Am I doing the right thing?

BridetoB

New member
Hi, I am a naturally polyamorous woman engaged to a monogamous man. I have chosen to be mono for him for the past 2 years because of how much I love him. It is 5 months to our wedding and I’m very scared. However much I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, I am missing having other relationships very badly. I have started talking to someone online, who I am really crazy about, behind my fiancé’s back.
I feel so stuck because I know it would really hurt him if he knew, and a poly relationship would never be for him. At the same time I need to think about my mental wellbeing and being in one relationship doesn’t give me everything I need.
I do love him and want to marry him but I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. Please help!
B xx
 

Evie

Moderator
Please do everyone involved a favour and end your engagement now. You know that this relationship is not going to be sustainable as a monogamous marriage, it's already dysfunctional.

So, talk to him and tell him you've realised that you really can't deny your desire for polyamory. You can do this without throwing online guy into the conversation, just that you've been soul searching as a part of the engagement and you've realised you simply thrive with the option to do polyamory and if he's seeking a monogamous marriage, then you now know you can't give him that. He might surprise you and be open to a mono-poly relationship. But honestly, you're more likely to break up, and that's okay too. Engagements are to help determine compatibility and it could just be that you're simply not long term compatible. Yes, such an ending will suck beyond belief, but it opens the way for future, more compatible relationships. And those are invaluable.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I mean this kindly, ok?

I think you could do the right thing even if it feels scary or hard and TELL your fiancé how you are feeling. You are engaged. Lean in and do the business of engagement --- talking about all the deep compatibility issues. Do not withhold emotional honesty from your partner. That doesn't serve you well, and it doesn't treat him well either.

I am a fan of loooong engagements. A year or more! To me engagement is successfully in one of two ways.

1) The couple talks. Does the marriage prep stuff informally or formally by taking a class online, at their house of worship, at the county extension office. Maybe see a marriage counselor, read a marriage prep book together, whatever. They ENGAGE in the serious talks and discover that NO. They are not deeply compatible and end the engagement period with a small win -- they save themselves the cost of a wedding or wedding+divorce later. They do NOT move on to wedding planning.

2) The couple does the work of engagement. They find they ARE deeply compatible, and then they end the engagement period. And move on to planning a wedding.

I think a lot of couples don't spend enough time being engaged. Like really ENGAGED in the conversations. They just jump to planning. Not their MARRIAGE, and maybe not too much on the actual wedding ceremony, but REALLY caught up in the reception party.

However much I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, I am missing having other relationships very badly. I have started talking to someone online, who I am really crazy about, behind my fiancé’s back.

I think maybe deep down you know you are on the slippery slope there and kinda cheating if your agreements with your fiancé are being broken. You are posting here.

Could stop going off into "escape land" with the online person crush thing. Could atop avoiding and go talk to your fiance to address it.

Maybe he's willing to postpone marriage and try doing mono-poly for a while first. Maybe not. Maybe you simply work out better as friends, and you can love each other and be in each other's lives that's ways.

But don't go marry them when you know you are not the right person for that job -- being a monogamous SPOUSE.

Esp when you know marriage like this is not how you want to be married and it hurts you too.

Galagirl
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello BridetoB,

Let's do a little thought experiment, and suppose that you do marry this man. What kind of a marriage will you have? Will you be able to be faithful to him? Considering you are not yet married, and are already having a virtual affair, I think it's safe to say you will probably sleep around on your husband. Which is fine, as long as he never finds out. But a truly monogamous marriage does not seem to be in the cards for you. And even if it was, even if you could be faithful to your husband, would you really be happy with that arrangement? I know you love him, you want to grow old with him, but is that really realistic? What if you are unhappy, what if you even grow to resent him and/or the situation? Will you end up getting a divorce? or, like I said, will you end up sleeping around on him? and hoping you don't get caught?

If you are determined to go ahead with this wedding, then my advice to you is to stop talking to that person online, even though you are crazy about that person. Commit yourself to having an *honestly* monogamous relationship with your husband-to-be. And don't be unhappy in that relationship, either. Put polyamory out of your mind, count your blessings, and be glad that you get to be with the man whom you love. Be 100% faithful to him in your marriage with him, don't ever sleep around, don't talk to people online, and don't think about such things. Commit yourself to being truly happy, and satisfied, with the man who makes you happy (but does not completely satisfy you) right now. Be present with him. Don't let your mind wander into the other relationships that you wish you had. Give it your all. 100%.

In other words, whatever you decide, do it totally. Don't live in limbo. If you can't be truly happy with this monogamous man, do not marry him. You have to ask yourself whether you can truly be happy with him ... and I mean happy 100%. Not just happy but wistful at times. And definitely not happy but sleeping around (in secret). Definitely not happy but continuing to talk to someone online. If you can be completely happy or at least want to try, give it your total effort. Don't cheat on your husband, and don't cheat on him any longer while he's your fiancé. I know you're not literally sleeping around right now, but you are already on a slippery slope that will probably lead to sleeping around in the future ... and at the least it is not really, truly, honestly monogamous behavior. Don't be poly and mono at the same time.

I hope you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

BridetoB

New member
Thank you all for your kind replies,
I spoke to my fiancé last night which was extremely hard but didn’t come as a surprise to him. I did not mention, in my previous post, that we were engaged previously for 3 years and I had a similar talk with him then, when I’d developed feelings for a friend. We had a break, for other reasons as well, for 2 years.

The reason I chose to get back together with him was that I still loved him and I desperately needed stability back in my life which I knew he could give. He is the only person who can help me stay stable when I am suffering greatly with my mental health.

When we spoke, I could see how much it was hurting him and it broke my heart. I know that a poly lifestyle would never be on the cards for him now nor ever. It seems like his solution is, again, going to be to ignore it and hope it goes away. Maybe he thinks marriage will make it go away.
I explained to him that I cannot vow to only love him when I know my capability for loving others alongside him. Even if I don’t seek out other relationships there is always the chance I could fall in love againmeaning I would have broken my vow.
It’s not about wanting or needing to sleep around with anyone, but about denying my own nature which is often to love more than one person at once.

He has decided to take a few days off of work so we can spend time together and I want to really talk to him about our vows in that time. I only want to make vows to him that I reasonably think I can keep. I can promise to be faithful and not sleep with anyone else, but I can’t promise never to have feelings for someone else.

I don’t think I will ever be truly happy choosing a monogamous lifestyle, but then I don’t think I’m the kind of person who can ever be truly happy. When I was in multiple relationships before, I was very happy until my mental health got poor again and neither of my partners could help.
Maybe I just need to choose this man for what he can do for me and just forget about what he can’t, even if I will crave those things greatly.

I will miss the breaking up of monotony and change of scene that having more than one partner gives, I will miss the opportunity to get to know more people at their most vulnerable which always helps me understand things a little better. I will obviously be giving up my chance to have the sexual experiences I have always wanted and the chance to have more experiences in life in general.
If I love him enough, surely I can give up these so that I can have him and stay stable and safe.

I need to focus on what I can do with him to enrich my life, and sacrifice what I can’t do with him. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever find someone who loves me like he does in a million years.

B x

ps. I have not yet spoken to the man I met online. I’d like to still talk to him as a friend, but know this may be dangerous. I have the comfort of knowing he lives far away, and is in a relationship with kids, to hope nothing will ever happen in reality between us.
 

TXretired

Member
It took guts to have the talk. It will be important to continue talking, in my case 37 yrs of talking. Only you can decide what is best for you, not any of us. Evaluate the pros and cons. If you feel that the stability is what you need, latch on and don’t look back. If you feel that you need the poly experience, latch on and don’t look back. Be true to yourself.

is the online contact in a poly relationship? Or is he cheating?
 

BridetoB

New member
It took guts to have the talk. It will be important to continue talking, in my case 37 yrs of talking. Only you can decide what is best for you, not any of us. Evaluate the pros and cons. If you feel that the stability is what you need, latch on and don’t look back. If you feel that you need the poly experience, latch on and don’t look back. Be true to yourself.

is the online contact in a poly relationship? Or is he cheating?
He’s monogamous but has spoken to his other half about splitting up. It was by accident that we started chatting and found such a deep connection.
I value him as a friend and am devastated that I am going to have to lose that if we stop talking xx
 

TXretired

Member
I understand that type of loss. It is hard to deal with. Hopefully, your fiancé understands it is a friend level. It is difficult position to be in.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
FWIW, these things pop out to me.

The reason I chose to get back together with him was that I still loved him and I desperately needed stability back in my life which I knew he could give. He is the only person who can help me stay stable when I am suffering greatly with my mental health.

I don't know what your treatment/management plan is for your mental health and you don't have to say here.

I will say that if you do not have one and do not have a counselor? Consider seeing one and making a treatment/management plan with them.

I you already have a treatment/management plan and already have a counselor, please run all this by them.

You are contemplating a really BIG life decision.

FWIW, I am glad you talked to your fiancé. I get you love him a lot, and I could be wrong... but it kinda sounds like you are trying to make him be your "life raft" or "prop me up" person so you can cope with your mental health. Are you?

If you already broke up for two years? Taking him back and marrying him just to use him for a stability crutch? That doesn't seem right.

If your management plan not working out, maybe its time to change it up?

It’s not about wanting or needing to sleep around with anyone, but about denying my own nature which is often to love more than one person at once.

So... it can't be a middle place? Where you don't see other people so it's Closed enough for him? And you get to talk about your poly thoughts and feelings so it is Open enough for you and you aren't denying your nature?


I can promise to be faithful and not sleep with anyone else, but I can’t promise never to have feelings for someone else.

Whose expectation is that?

I don’t think I will ever be truly happy choosing a monogamous lifestyle, but then I don’t think I’m the kind of person who can ever be truly happy.

I find it sad you have given up on happiness.

When I was in multiple relationships before, I was very happy until my mental health got poor again and neither of my partners could help.

Sounds like this is the one bright spot where you were happy. When you were polyshipping.

A partner or partners can support in appropriate ways, but in the end? You are the one who has to do the actual work. To find health professionals to design treatment/management plan and then work your plan. Back then did you seek health care? Is it an insurance issue? You want to get married to gain access to health insurance? (Again you don't have to share anything about your health stuff here. I just ask so you REALLY think hard about this marriage thing.)

Maybe I just need to choose this man for what he can do for me and just forget about what he can’t, even if I will crave those things greatly.

You sound like you are trying to talk yourself into something.

Using him like a crutch or using him for services provided doesn't sound like a great marriage deal for him.

And "denying my nature" and "settling" doesn't sound like a great marriage deal for you either.

If I love him enough, surely I can give up these so that I can have him and stay stable and safe.

What do you need to stay stable and safe? Are you able to articulate?

What happens if you don't "love him enough?"

I need to focus on what I can do with him to enrich my life, and sacrifice what I can’t do with him. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever find someone who loves me like he does in a million years.

I could be wrong but this post seems backwards. To me it almost sounds like it could go like this. I color it blue just to visually block it off.

I am suffering greatly with my mental health.
I desperately needed stability back in my life.
I got back together with him because I think he is the only person who can help me stay stable. I don't know how to do that by myself.
I honestly don’t think I’ll ever find someone who loves me like he does in a million years.
He doesn't want poly. In order to get his help and enjoy his stability and his love...I am thinking about denying my poly nature and sacrificing what I value and what I can't do in order to be with him.
When I was in multiple relationships before, I was very happy.
  • I will miss the breaking up of monotony and change of scene that having more than one partner gives
  • I will miss the opportunity to get to know more people at their most vulnerable which always helps me understand things a little better.
  • I will obviously be giving up my chance to have the sexual experiences I have always wanted
  • I will be giving up the chance to have more experiences in life in general.
In order to make up for what I give up, I think I need to focus on what I can do with him to enrich my life
I don’t think I will ever be truly happy choosing a monogamous lifestyle.
But I think that's ok because I don’t think I’m the kind of person who can ever be truly happy anyway.

If that's how you are thinking? I don't think this is a good way or good reasons to be married.

If you aren't going to end it because of the compatibility issues between mono vs poly?

Maybe go for a longer engagement while seeking health care so you can become more stable on your own two feet first? Slow the wedding thing down some?

Def don't put yourself into a box only to regret it later down. Be SURE this is the path you want to take.

The price of admission is high -- and I'm not talking about only the finances involved in wedding. The cost on emotional health, mental health, spiritual health is there too. Denying your nature, giving up polyshipping (the one thing were you were very happy), etc.

Again, I mean all that kindly. Not trying to bring you down.

Just really concerned you are hurting yourself if you get married like this.

It doesn't sound like getting married in good faith to me. :(

Galagirl
 
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Dagferi

Active member
Sometimes love is not enough.

And it is not fair to put the burden of your mental health on your partner. It is not his job to provide you stability.

You cheated on your fiance by talking to someone else online.

Marriage should be the least of your concerns right now.
 

tdh

Member
It would be better to be honest with yourself and your partner and right now that is not happening.

But you also need to reach out to a professional to be as stable as possible on your own. Everyone has different level of access to health professionals but there is even online services now that is not that expensive. It almost reads like the only reason you want to stay with him is for him to help you be stable/mental benefits while you crave new and a little bit of lack of stability from time to time. This could lead to something way worse down the line
 
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