Advice Please

Tblue

Tblue

New member
My partner and I have been together almost four years. He told me when we got together he was poly. I was the first person he had told; he had always kept it hidden. Fast forward to now, we have discussed threesomes. We are both open to it. However, he wants another gf.

I have major concerns. He has listened and been amazing trying to answer all my questions and concerns, but even he doesn't have all the answers since this is a first for him as well. I have always been in monogamous relationships. I maybe dabbled in poly once, but never had someone I was willing to try it with. I had stated boundaries-- we both agreed to play together at all times.

However, my feelings on the whole situation I feel may be an issue. He tells me I will be his primary, I just... I don't know, I'm having mixed feelings, I guess.

This is all 100% new for me. Anyone have any advice on how one would be able to deal, or if some with experience I could talk to about it?

We have chosen who our 3rd would be, and she's amazing and is well aware and willing. However, the final decision is falling on me, and I feel so much pressure.

*So sorry for the long post*
 
Having a GF or a playmate are two very different things. Would you be okay knowing your BF would be in love with someone else?
 
Considering there's already a connection between all of us, yes, because I do love who we have chosen.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
So why would you try and find a girlfriend not even knowing if you enjoy romance and sex with other women?
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It is honestly a learning experience for our 3rd, as well. She has not done much with women. But the connection is there, if that makes sense.
 
Tblue said:
Considering there's already a connection between all of us. Yes because I to do love who we have chose.
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How about logistics? New Lady comes and goes? You go to her house as a package deal only?
 
Yes, it has been discussed if I am uncomfortable, or it does not work, that it ends.

We both want to play together at all times, that is where our certain kinks fall. We don't want separately.
 
LaminarFlow said:
How about logistics? New Lady comes and goes? You go to her house as a package deal only?
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She would come here, like she does every weekend now. We all are already very good friends. She has her own home. We have children in both households, so we are being discreet to that aspect.
 
Tblue said:
Yes, it has been discussed if I am uncomfortable or it does not work that it ends.

We both want to play together at all times, that is where our certain kinks fall. We don't want separately.
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Do you think that will really work if your partner is enjoying a new connection and intimacy with her? I mean he can say yes, but what about when he is yearning for her etc? What about if he resents you for breaking them up when they want to be together?
 
Tblue said:
She would come here like she does every weekend now. We all are already very good friends. She has her own home, we have children in both households so we are being discreet to that aspect
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I'd suggest to keep the friendship and not go any further. This is bound to blow-up and you will lose a good friend.
 
I'm not clear on if you want poly or swinging. They are very different. Swinging involves playing, having sex only. It sounds like that is what you understand it to be. Play with her as a group only, that's swinging.

Poly is having individual loving, committed relationships with more than one person. There would be four relationships in this model you are looking at.

You+BF, you+GF, BF+GF, all three of you.

This involves each dyad having alone time to develop each relationship. You cannot be all three all the time. Triads are an incredibly difficult way to do poly and usually end up in disaster unless they form over time with already established partners. It's poly on hard mode.

It would be easier to have him date her for a year or more, let you all get used to poly and then see if you and her have enough connection to give it a try.
 
Fast forward to now and we had discussed threesomes, we are both open to it. However, he wants another gf.
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What's going on with the "however?" Are you each using the word "polyamory" the same way? You might want to talk some more and calibrate.

Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. While a form of nonmonogamy, it is a whole other thing of its own. Some people do both group sex AND poly dating. Some people do only group sex. Some people do only poly dating.

Polyamory means "many loves." It means desiring or having more than one GF, BF, partner person. Like he dates his own other people besides you. You date your own people besides him. Both of you dating the SAME person is not a requirement in polyamory. Some people do that, but others avoid it.


I had stated boundaries-- we both agreed to play together at all times.
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That sounds like you are negotiating group sex, swinging or something like a scene to me, not long-term polyamorous dating.

Yes, it has been discussed if I am uncomfortable, or it does not work, that it ends.
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Really? What if they both change their minds and say, "Well, we honored our promise and broke up because you felt uncomfortable. But we miss each other and now want to get back together as a poly V since you don't want to do a triad." What would you do then?

We both want to play together at all times. That is where our certain kinks fall. We don't want separately.
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At this time. What if this desire changes? Are you prepared to play separately? Date separately, if this becomes polyamory?


However, my feelings on the whole situation may be an issue. He tells me I will be his primary. I just... I don't know, I'm having mixed feelings, I guess.
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"Just like before, but with 3!" might be the easiest way to imagine first forays into non-monogamy. But what happens if people want to change to co-primary over time? Then what? What if you want a different open model? Not comprehensive, but a short list of open models is here:


Exploring with an established friend might happen because they are around a lot, so people start crushing and all that... Are you prepared to go there, have it break up, and then possibly not be able to be friends anymore because you opened Pandora's box? Or if all 3 friends changes to only 2 wanting to still be friends and not with the other one? Or none are friends any more? Then what?

This is all 100% new for me. Anyone have any advice on how one would be able to deal, or if some with experience I could talk to about it?
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There are many resources you could explore. Books, podcasts, etc. Here are a few to get started.

www.multiamory.com

Multiamory

Multiamory offers support and advice for modern relationships: polyamory, monogamy, monogamish, swinging, casual dating, relationship anarchy, and more. Est. 2014, our weekly podcast has brought our faithful community of listeners the latest research, personal experiences and a diverse group of sex
www.multiamory.com www.multiamory.com

www.scarleteen.com

A First Polyamory Guide

(Mostly) everything (okay, okay, not mostly everything, but a lot) you wanted to know about polyamory.
www.scarleteen.com www.scarleteen.com

You can read the Opening Up book free online.

archive.org

Opening up : a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships : Taormino, Tristan, 1971- : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

xxv, 346 p. ; 22 cm
archive.org

We have chosen who our 3rd would be, and she's amazing and is well aware and willing. However, the final decision is falling on me, and I feel so much pressure.
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You are right to be concerned if you are jumping in undereducated, underprepared, people may be using words differently, etc. What about your potential triad partners here? Are they well educated? Well prepared? Why does it have to be a triad? Can't it be a poly V to start?

This doesn't sound like a "joyful yes" for you right now. I think you could say "No, thanks. I'm not ready, not up for a triad. I need to slow this down." Take more time to get better educated, and think about how this might end.

It ends well, like, "one and done" group sex experiment and everyone is still friends but no more experiments.
It ends well, like, "one and done" group sex experiment and everyone is still friends and this becomes a regular FWB thing.
It ends well, like, the experiment keeps going and this becomes a poly V or triad, or kind of mixed. Like, one of you is fully poly dating Lady and the other is a FWB for group sex once in a blue moon, but not actually poly dating with Lady.

It ends meh/okay. Because group sex is a skill, or it was boring, or people felt left out or jealous, etc., but you manage to heal and stay friends.

It ends poorly. Lots of drama and perhaps it breaks up, like...
  • (You + Partner, the Original Couple) and Lady is over there
  • (You + Lady, a new couple) and Partner is over there
  • (Lady + Partner, a new couple) and you are over there
  • No couples, broken up all the way, down to everyone single

People might be disappointed if you want to take longer to think it out, or flat-out say NO to triads, but that's their emotional management and their thing to deal with.

You sound like you need to address YOUR feelings. Tou don't feel great about this, and are feeling pressured to say "Okay, let's jump in!" You don't like that. So be honest about it. Say,"No, thanks. I'm not ready, not up for this triad."

Honor your own well-being, get better educated and say NO to jumping blind into things just because people are horny or curious, or whatever it is.

You aren't a footloose single. You have kids.

Galagirl
 
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Hello Tblue,

You need some time to think about this, tell your partner and your friend that you need some time to think about this, you are not ready to say yes at this time. You are having mixed feelings, what are some of the bad thoughts/feelings you are having about the proposition, what do you think may/will go wrong?

I hope we can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Your bf can be polyamorous. It doesn't mean you have to be polyamorous. He can date this friend.

If you and she are just both bicurious and want to experiment, go ahead. There's nothing wrong with trying something new.

However, formerly mono couples often think that polyamory means they have to do this as a unit, "play together, not separately." But you don't share a whole other person like she's a new sex toy you bought online. She's a living breathing human person, with thoughts, needs, desires, kinks, emotions, degree of libido, hang-ups, traumas, likes, dislikes, hopes and fears of her own. And she's got kids to raise.

Why does she want to be an add-on to an established couple?

It's possible you and she could have good sexual chemistry. But maybe you won't. You might like or love her as a platonic friend, but you realize you're not really into having sex with each other, either because you're not as gay as you thought, or you're just not into each other. Or maybe you will be into her, and she won't be into you. Or maybe you two women will hit it off sexually, but Friend and your bf won't.

There is no guarantee all three of you will be into each other equally, especially if your bf is guaranteeing you will remain his primary. Friend might not like that. She might want co-primary status.

My ex husband I opened our marriage so that I could explore my bi side (after 20 years of being together/mono). We "found our third" through a hobby group. She said she was into both of us. She wasn't. She was just into him. She and I never even got to first base together. My ex-h fell out of love with me and fell in love with her. I vetoed their thing after a while because I realized our kids were too young and i didn't have time/energy to date someone else anyway, plus I was PISSED my hubs fell out of love with me and was all moony over the New and Shiny. He was also somewhat neglecting our home, kids and pet care because he was obsessed with talking long distance to the gf, or traveling hundreds of miles to visit her.

However, their love didn't die, despite my veto. I told them they could remain platonic friends. But our marriage spiraled down the toilet and we ended up divorced, and he is still with her, exactly like one of the scenarios Galagirl mentioned.

Maybe that helps you articulate your fears a bit. I second reading Opening Up. It explains the differences between swinging and actual polyamory very well.
 
Bobbi said:
You+BF, you+GF, BF+GF, all three of you.
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Been saying this for years. A triad is 4 independent relationships. If anyone of those 4 break down, the triad breaks.

What happens if your bicuriosity turns into a fad. Or you become less curios and less bi. Can you support this relationship being a V vs a triad. Are you prepared for that. There are a lot of if's. I wouldn't want to be a woman coming into a triad with someone who is curious about fucking me.

We have chosen who our 3rd would be, and she's amazing and is well aware and willing. However, the final decision is falling on me, and I feel so much pressure.
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I have no idea, but this line GREALY stands out. You have chosen... but you still have a decision. Which... well... did he decide and its now your time to veto.

This is problematic and a red flag for triads. I am a fan of triads (been in many both swinging and poly) but ... "we have chosen" is a very specific type of phrase. You might really want to look at what YOU want. Truly.

Maybe I am just overthinking it.
 
Ariakas said:
Been saying this for years. A triad is 4 independent relationships. If anyone of those 4 break down, the triad breaks.

What happens if your bi-curiosity turns our to be a fad, or you become less curious and less bi? Can you support this relationship being a V vs a triad? Are you prepared for that? There are a lot of if's. I wouldn't want to be a woman coming into a triad with someone who is curious about fucking me.


I have no idea, but this line REALLY stands out. You have chosen... but you still have a decision. Which... well... did he decide, and it's now your time to veto?

This is problematic and a red flag for triads. I am a fan of triads (been in many both swinging and poly) but ... "we have chosen" is a very specific type of phrase. You might really want to look at what YOU want. Truly.

Maybe I am just overthinking it.
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No, you're thinking about it just fine. You certainly have had experience with trying to do triads (and quads, I believe).
 
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