Advice please

[Harlow]

I would appreciate some advice as I am very new to polyamory as a reality in my relationship, and I am struggling.

My partner Sam and I have been together for 18 months. He had a previous 10-year relationship with Jane. They were non-monogamous and lived in a polyamorous relationship for 6 months with another female, until Jane’s jealousy became too much and the couple broke up with their solo partner.

I had been in a consensual non-monogamous marriage for 25 years, but we only rarely played with others if we were away from each other. I did have a relationship (affair) outside of my marriage for two years, so I fully understand the concept of loving more than one.

My partner’s previous relationship broke up due to a devastating trauma that left him and Jane very broken. She then had an affair with one of his friends and left him. When I met him he was angry, broken and still very traumatised.

We have worked through many issues around his relationship breakup, the trauma, and have had many discussions about our agreed consensual non-monogomous relationship. We have discussed polyamory and I made it clear it was not something I was ready for yet - but maybe one day if we found the right person it would feel right for us all. My position on that hasn’t changed.

What has changed is that during his healing process he has fallen in love with his previous partner Jane again. For months we have been discussing his need for her and my discomfort with that - given their shared unresolved trauma, his family’s opposition to her due to the trauma, and I guess my fear that our relationship is so new and theirs so developed and intertwined. He agrees if we were to enter into a relationship with her, it would have to be secret, due to their previous history.

He has been very clear that his happiness depends on having Jane as a life partner (which may or may not include me - that’s my choice). He says I am being obstructionist by expressing concerns and he is demanding a time by which I will be comfortable allowing him to be happy in a relationship with Jane. (FYI, I have never met Jane.)

I feel extremely stressed about this. I absolutely want him to be happy, but I have been very clear I am not ready for a poly relationship - or even for him to have another deep committed relationship yet. We play together as a couple, and he has played solo, but I thought any relationship we had would be with someone we were both into, and who we agreed would be a good fit for us to see either individually or as a couple. I didn’t expect it to be his ex with a heap of shared trauma.

Am I being unreasonable? Should his need for this relationship and the happiness he says it will bring him be my primary consideration, despite my reservations? Is it reasonable for him to expect me to have a date by which I will be comfortable for him to establish a long-term relationship with Jane?

Any advice greatly appreciated

 

[LoveBunny]

Walk away, IMO. Better yet...run.

Are your wants and needs are of less importance than his?

"He has been very clear that his happiness depends on having Jane as a life partner, (which may or may not include me - that’s my choice). He says I am being obstructionist by expressing concerns and he is demanding a time by which I will be comfortable allowing him to be happy in a relationship with Jane. (FYI I have never met Jane)"

His happiness depends of his being with Jane, apparently his happiness does NOT depend on if you stay or go. So go. Let him be "happy" with Jane, then. You deserve someone who wants you in their life badly enough to do the things he needs to do to keep you there.

FYI my last r'ship ended similarly, with a woman who I had never met seeming to be more important to my live-in bf than the life we'd been building together. So I understand how stressful and anxiety-provoking that feels. I am still working to resurrect my lost self-esteem after letting it go on too long. I wish you speedy healing.

 

[Harlow]

Thankyou so much for taking the time to offer me your advice

 

[Magdlyn]

I would appreciate some advice as I am very new to polyamory as a reality in my relationship, and I am struggling.

My partner Sam and I have been together for 18 months. He had a previous 10-year relationship with Jane. They were non-monogamous and lived in a polyamorous relationship for 6 months with another female, until Jane’s jealousy became too much and the couple broke up with their solo partner.

I had been in a consensual non-monogamous marriage for 25 years, but we only rarely played with others if we were away from each other. I did have a relationship (affair) outside of my marriage for two years, so I fully understand the concept of loving more than one.

Do you mean you carried on a clandestine loving r'ship with someone besides your husband, which was actually forbidden? Was this supposed to be a sex-only agreement, but you fell in love? I know that's kind of besides the point here, but the reason I bring it up is that there is a fine line between great sex and falling in love... We can't always predict or promise to keep things casual. Sex and love are very entertwined.

Are you still married?

My partner’s previous relationship broke up due to a devastating trauma that left him and Jane very broken.

There was great trauma around this woman they were supposed to be "sharing"? Triads often go wrong and end painfully, because the requirement that everyone feel the same about everyone else is impossible to enforce. Each dyad in a triad develops at its own pace.

She then had an affair with one of his friends and left him. When I met him he was angry, broken and still very traumatised.

We have worked through many issues around his relationship breakup, the trauma, and have had many discussions about our agreed consensual non-monogomous relationship. We have discussed polyamory and I made it clear it was not something I was ready for yet - but maybe one day if we found the right person it would feel right for us all. My position on that hasn’t changed.

You don't have to share the same lover to be polyamorous. In fact, most poly couples do NOT attempt triads. They date others independently. Thinking you need to share one partner between you is a vestige of monogamous programming.

It sound like you provided a lot of "free therapy" for your new boyfriend. Or is he a boyfriend? Is he supposed to be a casual sex partner, just for "play"? If you're still married, it sounds like polyamory already, feelings for boyfriend and feelings for husband.

What has changed is that during his healing process he has fallen in love with his previous partner Jane again. For months we have been discussing his need for her and my discomfort with that - given their shared unresolved trauma, his family’s opposition to her due to the trauma, and I guess my fear that our relationship is so new and theirs so developed and intertwined. He agrees if we were to enter into a relationship with her, it would have to be secret, due to their previous history.

There is absolutely no reason for you to be involved with Jane. It sounds like you haven't even met her. Why would you want to get naked with her? Can you have sex with sketchy people in uneasy circumstances and enjoy it?

There is no "we" getting into "a" relationship with Jane. He has a relationship already with her. You would need to develop your own r'ship with her. Try to think as an individual here. Your r'ship with Sam is not dependent on whether you meet, hang out with, or have sex with Jane. He and she can do their thing over there. You and Sam can do your own thing over here.

You can see how things went awry when "they" tried to have "a" r'ship with their former gf. Probably that woman was more into Sam than she was into Jane. And maybe Sam was all in NRE for that woman, and Jane felt neglected. That's usually how it goes. The unicorn thinks she wants to date a couple, but she ends up liking one of them a lot more than the other one. There's fighting, envy, jealousy, and pushing and pulling and finally the couple dumps her-- or the original couple breaks up and one of them goes with the new woman-- or everyone breaks up with everyone (as in Sam's experience).

He has been very clear that his happiness depends on having Jane as a life partner (which may or may not include me - that’s my choice).

It's your choice to have sex with Jane, hang out with her, etc.? Okay. If you do hang out with her, it's called kitchen table poly. If you and Sam both have sex/romance with Jane, it's called a triad. If you want to date Sam but never see Jane, that's also okay and a common choice. It's called parallel poly:

Sam dates Jane.
Sam dates you.
You and Jane don't hang out and don't have sex. You're just basic polite when your paths cross.

He says I am being obstructionist by expressing concerns and he is demanding a time by which I will be comfortable allowing him to be happy in a relationship with Jane. (FYI, I have never met Jane.)

I feel extremely stressed about this. I absolutely want him to be happy, but I have been very clear I am not ready for a poly relationship - or even for him to have another deep committed relationship yet. We play together as a couple, and he has played solo, but I thought any relationship we had would be with someone we were both into, and who we agreed would be a good fit for us to see either individually or as a couple. I didn’t expect it to be his ex with a heap of shared trauma.

Yeah. Big pass on that.

Of course, if he falls in love with one of his play partners, whether a new love, or rekindling with Jane, that means he is polyamorous. You don't want anything to do with polyamory. (Unless you're still married and already feel like you love both men...) So if he falls in love with a new person or falls back in love with Jane, your answer is clear. You want his love to yourself. He can share only his body with someone else. You have to break up with him.

You have one condition: if you and he are both equally into one woman, and she is equally into both of you, you would consider a triad (which is just one form of polyamory). But I already listed the many ways in which that is extremely hard, if not impossible, to have happen.

Am I being unreasonable? Should his need for this relationship and the happiness he says it will bring him be my primary consideration, despite my reservations? Is it reasonable for him to expect me to have a date by which I will be comfortable for him to establish a long-term relationship with Jane?

Any advice greatly appreciated

I don't think you need to consider it for more than a minute. You're really not interested in polyamory. He is. You just want casual play parrtners (a form of swinging.) You're not compatible.

He doesn't sound like great dating material anyway. He's still reeling from the breakup trauma he had with Jane and their so-called shared partner. He's rebounding. Maybe you could wish him well, and tell him if this ever gets resolved healthfully, he's welcome to get in touch. Like in a few years.

Meanwhile I recommend reading these books about open relationships, in order to understand the definition of polyamory, the differences between swinging and polyamory, how they compare to cheating, and how to successfully create the dynamic you want.

Opening Up
Designer Relationships
Polysecure

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Harlow,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

My advice to you would be to break up with Sam. He is going to bring Jane into your relationship with him, which you don't want, and she will bring a whole heap of drama with her. Sam isn't saying he'll do this *if* you want it. He's saying he'll do this *when* you want it. He is requiring you to want something that you don't want.

I'm sorry he won't put himself in your shoes.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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[GalaGirl]

I hope you feel better for airing things out here.

We have discussed polyamory and I made it clear it was not something I was ready for yet - but maybe one day if we found the right person it would feel right for us all. My position on that hasn’t changed.

Well, you aren't ready for it yet, and Jane is not sounding like someone you want to date. I question the whole thing of both of you dating the same person, but it is clear you are NOT excited about Jane.

What has changed is that during his healing process he has fallen in love with his previous partner Jane again. For months we have been discussing his need for her and my discomfort with that - given their shared unresolved trauma, his family’s opposition to her due to the trauma, and I guess my fear that our relationship is so new and theirs so developed and intertwined. He agrees if we were to enter into a relationship with her, it would have to be secret, due to their previous history.

I'd worry more about that-- he's keeping it secret from his friends and family that he got back together with his ex, and expects you to tag along into it. Eww.

It's only been 18 months. You aren't ready for poly yet, so walk away. Then he can make whatever new mess he's gonna make without you getting dinged.

My partner’s previous relationship broke up due to a devastating trauma that left him and Jane very broken. She then had an affair with one of his friends and left him. When I met him he was angry, broken and still very traumatised.

None of that makes him sound like a healthy partner. I think you could have not dated him in the first place. It's not your job to be his free therapist.

He has been very clear that his happiness depends on having Jane as a life partner (which may or may not include me - that’s my choice). He says I am being obstructionist by expressing concerns and he is demanding a time by which I will be comfortable allowing him to be happy in a relationship with Jane. (FYI, I have never met Jane.)

No you aren't. You have the right to voice the things that concern you. What are you blocking? Nothing. If he wants to go there and you do not, he can break up decently with you and date Jane. He doesn't have to wait on you.

But NOOOOO. It sounds like he wants access to both of you-- Even if you aren't ok with it and already told him you were not yet ready for poly. It sounds like he expects you to put on a "happy face." That's not cool. That doesn't sound healthy or fun to me.

So, YOU break up with him, because what he's offering you is not a great-sounding deal. You seem to see that.

I feel extremely stressed about this. I absolutely want him to be happy, but I have been very clear I am not ready for a poly relationship - or even for him to have another deep committed relationship yet. We play together as a couple, and he has played solo, but I thought any relationship we had would be with someone we were both into, and who we agreed would be a good fit for us to see either individually or as a couple. I didn’t expect it to be his ex with a heap of shared trauma.

Decline this offer he's presenting to you:

"Partner, I want you to be happy. I'm not ready for poly yet. I prefer we break up. You can pursue Jane. I wish you both well. "

There. Done. You get to skip any NEW trauma and weirdness.

Am I being unreasonable? Should his need for this relationship and the happiness he says it will bring him be my primary consideration, despite my reservations?

No, your primary concern is YOUR health and wellbeing. It's not being selfish. It's self care. You do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Is it reasonable for him to expect me to have a date by which I will be comfortable for him to establish a long-term relationship with Jane?

I don't like how he's ignoring your previous answer. You told him you were not ready. But if he wants an answer again, you can answer him TODAY:

"No. I am not ready for poly. I need to think about my own wellbeing. I want you to be happy, so I'll bow out, and then you can pursue Jane as you wish."

Save yourself.

I'm sorry this is happening. But you have to be able to say: "I like/love you a lot. But not even for you will I do stuff I'm not ready to do, or stuff I'm not into, with people I don't care to involve myself with."

Galagirl

 

[Harlow]

Thankyou everybody for your generous advice. I really do genuinely want to understand this lifestyle and what it offers, and understand if my initial reaction is unreasonable. I very much appreciate counsel from people with experience. Much gratitude xx

 

[Albert Ross]

For what it's worth, I see a lot of threads on these forums with people worried that they're being unreasonable. The answer is almost always, "No."

If it feels bad most of or all of the time, something's gotta give. A relationship should fill you up more than it empties you out. Best of luck.

 

[Harlow]

For what it's worth, I see a lot of threads on these forums with people worried that they're being unreasonable. The answer is almost always, "No."

If it feels bad most of or all of the time, something's gotta give. A relationship should fill you up more than it empties you out. Best of luck.

Thanks so much Albert. I agree that it has to feel right for all Involved