I had my second session with my new therapist. We talked about what stops me from speaking to Joy about sex. I explained some of the things I've mentioned above: my upbringing to put others' feelings ahead of my own, my potential autism and difficulty expressing myself, especially concerning emotions, and my perfectionism holding me back from having a conversation I expect to be less than perfect, at a time I consider less than perfect.
We talked some more about that and the roots of it. I think a factor may be that in the '70s when I first went to school, things like autism and ADHD were not well understood, certainly not by classroom practitioners, hence I have never had a diagnosis of either. I have specific memories of making what now and to everyone else seem like stupid mistakes, and the teacher laughing, which I at least perceived to be her laughing at me. Certainly I felt humiliated as a five year old. I don't know that I can blame all of my idiosyncrasies on a few incidents in my formative years, but these memories are raw and relatively close to the surface, even almost 50 years later, so they must have had some pretty significant impact on me.
We talked about how I'm not good at initiating conversations. I'm happy to participate, but someone else needs to initiate it. I'm not good at participating in conversations with large groups. I never know when to come in. There never seems to be a break in conversation that I can squeeze my thought into, whereas everyone else seems to be able to find space to get their point heard.
The conversations I do initiate tend to be about something tangible or to have a purpose, like yesterday our heating broke down and we had a conversation about what we need to do. I can talk in work about work issues, but I find general chit chat challenging unless its about a subject I know about. So I could have long discussions over electronegativity trends in the periodic table, or the wave particle duality in quantum mechanics (fortunately my son is studying Chemistry and Physics at school, so I get opportunities to talk about these things!). I feel secure talking about things that I know, and know that I'm good at. My academic qualifications give me confidence to talk about these things.
I have always been able to talk in work about technical aspects of my job (which is quite maths-based). As I've progressed up the ladder, conversations were less about the technical stuff and more about management, but while I found that difficult at first, I got over it, and would say I'm now good at it. I think because I'm able to keep emotions out of it, I've been able to have even very difficult conversations at work about performance or redundancy and those conversations have gone well.
I do still, from time to time, find myself sitting in a meeting thinking about a great idea, but not saying it, only for someone else to voice a watered-down and inferior version of my idea and everyone jumping on it as the best idea of the day, to which my idea when I do express it is seen just as a build on someone else's good idea. This happens less these days, but still happens.
As I became more senior, I'd have to do social things. My company organised long service-awards dinners and employee of the month/year dinners, and as a senior leader I would have to host a table. I dreaded that at first, but I became better at it in time. But I still feel more like I'm playing a part. I have learned some lines and I'm able to improvise around those lines to sound like a "real person."
At home, when we chat, my wife is quite chatty, whereas I'm happy to remain in silence if I don't have anything to say. Although I don't fit the title of the song, I still empathise with the Talking Heads song Psycho Killer and the lines:
You start a conversation, you can't even finish it
You're talking a lot, but you're not saying anything
When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed
Say something once, why say it again?
I gave an example of how my wife often talks about her work at home. I rarely do. I realise now that when she is talking about work, she's talking about people, with work as context. When I talk about work, I'm talking about work, with people as context. And frankly, who is interested in my work, especially when it's something that isn't well understood by my wife and must bore her to death?
Back to the perfectionism. The above is related to having conversations about things that I perceive I'm "good" at, and I'm "bad" at emotions, or conveying and understanding them. Towards the end of our session, my therapist pointed out I had spent the previous three quarters of an hour openly talking with her about how I felt. Some of that no doubt is about her ability to open people up, but I've come to a conclusion.
It's like many other things. It's practice. It won't get better without practice. It may still never become second nature to me, but just like those dinner conversations at work, it doesn't mean I can't get better by consciously trying. I think I couldn't have had the conversation with my therapist if I hadn't started trying to verbalise these thoughts here. The internet is a great thing. It's asynchronous. I can sit here and type on my keyboard. There's no one in front of me. People are at a two-step remove, but they are there. When they respond, I don't need to have my own response immediately available. I can spend some time thinking about it, crafting how I say it, re-reading and correcting and doing my best to ensure the words I use express what I mean.
I think that helped me practice for talking to my therapist. She's at a one-step remove. She's a real person that I'm interacting with in real time, but she's outside of my personal world. I can end the call, or never set up another session, and she's not personally involved in my situation. I think that's helping me practice more for a conversation with Joy. A real time conversation with the other person intimately involved in the situation-- I might not be quite there yet, but I'm getting there.
And to those of you on here who have helped, who have supported, who have questioned or given the benefit of your experience, I thank you. Without you I would still be floundering. Know this-- you have done some real good for at least one person.
