Allosexual husband of an asexual wife explores options

Evie said:
I agree your analogy works...to a point. There's a greater intimacy with sharing sex than going to see a show together, and a likely possibility that the sex partners would begin to feel affection for each other in a different way to the people going to a show.

I don't think there's anything wrong with extramarital sex as a solution to mismatched sex drives, you just need to do it with your eyes open about what the parameters are. I've been the "side chick" a lot of times and I don't catch feels every time, although I obviously like the person. Sometimes I do end up loving that person, but also doesn't mean I want relationship with them, fwb is just fine thank you very much.

It really comes down to how it's managed between the people in the situation. If I tell a fwb that I love him, that's private information that he doesn't need to share with his wife. He might not love me back, but is emotionally mature enough to recognise that 1. He doesn't have to, and 2. That's not a deal breaker. On the other hand, he might love me too, but also could be very happy with a loving fwb situation.

Just because sexual intimacy can lead to loving feelings, it doesn't mean that lives need to be overturned. Sometimes it's okay to love and not want to share more than that.
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I completely agree with everything you’ve said, although it wasn’t an analogy. At least it wasn’t just an analogy, it was also literally true.
 
Fogul said:
We have another incompatibility. My wife enjoys musical theatre. I do not, at all…

There were things around it I did enjoy…

Over time I gradually stopped going…

She has other friends she goes with, she enjoys it and I’m happy for her.
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A helpful analogy that may also, if you’re planning on bringing it up, help your wife to understand your position.
 
So, uh, how did this go? I'm curious ;)
 
I’m sorry to say I’m still waiting on the opportunity to initiate the conversation. Perhaps I’m making excuses to avoid a conversation I find challenging to start, but my wife’s health situation has taken longer to resolve than either of us anticipated. She had an operation a couple of months ago and we both thought she would have more or less fully recovered from it before now, but she hasn’t yet, although she is a lot better and getting better all the time.

I’ll take this little prod as a reminder that I can’t just let it keep slipping by. Not after all the work I’ve done.

She and our son are away for a long weekend to celebrate the end of his exams (I couldn’t go along due to work and looking after the dog). I’m making a public commitment here to have the first conversation next weekend.

Feel free to (virtually) kick me if I don’t report back after next weekend with at least some progress.
 
That's ok, you have to know when the timing is acceptable. My prod is entirely random :)
 
It may have been random, but it was also timely. It has prodded me out of complacency at a time when I needed prodding. Thank you!
 
Thank you for sharing your story. I have not read all of the comments on the many pages that have followed. I'm in a relationship where my partner has different needs that each of his female partners are able to fill, and we all seem to balance each other well and fulfill the needs not met by the others.
 
Well first off, we weren’t able to have a conversation at all the weekend after I made that post. Family dramas again with my mum being rushed into hospital again so I spent the weekend at my parents.

We did eventually have an initial conversation on Saturday. It didn’t get very far. As I anticipated my wife blamed current situations for our lack of a sex life, despite the fact that it has been the same for almost 32 years. We didn’t get on to any discussion of ENM/polyamory on this occasion. We had talked about it for quite a long time and both of us were too emotional to keep going. I think it was right to take a break and let the discussion sink in for both of us.

However, I’m not giving up. Well return to the subject this weekend. Hopefully a week of reflection will help us both move on in the conversation.
 
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