Advice on ONS in poly

S

Surfer001

New member
Hey guys 😊

Need some advice on ym poly relationship please.

I've been in a poly relationship the last few months. We took a break from each other for a week, to reassessed things as her other poky friends said she had changed and wasn't her previous free bird self, this might have been due to boundaries we had with each other being primaries.
We got back together and communicated everything as we do as this is key to our relationship.

She's recently lost her other partner as they lived too far apart and the other parnter couldn't give her the time and wanted her own space and be totally single.
I've supported my parnter in the last 2 weeks, whilst she is rebuilding her circle and looking at other partners.

The issue I have ATM, I've expressed to her that night don't like ONS, I love and care about my partner and have been trough trauma with past gfs and friends were ONS have turned bad and or not been good. So I explained that my reasoning is I wish for her to be safe, safe environment, someone she can gage better when sober etc pt at least have date and see where that goes. Yes that is down to my own insecurity, as I don't wish to always have a small thought in my head she's out that it could end up bad or worst non protection so this effects our fuild relationship as we protect with other partners.

She's told me, that she doesn't want this, she may not do ONS, as she tends not to at times, but with my boundary it takes away her freedom to do so, as this also in a way says I don't think she is strong capable and able to look after herself and make correct decisions.
If she met someone out and fancied then wanted the option herself to go home with them ot not as thay would be her choose and nothing to do with having not to it because of me.
(She has been in a traumatic experience where a ONS tuens into no concent on her behalf.. the r word)

What's people's advice on this?
To me as primaries I would prefer if we discussed our other partners or potential partners, so each is secure and the relationship isn't effected.

Am I taking away her freedom? Or being controlling in a way?

I do completely understand, if she's out I shouldn't worry as she is capable off looking after herself, just through prev situations it makes me feel anxieties during the night if she's out..
 
Is this the same partner/problem as before?

https://polyamory.com/threads/new-to-poly-and-wantwd-advise.154615/

https://polyamory.com/threads/advance-on-my-poly-realtionship.154747/


We took a break from each other for a week,...
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We got back together and communicated everything as we do as this is key to our relationship.
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What's that mean? Could you please be willing to clarify? Is it that you broke up and got back together a week later?

You each can have your own preferences. Nothing wrong with casual one night stands if it is consenting. Also nothing wrong with NOT being into that.
  • She might prefer to include one night stands for herself. She might be fine dating partners who do it.
  • You might prefer no one night stands for yourself. You might prefer not to date partners who do it
If your communication is key... are you both being direct and up front? Esp if this is second time around? If so? Nobody is taking freedoms away. After all, she is free to tell you "Nope, I do not agree to stop doing ONS." Just as you are free to say "No, I don't date people who do ONS."

If your personal boundary is "I can't be fluid bonded to people who do one night stands" -- maybe you start using protection with her.

If your personal boundary is "I can't date people who are up for one night stands because it triggers my anxieties" maybe you just end it with her. Then you each can do what you want in your own open/poly dating lives without having to take each other's stuff into consideration. She is free TO pursue ONS stuff that she wants. And you are free FROM any ONS stuff you don't want.

You respecting your own personal boundaries? Is not you taking any of her freedoms away.

If you two have shared agreements? Presumably she's not making any she can't keep or isn't willing to keep. Because she's free to say "No, thanks. I do not agree to do that" from the start. Is she making agreements with you and then not keeping them? Just saying whatever in the moment? Say one thing, do another? Like she wants the benefits of being coupled with you, while acting like a single free agent? That's another kind of problem.

It has only been a few months. Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner. As you get to know each other more? You may find you might not be compatible for dating each other after all.

I mean this kindly, ok? If you haven't been dating all that long... Why are you two doing primary-secondary model? And if this is the same person as before... how many times are you gonna bump into this ONS thing before you decide "We aren't compatible due to this issue" and quit going in circles on it?

It's ok to move on to poly date people who are more compatible with what is is you seek.

Galagirl
 
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To me as primaries I would prefer if we discussed our other partners or potential partners, so each is secure and the relationship isn't effected.
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I personally don't see this as a requirement of being primary. Security isn't found by knowing who my husband or my partner is screwing (or vice versa).

Early disclosure may be used as a stepping stone towards authentic autonomy whilst maintaining a relationship (my husband and I had it as a stepping stone) but now either of us could have a one night stand if we chose and not tell the other if we didn't want to. Disclosure, and certainly not beforehand, is not a requirement of being ethically non monogamous. It *is* limiting. For us it is unnecessary.

If I or he wanted to see them again and get to know them more, then we'd probably tell each other fairly soon since we'd want to add dates to the calendar and we live together. On the occasions we've been living apart for work, it didn't matter so much.

I'm reading that YOU don't like doing one night stands yourself because [list of reasons] but you're now wanting your new gf to adopt YOUR opinion and actions.

How about you do you and don't have one night stands, and she does her and makes the decisions she wants to. She can tell you if something failed in the safer sex measures so you don't share sex with her until she has a clear sti test.

As for her being raped (again), well, that's the risk people take with a one night stand or a well established relationship. Absolutely any person known for any length of time could turn into rape. She could date someone for weeks, months, years and still be raped by them. So could you.

So yeah, IMO you are taking away her freedom because you are imposing your (unshared) values on her and consequently restricting her behaviour in a way that she is currently coerced to consent to.

May be time to let her go and find someone who shares your values.

Or you can accept that she wants to enjoy her sexuality in the way she defines and acts. And that that may include ONS, or it may not, but she has the choice.

You have the choice if you want to continue your relationship with her.

But you don't have the right to impose your attitudes on her, just like I'm sure you wouldn't impose your body on her.
 
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Hello Surfer,

You seem to recognize that your aversion to ONS is due to your own insecurity, which in turn stems from ONS trauma you had (via friends and girlfriends) in the past. So you have not healed from that trauma. Have you considered meeting up with a therapist to do some digging, and unpack some of that baggage?

Or I suppose you could start here, if you can't afford a therapist, or don't feel comfortable going down that road with a therapist. I'm not sure where you could start here, perhaps you could describe the trauma that you went through? If you don't want to do that publicly, you could message one of us privately (I for one would be willing).

You do need to allow her the freedom to do ONS if that is what she wants. Maybe you could just say okay to that even while it makes you feel uncomfortable. If you know it's the right thing to do, not every right thing feels comfortable, and that's a reality we just accept.

Some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
I have a friend who always liked fast cars. Every time I went out with him felt like a near death experience to me. Whether that was a reality is besides my point, but that is how it felt.

If the activities of others cause you stress, discomfort, fear, or you simply oppose the behavior on personal moral or ethical grounds... That's okay. It is okay that you feel that way. Is that what you wanted to hear?

Do you think I told my friend that he needed to get rid of his fast cars? Or to stop being interested in racing? My discomfort going 180mph is my problem, so I quit putting myself in the passenger seat. It's not much of a friendship anymore to be honest because cars are all he does with his time. That association had to be drastically adjusted due to my discomfort.

She responded to your request with a confident "No". She simply isn't interested in making promises that impede her autonomy, and that makes sense to me... Now, in light of this information you need to decide if you can continue to associate, or to what degree you can handle an association with her based on the clearly stated terms.

Best of luck.
 
Is your aversion to her doing one night stands just because of her past experience with being assaulted on a ONS?

If so, that's YOUR issue, not hers. She wants the autonomy to decide if she wants to have a ONS or not based on her own comfort and feelings. If your objection is that you'll be worried about her, it's on you to deal with that anxiety. Why should that be her problem? If she's not worried, why should you be?

However, do you have other objections to her having one night stands? Such as STI risk, preferring to share sex with someone who has a more limited number of sex partners, or you'd prefer to know her other partners, or you feel that you can't relate to the desire for a ONS and would be more comfortable with a different style of ethical non-monogamy., etc...that is okay to have that preference. Not everyone is comfortable with giving their partner complete freedom/sexual autonomy.

But since she doesn't share your preference, you two are incompatible. You have to figure out if you want to continue a relationship with such a deep incompatibility.
 
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