Am I getting better or worse? (cheating wife)

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DazednConfused

New member
So, as you may know, my wife Nora discovered/admitted she was polyamorous about 3 weeks ago.

*We are both female.*

Nora currently has a bf, Nick, a guy I actually introduced her to, a friend I grew up with. He has been married to his wife, Maya, who does not know, for 10 years. The last few weeks have been an apocalyptic disaster for me. My only saving grace has been finding some people here with a profound understanding of both sides of the coin (or maybe all three sides).

I have been trying very hard to protect Nora from... me? She insists she wants to remain my wife, and has insisted such through every minute of this. I have been doing all the research to help me cope; she and Nick are muddling, horribly, through it. I have encouraged them both to do their own homework, and met nothing but resistance.

Yesterday, I think I made some progress. I am a very hot-tempered person, and have done a fairly good job of being as kind as I could through all this, measuring my words before I speak. Well, yesterday I snapped a bit. I have been denying our marriage since this started. Nora, in turn, as I guess human nature would allow, accepted that, maybe too willingly. She made some unreasonable requests along the way, such as when we were out in public, she wasn't "with" either of us.

Well, I snapped yesterday. I told her that any of her bfs, now or later, will know she's married to me, and we will act as a married couple whenever we are together. Period. Of course, I will behave with consideration and class on a case-by-case basis, but our marriage is now and will always be the priority.

This was pretty big for me, as I'd refused to even call her my wife for weeks now. I hope I'm on the right path. I really am trying. I've never been a game-player. It seems polyamory requires 100% unadulterated honesty. I need to be better at expressing how I feel, without the worries of protecting her from my occasionally not-so-nice feelings.
 
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It sounds to me like you're doing just fine, dealing with what's come along and working for reasonable accommodation. Nora married you and you have every reason to expect her to act like she married you.

I'm troubled by Maya not knowing. That, in the game of polyamory, simply isn't cricket. At this point, Nick is not polyamorous, and Nora is simply enabling him to cheat, which also doesn't really qualify as poly. At this point, I don't really see any poly behavior from them, just bad monogamy, though you seem to be adjusting to living in a poly tangle as a mono decently.

There's something rich about that situation-- you, the mono partner, adjusting to the idea of a poly partner, while the supposed poly folk are simply bad monogamists. Sheesh.

In any case, keep your stick on the ice. Something good may come of this yet.
 
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AutumnalTone said:
It sounds to me like you're doing just fine, dealing with what's come along and working for reasonable accommodation. Nora married you, and you have every reason to expect her to act like she married you.
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AutumnalTone said:
I'm troubled by Maya not knowing. That, in the game polyamory, simply isn't cricket. At this point, Nick is not poly and Nora is simply enabling him to cheat, which also doesn't really qualify as poly. At this point, I don't really see any poly behavior from them--just bad monogamy--though you seem to be adjusting to living in a poly tangle as a mono decently.

There's something rich about that situation-- you, the mono partner, adjusting to the idea of a poly partner, while the supposed poly folk are simply bad monogamists. Sheesh.

In any case, keep your stick on the ice. Something good may come of this yet.
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If we had a rep system, I'd rep this. Totally on point. Nora is lucky to have you, and I hope she sees that.
 
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Wait a minute. Nick is married, and Maya doesn't know about Nora?!

I would go apeshit on both of them. Wow, you have been patient! I don't see how a little blowing up is a bad thing. They are both delusional, in my opinion, if they think this is a good idea.

If I were you, I would have nothing more to do with it, having heard this new information. Sorry, did I miss this before? I would be advocating for Nora to run very far from Nick and break contact immediately. He is in a world of trouble, if you ask me. He is treating someone with some of the biggest disrespect anyone can bestow on another. There is no integrity in it. It is so damaging, and often beyond repair, to cheat on someone who thinks you love them. Maya is trusting Nick, and that trust is in severe jeopardy. It is life-altering, and destroys something inside when it's broken. That trust is the same as we felt as children of our parents. Its a huge trust that makes us feel right in the world. Nick is taking that away from Maya.

Yes, I would encourage him to come clean about what he wants with Maya and their relationship, before engaging in any other relationships. He should not have anyone else in his life when he does this. It should be completely resolved before he steps out with another. Nora, I think, should stand well back, build her bond with someone else, or wait until Nick is really free to do as he wishes. Why would she want to be with someone who is not good enough for her? He is not good enough for her if he is having an affair with her. She is degrading her own self worth, and should realize he will likely do the same to her in treating her disrespectfully in some way, eventually. She is causing just as much damage as he is!

Yup, time to go and work on getting her priorities straight, if you ask me.
 
I very much agree, Redpepper, but it's one of those "sacrifice your integrity for your heart" kinds of things for Nora. I don't expect them to be an LTR.

Nick has been married for 10 years, and a cheater for 7. I think he got caught back in March, and has been on couch duty since. From what I understand, they are in it for their children, still. I actually observed his interaction with Maya at an event last night, and there's no doubt in my mind that they are in a loveless, long-since expired marriage. Evidently he has already advised Nora that he's in love with his (married) ex-girlfriend. She's okay with a sexual, dating, semi-romantic courtship, with the understanding that while there is romance between the two, it's not love.

He's very unskilled at the discretion of cheating. I'm confident Maya knows he's not faithful, and I'd be surprised if she were faithful, as well.

This is no attempt at justification of his behaviour. Hell, I'd be fine if he went away. This is just an attempt at clarification.
 
Thanks for clarifying. Nora has now entered that realm. That's really sad.

I don't care what Maya did, or how she makes him sleep on the couch. Nick created that. He caused that behaviour, and now they are both showing their children how to treat the ones they love with disrespect. Maya has become just as bad, as a result. The damage continues. The trust, that is so precious in a child, is being destroyed by watching their parents. And so another generation's trust in people is destroyed little by little. Shame. Shame on them. Shame on Nora! I get that they weren't doing well, but work on it or move on. That is what makes for healthy people.

Yup, I give you free rein to cause some major whoop-ass on Nora (for what it's worth). This would be a complete dealbreaker for me. I simply would not stay. I am still reaping what I sowed with an ex that was cheating on his wife, and I didn't even know! Nope, never again. I'd be done until she is done with him.
 
I don't disagree. I've been a mistress myself; and have since learned the life lessons, as well as being child of marriage broken by my cheating dad. While I could spell it out for Nora (as some of her friends are), I feel this is one I can't instruct her on. She's going to need to live/learn/deal with the consequences.
 
Holy shitballs. This is going to blow up in Nora's face. Like.... just... oh wow.
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Yeah, it is. Before she and I got together, I am ashamed to say I was with a married man for 6 years. I know the story she is about to write, and it has a tragic ending. The thing is, I can't help her, or protect her, and it makes my heart bleed. This one she's gotta do on her own. She and Nick suck at it, and have no idea how to be discreet. And worse, they think they are. If I lay it all on the line as for how bad the affair part of it is, I'll only seem bitter and jealous. Fortunately, some of her closest friends are starting to open up about how they feel. I can only hope they get through to her. While this half has nothing really to do with if I ever accept poly, it's still a freaking debacle.
 
Wow... just... wow... Are you sure I don't know you? Do you live in Florida? I have a female friend who is going through almost this EXACT scenario right now. Did you have breakfast at 3 Coins yesterday?
 
Okay, well, misery loves company. ;)

Anyway, my advice is the same. The reason I asked is this: the person I'm dealing with here is one of my ex-students. It would be kinda weird, and could change the relationship between us, if she knew about this side of my relationship with my wife. Maybe not, but maybe.

Anyway, on to the advice. I think you know what you need to do here. This is your heart you're playing with. And apparently, Nora couldn't care less WHOSE heart she's playing with. She is playing with your heart, Nick's heart, and Maya's heart. And, as her significant other, you are guilty by association. That's not fair to you, but I think you get the picture. So now YOU are also playing with Maya's heart. Anyway... Tread lightly.

Nora is playing a harried game here, one that's not fair to anyone else. I think it would be best if you simply cut ties now and gently explained to her that you are not willing to help her to help Nick cheat on his wife. Also explain that if Maya knew about the relationship, it wouldn't be so bad. But as it is, Nora is the other woman. This speaks volumes about her morality. And if she's willing to help Nick cheat, then she likely has the ability to cheat on you. If anyone in the relationship dynamic is lacking in the knowledge of any other person, then they are cheating.

Example: My wife and I are married and in a committed relationship. If you and I start to date without my wife knowing, then I am cheating. If, however, I let my wife know that you and I wish to date, and she is okay with it, then we are in a poly relationship. Now, if you and I become committed, and I am also committed to my wife, then you decide to date someone else, without letting me know, but letting my wife know, then you are cheating. And if my wife doesn't tell me, she is assisting you, and therefore, just as bad as you.

Do you follow this all so far? So, Nora is just as bad as Nick right now, because she is the other woman that he is cheating with. She needs to tell him that there will be no more, unless he lets Maya in on the whole thing. If Nora refuses to do this, then you need to drop her and move on.

This is, of course, just my opinion.
 
Certainly yet another perspective to view this all in. It's so overwhelming!! Geez, a month ago, life was perfect, planning vacations, retirement, thinking of buying a home and a new car. Now I feel like I can't plan for tomorrow.

I'm trying so hard to be careful, smart, and not lose myself (or my temper) to all this. It's making me nuts.😢
 
Ow. Ouch.

Hold onto your heart, and hold a lot of gentleness in reserve. Someone will need to pick up the pieces. If you love someone, then there is a time to watch, because you can't help, and then there will be a time to step forward, because it will be the time that you can help.

A hot temper can force a light to shine on things that people would like to keep dark. It can also, as I'm sure you know, break relationships before their time.

Think twice, look up at the sky and count to twenty, and be sure sure sure that what you are about to say is exactly what you should say and what you want to say. Speak out of love instead of anger whenever you can.

I know, yes, you are already there and you understand this stuff.

I wish the best for both of you.
 
Wow, Eugene, the Poet in your handle suits you. Thank you. It's all so damned hard. I really have been focusing on my communication, and have kept my anger under a very tight lid.

My challenge right now is making sure that I try with all my heart to be there in some capacity to pick up the pieces. I just don't know if I'm strong enough.

Next challenge:

On a few occasions, Nora has mentioned-- hell, I don't know the poly term-- to unite the three of us in a carnal way. Before Nora, I looked at sex as entertainment. I'd do anything for her. In theory, I have no issue with giving myself in this way for her. I did tell her that it would be as a gift to her. If she's making this request for Nick, they can forget it. Once again, to the person I was before her, it would've been no big deal. But last night I was thinking about it in greater detail, and I don't know if my heart needs to actually see it/them. If it were just some last-call Joe or Joann stranger, no prob. But this...

Part of me also suspects this is what Nick has been after all along. Perhaps the sooner this happens, the sooner she will see his intentions?
 
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Please pardon the double-post, I know it's bad form.

UGH, I suck!

So last night was Nora's first shot at taking me on a date. Well, there's this restaurant I've been trying to take her to for years now. Last weekend she told me she was running a race with Nick there, and I got pissed. Well, she took me there last night. I know it's silly, but it hurt. The whole date was disconnected. I knew she was somewhere else.

For about half the ride home, and a half hour after we got home, she cried. Tried too hard to plan our date, doesn't want to lose me, was uncomfortable. I just held her. We were home for less than a half hour, and Nick texted her, asking her first where she took me. 5 minutes later he texted her to come out.

Of course I told her to go, but I snapped. I was not even in the neighborhood of nice. I said something like, "Get the fuck away from me. Go have fun. Got money, condoms? Call if you get too drunk to drive." All said with a growl.

They met at the strip club, which pissed me off even more. First, I enjoyed going there with her. Secondly, I was embarrassed that the employees there would see them together. I was a furious mess.

We've since done the mea culpas, and are trying to have a good day today.

Will the peaks and valleys get smaller/further apart, or will I always be like this?

I also told her, next time, he can come to the house. I'll either go to another room, or leave. But it will be more discreet for them, and I won't be home screaming in my own head.

Good? Bad?
 
Why would you invite them to your house? Why are you giving up so much for this? I don't get how you see this as a win-win if you are just caving.
 
Yeah, I know. I'm losing my mind.

Pros:

- It's financial. Them dating is going to get expensive, for me. :(
- I worry so much when they are out about Nora's safety.
- If I'm the one sitting at home alone, my mind wanders to all the ugly places and I just stew.
- They are not as discreet as they think they are, and it embarrasses me.
- Again, lack of discretion, someone is going to see them together if they keep hiding in bars, it would be too easy/dangerous for Maya to find out.
- If I go out, I can distract myself from it. I can always try staying in our spare room. If I start to stew, I can step out.

Cons:
- I just built that damn bed.
- It's kinda squicky.


As for why I'm giving so much, if it turns out I can't accept Nora for this, I want to look back with no regrets, knowing I did all I possibly could for the one I love, even if I go a bit insane along the way. I also love her very much, and simply want to give her all the comfort I can while she's struggling through this. I know, deep down, Nick is just using her. She will get hurt. But in the meantime, it may make it a bit better?
 
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