Am I allowed space?

H

himherandme

New member
I've been in a poly relationship for over a year now and I feel like I...or the people I am with...are still struggling over things that seem so simple to me.

I understand that being poly requires time, patience, and dedication- all of which I have no problem giving. However, I'm starting to feel like my own voice is getting lost in all of this.

I work with my gf which means I see her, at minimum, 5 days a week, 8-5 pm. We text before and after work and then talk on the phone as well. We'll even text AT work if there is an issue between the two of us that can not be discussed in front of others (because they do not know of our relationship).

Even with all of the above, she feels like she is also owed two days outside of work of me and her time. So on any given week, we see each other a MINIMUM of 6 days a week. Monday through Friday, once before/after work during the week, and then a day on the weekend.

Me and my boyfriend do not live together and see each other usually 2 days a week (one day during the week and one day on the weekend) which is completely understandable. I actually wouldn't mind seeing him more than that, but his work schedule is a little crazy sometimes. Since we don't see each other that much, he likes to text a lot (which again, I understand). But its getting to the point where I'm always in constant contact with both partners and I feel like I don't ever get a chance to unwind and relax. Turning my phone off for a few hours would be the ultimate gift to myself right now, but an hour of silence on my end results in hurt feelings and insecurities.

My question to you all is this. Does living a poly lifestyle mean sacrificing my personal me time? When I tell my gf that I sometimes need my own time, she tells me things along the lines of "this is the lifestyle I signed up for" or "you asked to be in two relationships" etc. etc. I'm on the brink of losing it to be completely honest. I'm an introvert at heart so I FEED off of personal time and space. But does that mean I'm not built for poly life?

Please give me honest advice. If I'm being selfish, I would like someone to tell me so I can change my approach or reevaluate what it is I truly want/need.

Thank you so much...
 
Turning my phone off for a few hours would be the ultimate gift to myself right now, but an hour of silence on my end results in hurt feelings and insecurities.
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Could turn phone off, and let them deal with their hurt feelings and insecurities on their own. Establish better boundaries that support your self care rather than you spreading yourself too thin. You do your behaviors of self care, and let them do their behaviors of coping. Before they knew you, they existed just fine with you not being available by phone all the time.

Does living a poly lifestyle mean sacrificing my personal me time?
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No. You could put your "me time" FIRST. Like on a plane you would put your OWN oxygen mask on first before attending to other people. It is not being selfish. It is necessary so you don't burn out/run dry. You meet your own needs first so you operate from a full tank of gas, and then you can gift your help to others joyfully. Meet your needs AND other people's needs in a balanced way.

No healthy partner would want you running yourself ragged and down to the nubbins.

I am introverted. I need down time by myself. I could only poly with similar people.

If there's a spectrum 1-10 with 1 being super independent and 10 being joined at the hip? A 1 and 3 might get along ok. A 3 and a 6 might get along ok. A 6 and a 10 might get along ok. But 1 and a 10? Not so much. The gap is too huge.

When I tell my gf that I sometimes need my own time, she tells me things along the lines of "this is the lifestyle I signed up for" or "you asked to be in two relationships" etc.
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That's sounds like guilt tripping you for having self care needs. Signing up for poly does not mean you sign up to run ragged and neglect yourself. Sheesh!

It may be you guys are poly, yes. But maybe her fav way of doing poly with all this "togetherness" is not compatible with your way of doing poly. That's not even a poly thing but a personality thing. If one partner in a monogamous relationship is super independent or introvert for whatever and needs alone time? And the other wants to be doing things together all the time?

The independent 1 is going to feel suffocated or stressed out if they try to please the 10 by doing all this togetherness stuff. And if the 10 is trying to please the 1 with lots of alone time... they are going to feel lonely/neglected. Just not compatible personalities.

So no. Maybe you are not built for poly life with HER in that "intensely togetherness" way she seems to want.

Her making it sound like you are not cut out for poly at all -- just sounds like guilt trip to try to get you to neglect doing your self care so you attend to her wants instead. I could be wrong there. But if she's trying to guilt trip you? That does not sound like kind or respectful behavior to me.

Galagirl
 
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What do you mean, are you "allowed?" I don't understand why you are asking this. There is no Poly Rule Book, so just who do you think is making rules for you? You want alone time to unwind? Take it. Who is stopping you? Nobody is the boss of you, but YOU.

All you have to say is "I'm relaxing at home tonight, see you another time." Simple.

It's your life, hon - why would you need permission from someone else to take care of yourself??? You are in charge. You've been living like this, stretching yourself thin for an entire YEAR because you didn't think you were "allowed" to make your own schedule????? Doesn't make any sense. :confused:
 
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himherandme said:
My question to you all is this. Does living a poly lifestyle mean sacrificing my personal me time? When I tell my gf that I sometimes need my own time, she tells me things along the lines of "this is the lifestyle I signed up for" or "you asked to be in two relationships" etc. etc. I'm on the brink of losing it to be completely honest. I'm an introvert at heart so I FEED off of personal time and space. But does that mean I'm not built for poly life?
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In short - NO!!!:eek:

You need whatever alone time you need to feed your inner self and restore your energy. You do not need to forgo that to be in a relationship - mono, poly, or whatever. In fact, you MUST NOT forgo that self care if you are to be able to bring your best self to ANY relationship.:rolleyes:

We often repeat here that love may be limitless but time and energy (and money) are not. You are "allowed" to look at how much time you need for yourself to meet your OWN needs and budget that FIRST. Then you can offer others (1, 2, or more) the GIFT of your time and attention that you have to spare. It is yours to offer, NOT theirs to demand. If they are not satisfied with your gift then it is on them to adjust their expectations or decline to continue the relationship. Yes, there may be room for "negotiation" but NOT at the expense of your own health and sanity

JaneQ
(who manages to be an introvert with plenty of alone time despite living with both of her partners!:D)
 
Are your partners both reluctantly poly? Is your girlfriend's preferred solution to your burn out that you stop seeing your boyfriend twice a week and get your alone time that way, and vice versa with him? If so, then I think the real issue to be resolved is that. I do agree with the others, that you are the boss of you and you NEED to take some time out just for yourself before you collapse completely. However, ultimately I feel like there would be less pressure on you if your partners were also caring for your welfare in this way. If they are coming at the situation perceiving a lack of time with you, any moves you make to take time to yourself are going to be taken badly. If, on the other hand, they are in a place where they feel happy with their relationships with you, then I can't see why they wouldn't be more supportive. If they are both mono, and get the majority of their socialisation time with you, then perhaps this is something that also needs to change. Just something to think about.
 
Another introvert here--I have absolutely struggled with making sure that I get enough "me" time. I'm a highly social introvert, which means that I love being with people, especially people I love, but it drains my batteries all the same. You really should set boundaries for your own good. If they love you (like I presume they do) they will understand. I'm my case my extremely extroverted girlfriend would happily see me 24/7, but she knows that I need my alone time, so she gives me space when I request it.

That said, I really struggled with being comfortable to ask for space at first. But it simply is not healthy to sacrifice your sanity for the sake of others' desires.

As far as what your girlfriend says, she's wrong and possibly being selfish. Being in two relationships does not mean sacrificing all of your alone time.
 
Take care of yourself too.

It sounds to me like your girlfriend is either not getting or respecting your needs. Being poly doesn't mean you get no alone time. I dealt with this same sort of scenario before. I go to school with my girlfriend and she likes to spend the weekends at our (my husband and my) house. So it was getting to the point where I was with her six days a week. I had to explain to her that I needed time to do my own thing/ be alone and she couldn't stay at our house Friday through Monday morning. She started staying over less and things improved greatly. She was hurt at first, but I think she realized I was a less on edge and exhausted when I did spend time with her.
 
Other than how you wrote about overall not having enough time for yourself, how do you feel about what your GF is demanding in terms of time for herself?

Reading between the lines, it sounds like maybe you think her base request is too much for you.

I totally agree with everything that GalaGirl is saying, and I'd like to add that the responses of your girlfriend don't really sound good. They sound controlling and selfish:

"I'm going to guilt you into giving me what I want, by saying you signed up for it"
"I'm going to completely negate your need for alone time because it is not convenient to me"


If I were you, I'd start thinking hard about what you want. Just you. What you want, and what you absolutely NEED in terms of alone time, to feel good and centered for yourself. Also other things, like friends. Do you have friends? Do you have the time you want to see them? How much time do you need for your friends? Your family? Any activities that you used to love to do that have gone back on the burner for poly? What kind of time would you need to get those back into your life?

Figure out an some hint of the overall time you need for yourself, and all the aspects of your life, so that it feels good and healthy for you. It'll need tweaks as time goes on. But getting an idea of where to start from is crucial.

Once that's done, I'd go to your GF and tell her, point blank, that certain parts of your relationship are not working for you and need to be adjusted, so that you can feel happy and recharged and yourself. Give her an idea of what is missing, and what you need to get it back. Make it clear that having time for yourself (and friends/family/hobbies) is ABSOLUTELY part of a healthy poly lifestyle, and that you are NOT going to entertain any idea otherwise. Sure, getting it all to work will take some level of compromise and some things may end up getting culled. But you absolutely DO have the right to decide what gets priority in YOUR life.

Then listen really carefully to what she says, how she phrases her responses, and what her overall reaction is like. If she tries to minimize your needs, or make it all about her, or threatens you, or guilt trips you, then you've learned a lot more about her as a person, and you might want to consider if you want to stay in the relationship.

If you do want to stay, then it sounds like there will be work ahead, for both of you, on how to communicate and how to have a relationship that you both feel healthy and happy in.

Good luck with all that. Don't let her force you into losing sight of yourself and what you need.
 
There's a surprising abundance of introverts in the poly world. I don't know what it is, it seems counter-intuitive, but time and time again when people post their Meyer-Briggs initials, "I" is the first one. Not always, be definitely seems to be in the majority.

Poly introverts need their alone-time just like mono introverts. Your girlfriend must be an extrovert and not understand this concept. Focus on that, out of context of polyamory. Introverts all need their alone time. Period. Otherwise we burn out and go postal. Get her a book about introverts and tell her to read it while you're taking your alone time.

"Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain is highly recommended. For both of you, perhaps.

More importantly, get this "allowed" talk out of your vocabulary! You're not a prisoner. You're not a child. You're an adult with free will. You're allowed to do whatever you damn well please, within the letter of the law. She's allowed to complain about it as much as she wants, and eventually she'll figure out that complaining accomplishes exactly one thing: winding up single.
 
While everyone's points about being an introvert are valid, I wanted to hold up one thing in this:

himherandme said:
I work with my gf which means I see her, at minimum, 5 days a week, 8-5 pm. We text before and after work and then talk on the phone as well. We'll even text AT work if there is an issue between the two of us that can not be discussed in front of others (because they do not know of our relationship).
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Does your girlfriend feel like this time actually is positive towards your relationship? do you? I ask this because for about 8-9 years, I worked in an adjacent cube to TheKnight - sometimes on related projects, but mostly separately - and in many ways I feel like this was actually a bit of a detriment to our relationship. Not only did we have to act professionally at the office - so we got out of the habit of being casually affectionate, and have still never quite gotten back to that as much as I would like! - but it added weird bits of conflict to our lives.

My point here is that from your description, it sounds almost like your boyfriend is getting more *quality/romantic time*, despite the preponderance of *actual* time spent with your girlfriend, and that may be the problem. Especially given y'all are closeted - TheKnight and I weren't and it was still an issue, I can't imagine trying to keep something like that secret for long.
 
Hi himherandme,

I suggest telling your girlfriend and boyfriend, ahead of time, that you are going to shut your phone off from such-and-such-a-time to such-and-such-a-time every day (or at least on a certain day). This way they know you're not doing it because you're mad at them or something, you just need the me time. They know when to expect it so they can't (or shouldn't) complain.

Would that work do you think?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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