advice please? new relationship potentially ended by parent

[ktpoet]

My bf and I have known each other for 12 years. We've been dating/engaged for 2, living together for 1. We've been poly pretty much the whole time but only recently started seeking other relationships. He's straight, I'm pansexual. We both thought it would be awesome if we found someone who clicked with both of us, but realized that was nearly impossible, so we weren't actually looking for it. But somehow, he found her. She's perfect for us, from what I can tell so far. We've only had one date, but it was awesome and things were going swimmingly. We're all in our mid-20s. She still lives with her mother because of health problems which keep her from being able to drive. Today she told her mom about the three of us. And now she says that she might not be able to see us anymore. Any advice? She's old enough to make decisions for her own life, but at the same time she can't really against her mom if she's living in her house. The relationship isn't even a week old, but I had such high hopes for it. Advice or similar tales are greatly appreciated.

 

[IndieSolo]

Yes, she's old enough to make her own life choices, and it sounds like that is what she's doing. None of you may like it, but if she depends on her mother and doesn't have many other options, she probably feels it is better to take the easy way out than make it harder on herself. Either that, or she is blaming her mother instead of owning up to just not wanting to continue. Both scenarios, she IS making her own choice. It has only been a week - not a relationship yet and you don't actually know whether she is "perfect" for you or not. You barely know her at all! I think you should just wish her well and move on. Be grateful this disappointment happened so early on before you got attached.

 

[LoveBunny]

Obviously and not surprisingly, you're assessment of someone you've only known a week was incorrect. She isn't "perfect" for you, as she does not/cannot embrace the lifestyle you live in. Her mommy told her no, and that's that. Wish her the best and move forward.

 

[ktpoet]

I think I misspoke. I meant to say that she seems perfect, like, on paper we all match up really well. Obviously it's only been a week and I can't know anything for sure. She's still wanting to continue the relationship. My concern comes into not wanting to be responsible for getting her kicked out of her house or coming between her relationship with her family.

 

[GalaGirl]

My concern comes into not wanting to be responsible for getting her kicked out of her house or coming between her relationship with her family.

Simplest solution? Don't date her at this time. Postpone.

Tell her you would love to date when she is living on her own so you can be free of that worry. She can look you up then at that point in time. Then back off.

She gets to a place where that happens or not. That part is up to her.

In the meanwhile? Keep dating other people.

Galagirl

 

[IndieSolo]

I think I misspoke. I meant to say that she seems perfect, like, on paper we all match up really well. Obviously it's only been a week and I can't know anything for sure. She's still wanting to continue the relationship. My concern comes into not wanting to be responsible for getting her kicked out of her house or coming between her relationship with her family.

Well then, the answer is clear - back off. Seems the only ethical thing to do at this stage.

 

[GreenAcres]

This is an issue she needs to either work out with her mother, or work on extricating herself from. There are services that provide rides the those with health issue or who are otherwise disabled, etc.; but, until such a time as she deals with things on her end, she isn't going to be able to function in an adult relationship (poly or otherwise, since it sounds like her mom has "veto" power on her relationships). Let her know she can contact you if/when her situation changes, and move on for now.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi ktpoet,

Sounds like your girlfriend's mom has a lot of power over her. That's unfortunate. I don't know what to suggest, since this would be way too soon to be moving her into your own domicile.

 

[Magdlyn]

Gosh, why on earth did she tell her ill mother that she had had one date with an engaged couple and was attracted to (had sex with?) both at once?

Sounds like she has got boundary issues. Coming out as engaging in poly practices (dating a couple is just one way to go [and not the most successful way]) takes a lot of consideration and forethought. Sounds like this young woman just blurted it out to her mother, and now is suffering the consequences of that.

Being poly takes a lot of maturity and finesse. I'd say she is in no way "perfect" as dating material for you two, at this time.

 

[sparklepop]

Hi

It's always disappointing when we feel that we've FINALLY met someone who might be exactly what we've been looking for and something is stopping that from evolving.

Just because you've only had one date, it doesn't mean that this woman *isn't* as good a fit as you think (at least in terms of personality and so on).

However, there is always a good chance that she might not be! Truly, it's way, way too early to tell on the first date. Relationship compatibility is about so much more than initial chemistry, even if it all seems good on paper! Hell, sometimes it can take years to realise you're not really as good a fit with someone as you thought you were. I met someone last year who I'd never had that kind of connection with on a first date. The same could be said for the dates that followed. It still didn't work out.

I think the best thing you can do here is to respect the situation she's chosen to be in and don't push it. There's nothing to say that you can't register your interest in her and tell her that your door is always open in the future if she finds herself in a different position.