Am I an idiot?

S

Shyguy

Member
Hi everyone,

I'm new to posting, though I've been reading some posts on the forums off and on for a few months as I try to navigate my situation. Here's my story.

I've been with my wife for almost fifteen years, and we're both in our late 30s. We were mid-20s when we met, and it was the most intense, fun, fulfilling relationship either of us had ever had. We were monogamous. Polyamory was not something we thought about. We had so much time and flexibility to travel, date, you name it.

We got married ten years ago, moved to a much smaller city for her job. We now have two children who are elementary-school aged. Looking back, having children was a big challenge for us. We lived in a new city, without any family around, and we were overwhelmed. Then COVID came along. Our relationship suffered, and we tried to muddle through. Over time, my wife began to withdraw and the physical intimacy became less and less.

Having children meant that we were pretty busy and on the go, and we were still able to occasionally go on date nights and weekends away and have the spark return. But we were frogs in a pot of water being heated up, and didn't pay attention to the warning signs or do anything to take action. When I did try to ask for more, my wife wasn't interested.

About six months ago, my wife began an affair with someone who works in her field and lives in a different city. When I found out at the end of the summer, we agreed to stay together and use it as the impetus to reconnect with each other. I would accept the other relationship. We would try polyamory.

(I guess this is polyamory under duress).

She would see him when their work meant they were in the same city for a conference.

We would be nesting partners.

Things were good for a while, and it felt like we'd reconnected. We were having more sex again, and I felt like we were in love with each other again. At the same time, it was hard for me to accept the other relationship. After the initial buzz wore off, it definitely put a strain on things.

I've been going to individual therapy, and that's helped me get to the point where I was ready to fully embrace being in a polyamorous relationship with her. But we were definitely in "don't ask, don't tell" territory when it came to the other relationship. I didn't want to date anyone else, and I still don't. I'm too mentally drained right now to even contemplate another relationship.

My wife has seen her new partner twice this autumn. The second time was a week or so ago. When she came back, things had changed. She said that she loved her new partner, and that they wanted to see more of each other than simply work trips. She also wasn't sure she loved me anymore. She needed time to think.

I am devastated. The rules have changed just as I was accepting them, and I feel betrayed in a way that I did not when I found out about the affair. I am angry at my wife and her new partner. But I still deeply love her. We need to find something that works for both of us as we raise our kids together. She had been resistant to therapy, but she's finally agreed to go to help her think through things. She's also agreed to slow things down so that no one makes any rushed decisions.

I've told her that I can make polyamory work if she can commit to rebuilding our relationship, and she's considering it. At this point, the ideal would be being loving nesting partners as we raise our children together, and she has more license to see her other partner. Communication would be better, and we would aim for kitchen-table polyamory to ensure that everyone was happy.

To top it all off, her partner is also married and his wife does not know. It sounds like his wife would divorce him if she found out, but I have no real idea. As you can see, it's a mess all round.

A toxic separation is something we both want to avoid, due to our kids. The alternative, co-parenting, but having to work around her new relationship, feels too painful to accommodate. I'd rather be in her life, and be in a tender, quiet relationship. I know that I can't compete with the new relationship energy; I just want there still to be space with me.

A couple of additional points:
We saw a couples counsellor a couple of times. She said that we communicated well, but as we wanted different things (me a proper relationship, my wife not being sure) that she couldn't help us, as we wanted different things.

Writing all of this out makes my wife seem like a monster. She is not. She has tried to look out for me as best she can, but she fell out of love with me, and we didn't take steps to repair things until the 11th hour. She cares about me deeply and is trying to help as best she can. But she also wants to be with her new partner.
 
Shyguy said:
Hi everyone,

I'm new to posting, though I've been reading some posts on the forums off and on for a few months as I try to navigate my situation. Here's my story.

I've been with my wife for almost fifteen years, and we're both in our late 30s. We were mid-twenties when we met, and it was the most intense, fun, fulfilling relationship either of us had ever had. We were monogamous, polyamory was not something we thought about. We had so much time and flexibility to travel, date, you name it. We got married ten years ago, moved to a much smaller city for her job, and now have two children who are elementary school aged. Looking back, having children was a big challenge for us. We lived in a new city, without any family around, and we were overwhelmed (then COVID came along). Our relationship suffered, and we tried to muddle through. Over time, my wife began to withdraw and the physical intimacy became less and less.

Having children meant that we were pretty busy and on the go, and we were still able to occasionally go on date nights and weekends away and have the spark return. But we were frogs in a pot of water being heated up, and didn't pay attention to the warning signs or do anything to take action. When I did try to ask for more, my wife wasn't interested.

About six months ago, my wife began an affair with someone who works in her field and lives in a different city. When I found out at the end of the summer, we agreed to stay together and use it as the impetus to reconnect with each other. I would accept the other relationship, and that we would try polyamory (I guess this is polyamory under duress). She would see him when their work meant they were in the same city for a conference, and we would be nesting partners. Things were good for a while, and it felt like we'd reconnected. We were having more sex again, and I felt like we were in love with each other again. At the same time, it was hard for me to accept the other relationship, and after the initial buzz wore off that definitely put a strain on things. I've been going to individual therapy, and that's helped me get to the point where I was ready to fully embrace being in a polyamorous relationship with her. But we were definitely in don't ask, don't tell territory when it came to the other relationship. I didn't want to date anyone else, and I still don't. I'm too mentally drained right now to even contemplate another relationship.

My wife has seen her new partner twice this autumn. The second time was a week or so ago. When she came back, things had changed. She said that she loved her new partner, and that they wanted to see more of each other than simply work trips. She also wasn't sure she loved me any more and she needed time to think.

I am devastated. The rules have changed just as I was accepting them, and I feel betrayed in a way that I did not when I found out about the affair. I am angry at my wife and her new partner, but I still deeply love her. We need to find something that works for both of us as we raise our kids together. She had been resistant to therapy, but she's finally agreed to go to help her think through things. She's also agreed to slow things down so that noone makes any rushed decisions.

I've told her that I can make polyamory work if she can commit to rebuilding our relationship, and she's considering it. At this point, the ideal would be being loving nesting partners as we raise our children together, and she has more license to see her other partner. Communication would be better, and we would aim for kitchen table polyamory to ensure that everyone was happy. To top it all off, her partner is also married and his wife does not know. It sounds like his wife would divorce him if she found out, but I have no real idea. As you can see, it's a mess all round.

A toxic separation is something we both want to avoid due to our kids. The alternative, co-parenting but having to work around her new relationship feels too painful to accommodate. I'd rather be in her life, and be in a tender, quiet relationship. I know that I can't compete with the new relationship energy, I just want there still to be space with me.

A couple of additional points:
We saw a couples counsellor a couple of times. She said that we communicated well, but as we wanted different things (me a proper relationship, my wife not being sure) that she couldn't help us as we wanted different things....

Writing all of this out, makes my wife seem like a monster. She is not. She has tried to look out for me as best she can, but she fell out of love with me, and we didn't take steps to repair things until the 11th hour. She cares about me deeply and is trying to help as best she can. But she also wants to be with her new partner.
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Thank you for sharing all of this, it’s incredibly hard to open up about something so painful and complicated, and you’ve done it with a lot of clarity and honesty. None of what you’re feeling is unreasonable. You’ve been trying to hold your marriage together, adapt to huge changes, support your wife’s needs, and care for your kids, all while processing a level of emotional whiplash that would shake anyone.

What you’re describing doesn’t make your wife a monster, and it doesn’t make you weak. It shows two people who’ve been stretched thin for a long time, who didn’t have the support they needed, and who ended up taking different paths to deal with the disconnect. But it’s also okay to acknowledge that her choices have caused you real hurt, even if she didn’t intend to.

The uncertainty you’re in right now is one of the hardest places to sit. You’ve shown so much patience and willingness to adapt, but your needs matter just as much as hers. It’s good that she’s agreed to slow things down and seek therapy, that at least gives some space for reflection instead of everything spinning forward without you.

Whatever happens next, you deserve a relationship—poly or not—where you’re genuinely wanted, valued, and not just trying to keep up with someone else's momentum or new relationship energy. Wanting to preserve a stable, loving environment for your kids says a lot about your character, but it’s also important that you don’t disappear into the background just to hold everything together.

I really hope therapy helps both of you get clarity, not just about the relationship, but about what each of you is actually capable of giving and receiving right now. You’re not alone in feeling devastated or conflicted, a lot of people in poly communities have gone through something similar, and it is survivable, no matter how bleak it feels.
Please keep taking care of yourself. You’re carrying a lot, and you deserve support while you navigate this.
 
I'm sorry this is happening.

The transition to polyamory is radical. It's never just "nesting partners as before, and she can see him on the trip." It's a total shift from being the one and only to being one in a network, emphasizing individuals over marriages, and placing the responsibility for being content or changing his network back into their hands. In other words, while some polyamorous people don't like hearing this, and all polyamorous people opening up formerly mono messages try to lessen the impact, you do get "less" (less status, less exclusivity, usually less time, and while in NRE, less focus) if you need to "share." Mono-poly is hard for that reason: The mono partner doesn't want to be part of a network. They want the sole focus from their partner.

If you're gonna be part of a poly relationship, you'll gonna have to accept that you are part of a network, not a couple. And the other nodes can be just as important.

But how can you be part of a network if you only want a romantic connection with one? I think, even if you're not poly, social connections to your friends are one answer. Hobbies are an answer. A rich and fulfilling individual life, which also works with your partner absent, is also an answer. Your partner is not the only thing you love in life. Focus on your many loves.
 
Hello Shyguy,

You are not an idiot, you are just trying to save your marriage in the face of a very difficult situation. It's a real problem that your wife's new boyfriend's wife does not know, although I don't think that's for you to worry about, that's for him to figure out. You do have to feel that your wife is cheating.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you are struggling.

To me, this is a double affair, and not anything akin to ethical polyamory, where all parties know and consent.

On your side, you know about it now. But it's basically a cheating affair in the open, rather than behind your back.

To the other spouse, it's a cheating affair behind her back.

My wife has seen her new partner twice this autumn. The second time was a week or so ago. When she came back, things had changed. She said that she loved her new partner, and that they wanted to see more of each other than simply work trips. She also wasn't sure she loved me anymore. She needed time to think.
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Have you two considered a trial separation for a year, without getting mean or toxic about it? You live in your place, she lives in hers, and you work out separation agreements/custody for the kids. She can date or not, as she wants, on her side. You can date or not, as you want, on your side.

I think you might benefit from a taste of life without all this stress/mess at least part time. Gain some calm, so you can attend therapy and decide if you want to try to reconcile, and change to actual polyamory, or divorce. One of your conditions for getting back together might be her dumping the cheating dude.

I've told her that I can make polyamory work if she can commit to rebuilding our relationship, and she's considering it. At this point, the ideal would be being loving nesting partners as we raise our children together, and she has more license to see her other partner. Communication would be better, and we would aim for kitchen table polyamory to ensure that everyone was happy. To top it all off, her partner is also married and his wife does not know. It sounds like his wife would divorce him if she found out, but I have no real idea. As you can see, it's a mess all round.
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Gently... if you met your wife for the first time today and she said, "Hey, I'm helping a coworker cheat on their spouse. Wanna date me and do KTP polyamory with us?" would you sign up? Or would you say, "No, thanks. I'll pass," and go do KTP polyamory with healthier people instead?

I think you are grieving, and maybe going through bargaining stage of grief. Could that be true? You might talk to your counselor about all this.

Sometimes the most loving thing to do is a peaceful parting and changing to peaceful divorced coparents, rather than trying to force things to keep going and damaging yourselves, each other, and the kids in the process. But I know that's hard to think about. :(

You have my sympathies.

Galagirl
 
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Typically in these cheating hack stories, there’s mention of some counseling or therapy to bridge the breach of trust and betrayal. In this it sounds like that didn’t happen, and the solution was poly, or some agreed-upon quasi-limited contact meet-ups.

How long had her affair gone on before you found out? We’ve seen plenty of people use poly or converted affairs as soft exits to a marriage. This definitely has that ring to it. Besides getting busted having an affair that she’s unwilling to give up, does your wife have any idea/knowledge of the hurdles, pain, emotional processing, day-to-day logistics of operating in this space?

I think you might be an idiot in so far as ethical non-monogamy takes an enormous amount of trust, and even with that, the goalposts are always moving. But in your case, dealing with 2 cheaters, how can you trust a single word or a single action for more than a few hours? If you do want to play out this hand for the kids, I’d find a good lawyer and draw up a generous post-nup agreement and get her to sign it. That won’t stop her from walking out, but at least you can limit some of the sting or insult to injury.

Work with a therapist to grieve the loss of your marriage, because even if you get some poly thing to fly, the old dynamic is dead and gone. As said above, you’re now one of (X). There’s a history and some shared responsibilities and practical stuff holding you two together.

The mistake most of us make (myself included) is thinking or believing that the love we feel is reciprocated by our spouse, especially with words of affection or affirmation. The trap many of us fall into is the old… ”I love you, but I’m not in love with you," which never hits until stuff like this happens. I guess my point is, it’s super easy to get blindsided.
 
Thanks for the notes; it’s interesting to see the different reactions.

The strange thing is that I (one guy, emotionally drained and no current interest in poly, scared of losing his wife) had made my peace with polyamory and nesting partners. Before she went on the two trips, I had felt very loved and secure. And then everything changed. She is trying to be honest and still looking out for me as she navigates everything. I do appreciate that, even though she has devastated me.

The galling thing was that when I found out (the affair started in May, I found out in August, and at that point they had slept together once in May and been emailing and texting a lot), she had assured me she could love two people, and that I had nothing to worry about. I don’t think she meant to lie, but the new relationship energy from the trips and the problems that existed in our own relationship have meant that she has now changed her views. I also don’t think it’s fair to compare the day-to-day mundanity of everyday life, making lunches, getting the kids to school etc., with an intense week away with one’s new lover, but there you go.

She fully understands the pain she’s caused. She knows I still love her, and she has tried to apologize. She’s agreed to think about a polyamorous romantic relationship with me long-term, and go to individual therapy to see if that’s what she wants.

Can someone regain romantic feelings for their partner after they’ve eroded over time? Perhaps, but in this situation there’s a lot of competing pressures, and I suspect it’s a long shot. I think it would make things easier for me to handle her new relationship. I love her so much and I want to be with her. Even with all the pain, I still have to stop myself from falling back into saying “I love you” at the end of a phone call or kissing her when I see her.

The funny thing is that at this point I feel I have some of an idea of the competing demands, being part of a network that polyamory involves, having struggled with my wife’s divided attention for several months and thinking about how I wanted to move forward. She does to some extent too.

I have no idea how her new partner feels about polyamory. If they actually follow through and escalate their relationship to more than just work trips, then it sounds like he will have to come clean to his wife and his marriage will end. He has kids too, though I think they’re teenagers. His job is on the other side of the country, and I don’t think there’s much possibility of moving, so they are mostly limited to trips, or perhaps a visit. I know it’s all fucked up. And I really feel for his wife (and I feel guilty to have been an accessory to some degree by accepting).

In the meantime, I’m trying to see friends and play sport. We were due to visit her family over the holidays (her parents know, they suspected something was up and asked her straight up if she was having an affair last week). We’ve discussed me taking a solo trip to Costa Rica over the holidays rather than being with the in-laws. Not entirely sure if that’s the right course of action, but it gives me something to think about and plan for now. Who knows? Maybe we’d even be able to go back there together one day in the future!
 
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I can see you're hopeful and in the bargaining stage of grief, in your last line. You hope for a romantic vacation together someday, while meanwhile your wife's heart is on the East Coast with her cheating new lover? Ugh.

How can she imagine having this part-time, long-distance lover, when she's got two young kids in elementary school? What could her future ever be? Her cheating bf divorces his unsuspecting wife, she divorces you, and ... works out a custody arrangement so she can move to the East Coast??

Come on now.

I have to wonder what exactly your marital problems are, that it's come to this cheating and fantasy that is giving her a reason to live. I hope more couples counseling will help. If one counselor declares they can't help you two because your goals are not the same, try another counselor. The goal in couples counseling is always to come to terms with each other, or break up as amicably as possible.

You seem to be in shock, denial and in the bargaining stage of grief, my friend. My heart aches for you. I do wonder what your wife's take on all this is, though. What kind of desperation led her to these unethical choices?

This is not polyamory. This is a cheating affair. You found out she is cheating on you, and you hope to convert this to polyamory. But wife's bf is fully cheating. Polyamory means loving multiple people with the knowledge and joyful consent of all. Now your wife is saying she doesn't even love you anymore! Yikes.
 
Disclaimer: My bf broke up with me 6 weeks ago after 4 years of a mono-poly relationship (me mono, he "poly"). My views may be skewed.

In general, I strongly believe that people start affairs in an attempt to save the existing relationship, when they feel that they're missing something so much that they have to get it and they become certain they cannot obtain it in the relationship they already have. In that sense, I don't think your wife did anything evil.

However, I do believe that by staying in the relationship as you describe it now, by fighting for it, you're setting yourself up to investing a lot of emotional energy, time, finances and chores into a relationship doomed for a divorce a couple of years down the line.

I think a good test of the quality of a polyamorous relationship is "Let me think of a friend who is open to polyamory; would I be ashamed to tell them in detail about my own relationship?" If there are things that you'd be ashamed to admit you have accepted, then maybe they're things you should not accept.

The next paragraph is adapted from
the video is AI-generated, but I think it may be worth watching:

The real question isn't whether your wife is willing to work on the relationship with you; the real question is whether you trust yourself to stay whole while in a relationship with her. The way she's treating you is conditioning you into believing that losing yourself is the only way to keep her. Her inconsistency teaches you that stability is too much to ask for. Her withdrawal teaches you that being honest with your feelings is dangerous. And over time you learn to bend, you learn to swallow your hurt, you learn to tone down your love, you learn to exist in a half version of yourself, believing that if you could just stay easy, low pressure and uncomplicated, things might finally work. That's how self-abandonment happens, not in one moment, but in many small ones.
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So, even if you get to the point that you'd divorce, if there weren't kids, you will consider staying for the kids' sake. My own parents have postponed the divorce until my early twenties although their relationship has been strained since my preschool age; I am confident there were no affairs. I am not certain it was a good decision. I've witnessed them arguing over and over again; there were aspects of co-dependency, both of them accepting some toxic behaviours from the other in order to sustain the relationship. All these things become a pattern that the kids learns and then struggles to unlearn in their own relationships.

Do you want to teach your son that if his partner has a secret affair, then tells him he's no longer loved, he should stay in the relationship nonetheless?
 
The strange thing is that I (one guy, emotionally drained and no current interest in poly, scared of losing his wife) had made my peace with polyamory and nesting partners. Before she went on the two trips, I had felt very loved and secure. And then everything changed. She is trying to be honest and still looking out for me as she navigates everything. I do appreciate that, even though she has devastated me.
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It might be worth examining that with your counselor.

Why are you scared of losing your wife as your wife? Where is she actually going to go? You have kids — even if you divorced, you’d still be in each other’s lives as co-parents. It’s not the same as staying married, but if she decides she doesn’t want to be married anymore, you can’t make her stay married. You might work it out, or you might not — and I think coming to terms with both possibilities is part of the process.

Everything you’re feeling makes sense — you worked hard to accept poly and then the whole situation shifted under your feet. She said she’s not sure she loves you anymore. So even with a poly option, you may need to ask her directly whether she wants to continue the marriage or whether she’s stepping away from something that feels emotionally empty to her. Contemplating that, and actually asking it out loud could shake anyone. But you still have to ask. You can't be a mind reader.

It’s good that she’s being honest now and going to therapy, but it’s also okay to admit that you can’t pin your hopes on her feelings returning. I think you're doing the right things by leaning on friends, staying active, and giving yourself some space. It is okay for you to live some of your own life, instead of being completely wrapped up in what she’s doing.

Would you consider a solo trip on your own or with a friend over the holidays, instead of trying to create a romantic reset with her?

You’re handling a complicated situation, while still working and taking care of the kids. You deserve some breaks, too. I get that you'd like to have a break WITH her. But maybe it's okay to plan for BOTH? A break with her, and one on your own, or with friends?

I know you aren't dating on your side. But if she gets to take time off from parenting duties to see Dude, I think you could have the same amount of time to have parenting breaks too.

GG
 
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Shyguy said:
In the meantime, I’m trying to see friends and play sport. We were due to visit her family over the holidays (her parents know, they suspected something was up and asked her straight up if she was having an affair last week), and we’ve discussed me taking a solo trip to Costa Rica over the holidays rather than being with the in-laws. Not entirely sure if that’s the right course of action, but it gives me something to think about and plan for now. Who knows? Maybe we’d even be able to go back there together one day in the future!
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I’m curious as to why you'd want to be around her family, or they wouldn’t want to be around you, after their daughter got caught having an affair. Is there some bad blood there? I’m not trying to throw gas on an already-burning fire, but wouldn’t you being in Costa Rica, and her and the kids at her parents' allow for another holiday meet-up? I don’t know who suggested you go solo to Costa Rica, or why. I am just thinking of alternative motives.

Also, this might sound silly to ask at this stage of your journey, but have you LOCKED DOWN the safer sex practices and the consequences/contingencies, i.e., pregnancy? I was just thinking what could make this messy situation more messy-- a new year's love child.
 
dingedheart said:
I’m curious as to why you'd want to be around her family, or they wouldn’t want to be around you, after their daughter got caught having an affair Is there some bad blood there? I’m not trying to throw gas on an already-burning fire, but wouldn’t you being in Costa Rica, and her and the kids at her parents' allow for another holiday meet-up? I don’t know who suggested you go solo to Costa Rica, or why. I am just thinking of alternative motives.

Also, this might sound silly to ask at this stage of your journey, but have you LOCKED DOWN the safer sex practices and the consequences/contingencies, i.e., pregnancy? I was just thinking what could make this messy situation more messy-- a new year's love child.
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I actually suggested it. Part of me just wants to be as far away as possible right now and avoid the whole situation rather than play happy families. Her family is great, there’s no bad blood, but it’s going to be hard for me to be there since they know. Her mum was supportive of her actions, and implied (hearing this second hand so I may not be entirely accurate) that in the long term it’d be better for everyone (kids included) if we weren’t together if she doesn’t love me.

Will they pity me? Act differently? I want to show up for the kids too, but there’ll be lots of help around for me to actually get away without it being a burden on my wife. So I don’t know…

I assume he’d be spending the holidays with his family in a different time zone, but who knows? I just want to focus on my relationship right now.

We did discuss safe sex, pregnancy, etc., when I found out. I’ve been assured that precautions are being taken. I have to trust her.
 
Shyguy said:
I actually suggested it. Part of me just wants to be as far away as possible right now and avoid the whole situation rather than play happy families. Her family is great, there’s no bad blood, but it’s going to be hard for me to be there since they know. Her mum was supportive of her actions, and implied (hearing this second hand so I may not be entirely accurate) that in the long term it’d be better for everyone (kids included) if we weren’t together if she doesn’t love me.
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I understand. I'd feel awkward being around my wife's parents in this situation too. I think a solo vacation sounds great! Clear your head, relax, maybe have fun seeing the sights, talking to other friendly tourists or locals.
Shyguy said:
Will they pity me? Act differently? I want to show up for the kids too, but there’ll be lots of help around for me to actually get away without it being a burden on my wife. So I don’t know.

I assume he’d be spending the holidays with his family in a different time zone, but who knows? I just want to focus on my relationship right now.

We did discuss safe sex, pregnancy, etc., when I found out. I’ve been assured that precautions are being taken. I have to trust her.
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You don't just "have to trust her." You can start using condoms with her if there might be a paternity or STD risk. If she gets pregnant by him, you, as the legal husband, would be responsible for the resulting child, unless you do a DNA test after the birth and prove the baby isn't yours.
 
I'm sorry I assumed your wife's cheating partner was on the "East Coast." I think I got you mixed up with another guy who posted here in a similar situation, who is American, lives in Colorado, and his partner's new bf is on the US East Coast. Apologies. I get the idea now you aren't even in the US.

Anyway, it's interesting your wife's mom approves of her daughter having an affair if she's "not happy in her marriage." Generally if a marriage is unhappy, the ethical choice is to get counseling, and/or separate/divorce, not cheat.

And you, the husband, didn't realized the extent of your wife's unhappiness. sigh... Maybe wife had been confiding in her mom about her feelings and choices all along.
 
I actually suggested it. Part of me just wants to be as far away as possible right now and avoid the whole situation rather than play happy families.
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So take a break, and don't play "happy family" this year, when it just isn't all that happy for you. If anyone in her family asks why you are skipping holidays and are away this year, be honest: "It's not great holidays for me. I need some time apart while she figures out what to do about her cheating affair." You aren't the one who made it weird. They already know she's involved in that. It's not gonna be a surprise to them.

Her mum was supportive of her actions, and implied (hearing this second hand, so I may not be entirely accurate) that in the long term it’d be better for everyone (kids included) if we weren’t together if she doesn’t love me.
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You heard this from wife? That second part is true. If wife doesn't love you anymore, in the long term, it would be better for you, wife, and kids if you two broke up as peacefully as possible and changed to divorced co-parents. Beats being in a loveless marriage, just going through the motions and growing resentments.

The mom was being supportive of her daughter getting involved in a double cheating affair? I doubt that. Most people aren't supportive of that.

GG
 
A brief update. My wife’s other partner came clean to his wife, and they have agreed to separate. It sounds like it was fairly amicable, which is good. In the meantime, he’s content to not push for any drastic decisions between my wife and I so that we can take our time to work out the best way forward for us and the kids. So let’s see…
 
Shyguy said:
A brief update. My wife’s other partner came clean to his wife, and they have agreed to separate. It sounds like it was fairly amicable, which is good. In the meantime, he’s content to not push for any drastic decisions between my wife and I so that we can take our time to work out the best way forward for us and the kids. So let’s see…
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These are really good news.
 
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