Advice Requested, my husband's girlfriend left him now he wants me to leave my partners too

[ImNewHere]

Hi, I am new here and I don't know if I am using this site correctly, if I am not please let me know and I will fix the post or remove it. If anyone has any advice, though, I would really appreciate it.

I am married 20 years to a man I love very much. However, he has sensory issues and if I touch him suddenly or with slight pressure he freaks out.

Years ago, we decided it was ok for me to have other lovers. That was 13 years ago. I have a girlfriend since then, and a boyfriend for 7 years. Until recently it's been mostly copacetic.

However, a long time friend of ours told me she thought my husband was cute and had a crush on him. She likes the same things he likes, loud rock and roll, hanging out in bars, things I don't enjoy. I like jazz and camping. He gets bored and says the horns hurt his ears, doesn't like camping because it makes him uncomfortable.

Anyhow, I encouraged it because I thought they would make each other happy and I know he gets lonely sometimes and wants someone to go with him to things that I won't go to. But it didn't work out. After some false starts and stops, in about 2 months time, she found someone she wanted to be mono with and she left him. She actually broke up with him a month ago to. It didn't work out. I wish it could have but it didn't.

Now he's blaming me for "pushing them together" and saying I should leave my boyfriend and girlfriend. It doesn't help that I travel for my work and he misses me. But I have always travelled for my work and now that pandemic is over gigs are coming much more frequently. I am hoping it continues this way because that means I am becoming successful.

It's not like I am spending all my time with my other partners, either.

I have just been traveling like crazy for months, and he's getting bitter and resentful and jealous. I think he's being unreasonable with asking me to leave my other partners just because his attempt didn't work out. I feel like he's acting extremely entitled to her affections, and if he really loved her he would try to be happy for her instead of sending her guilt texts and saying he doesn't know if he can be friends with her again.

I love him. We have a decent house together. My mom lives with us, no kids.

But I can't take the accusations and guilt anymore. I am trying to get us into marriage counseling but I haven't succeeded yet. Anyone know any counselors that understand poly?

Again, apologies if this is addressed somewhere I couldn't find it, and advice is welcomed.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this is happening.

You could meet him part way IF you felt like it -- no dating any NEW people til counseling is set up.

But no. You are not breaking up with your people just because one of his relationships ended. Existing partners stay.

YMMV, but you can try

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

Galagirl

 

[ImNewHere]

I'm sorry this is happening.

You could meet him part way IF you felt like it -- no dating any NEW people til counseling is set up.

But no. You are not breaking up with your people just because one of his relationships ended. Existing partners stay.

YMMV, but you can try

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

Galagirl

Thank you so much. I appreciate your insight and the resource list.

 

[Marcus]

I love him, we have a decent house together, my mom lives with us, no kids, but I can't take the accusations and guilt anymore.

Love isn't a substitute for compatibility and mutual respect. The most central hard stop, red flag, no-go, for me is that I won't allow people to try to control my other relationships in any way. If my partner were to behave this way (which would be bizarre, because that would be very out of character) my main concern would be about what is going on with her. This would be an indication that important things are being left unsaid, and that we are functioning under two different concepts of the value of our association.

We all have feelings of insecurity, and it can take us into strange and chaotic intellectual states, and the only thing that matters about those feelings is how we react to them.

I am trying to get us into marriage counseling but I haven't succeeded yet. Anyone know any counselors that understand poly? Again apologies if this is addressed somewhere I couldn't find it, and advice is welcomed.

Counseling can be great, so long as the patient has a good understanding of what their goal is, and is prepared to be honest and vulnerable in service of that goal. It's tough, because lots of us have difficulty with being vulnerable in a non-hostile way, and we rarely have a good picture of what we are actually trying to accomplish.

When it comes to marriage counselling, the requirements are the same but it insists that multiple parties (you and your partner) BOTH come in having a unified understanding of the goal, and are both fully willing to be completely honest and vulnerable. If you have high hopes of marriage counseling healing your current situation, it's important to be rational about what is required for that to happen.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I actually think it was a bad idea to push him together with a close friend. That person probably would have been on most messy lists.

I'd not necessarily be happy for someone who left me for a monogamous partner.

I think he doesn't want to be poly any more, probably because it doesn't benefit him. It doesn't add to his life. That's fair enough.

He should find a monogamous partner and accept that you and he aren't a viable couple.

 

[ImNewHere]

Love isn't a substitute for compatibility and mutual respect. The most central hard stop, red flag, no-go, for me is that I won't allow people to try to control my other relationships in any way. If my partner were to behave this way (which would be bizarre, because that would be very out of character) my main concern would be about what is going on with her. This would be an indication that important things are being left unsaid, and that we are functioning under two different concepts of the value of our association.

We all have feelings of insecurity, and it can take us into strange and chaotic intellectual states, and the only thing that matters about those feelings is how we react to them.



Counseling can be great, so long as the patient has a good understanding of what their goal is, and is prepared to be honest and vulnerable in service of that goal. It's tough, because lots of us have difficulty with being vulnerable in a non-hostile way, and we rarely have a good picture of what we are actually trying to accomplish.

When it comes to marriage counselling, the requirements are the same but it insists that multiple parties (you and your partner) BOTH come in having a unified understanding of the goal, and are both fully willing to be completely honest and vulnerable. If you have high hopes of marriage counseling healing your current situation, it's important to be rational about what is required for that to happen.

Thank you. I appreciate your insight. Yeah I can't allow him to control my other relationships. Or me in general. I love him dearly and I know he loves me ,

I actually think it was a bad idea to push him together with a close friend. That person probably would have been on most messy lists.

I'd not necessarily be happy for someone who left me for a monogamous partner.

I think he doesn't want to be poly any more, probably because it doesn't benefit him. It doesn't add to his life. That's fair enough.

He should find a monogamous partner and accept that you and he aren't a viable couple.

yeah, you're right, I shouldn't in hindsight encouraged that. I just love her so much, she's one of my best friends and I just wanted her and him to be happy. She had other partners. But she left them too for the new one. I just wish he could be happy for her but I don't think he'l be able to do that for a long time, if ever. I am not ready to admit we aren't viable, I promised him I would care for him and I meant it. I appreciate your point of view though, thank you.

 

[ImNewHere]

Thank you. I appreciate your insight. Yeah I can't allow him to control my other relationships. Or me in general. I love him dearly and I know he loves me ,

yeah, you're right, I shouldn't in hindsight encouraged that. I just love her so much, she's one of my best friends and I just wanted her and him to be happy. She had other partners. But she left them too for the new one. I just wish he could be happy for her but I don't think he'l be able to do that for a long time, if ever. I am not ready to admit we aren't viable, I promised him I would care for him and I meant it. I appreciate your point of view though, thank you.

shoot I don't know how this thing works yet, @Marcus I didn't finish what I replying to you, I meant to say I think he can be honest and vulnerable, and I appreciate your words on compatibility and respect and insecurity. tHose really hit home, thank you.

 

[Marcus]

I shouldn't in hindsight encouraged that. I just love her so much, she's one of my best friends and I just wanted her and him to be happy. She had other partners. But she left them too for the new one.

I don't think you need to take that on. Who could have known how it would have played out. Even if, in retrospect, there were flaws in your decision making, you don't have a time machine and you don't have any control over that. Sometimes the decisions we make don't pan out, that's just life, I think you've got more important things to spend your energy on currently.

 

[ImNewHere]

I don't think you need to take that on. Who could have known how it would have played out. Even if, in retrospect, there were flaws in your decision making, you don't have a time machine and you don't have any control over that. Sometimes the decisions we make don't pan out, that's just life, I think you've got more important things to spend your energy on currently.

Thank you. I needed to hear that too. Ok it's late where I am at, hitting hay. Early morning meeting and gigs all weekend. Stay fabulous. I appreciate you and @GalaGirl and @SEASONEDpolyAgain time and consideration. I was afraid to post and you have all been so kind.

 

[Openbook23]

First, give yourself a bit of grace here. You meant well, and it didn't work out. That happens. Your husband is being unreasonable here, as you know. But that doesn't really help you, does it? He's feeling what he's feeling.

You definitely should NOT give into this request. I mean these are long standing relationships. It's a completely unfair request. Your husband will have to deal with his feelings. You can try to support him, of course, but this is something he'll have to work through. Sorry that it's hard.

 

[SlowPoly]

I agree with all the advice that’s been shared, and just want to add my voice to the chorus of “Do not end nourishing relationships because someone is hurting and wants to punish/control/monopolize you.”

I’m sorry your husband is hurting, but that doesn’t make it okay for him to make life-changing demands on you. It doesn’t make it okay for him to shrink your access to intimacy. How would you breaking up with your long-standing partners just because *he* wants that be any better than his short-run partner leaving him for monogamy? If he is gonna guilt someone over making her own decision not to date him, how can he think it’s conscionable for you to let *him* decide *your* break-ups? It sounds very punishing and false-balancing. It’s not a reasonable request between rational and loving adults.

I get wanting to care for someone as you’ve promised to, and as you truly want to. In your shoes I would make sure that doesn’t involve diminishing my own life and potential for happiness. I would re-frame for myself what lifelong care is, and remember that sometimes the caring thing to do is to respect mutual and individual needs, and disentangle in the areas where those conflict.

I wish you well.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi, I am new here and I don't know if I am using this site correctly, if I am not please let me know and I will fix the post or remove it. If anyone has any advice, though, I would really appreciate it.

You're doing great. I am glad you took the courage to post. You've gotten some great advice.

I am married 20 years to a man I love very much. However, he has sensory issues and if I touch him suddenly or with slight pressure he freaks out.

Years ago, we decided it was ok for me to have other lovers. That was 13 years ago.

Is it difficult for you to have a physical relationship with your husband because of his sensory issues? If he didn't have that condition, would you still be poly? Just curious.

I have a girlfriend since then, and a boyfriend for 7 years. Until recently it's been mostly copacetic.

That word, copacetic, shows your love of jazz. I'm a fan too. (Although I love rock, as well.) I just love old things, vintage clothes, household items, etc. And jazz goes with that lifestyle. Anyway...

However, a long time friend of ours told me she thought my husband was cute and had a crush on him. She likes the same things he likes, loud rock and roll, hanging out in bars, things I don't enjoy. I like jazz and camping. He gets bored and says the horns hurt his ears, doesn't like camping because it makes him uncomfortable.

Anyhow, I encouraged it because I thought they would make each other happy and I know he gets lonely sometimes and wants someone to go with him to things that I won't go to.

That's fine, but didn't he have other friends that he went to rock shows with? Maybe he did, but you're just mentioning something he had in common with your friend.

Has he never wanted to get another gf in these 13 years you've been practicing poly yourself? He was fine with your absences and your other affections, until now?

But it didn't work out. After some false starts and stops, in about 2 months time, she found someone she wanted to be mono with and she left him. She actually broke up with him a month ago to. It didn't work out. I wish it could have, but it didn't.

Now he's blaming me for "pushing them together" and saying I should leave my boyfriend and girlfriend.

Well, he's grieving. But it's not fair. I am sure you didn't actually push him into her arms. It is too bad though, that she suddenly decided to go mono right after she started dating your husband! That was shitty timing. I've been left by men who swore they were poly, and didn't want a wife and family, for women who already had a kid or two, and wanted monogamy and a husband! What the hell goes through people's minds?

I don't know what happened to your friend, but I think the guys I dated confused "polyamory," a trendy concept, for "playing the field," which makes them feel like a "fuck boy," in today's terms and thinking.

It doesn't help that I travel for my work and he misses me. But I have always travelled for my work and now that pandemic is over, gigs are coming much more frequently. I am hoping it continues this way, because that means I am becoming successful.

It's not like I am spending all my time with my other partners, either.

I have just been traveling like crazy for months, and he's getting bitter and resentful and jealous. I think he's being unreasonable with asking me to leave my other partners just because his attempt didn't work out. I feel like he's acting extremely entitled to her affections, and if he really loved her he would try to be happy for her instead of sending her guilt texts and saying he doesn't know if he can be friends with her again.

Well, he's allowed to be disappointed. You can't "try to be happy" if you're really feeling sad, rejected, angry, misled, etc. He will have to deal with than in his own time. It's hard for many people to become friends with an ex lover immediately, if ever.

I love him. We have a decent house together. My mom lives with us, no kids.

But I can't take the accusations and guilt anymore. I am trying to get us into marriage counseling but I haven't succeeded yet. Anyone know any counselors that understand poly?

Again, apologies if this is addressed somewhere I couldn't find it, and advice is welcomed.

I hope you find a good counselor.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello ImNewHere,

In my book, leaving your partners just because your husband's girlfriend left him, is out of the question. First of all because it would be unfair to your partners, they have done nothing wrong. And secondly (and most importantly), because it would be unfair to you. You have done nothing to deserve this.

I'm not saying your husband is being mean-spirited by wanting you to do this, he is just hurting and wants to even the playing field, he has not considered all the angles here. It looks like you have the unenviable task of explaining the relevant angles to him.

A more healthy road for him to take, would be to get out there and start meeting new people, and making new friends. And hopefully somewhere along the way, one of the said friends will become more than just a friend. If he really wants to even the playing field, that would be the way to do it.

You leaving your partners would make the whole situation worse, not better.
I'm glad if we could be of some help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

I have a follow up to Mags' question. Did you husband always have this sensory issue since the day you met? Was it an issue in his other relationship?

Is it possible because you’ve been traveling like crazy for months, juggling other partners, and now he‘s experienced the other side, didn’t know how lonely he was before, didn’t realize what he was missing before, NOW he does and it's sort of driving him to feeling bitter, resentful, jealous, envious? Take the hurt from being dumped and add the suck from getting 1/4 (figuring 3 partners and a career) for finite resources, such as time and attention, etc., how unreasonable is he being?

Everyone seems to think he’s being completely unreasonable, which could be true. However, what if he just filed for divorce and presented you with divorce papers, or was just gone when you returned home from a trip, with divorce papers sitting on your pillow? I think everyone would be saying the same thing: Wait, what? No conversation, no discussion, just an extreme proposal or actions. Does he tend to overreact to things, or is this a breaking point?

You said you don’t have kids, but you mom lives with you. Is she an active participant in the household, or does she need care? Is he responsible for looking after her while you’re away or off dating?

 

[ImNewHere]

Hey Kevin thank you, yes it has been very helpful, especially @GalaGirl link to poly friendly therapists, I think I have one for him and one for us from that resource which is really exciting. I have had a steady therapist for 20 years and whileI have begged him to he never ever has. I kind of made the ultimatum that if he doesn't get a therapist I wasn't going to think he was serious about wanting to keep me.

I agree it would be healthier if he would play the field, but I think he needs a way better way of processing his feelings, and I don't know if he'll even then be able to handle it. This was his one and only attempt at it and it was nice when it was nice but he doesn't handle things not going the way he needs them to go well at all. He has lots of .... quirks. And I am used to them. But it makes him hard to to be with. I don't think he ever wants to try again. I wish he could but I don't think he can.

But yes I am thankful for this conversation and I haven't left my other two partners. And I won't.

Hello ImNewHere,

In my book, leaving your partners just because your husband's girlfriend left him, is out of the question. First of all because it would be unfair to your partners, they have done nothing wrong. And secondly (and most importantly), because it would be unfair to you. You have done nothing to deserve this.

I'm not saying your husband is being mean-spirited by wanting you to do this, he is just hurting and wants to even the playing field, he has not considered all the angles here. It looks like you have the unenviable task of explaining the relevant angles to him.

A more healthy road for him to take, would be to get out there and start meeting new people, and making new friends. And hopefully somewhere along the way, one of the said friends will become more than just a friend. If he really wants to even the playing field, that would be the way to do it.

You leaving your partners would make the whole situation worse, not better.
I'm glad if we could be of some help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[ImNewHere]

I have a follow up to Mags' question. Did you husband always have this sensory issue since the day you met? And was it an issue in his other relationship?

I am the only relationship he's ever had, and yes, yes, he has been like this since I have known him. We're married 21 years now.

Is it possible because you’ve been traveling like crazy for months, juggling other partners and he‘s experiencing the other side, didn’t know how lonely he was before, he didn’t realize what he was missing before, but NOW he does and it sort of drives him to feeling bitter, resentful, jealous, envious? Take the hurt from being dumped and add the suck from getting 1/4 (figuring 3 partners and a career) for finite resources, such as time an attention, etc., how unreasonable is he being?

I am sure it is that he's lonely, but I am not really juggling anyone. The girlfriend is long distance; we see each other in person maybe 3 times a year. And she comes to stay with us or I see her when I am working, which is how we met. On the road we travel in same circuits.

Everyone seem to think he’s being completely unreasonable, which could be true. However, what if he just filed for divorce and presented you with divorce papers or was just gone when you returned home from a trip, with divorce papers sitting on your pillow? I think everyone would be saying the same thing: Wait, what? No conversation, no discussion, just an extreme proposal or actions. Does he tend to overreact to things, or is this a breaking point?

He overreacts to everything. All the time. It's exhausting. Everything is a tragedy and everything is an emergency. I am thankful he's going to start therapy soon.

You said you don’t have kids, but you mom lives with you. Is she an active participant in the household, or does she need care? Is he responsible for looking after her while you’re away or off dating ?

She gets care from my sister and nephews. She can make her own food and works from home. When I am not home he needs to take down her trash and bring up her deliveries, but it's not like he's bathing her. And again, I don't see my others all that often, the girlfriend 2 - 3 times a year and the boyfriend (we have both been working so much), it's like 2 times a month. I maintain my homelife responsibilities. He goes out a lot to hear bands and music. He doesn't need to sit home and mope.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Has he got a diagnosis other than sensory issues?

There's someone in my life who everyone assumed was just an unfeeling asshole. He got in a relationship with someone he really liked but she broke up with him because he appeared to be an unfeeling asshole. His mental health took a dip which led him down a route he wouldn't have normally taken: therapy.

Therapy led to a diagnosis of autism. Part of that was acknowledging his sensory issues, that's what made me think of him. When he felt overstimulated, he would become hostile.

For all intents and purposes, this guy still kind of comes across as an asshole if you don't know him well. But now he understands that some of what he would call his preferences or boundaries are to do with being autistic. He understands why he needs things to be the way they are. He presents it all in a much less aggressive way and seems to have more positive relationships. I think some of it is because he now has a better understanding of when a situation isn't for him. Like a certain type of job for instance.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am the only relationship he's ever had. And yes, he has been like this since I have known him. We've been married 21 years now.

He overreacts to everything, all the time. It's exhausting. Everything is a tragedy and everything is an emergency. I am thankful he's going to start therapy soon.

Has he got a diagnosis other than sensory issues?

After reading more of the posts, I was wondering the same thing. Might he have an undiagnosed condition that is coming into play here, like autism, ADHD, RSD, something else, or even a combination of stuff, that might cause up-and-down moods/emotional deregulation/taking things extra hard?

Perhaps if he actually goes to therapy, that will help you and him figure some stuff out. Getting a dx won't automatically mean he wants to do any more poly, but it might help figure some health stuff out.

GG