Advice on relationship

[Cece]

Hello everyone,

I'm not new to polyamory, but have not a lot of experience in the dating part.

It's been three months since I have been dating someone. In the initial stages of talking, he (Bass) mentioned he was able to give about 40% of his time, that he had another partner (Sage) overseas, and a nesting partner (Mulie), that is monogamous, and that he has kids with.

The first couple of weeks were going really well. We were texting a lot, having great dates, and wanting to take it slow. Now I'm asking for an overnight, and it's not possible. He mentioned that they (Bass and Mulie) have been doing polyamory for many years already, since the beginning. But somehow it doesn't show in practise??

I like my alone time, so I don't mind, and have another partner that is long distance. But when talking to Bass, I was dating with intent to build a relationship, and not just have him date and go home every time...

How to deal with someone that pretended to be okay with polyamory and suddenly is backtracking? I'm getting snippets of time. It feels more like 10% instead of 40%...

Why insist on dating someone if you don't have time and space? Just stick to monogamy, if you have so little. Or just date Mulie and Sage. Why overpromise?

Is it worrying that he didn't say he is married to Mulie, but called her his partner instead of wife? I found out later on the first date when he was wearing a wedding ring. Usually I don't mind when someone calls someone a partner, but I'm feeling he's leaving out information to make himself more desirable to date???

Please share some experience from anyone who has been dating a poly with a mono partner.

Thanks
CC

 

[Evie]

"How to deal with someone that pretended to be okay with polyamory and suddenly is back tracking?"

You weed them out. He doesn't want/can't give what you want, therefore he's not a compatible dating partner.

 

[Musso]

Even if he doesn't want to be with someone else overnight, it can still be polyamorous. I'll let the others correct me if I'm wrong. Or maybe it's because I'm more like a relationship anarchist but to me we can all chose the type of relationship we want to have with different people.

However, he has to talk to you about it, especially if it turns out to be an arrangement he has with the other partner and knows he could never be overnight with you. That would not be polyamory.

If I were you I'd ask if I can meet his partner. I'd always find it weird to not know them in person. [I'm editing this again. I say this as a personal preference but I don't know if it's the way to go for everybody. I just like full transparency and connection with everybody involved.]

 

[Cece]

"How to deal with someone that pretended to be okay with polyamory and suddenly is back tracking?"

You weed them out. He doesn't want/can't give what you want, therefore he's not a compatible dating partner.

Why say that you can? There seems to be a lot of (mind)space for attention, wanting to check-in on me, just not physical-time.

 

[Cece]

Even if he doesn't want to be with someone else overnight, it can still be polyamorous. I'll let the others correct me if I'm wrong. Or maybe it's because I'm more like a relationship anarchist but to me we can all chose the type of relationship we want to have with different people.

However, he has to talk to you about it, especially if it turns out to be an arrangement he has with the other partner and knows he could never be overnight with you. That would not be polyamory.

If I were you I'd ask if I can meet his partner. I'd always find it weird to not know them in person. [I'm editing this again. I say this as a personal preference but I don't know if it's the way to go for everybody. I just like full transparency and connection with everybody involved.]

Do you mean Sage? Yes, they do overnights when he's visiting her, and when she's back here. She's also polyamorous, and while I never met her, we have some acquaintances in common and she's cool.

Bass and Mulie do parallel poly. Mulie and I exchanged some messages in case of emergency, but I'm not feeling the compersion or poly friendliness coming from her side, so I'd like to keep my distance, as well. I just don't see a point of having someone in my private space if they don't want me there, anyway.

 

[Musso]

When you say it's not possible to have an overnight, did he give you the reason? I thought he couldn't because of an agreement with Mulie, but then I don't understand why he can't with you, if he can with Sage.

 

[Evie]

Why say that you can? There seems to be a lot of (mind)space for attention, wanting to check-in on me, just not physical-time.

Then I guess it depends how important physical time is to you.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Cece,

Bass should be willing to do an overnight with you, even if it's only once in a great while. Tell him you need him to find a way. Also you need him to give you the 40% that he promised. It seems to me that he has double-booked himself, it wasn't a wise decision on his part, but now the decision has been made, and it is time for him to take responsibility for it. I'm not sure he's being honest with you.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

I disagree that you need to pressure Bass for an overnight. I see you feel it would improve your pleasure, mood, sense of status, to have him stay put in your bed and sleep next to you after sex. You don't want to feel like it's wham, bam, thank you, Ma'am, perhaps?

(BTW, men will promise anything to get in your pants. 40% becoming 10% doesn't surprise me.)

But Bass has a live-in partner (an actual wife) and kids! Multiple kids. How many? What are their ages?

When I had very young kids (and I had three kids in five years with my ex-h), I darn well preferred my (now ex) husband be home for bedtime. I didn't always get this. I put up with it when he was very busy with work, and needed to work overtime during "crunch time" (high tech company), or travel for work occasionally. He was providing for our family, which enabled me to be a SAHM when the kids were small. Fine.

But when he attempted to start doing monthly overnights/long weekends with his new gf when our kids were tweens, young teens, and we opened our relationship, I began to resent it. I didn't need his actual help with bedtime anymore (snacks, teeth, baths, jammies, stories, quiet talks and cuddles before lights-out), but he began missing out on important milestones of our adolescents. Not to mention we had a dog to walk, cat boxes to change, laundry to be done, clutter to pick up, groceries to be bought and put away, meals to be made, homework the kids needed help with, yard work, auto maintenance, teen dramas, etc., etc. You know, adulting.

I really began to resent him "running off" to his (single, child-free) gf regularly for long intimate walks and talks, lovely special dates, uninterrupted conversation and sex, as if he were a single man on monthly mini-vacations, and I was the constant house-elf drudge. It sucked!

After our marriage ended, and I began to date polyamorously, I actually began to avoid dads with kids, because while they might have been lovely, I didn't find them to be good candidates for the kind of relationship I wanted. I didn't want to be part of him "cheating" his spouse and kids out of his focused intimacy that they needed. It felt wrong. And it wasn't satisfying for me. It was sad. I remember especially one wonderful man... we really really liked each other, but I broke it off because he was in a blended family, 2nd wife, 5 kids between them (shared custody with their exes), and another one of their own soon on the way.

Anyway, those are my experiences and the choices I needed to make.

 

[Jeambo]

When he says 40%, how much time is the 100%? maybe the night is not included in the 100% from the beginning...

Could you spend a night together at his home with Mulie and the kids? I mean you may sleep alone (on the sofa or somewhere else in their house) but you do have a share night at a shared place. That would be a good begining.

Of course it's not easy for them to accept that, but you may ask for a home dinner with them at the first times, and after some dinners, when you are no stranger to the kids, you may ask for a sleepover.

BTW, how much does Mulie know of you? Polyamory needs transparency. Is it possible to meet Mulie and talk directly to her? I wonder if Bass is a good interpreter that can tell you what Mulie thinks and how did they reach an agreement. It's better to ask Mulie about her boundaries and the rules they've made. You may tell her what you want. If there are conflictions between you, then Bass, as the hinge in the poly setup, shall stand out and take the responsibility to coordinate metamours. Will he stay out with you at the price of disappointing Mulie, or will he insist on their agreements and tell you it's never possible at the price of disappointing you?

Good luck!

 

[GalaGirl]

I don’t know if this helps you. FWIW, these things really stuck out to me.

He mentioned he was able to give about 40% of his time… he has another partner overseas and a nesting partner that is monogamous, and has kids with.

Okay — he was up-front about having other partners. But he wasn’t up-front about being married to one of them before you met in person. And honestly… what does “40% of my time” even mean, in practical terms?

Is that just for now, because he happens to be on vacation and it will change when he’s back at work? Or is that his actual baseline? When dating, it’s much clearer to talk in concrete amounts like “1–2 dates a week” or “one overnight a month.” That’s something both people can understand and measure.

“40% of my free time” doesn’t tell you anything real.

So I’d ask yourself: How many dates and/or overnights per week or month do you need to feel happy, connected, and willing to keep participating? You need to know your own wants and needs first.

I’d also ask what he means by “monogamous nesting partner with kids.” Does she have the option to date others, but just chooses not to right now, and only dates him? Or does she not have the option at all? Are the kids hers, his, or shared? How is he able to give you 40% of his time when there are kids to raise? These are reasonable clarity questions to ask a potential.

You asked for an overnight and he said it’s not possible.

Notice I’m setting aside the stuff about how long he and his other partners have “done poly.” Honestly, that’s irrelevant. You’re not dating them. What matters is how he actually practices polyamory with you. Do you suspect this is poly under duress for the nesting partner/wife?

At three months in, you’re still figuring out whether he’s compatible with the relationship style you want.

If it were me, I’d politely bow out, because he doesn’t meet what I look for: clarity, decisiveness, transparency, and realistic expectations.

You’re allowed to have your own personal standards for what you want in a healthy dating partner. If he doesn’t meet them, then he simply doesn’t make the cut.

YOU get to decide what you will and won’t put up with in your relationships.

Galagirl

 

[GalaGirl]

Could you spend a night together at his home with Mulie and the kids? I mean you may sleep alone (on the sofa or somewhere else in their house), but you do have a share night at a shared place. That would be a good beginning.

I respectfully disagree that it would be a good beginning.

I’m not leaving my cozy house to sleep on a couch in some monogamous lady's home with kids afoot. What FOR?

I’m not going to spend the night in a house with a nesting partner and kids when I’m only three months into dating someone — especially when the nesting partner is monogamous. That’s intrusive, not my responsibility, not my comfort zone, and not an appropriate workaround for him being unable to offer overnights.

If he can’t provide the time, privacy, or logistics for the type of connection I want, then we simply aren’t compatible.

I’m not going to shoehorn myself into their household to make up for his lack of availability. I’m not going to pretzel myself around him. I'm not into getting scraps.

GG

 

[Cece]

When you say it's not possible to have an overnight, did he give you the reason? I thought he couldn't because of an agreement with Mulie, but then I don't understand why he can't with you, if he can with Sage.

I thought I didn't need to ask because Sage has overnights and we were going the same direction. He told me because Sage is overseas and comes here he can do overnights, but because I live here, he can't. Sage is from here, so I don't really understand his reasoning. Somehow it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Do you think I should talk to Sage about it? From our mutual people, she seems like she does poly well and is willing to talk. I feel like Bass is not fully open about everything.

 

[Cece]

When he says 40%, how much time is the 100%? maybe the night is not included in the 100% from the beginning...

Could you spend a night together at his home with Mulie and the kids? I mean you may sleep alone (on the sofa or somewhere else in their house) but you do have a share night at a shared place. That would be a good begining.

Of course it's not easy for them to accept that, but you may ask for a home dinner with them at the first times, and after some dinners, when you are no stranger to the kids, you may ask for a sleepover.

BTW, how much does Mulie know of you? Polyamory needs transparency. Is it possible to meet Mulie and talk directly to her? I wonder if Bass is a good interpreter that can tell you what Mulie thinks and how did they reach an agreement. It's better to ask Mulie about her boundaries and the rules they've made. You may tell her what you want. If there are conflictions between you, then Bass, as the hinge in the poly setup, shall stand out and take the responsibility to coordinate metamours. Will he stay out with you at the price of disappointing Mulie, or will he insist on their agreements and tell you it's never possible at the price of disappointing you?

Good luck!

Mulie is monogamous and they have a nuclear family set-up and then Bass does parallel with Sage and me. So we usually go either to a hotel, or to my place, but goes home at the end of the evening.

She knows I'm dating him, we exchanged numbers for emergency, and for the rest it's out of my control what he tells her. It's not really my business. I'm also not really interested in telling someone to be a good hinge. When talking he said he had X time and they have been doing polyamory for years. Then ofcourse through my eyes, overnights shouldn't be a problem.

 

[Cece]

I don’t know if this helps you. FWIW, these things really stuck out to me.



Okay — he was up-front about having other partners. But he wasn’t up-front about being married to one of them before you met in person. And honestly… what does “40% of my time” even mean, in practical terms?

Is that just for now, because he happens to be on vacation and it will change when he’s back at work? Or is that his actual baseline? When dating, it’s much clearer to talk in concrete amounts like “1–2 dates a week” or “one overnight a month.” That’s something both people can understand and measure.

We are seeing each other 1 or 2 nights a week. In the initial stages of talking I asked how his situation looked like, and I would want to date him with the intention of building and longterm. He agreed. If one tells me that he does overnights with another partner, I don't think I need to question much for overnights (or so I thought??).

“40% of my free time” doesn’t tell you anything real.

So I’d ask yourself: How many dates and/or overnights per week or month do you need to feel happy, connected, and willing to keep participating? You need to know your own wants and needs first.

1 overnight would be nice, perhaps transforming into 2 down the line.

I’d also ask what he means by “monogamous nesting partner with kids.” Does she have the option to date others, but just chooses not to right now, and only dates him? Or does she not have the option at all? Are the kids hers, his, or shared? How is he able to give you 40% of his time when there are kids to raise? These are reasonable clarity questions to ask a potential.

She does have the option, but doesn't. They are her kids, ages 5 and 8, and they have nannies. She is not cooped up in the house taking majority of the child care load because she has a career of her own.

You asked for an overnight and he said it’s not possible.

It's just the misrepresentation.

Notice I’m setting aside the stuff about how long he and his other partners have “done poly.” Honestly, that’s irrelevant. You’re not dating them. What matters is how he actually practices polyamory with you. Do you suspect this is poly under duress for the nesting partner/wife?

Thanks, I understand. It's hard to tell if it is under duress, don't think so, they have been doing it for years and he said is dating Sage for couple years now, so I thought everything was fine. Mulie and I exchanged brief messages. Without a trace of warmth nonetheless. That's hardly under duress when someone consents even over the phone.

At three months in, you’re still figuring out whether he’s compatible with the relationship style you want.

If it were me, I’d politely bow out, because he doesn’t meet what I look for: clarity, decisiveness, transparency, and realistic expectations.

I thought I had all these things in the beginning after longwinded conversations. In practise it seems different.

You’re allowed to have your own personal standards for what you want in a healthy dating partner. If he doesn’t meet them, then he simply doesn’t make the cut.

YOU get to decide what you will and won’t put up with in your relationships.

Galagirl

 

[Cece]

If one tells me they want something longterm with intend to build, overnights are automatically the baseline.

 

[Musso]

It doesn't make a ton of sense to me either that Sage can do overnight with him but not you.

It wouldn't hurt to talk to Sage for sure if they're cool but really the problem comes from Mulie who doesn't seem to want to have contact and discuss boundaries with you so it's hard to feel that everything is transparent. It doesn't help that she's not poly and you wonder if she's standing the situation rather than joyfully accepting it.

It also sounds like Bass is not fully transparent and communicative in all that.

 

[Tinwen]

You will have to talk to him. This might be a misunderstanding, a mismatch in expectations that can be cleared, or major incompatibility.

 

[Musso]

If one tells me they want something longterm with intend to build, overnights are automatically the baseline.

You are right that most would think that way. However I wouldn't assume or take anything for granted in polyamory. You have all the rights to desire this basic need but I think you should have a serious conversation with Bass to make it clear how important it is for you. Considering that it doesn't seem that important to him he might not even realize to what extent it hurts you.

 

[Tinwen]

I'd be careful about expecting any baselines in ENM, though.