New to Poly and wantwd advise

Surfer001

New member
Hi everyone ☺

I've recently started a relationship with a Poly, I've read up and spoken about it all.
We have a extremely close relationship, with strong feelings for each other, we are very open about it all and have amazin communication about either views, thoughts and feelings 😊

Her two other partners, are both very open relationships where anyone are open to do what they wish with whom ever they wish, are long distance so once a month or 2 they met, so in the mean time all are free to do as they wish with whom they wish (protected of course)

I've expressed some concerns that I may not be so open to situations like one night stands and as an scenario: if we were out club bar date party etc together and I left to smoke or bathroom etc and came back and found my partner with somone else I may not be able to process that.

Are all Poly relationships like this, by me saying I don't wish for them to do one night stands or flirt get with others when I am there is that controlling or a boundary that takes away the freedom of Poly? As I have been told that by doing this it not what Poly is about.

The other issue I find, again this is mostly down to myself and my own experiences with past partners that brings insecurities up, is that I tend to find when I have my partners attention I got allot of it, but if somone else is there, they go out with friends family or even stay in with friends or someone round, I then have little to no communication, until they are alone again or I pop into they mind as someone bought me up.

Is this all normal traits off Poly?

I ve read all about relationships in Poly, I have no issues with her partners and understand we share time, maybe as I don't do one night stands I find it harder to process, but I also think well if you have these strong feelings for me then do you not think off me when someone else has your view?

Any advice on this would be grateful 😊
 

SlowPoly

Member
Hi everyone ☺

I've recently started a relationship with a Poly, I've read up and spoken about it all.
We have a extremely close relationship, with strong feelings for each other, we are very open about it all and have amazin communication about either views, thoughts and feelings 😊

Her two other partners, are both very open relationships where anyone are open to do what they wish with whom ever they wish, are long distance so once a month or 2 they met, so in the mean time all are free to do as they wish with whom they wish (protected of course)

I've expressed some concerns that I may not be so open to situations like one night stands and as an scenario: if we were out club bar date party etc together and I left to smoke or bathroom etc and came back and found my partner with somone else I may not be able to process that.

Are all Poly relationships like this, by me saying I don't wish for them to do one night stands or flirt get with others when I am there is that controlling or a boundary that takes away the freedom of Poly? As I have been told that by doing this it not what Poly is about.

The other issue I find, again this is mostly down to myself and my own experiences with past partners that brings insecurities up, is that I tend to find when I have my partners attention I got allot of it, but if somone else is there, they go out with friends family or even stay in with friends or someone round, I then have little to no communication, until they are alone again or I pop into they mind as someone bought me up.

Is this all normal traits off Poly?

I ve read all about relationships in Poly, I have no issues with her partners and understand we share time, maybe as I don't do one night stands I find it harder to process, but I also think well if you have these strong feelings for me then do you not think off me when someone else has your view?

Any advice on this would be grateful 😊
Hi, Surfer! It sounds like you have a very enjoyable relationship growing. Congratulations, and I wish you lots of love and learning.

As you will no doubt hear, here and from your partner and other poly folk, there is no rule book about what is poly (or “normal poly”) and what isn’t. The people involved in a relationship can say what they are interested in, and what they aren’t interested in, and what they can and can’t tolerate in partnership.

It’s good that you express about the things that you think will be hard for you to process. It’s also important to understand that other people have their own needs and preferences. You are certainly welcome to have a boundary that you won’t date someone who enjoys “one night stands.” But it’s completely up to your partner whether she is willing to become (temporarily or permanently) someone who doesn’t do one night stands.

It’s a matter of compatibility. You do the work to figure out what your boundaries are, you express them (if you think that information will inform your partner regarding your needs and your mutual compatibility), and then you have the job of enforcing or redefining your boundaries.

If partner isn’t interested in giving up one night stands, and you just can’t find a way to be okay with them? Shake hands and say thank you for the lovely time we had. All relationships end, and some don’t have good enough fit for a long run. That’s okay! Better to see that and try something else than to squish people into boxes that don’t fit. Sometimes love isn’t enough! You can love someone and decide a relationship with them isn’t in the cards.

As for the second concern you bring up, it sounds like you have high needs regarding communication when you aren’t with your partner. Flip that for a minute and imagine how you would feel if, when you are spending time with a partner or friend, they weren’t completely present with you, but were texting and otherwise placating a distant, high-need partner. For me? I usually like the person who is present to be there with me, not half checked out.

My thinking is it would be hard for someone who identifies so closely with another person to feel comfortable in a relationship with someone who gives attention to other partners and friends. In fact, it sounds a little codependent to me, to need to be assured that someone else is thinking of you *all* the time. You might explore those feelings with a willing friend or (probably better) therapist. Codependency can be problematic in healthy monogamous relationships, too.

It sounds like you’re open to evaluating the way your mind works, and learning about yourself and how you might relate to others. I hope you enjoy the exploration, and get okay with the possibility that you might not be cut out for poly relationships. On the other hand, if you do a little work, you might find a new place of security in yourself from which you are better able to maintain healthy relationships, whether monogamous or polyamorous.

Good luck, and look for replies from other perspectives in here. I wish you health!
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Are all Poly relationships like this, by me saying I don't wish for them to do one night stands or flirt get with others when I am there is that controlling or a boundary that takes away the freedom of Poly? As I have been told that by doing this it not what Poly is about.

It is definitely not wrong for you to want not want your partner to ditch you at a party to go bang someone else, and it's not wrong to want them to not hit on people in front of you.
At the same time, it is not wrong for them to want to hit on or hook up with whomever they want, whenever they want.

As with a monogamous relationship, it's important to have relationships that exist according to where the desires of each person line up. So if you don't want to get ditched at a party because your partner hooked up with someone else, you should definitely be with someone who embraces that same requirement. The same is true for someone who wants a no holds barred "I hook up whenever and without warning", they need to be with people who are 100% behind that.

It isn't about right or wrong, and "what poly is about" is what you decide it's about. There is no playbook and you don't have to accept the first relationship that comes your way. If something isn't a good fit, don't wear it around being uncomfortable in it.

The other issue I find, again this is mostly down to myself and my own experiences with past partners that brings insecurities up, is that I tend to find when I have my partners attention I got allot of it, but if somone else is there, they go out with friends family or even stay in with friends or someone round, I then have little to no communication, until they are alone again or I pop into they mind as someone bought me up.

Traditional relationships tend to have consistent contact, and predictable patterns of communication and treatment. Not everyone wants to function that way, and are more of what I might call "free spirit". This person you are hooked up with sounds like they might be a bit further down the free spirit spectrum than you are. That doesn't mean necessarily that it's a bad fit, but it might require you to learn some new skills about dealing with the lack or inconsistency in communication if your intention is to stick with them.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
If partner isn’t interested in giving up one night stands, and you just can’t find a way to be okay with them? Shake hands and say thank you for the lovely time we had. All relationships end, and some don’t have good enough fit for a long run. That’s okay! Better to see that and try something else than to squish people into boxes that don’t fit. Sometimes love isn’t enough! You can love someone and decide a relationship with them isn’t in the cards.

One of my favorite sentiments <3

Just because we care for someone doesn't mean they are a good fit for every type of relationship, and coming to terms with that is an important step in high level adulting.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Each poly grouping has to decide what lines up or not, and how they want to be together if they do decide to try being together. Remember not every potential you try to date is going to be a long haul runner. That's part of what dating is FOR -- to get to know people and figure out the compatible ones.

Some won't make it to first date, and some that are initially compatible won't make it to DEEPLY compatible.

Don't bend yourself into pretzels trying to make a thing work... if it works out naturally, it will.

I've expressed some concerns that I may not be so open to situations like one night stands and as an scenario: if we were out club bar date party etc together and I left to smoke or bathroom etc and came back and found my partner with somone else I may not be able to process that.

It's ok to state where you stand. It's part of the "getting to know you" process.

I wouldn't be into the wandering eye either. If this is supposed to be "our date time" what are they doing checking out and hitting other people? Do that on their own time.

I also dislike spending time with people SOOOO attached to the phone they cannot put it down. I prefer to spend my time with people who can BE PRESENT.

Are all Poly relationships like this, by me saying I don't wish for them to do one night stands or flirt get with others when I am there is that controlling or a boundary that takes away the freedom of Poly? As I have been told that by doing this it not what Poly is about.

"Polyamory" means "many loves."

You can have your own personal boundaries and preferences. If you don't want to do one night stands? Or go out together to wathc each other or flirt and get with others because it's something you both like doing together? You don't have to.

You aren't not taking away any freedoms from anyone. Why is this person trying to "one true way" you or flip things around on you?

If they want to have one night stands their side? That's up to them. Nobody is taking anything away from them.

It is up to you to decide if you feel like dating them or not if they do that. Again... part of what dating is for. To figure out who is compatible and who is not.

I'm a homebody. I wouldn't be into dating someone who loves lots of traveling. Or extreme sports. Nothing wrong with tons of travel or extreme sports. Just not "me." How people feel about casual sex or one night stands? Nothing wrong with wanting that, but if one partner is into that and and the other isn't? That too may be a compatibility issue.

And even if you are poly newbie? You are still the expert on YOU.

YOU decide what you want to put up with and what you don't in your relationships.

Don't let some else tell you that you do "poly" wrong. You might be doing it just right for YOU and what you seek. You don't have to bend yourself into pretzels just to fit what THEY want in an open or poly partner or do poly how they want to do it. What might be right for them may not be right for you.

If it doesn't pan out, it is a bummer. But that's going to happen in the early stages of dating. Some pan out. Some don't. No need to make it a bigger deal than it is. Shakes hands, wish them well, part ways.

As I have been told that by doing this it not what Poly is about.

Well, that's THEIR preference and how THEY practice THEIR poly.

Because how people choose to practice ethical open or poly relationship is up to them? You have to figure out if YOUR style matches up with someone else's style of doing it.

If it doesn't line up? Don't date them any more.

The other issue I find, again this is mostly down to myself and my own experiences with past partners that brings insecurities up,

How are you working on healing this? Are you fit for healthy poly dating at this time or jumping the gun and not doing your personal work first?

If you go around being your own self bully? I think it will be hard to feel proud of doing that behavior and hard to hold yourself in good esteem as a result.

When you treat yourself with self respect, then you can feel proud of your behavior and hold yourself in good esteem.

when I have my partners attention I got allot of it, but if somone else is there, they go out with friends family or even stay in with friends or someone round, I then have little to no communication, until they are alone again or I pop into they mind as someone bought me up.

Is this LDR? Do you mean one particular partner? If so, it may be you are not compatible because you like maintaining some communication/connection even when apart. Where they prefer "relationship of the present" -- like they are here when here. When they are elsewhere, it's they are elsewhere.

Is this all normal traits off Poly?

No. Nothing is "normal" in poly like everyone practicing it the same way. We might all write down the same sentence like "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." But it's all going to look very different since we all have our own unique handwriting.

So when someone tells you that they are "open" or "poly?" You have to calibrate what that means to you and what that means to them. What that looks like for each and how each practices it. Will it align and go together ok enough for dating each other? Or does it not align and best to STOP dating? Skip any banging head on walls or square peg/round hole stuff. Best to acknowledge it is not a good fit rather than either one bending all into pretzels just to keep it going.

Not exhaustive, but several examples of open models. They are not all the same.

I ve read all about relationships in Poly, I have no issues with her partners and understand we share time, maybe as I don't do one night stands I find it harder to process, but I also think well if you have these strong feelings for me then do you not think off me when someone else has your view?

I do not understand this sentence as writtten. Could you please be willing to clarify? I do better with nicknames. Let's pretend your new partner is called "Apple." Are you trying to say something like....

"I've read all about poly relationships. I have no issues with Apple's other partners. I understand we all share her time. Maybe since I don't do one night stands, I find Apple doing them harder to process. But I also think that if Apple has strong feelings for me... does Apple even think about me when she's keeping company with one of her other partner's?"

If so... and since you have "amazing communication?" Could ask Apple direct. Apple is the only one who can answer you accurately.

Galagirl
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
The above answers were great. But speaking just for myself, I wouldn't mind if one of my partners had fun flirting with someone else at a party, even if I wasn't out for a smoke or a bathroom break. They could do it while they sat beside me, or across the room. But I wouldn't want to feel like they ignored me completely when we were on "our date," of course! I'd want at least equal time. If he wanted to go out on his own and do that kind of thing, great. But if it's supposed to be "our" date, then I don't want to feel like, "Why am I even here?"

I have had the experience of going to a dance thing twice with a certain partner, only to have him lavish attention on this other woman and her husband, whom he was deeply crushing on, basically ignoring me the entire time. And when we left in my car, he spent the drive home just talking about them and how great they were. Ugh. It was so self-centered. Sure, he was in NRE, but it was so extreme and so uncaring about my feelings of being "lesser than." I actually broke it off with that guy not long after that behavior. He was acting more like a serial monogamist than a polyamorous person at that point, just keeping me around as a back-up, or for convenience.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Surfer001,

Poly has many possible configurations, not wanting an ONS or flirting is just one of them. All that matters is whether you and your girlfriend are compatible; that is, do you want the same things out of poly? Also, are you okay with her attention being elsewhere? such as with family, friends, or even lovers? You have to decide what you can go along with.

All the information on this thread is good so far. I hope you will find it helpful.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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