Advice: Partner Asked to Date My Best Friend, Relationship Thrown into Turmoil

[Triadlove177]

I'm currently in a three-person relationship. I (34m) and my partner M (33f) have been married 8 years, together 15 years. We started dating a third, partner S (31f), about 2 years ago.

M and I have had a lot of extramarital sexual experiences during our 15 years together. This is our first time actually dating another person together. Partner S requested that we keep the relationship closed, that we be serious about having a commitment ceremony, and living alone together (we currently have a roommate who was my best friend, until these recent events), buying a forever home together. I think we have been actively working towards these requests and had been talking to my friend (we'll call him V) about moving out at the beginning of next year. One other piece of important background information: about a year ago, S and V had a huge falling-out, because he was using her for emotional support and wouldn't respect her boundaries when she wasn't emotionally available for him to vent to.

About two months ago, while I was on a month-long work trip, she decided to try and make up with him to make things easier for me. They became attached at the hip while I was gone and he confessed to her that he loved her. She said she realized she had feelings for him and stopped the conversation, saying she needed to talk to M and me.

S told each of us separately that she and V realized they had romantic feelings for each other and asked us how we would feel if they pursued that. She clarified some things through discussions. She still wants S, M, and me to be together. She wants the relationship to stay closed, except that she gets to date V. V might still move out, but she didn't seem confident about that anymore. She thinks it would be valuable for V to move with us to another state. She wants M and me to not directly talk to V about anything related to the relationship. Her words were that there would be a wall between V and us. We'd talk to her and she'd talk to V.

M and I told S we did not want this for our relationship. S has shut down emotionally and left to see family for a couple of weeks. S stating this made her realize that she actually has a lot of problems with our relationship. M and I have separately contacted V about talking this out, since we're friends. He told me that he has a lot to process and demanded I never stay up late with S, ever again. (S and I had a few conversations that went until 4am about her question.) V hasn't talked to me or M since. S also canceled all of our future plans, including our anniversary. She stated: why plan for it if we might not want to stay together?

Lastly, we did finally get her to agree to group therapy when she returns.

Has anyone had something like this happen to them? Any advice or insight into what S is dealing with and why she won't talk to us more than about how our days are going and an occasional meme or pet photo? It's been devastating, for M and me at least. Apparently S is extremely stressed over this. She hasn't told us anything about what she wants or what she needs.

 

[Evie]

she thinks it would be valuable for V to move with us to another state, and that M and myself would not directly talk to V about anything related to the relationship, her words were that there would be a wall between V and us and we talk to her and she talks to V.

Just one really quick 2 cents... parallel poly while living under one roof doesn't seem like a recipe for success.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm currently in a three-person relationship. I (34m) and my partner Mary (33f) have been married 8 years, together 15 years. We started dating a third, partner Sue (31f), about 2 years ago.

Instead of initials, it's easier for your readers to keep track of everything with actual nicknames.

Mary and I have had a lot of extramarital sexual experiences during our 15 years together. This is our first time actually dating another person together. Partner Sue requested that we keep the relationship closed, that we be serious about having a commitment ceremony, and living alone together (we currently have a roommate who was my best friend, until these recent events), buying a forever home together. I think we have been actively working towards these requests and had been talking to my friend (we'll call him Vic) about moving out at the beginning of next year. One other piece of important background information: about a year ago, Sue and Vic had a huge falling-out, because he was using her for emotional support and wouldn't respect her boundaries when she wasn't emotionally available for him to vent to.

About two months ago, while I was on a month-long work trip, Sue decided to try and make up with Vic to make things easier for me. They became attached at the hip while I was gone and he confessed to her that he loved her. She said she realized she had feelings for him and stopped the conversation, saying she needed to talk to Mary and me.

Sue told each of us separately that she and Vic realized they had romantic feelings for each other and asked us how we would feel if they pursued that. She clarified some things through discussions. She still wants Sue, Mary, and me to be together. She wants the relationship to stay closed, except that she gets to date Vic. He might still move out, but she didn't seem confident about that anymore. She thinks it would be valuable for Vic to move with us to another state. She wants Mary and me to not directly talk to Vic about anything related to the relationship. Her words were that there would be a wall between Vic and us. We'd talk to her and she'd talk to Vic.

Mary and I told Sue we did not want this for our relationship. Sue has shut down emotionally and left to see family for a couple of weeks. Sue stating this made her realize that she actually has a lot of problems with our relationship. Mary and I have separately contacted Vic about talking this out, since we're friends. He told me that he has a lot to process and demanded I never stay up late with Sue, ever again. (Sue and I had a few conversations that went until 4am about her question.) Vic hasn't talked to me or Mary since. Sue also canceled all of our future plans, including our anniversary. She stated: why plan for it if we might not want to stay together?

Lastly, we did finally get her to agree to group therapy when she returns.

Has anyone had something like this happen to them? Any advice or insight into what Sue is dealing with and why she won't talk to us more than about how our days are going and an occasional meme or pet photo? It's been devastating, for Mary and me, at least. Apparently Sue is extremely stressed over this. She hasn't told us anything about what she wants or what she needs.

Triads are hard to do. I wonder if Sue wasn't really happy being a shared gf. How experienced in poly is she? Maybe she prefers to have a mono relationship, with Vic, now, in particular.

Often relationships that seem good don't make it past the NRE stage. It can be unwise to move someone in before a good year or two of dating.

Some poly people also put dating one's good friends on the "no-go" list for their partner(s). We also call this the "messy list." Don't date my sister, my mom, my best friend, my brother, my coworker, my boss, things like that.

It's a shame that Vic and Sue have shut down. It's likely they are both feeling guilty, jealous, confused, disloyal, you name it.

You might end up losing Sue as a partner and Vic as a friend over this. I am sorry it's gotten so hard.

I don't have much advice right now, just sympathy.

 

[Triadlove177]

Instead of initials, it's easier for your readers to keep track of everything with actual nicknames.

Triads are hard to do. I wonder if Sue wasn't really happy being a shared gf. How experienced in poly is she? Maybe she prefers to have a mono relationship, with Vic, now, in particular.

Often relationships that seem good don't make it past the NRE stage. It can be unwise to move someone in before a good year or two of dating.

Some poly people also put dating one's good friends on the "no go" list for their partner(s). We call this the messy list. Don't date my sister, my mom, my best friend, my brother, my coworker, my boss, things like that.

It's a shame that Vic and Sue have shut down. It's likely they are both feeling guilty, jealous, confused, disloyal, you name it.

You might end up losing Sue as a partner and Vic as a friend over this. I am sorry it's gotten so hard.

I don't have much advice right now, just sympathy.

Thank you for all the feedback. I'll make sure to use nicknames next time. We have relationship therapy set up in a little over a week with a therapist who claims to be experienced and supportive of LGBTQ and Poly relationships, so maybe that will work things out.

I did tell Sue that part of the reason it was a no-go was her choice. I'm actually pretty upset at times about Vic, who I've let live with me for 6 years, helped through a break-up and his dad's death, who said he would never do a poly relationship, then went and confessed he had feelings for Sue and never talked to me or (I guess we'll call her) Mary. Also upset that Sue would ask me about the two of them dating without thinking about my friendship with Vic.

I don't think I can be friends with him or be ok with the two of them dating after the way he talked to me. Seems like he is very willing to go behind my back and take sides without talking to me about things.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Triadlove177,

This whole situation sounds quite messy to me, I am inclined to suggest that you break up with Sue, and start over with (a) new partner/s, after you and Mary date (preferably separately) some more. Also I suggest you give Vic one month's notice, in which he will be legally required to move out. He's not your best friend anymore, he and Sue should live together elsewhere. I mean that is what I suggest, you don't have to do it. I just think there is a huge mess on the floor, and someone needs to clean it. If no one else will do that, it's kind of up to you.

Sorry this is happening,
Kevin T.

 

[Triadlove177]

Hello Triadlove177,

This whole situation sounds quite messy to me, I am inclined to suggest that you break up with Sue, and start over with (a) new partner/s, after you and Mary date (preferably separately) some more. Also I suggest you give Vic one month's notice, in which he will be legally required to move out. He's not your best friend anymore, he and Sue should live together elsewhere. I mean that is what I suggest, you don't have to do it. I just think there is a huge mess on the floor, and someone needs to clean it. If no one else will do that, it's kind of up to you.

Sorry this is happening,
Kevin T.

I wouldn't say you're wrong on any point, but we did get therapy lined up for next week and scheduled 3 more sessions after that in advance. Sue is currently agreeing to go. So it may not work out, but hopefully therapy will at least get everyone to be honest with one another.

I appreciate the reply.

 

[kdt26417]

Yes, give the therapy a chance to work before deciding whether to break up ... a lot of that should depend on whether Sue cooperates. On the other hand, Vic continues to be a big problem.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm glad you set up counseling. I hope it helps you process.

I could be wrong in my impressions, but FWIW, I think it's kinda weird how Sue wanted all these big promises so early into the triad.
- She wants you and Mary to only date her, while she is free to date Vic.
- She wants everyone to live together, whereas before she wanted Vic to move out.
- She wants to keep a "wall" up, where she's the go-between. You and Mary cannot talk to Vic. You have to go "through" Sue. It's like she wants some kind of "Queen Bee" set-up, with herself at the center.
- And Vic doesn't want you staying up late with Sue.

I honestly think it might be best to let both Sue and Vic go. End your relationships with them. They each seem to be kind of "hovering" over the other one. It's sounding pretty weird. All of you living together in that weirdness doesn't sound healthy or great to me.

Galagirl

 

[Triadlove177]

I did learn some new details finally, before our therapy later this week. Turns out I was being lied to, which was pretty hurtful, and the result of me being lied to was causing them some pain/discomfort and anger.

The demand that Vic made about not staying up late with Sue was likely because Sue didn't actually want to stay up late talking, with me asking her about dating Vic. Sue had just had elective surgerym with a recovery time of 2 days to a week, depending on who she talked to at the hospital, so even I was concerned about staying up with her. That being said, I asked for permission to talk, and regularly asked her if she wanted to stop the conversation so she could rest, but was constantly told "No, I'm not really going to sleep yet, anyway." Well, I was told by her this week that she was just lying because she was too exhausted to tell me she didn't want to talk.

She was really pissed during this conversation that "I" had kept her up, and when I brought up that I tried to spend time with her without talking about it, yet she wouldn't leave it alone, she said, "You should have put your foot down, then."

I think she was talking to Vic and telling him how I was forcing her to stay up, so he had specifically told me "Never hold Sue up late ever again. No one asked you to do that." That was the last thing he said to me.

Considering the dishonesty to me and Vic from Sue, and the resulting falling-out of our friendship. I'm not sure this is a relationship Mary or I should stay in.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Triadlove177,

I'm sorry your relationship with Sue isn't working out right now. As for Vic, he stepped over the line, and now he's the one who won't talk to you? Not cool. Vic and Sue are both acting shitty about the night when *she* elected to stay up late. I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to sever both of them from your life.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[Bobbi]

You cannot have communication with someone that refuses to communicate with you. Without honest communication you have no relationship.

 

[Albert Ross]

She was really pissed during this conversation that "I" had kept her up, and when I brought up that I tried to spend time with her without talking about it and she wouldn't leave it alone she said "you should have put your foot down then."

This is not a reasonable way for an adult to behave. How obnoxious!

I'm not sure this is a relationship Mary or I should stay in.

Indeed, Sue and Vic sound like perhaps they take a lot more than they give.

 

[GalaGirl]

That being said, I asked for permission to talk, and regularly asked her if she wanted to stop the conversation so she could rest, but was constantly told "no, I'm not really going to sleep yet anyway." Well I was told by her this week that she was just lying because she was too exhausted to tell me she didn't want to talk.

It seems like it would have been faster for Sue to be honest at any of those checkpoints, and say, "I'm not going to sleep, but I'm too tired to have this talk now."

She was really pissed during this conversation that "I" had kept her up, and when I brought up that I tried to spend time with her without talking about it, yet she wouldn't leave it alone, she said, "You should have put your foot down then."

What? Do the thing she didn't want to do herself?

Are you getting a lot of this, where she flips things around on you? You are responsible for everything and she gets to slide and avoid taking personal responsibility?

It reminds me of DARVO: deny, attack, reverse the victim order.

Considering the dishonesty to me and Vic from Sue, and the resulting falling-out of our friendship. I'm not sure this is a relationship Mary or I should stay in.

Yes, it's too weird here, with a lot of dishonesty. You could bow out and skip any more of this weirdness.

Galagirl

 

[Triadlove177]

It seems like it would have been faster for Sue to be honest at any of those checkpoints, and say, "I'm not going to sleep, but I'm too tired to have this talk now."



What? Do the thing she didn't want to do herself?

Are you getting a lot of this, where she flips things around on you? You are responsible for everything and she gets to slide and avoid taking personal responsibility?

It reminds me of DARVO: deny, attack, reverse the victim order.



Yes, it's too weird here, with a lot of dishonesty. You could bow out and skip any more of this weirdness.

Galagirl

That is some really interesting information. I've never heard of DARVO before. It isn't uncommon that when Sue feels slighted, she believes it to be intentional and malicious. There's rarely much middle ground to be had.

After a few therapy sessions and several letters from me, recommended by the therapist, she finally opened up about our talks. We were having two wildly different conversations. I made some statements that I felt like our time was really limited lately because of work and all 3 of us had expressed needing more time together and needed more effort for our needs to be met, without any argument to the contrary, so I felt like it was a bad time to open the relationship because we needed more time together; that I didn't think only opening it for her and Vic was fair; that I felt like she didn't consider my feelings before asking to change our relationship, or my feelings about her changing my relationship with my friend.

She said I was jealous, controlling, and entitled; that what I said wasn't love or polyamory; that I had a sense of ownership; that I thought I had a right to her time, autonomy, and her body; and that she was scared of me in that moment. She also said that I should have looked at her and known she wasn't okay, and ended the conversation; that I was the one in a place of power, even though I regularly stopped the conversation to see if she would like to end it for the night; asked for permission to talk to her beforehand; and when I didn't want to talk, she pushed me to talk.

Guys, it has been a wild month and a half, and I might only be here to be able to just get some of this off my chest, maybe get a little community support.

I actually left the house and got a hotel after reading that she said she was scared of me, at least on those nights, and that she doesn't know who I am. The idea that I might be giving her discomfort or pain made me head straight out to try and give her space.

Thank you to everyone who read my comments and offered their own insight and advice. It's appreciated.

 

[kdt26417]

I'm guessing your relationship with Sue is very painful right now. It isn't fun to know that someone was (is?) afraid of you. I hope the therapist is able to help.

 

[GalaGirl]

It isn't uncommon that when Sue feels slighted, she believes it to be intentional and malicious. There's rarely much middle ground to be had.

Like "feelings are fact?" If she feels attacked, you must be attacking?

She also said that I should have looked at her and known she wasn't okay, and ended the conversation;

So she wants you to read her mind?

that I was the one in a place of power, even though I regularly stopped the conversation to see if she would like to end it for the night; asked for permission to talk to her beforehand; and when I didn't want to talk, she pushed me to talk.

This all sounds weird, like she's dysregulated and up and down. I hope the therapist is able to help you.

Guys, it has been a wild month and a half, and I might only be here to be able to just get some of this off my chest, maybe get a little community support.

I'm glad venting here helps you some.

I actually left the house and got a hotel after reading that she said she was scared of me, at least on those nights, and that she doesn't know who I am. The idea that I might be giving her discomfort or pain made me head straight out to try and give her space.

That is probably for the best. YOU need space away from HER, as well.

Considering the dishonesty to me and Vic from Sue, and the resulting falling-out of our friendship. I'm not sure this is a relationship Mary or I should stay in.

I think you called it. This doesn't sound healthy or great. So if she wants to date Vic now, it's okay if you prefer to bow out, end things with both, and process what happened in therapy.

Galagirl

 

[bija]

To me therapy sounds like a great idea.
Even though it sounds likely things will need to change form people could learn something, better hear one another, and part ways in greater harmony.

In other words maybe therapy could create more growth / understanding / compassion / self-reflection out of what could otherwise just feel like a failure, regardless of the outcome.