and think this out. )

But assuming this is consenting non-monogamy... just new to it?

FWIW? Be as up front and honest as you were here. Deal with things head on. You are 20. This is just dating. Ok, dating more than one person at a time in what sounds like some kind of consenting non-monogamy. (??)

But most people don't stick with the people they first date in their teens and early 20s. These early experiences have their charms, but you aren't automatically tied to them for the rest of your life. Who we are and what we want in our 20s isn't who we are and what we want in the 30s, 40s, 50s and so on.

Like with any dating? They either will pan out long term. Or they won't. It's ok to enjoy them and just wait and see how they develop without stressing over it too much.

When in doubt? Be honest, up front, and polite. If you have worries about the trip? Over a 3 people phone call or 3 people video call (NOT over text) express your concerns. Body language and tone of voice is missing from text.

Blue just to visually block it off.

Dear Apple and Banana:

I'm ok with consenting non-monogamy. But I wanted to share some concerns before I visit.

Having a metamour is new to me, and I'd like a polite, friendly relationship if possible. Or at least working toward that. We don't have to be best friends or anything, but I'd like to be comfortable in the same room together with Apple and be polite to each other.

Apple and I usually show a lot of affection for each other in the presence of her friends. I don't want to make Banana feel weird seeing that now that Banana and Apple date too. Or feel too weird myself watching PDA between Apple and Banana. Also don't want to make Apple feel weird like put in the middle.

So... can we agree on hugs, and leave the heavy making out for private rooms and NOT in common areas like the kitchen or living room during the visit?

As for sex... can I confirm safer sex practices are being used? I don't need to know private details. I need to know condoms and similar and being used so I can manage my own sex health hygiene.

Are there concerns either of you have for navigating this trip? Or this network/polycule? I'm willing to talk those out.


And then let the chips fall where they may.

I am also looking for tips on how to deal with the insecurity that might pop up.

What is the insecurity about? Can you name it? Is it anything here?



Normal when 20 to still be figuring yourself out and not be totally secure in your own young adult self because you just got there and just left the teens! You don't know who this young adult 20s self IS yet.

If Apple dates you both? Apple finds you both interesting enough to date. Don't have to compare yourself to other people as a means to put your own self down. Like "They are so cool and I'm so boring!" That's like kicking over your own bucket. And for what?

Instead, figure yourself out. Who are you? What do you like? What do you not like? What are your strong skills? What are skills you might like to grow? What do you bring to the relationship table? What do you have to offer?

What do you find cool about Banana? Is is a skill you want to grow for yourself?

Does anyone has experience with meeting some friends of your partners you knew before, who now switched to being metamours ?

I was the same basic polite I am to all people. And then I wanted to know about sex health practices. Because MY health is my biz, and I'm not gonna be part of a sloppy network.

Just because your partner has other partners doesn't mean you are obligated to be their BFF. Basic polite is good enough.

Some metas do hit it off and become friends on their own but that's because they want to and have enough in common to develop that kind of relationship. But it is not because they date the same hinge.

My partner is gonna live in a new city with this friend of her for a month, and when I'll visit her, we kind of planned to meet up all the three. I am wondering how to act.

How long of a visit? A day trip? Longer like a weekend or a week?

If this is too new and too weird, you might consider booking your own hotel room. So you visit part of the day, and go home to hotel at night so all of you get a break. And do not have to be "on" for best manners the whole visit. Get some breaks from feeling awkward or weird.

And rest easier in your mind because if you don't like the vibe from the "let's share concerns" call? You can cancel the trip. You don't have to visit Apple there. YOU get to pick where YOU travel.

She's only going there for a month. See her when she's back instead.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello dinotop,

Just act normal around your metamour, don't act any different than you would have before your partner slept with her. If you want to talk about the elephant in the room you can do that, just don't make any overly big deal about it. This is my advice. Things don't have to change as much as perhaps you're thinking. Show your partner the usual amount of affection, and just prepare yourself for the likelihood that your metamour will probably show her some affection as well.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

dinotop

New member
Thank you so much for the time you took and the advice you gave me ! It makes me feel supported :) and it gave me some news ideas and perspective on the situation.

It feels like there were some things I didn't explain very clearly.

So to clarify the situation, I am in an open-relationship with Apple. :) It was agreed from the beggining of the relationship and we work on reassessing our relationship agreements pretty often. Now we have a what we define as a primary relationship with each other where we're free to establish sexual/emotional connection with other people but we would like to tend towards being poly but it seems scary to both of us to drop the hierarchization!

And yes it is the first time that Apple acts on it !
For the sexual health it's already an agreement that we have to have safe sex with all of our partners so I don't worry about it.

The friend she sleeps with pretty often is also in a open relationship with a primary partner. So Banana and Apple both expressed the fact that they didn't want to invest themselves too much in what's happening between them, because they don't have mental space to maintain another important relationship at the moment. So they have sex, share affection and spend time talking/discussing/ making projects as they were doing as friends before also.
I do prepare myself for this to maybe evolve, and who knows maybe they fall in love, this feels a little out of control and scary. But I want to work on accepting it and for the perspective of it being less scary!

They will live on the same city but they won't live together in the same appartement ! They will do a journalist internship in the same magazine!

When I was saying that I was feeling insecure, I think I mostly feel scared to become less important for Apple and lose our connection, maybe of being replaced. I think I also feel like I would necessarily get less time and attention from Apple because of the new relationship energy between her and Banana, and the fact that they'll be living in the same city. I also feel scared not be enough for Apple, but I have been working on identifying my qualities and defining myself more !

I think now i have made haha list of my qualities, skills, what I can bring to a relationship. I am wondering how to really integrate this !

I think the idea of acting "normally" and give the normal amount of affection to Apple than usual sounds the most appealing to me, and I would like to have a talk with Banana to make sure she's okay with it and reassure her I don't want her to feel any bad, and that I want her to feel free to also be affectionate as she feels like it ! Yeah and also sharing with Apple that I don't want her to feel in the middle !
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
When I was saying that I was feeling insecure, I think I mostly feel scared to become less important for Apple and lose our connection, maybe of being replaced.

Have you ever broken up before? Because if you two have been dating since 17-20... maybe not? Is that where the scary is coming from?

I think the risk of a break up there all the time any way. Even in monogamous relationships. Because people can grow apart, fall out of love, etc. The only way to avoid risk of a break up is not to date at all. But then you miss out on so much if you don't take a chance so... becoming at peace with it and thinking "I want to date this person. I really hope it pans out. But if not, I can handle doing my part in a decent, polite break up."

What do you need to feel at peace and feel secure enough dating? In your relationships? To know that you can handle a break up if they have to happen?

I think I also feel like I would necessarily get less time and attention from Apple because of the new relationship energy between her and Banana, and the fact that they'll be living in the same city.

It's only a month. From 17-20 -- were you ever apart? Like long vacations in summer or something?

I also feel scared not be enough for Apple

Why scared?

I think now i have made haha list of my qualities, skills, what I can bring to a relationship. I am wondering how to really integrate this !

You probably already do. You just sounded (to me) like you needed reminding that you are a worthwhile person because you sounded like you were getting lost in the down talk. Like "Banana is so cool, and I'm not compared to them!" kinda vibe.

You are allowed to take up the space you do in the world.

Galagirl
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi dinotop,

I don't know if it helps for me to say this, but there is such a thing as hierarchical poly. Many polyamorists have a hierarchy -- they are the primary couple, and all other lovers are secondary. Although in poly, a primary partner can be in love with a secondary partner. So maybe that is the part you find scary.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
My partner is gonna live in a new city with this friend of her for a month, and when I'll visit her, we kind of planned to meet up all the three. I am wondering how to act.

I guess I'm mostly confused on how affectionate to be with my partner, as I don't want to seem possessive or make her friend feel uncomfortable.

I strongly recommend just saying this out loud to your partner (as well as your metamour, if you have that kind of closeness with them). It's totally normal for many of us to be hesitant when approaching a new type of social interaction.

The trick to communicating this kind of stuff (like most other kinds of stuff) is to express your fears without blame, and without the assumption that someone else needs to change what they are doing. The goal should be to express "boy, I'm feeling insecure and I'm not sure what to do with my hands" so that you demystify it, and offer them the compliment of trusting them with your feelings. Then, it's their opportunity to show you that they care about you and offer you the compliment of their thoughts on the matter.

It's great that you came here to get some other opinions about what is going on with you, but the big important thing to do is to use this as an opportunity to communicate with your loved ones.

I am also looking for tips on how to deal with the insecurity that might pop up.

That insecurity is also perfectly normal. They are essentially moving in with someone else and it would be impossible for that to not present your relationship with some changes/challenges. You're going into the unknown and we can get a little squirrely about that.

The trick is (for me at least) to keep a close eye on your expectations and your internal monologue.

  • Your expectations should line up with reality, and only reality. They are moving in together, this will present some changes, you should align your expectations with that reality.
  • Your internal monologue should line up with reality, and avoid blaming anyone (including yourself). My internal monologue can get pretty abusive and it takes some effort to talk myself out of it. It is one thing to acknowledge that I am having insecurity/jealousy, but it's another to give myself a "what are you, crazy?" or "grow up, Marcus, don't be a child" ass kicking. Be honest with yourself, but be easy.

When I was saying that I was feeling insecure, I think I mostly feel scared to become less important for Apple and lose our connection, maybe of being replaced.

Relationships adjust as the people in them change, and as the environmental circumstances change. Them moving in with another person and having a closely intertwined relationship would pretty much insist that things are going to change.

My advice would be to watch very carefully how you respond to news/challenges that you don't care for. Like, when you find that the amount/type of access you have to them changes, make sure that you don't freak out on them or make them feel small for it. They are living their lives, as you are living yours, and we should always treat our loved ones with care and honesty.

Being an effective communicator means being clear about where you are at, and being a grand master at receiving bad news gracefully. Every time we are passive aggressive, shaming, weepy, blaming messes when we get bad news, we tell the people around us that we can't be trusted and that they shouldn't be honest with you.

Encourage honesty by rewarding honesty (even when we are not getting what we want).
 
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