Age/Education Disparities in Relationships

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Damabupuk

New member
I'm still making my way through all the information on the site, so my apologies if this has been covered elsewhere.

My wife and I are in the preliminary stages of exploring a relationship with another person. While I am all for diving in and seeing what happens (I know, not the best game plan, but I have to acknowledge who I am sometimes), my wife (thank goodness), is a little more analytical about such things.

One of the concerns she has is the age disparity between her and the woman that we've been talking about. Is there any research or commentary on how do deal with these kinds of age gaps? I know it could probably be handled under the umbrella of jealousy, but I was also wondering if anyone else had dealt with this problem, or could offer an avenue of inquiry.

The other problem is an educational one. Both the person we're interested in and myself have upper-level degrees, but my wife does not, and is feeling a certain amount of (completely unwarranted) anxiety over her qualifications.

I'm not sure really how to deal with these things, aside from talking them through and trying to reassure and encourage. I would welcome your thoughts.
 
For the education side of things your wife is focusing on her perceived lack concerning higher learning. I've met many people who, through reading and interest, only differ from highly educated people in that one has student loans a piece of paper and they don't.
As well, many of us have met very academic people who can't navigate a social situation at all. You can be a whiz at math but not have a creative leaning at all. Or maybe you are the one everyone runs to when their car/computer/washing machine is acting up but no one would dream of taking their personal issues to you for help.
There are lots of different kinds of smart. She should work on being proud of her brand of smart.
 
My thoughts exactly, Vinccenzo, and thank you for echoing the sentiment. Some of the people I know in academia are hardly what I would call "intelligent." We're conditioned to consider people in certain ways based on that educational bias, and it's utterly unfair. Especially when one sees it negatively impacting a loved one.
Thanks for the input :)
 
Hubby's one of the most intelligent, most well-read and well-rounded people I know... and he only has a high school diploma. He joined the Navy right out of high school, intending to use the GI Bill to go to college after his four years were up, but then couldn't bring himself to spend another four years sitting in classrooms.

I'm pretty dang intelligent myself, or at least decently-educated, but most of it's self-education. I have a four-year university degree that I pretty much had to force myself to complete, because I also despise sitting in classes. My degree is in education, but I gave up teaching in part because I was told I would have to get a Master's degree, and I refused to do so. I enjoy learning things, but on my terms and according to my interests, not based on what someone else tells me I should learn so I can get a fancy piece of paper.

Intelligence doesn't have anything to do with how well-educated you are. Education is something anyone can gain. Intelligence is something you *have*.
 
Welcome, Damabupuk!

I'm sorry to hear that your wife is struggling with comparing herself to other people. I understand that struggle all too well!!

In terms of the age gap, is your wife struggling because the woman you've been talking about/with is much younger?

If so, your wife is feeling threatened because the other woman is younger and more "intelligent" than she is / than she believes herself to be?

The first step would be to identify why this is upsetting for your wife. Does she fear that you will leave her for this "superior" woman? Is she secure that you will not physically leave, but worried that you will see her in an unfavourable light compared to this shiny, bright new woman? Does she feel embarrassed on a personal level, like she can't "keep up" with the intellectual conversation? How about the age thing? Does she feel less sexy now that's she's older? What threatens her about the age gap? What is the root feeling and where is it coming from? Is is related to you > relationships > abandonment, or related to her > inadequacy > self-esteem?

In terms of how she could tackle this, and how you could help her...

Firstly, as Vinccenzo said - your wife should embrace her own brand of smart! In what ways is your wife smart? Can she read people well? Is she a fantastic empathiser - does she *get* people? Is she great at understanding how things work (cooking, teaching, fixing things around the house, etc.)? Is she witty? Is she emotionally intelligent and a great communicator?

Secondly, regardless of intelligence, what do you love and value about her? What are her strengths? Could you help her to recognise them? It can be very hard to really adopt this way of thinking, but we all have to realise that nobody can compete with us. It is simply not possible. The reason it's not possible is that we are all completely unique. Cliched, yes, but true! It might help her to remind herself that we cannot be better than everyone at everything. Nobody can.

Thirdly, does your wife generally feel good about herself? Is she proud of herself, does she like herself, and does she engage in activities that continually bring her feelings of accomplishment? Humans need to feel that they are achieving something on a regular basis! Self-esteem takes a hit without that rush of success! This doesn't have to mean financial or academic success.

If your wife is concerned about her academic intelligence, is this something she wants to work on? Honestly, while I believe that some people are naturally information sponges and have a thirst/aptitude for knowledge, I do believe that anyone can improve their intellectual intelligence if they wish to.

So, overall, I'd encourage your wife to identify the root issue(s) behind her upset and to embrace the areas she excels in and accept the areas that she lacks in. If she wants to work on certain aspects of herself and improve her own sense of achievement, she could absolutely do so!
 
You and your wife are just in the talking stages of poly, and you both have your eyes on the same woman? Is this woman aware of your (plural) interest?

I know that doesn't directly address your question, but I feel it is relevant.

Do you and your wife understand that polyamory does NOT mean you have to both share the same partner?

If this woman is approached by you (plural) and only shows interest in you (singular), will all hell break lose, since she is younger (I assume) and more educated than your wife?
 
OP, I wonder if some of the anxieties your wife is experiencing may be cultural. She may have female friends whose spouses or partners have left for younger women, or women who haven't been out of the workforce raising children. (I know that when Xicot initially fell for a woman 15 years my junior, who looked similar to me minus the effects of gravity, my first thought was, "What if this is not poly but a midlife crisis?")

That doesn't mean that you are in fact looking to replace her. It may simply indicate that she's struggling with a cultural narrative about what it means that are you expressing interest in a young woman, or a woman with more education.

Being alert to the fact that her anxiety might not be exactly about you might help you find ways to help comfort her, or to help her soothe herself.

Good luck to you both.
 
Just to offer another perspective - I think it's quite normal to have preferences for things like age and education level when looking for a prospective partner. Personally, I wouldn't date anyone a decade younger or older than myself. Not because I am insecure in any way, but it's just been my experience that I have less in common with folk with that much of a gap from me. Different interests, different stage of life, yadda yadda. It's the same story with education. Having spent over a decade in higher education, if I meet someone who's had a similar trajectory, well…that's just one more thing we have in common.

Whilst you do seem to suspect that this is a case of your wife making unflattering comparisons between herself and this other woman, I just wanted to point out that it might genuinely reflect a 'lack of things in common', which makes your wife feel uneasy.

If you both want to date the same somebody (and it sounds like you do intend on dating as a couple) then this is just going to be another one of those things that you need to bear in mind and compromise over. Long term, it's probably going to be easier for you to find a partner that pleases you, and your wife to find a partner that pleases her, than it is to find that elusive needle in the haystack that appeals to both of you (and you to her).
 
This is one of those questions where it seems polyamory isn't really a factor. Age differences and differences in life experience are a factor in all relationships; everyone has to decide what they feel okay with. I'm sure we've all met incredibly mature 1-year-olds and people in their 30s who we feel should go back to school until they learn how to be part of society. I've had trouble holding a conversation with someone who had a Master's Degree, and been amazed at the insight shown by a high-school dropout. It's different for every case. In the long run, there's no hard and fast rule (Although 'half-your-age-plus-seven' seems to be a good minimum guideline), it's up to you and her to decide what you're good with.
 
In my opinion, age and education mean different things and have different levels of importance to different people. I myself am highly educated and in my twenties. My primary partner is a couple years older than me and uneducated. My secondary partner and his wife are ten years older than me and uneducated. So we have both the education and the age disparities.

Neither of my partners have ever bored me. They tease me incessantly for being to analytical and scold me to not use big words when talking to them. My partners recognize my intelligence and love me more for it. They always entertain me and I value you their unique perspectives on things.

As for age, the only thing I have found different is that my partners age themselves sometimes. They will say something about a time period that is before my memory. Or every now and then they will talk about an event that happened when I was a child and I will just kind of laugh and call them old.

Feeling jealous or insecure over age and education can be a normal reaction. But if you allow yourself to see past those disparities, you might have an opportunity to find something really great.
 
Degrees

My friend who ran a fortune 200, told me a university degree showed a people could put up with bureaucratic BS. But rarely had any thing to do with real life.

I have zero formal learning in finance. One day he handed me an company annual export with the P&L in the back and asked me what I thought the company was worth.

I read the whole 30 page report in three minutes, stared into space for 2 minutes and said, "The company thinks it is worth $39 a share, your people probably are in the $32-36. You are a prick so you are going to offer $18 and you'll buy at $23 and change."

He said, "talk to me about the change."

47 cents

He'd bought the company that morning for $23.53

Christ I was off my an entire nickel! Everything else I was dead on. Took his finance people three months to get to the $32-36.

I spent the next two years working as a mergers and Aquistitions advisor. Never had an official job, just was paid a part of the deals.

Now I do appreciate a surgeon who has gone to school, but I turned them down when it was my back on the line.

Higher degrees really make you far more qualified to shovel manure, you can stand the smell better.

I once had a housewife in a class with all these business exec ladies and she said I'm just a housewife. With maybe an art history degree from Bryn mar.

I pointed out she ran a house with a ten million a year budget, scheduled kids, maids, gardeners, and more crap than you could imagine. Yeah just a stupid housewife. Total Barbie

The youngest multimillionaire I met finished the 8th grade, rode on back of a garbage truck to support his mom and three younger kids, who all went to college. He bought his first garbage truck when he was fifteen and still had to ride on the back, couldn't even get insurance for him to drive one of his truck until he was 25, which by then was a fleet of ten and he was in the office.

His wife had a master's in finance. He knew more about the dogshit practical of money, but she knew more about tax law.

The worst teacher I ever hired for my schools in Japan had two masters in ESL. The best got his GED in the Navy and was doing UNI in the mail, but cared about his students and they learned faster than any other group I've ever seen.

Just a few stories of tthe mix.
 
Im definitely not attracted to older people. My age to about 8 years younger is my window.

Education doesn't matter, I dropped out of school after 8th grade and got a ged. I didn't start college until age 33 and only because I want to advance my career although after a few semesters I am benefiting immensely in the personal growth department. I feel that its been a very beneficial experience.

Intelligence does matter, I gravitate toward smart people who are free thinkers. Being around creative and passionate people is important as well as someone who has goals. Im never stagnant, I couldn't be with someone who is. They must have a need for knowledge and new experience or I will quickly lose interest.
 
So George Clooney?

Inyourendo said:
Im definitely not attracted to older people. My age to about 8 years younger is my window.
Click to expand...

So you I get to see a movie every few years, so I'm sort of not up to date, but George Clooney (without the beagle and the prenup) shows up its like gross?

I find the second I made some really hard and fast rule in my life, the Great Pumpkin shoves one of those late summer baseball bat size zucchini right up the proctological highway.


Intelligence does matter, I gravitate toward smart people who are free thinkers.
Click to expand...

I charge for all my thinking.
 
I can find someone attractive but not be attracted to them so George Clooney is a handsome guy doesn't mean I would want to have sex with him
 
Dickdomin said:
So you I get to see a movie every few lol years, so I'm sort of not up to date, but George Clooney (without the beagle and the prenup) shows up its like gross?

I find the second I made some really hard and fast rule in my life, the Great Pumpkin shoves one of those late summer baseball bat size zucchini right up the proctological highway.




I charge for all my thinking.
Click to expand...

you have a very similar sense of humor as my ex father in law lol
 
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