Am I getting better or worse? (cheating wife)

I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain right now, Dazed. It's such a miserable irony that she is dumping you.

I remember you posting earlier in this thread, something about having accepted that she is a spoiled teenager at heart, and loving her anyhow. Not that it can help with the pain now, but perhaps there is some hope for the future in this.

There are adults out there to fall in love with. People who, if they love you, will care for your heart with all of theirs.

You deserve to be loved like that. And if you choose it, that kind of love will find you, one day.

Keep hanging in there,
Anotherbo
 
We're still working on it and talking. I actually convinced her (briefly) that doing some lurking/reading here might help us. I don't think it's spoiled teen, so much as NRE that keeps screwing things up. I do love her, and I've been pretty picky about who I love. The whole damn thing is so hard.
 
If Nora does start lurking here, she might be shocked at how negative our responses have been towards her and Nick. If so, I hope she can recognize that up until now, we've only heard one side of the story, and some of us (me included) may have rushed to judgement in the name of being supportive. But reading your posts may be instructive for her.
 
Something that has gone on this long is making me very impatient, at this point. Well, I lost that ages ago. An affair is an affair. I have no patience for how Nora has handled herself in this, with absolutely no compassion or care, just take take take.

When does Maya get to find out? I can't believe her marriage has been made a mockery for so long. I would be telling her by now.
 
Yeah, I wouldn't be able to go on double dates with Nick and his clueless wife. I wouldn't be able to help keep the affair a secret.
 
I agree with RP and Magdlyn. Maya deserves to know so that she too can move on with her life, either with or without him.
 
*hand up* I will tell Maya, if you want. :D

Nick should, of course, but she is being made fun of, and if it were me, I would want to know by any means necessary, if I were being made a fool of.

Okay, maybe not the best idea, but oh, the sweet release! I would breath a big sigh of relief.
 
I would have BEEN told the wife her husband ain't shit. You love her, so Imma keep my mouth shut about this latest development. Maybe I'll comment when I've gotten some sleep and can tap dance around what I really wanna say.
 
Like I've said before, Dazed, you DO deserve better than this. ((hugs))

I would be interested to know what you feel would keep you emotionally 'safe' right now. Staying with Nora, who rips your heart out by being with Nick, and disrespecting you, or getting out and finding a good support network to help you get through the pain of losing your marriage? It may sound trite/simple, but if you stay, then the pain will go on. You know that. How much more can you bear without losing who you are?
xxx
 
Thanks, as always.

As for Maya, I'm confident she knows he's cheating, just from what she's told me, and I suspect she may have an idea who with. That's really her business. They've had issues with his infidelity long before this started. There's no sense rubbing salt in her wounds.

I'm going to give it another shot of trying to let Nora do this, and support her and love her. This weekend should be pretty telling. Tonight it will be the four of us (plus a bunch more) at a lawn fete (beer tent with music). In a sense, it's good that I'm there. It will help keep the lovebirds in check. Tomorrow it may just be the three of us, and I'll be able to see the interaction better (if he doesn't pussy out again).

I do have a friend or two that are semi-aware of the issues, not the details, that I can talk to. As for my emotions, when it's all said and done, it's really up to me to find that secure place in my heart.

I'm a tough old bitch. I'll get there.
 
DazednConfused said:
I'm going to give it another shot of trying to let her do this, and support her and love her. This weekend should be pretty telling. Tonight it will be the four of us (plus a bunch more) at a lawn fete. In a sense, it's good that I'm there, to help keep the lovebirds in check..
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no no no

It's not your job to keep them in check! Can't you see? Nick is getting off on hurting both you and Maya, with all the (open) secrets, and running off for kissy-face, the drama, the subterfuge.

Cut her loose. Stop going on her dates with him. You're her beard! Give them enough rope to hang themselves. Let them work it out between them. Maya can go along if she wants, and watch their sexual energy, and mope around in her fog of not knowing for sure (denial, not just a river in Egypt), not admitting to what is staring her in the face. You don't have to! You're worth more than this. From where I sit, you're not loving and helping Nora, you're enabling her to act in an immoral way. This is not polyamory. This is a mess.

Sorry if I sound impatient, but my ex was a people pleaser for all the wrong reasons (very low self esteem) and it drove me crazy. Be true to yourself!
 
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You're her beard! Give them enough rope to hang themselves. Let them work it out between them. Maya can go along if she wants, and watch their sexual energy, and mope around in her fog of not knowing for sure (denial, not just a river in Egypt), not admitting to what is staring her in the face.
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I don't disagree. I'm just not there, yet.

One additional detail: my mom, aunt and a family friend are going to the same event tonight. I don't know if we'll run into them or not, but my family isn't stupid when it comes to this kind of thing. In light of my mom's current problems, I need to be my own beard, too.
 
Mamas are smart and wise and can tell when you're faking it.
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Yeah, I know. My aunt already called me out on it a few weeks back. I just said we were working on some problems.

It's just, with Mom sick, I really don't want to add any more upset. If I can keep things cool until my family goes home (they're early birds) I just think it'd be better.
 
I wanted to say thanks again for all your support, and add what might be my final update.

Friday was fine, with all four of us and some other friends. I got too drunk, I suppose because I had anxiety, knowing 'the talk' was still on the table for Sunday.

Saturday was a long story, and I'll spare all the silly 'this upset me' whining. Nick met us out Saturday night. I was really looking forward to the night, hoping the three of us could enjoy ourselves together, we'd go home, and I'd give them their space. Well, no such luck.

I excused myself to the ladies' room shortly after he got there (to give them some alone time). I asked Nora to watch my cup. (It's a huge pain in neck to get a cup at one of the beer tents.) I took my time getting back. I get back to where we were all standing. I see Nora walking away, and him across the tent. I call her back. She tells me he feels like he's intruding. I tell her that's silly, to go get him. Well, somehow that's not what she heard. She heard go TO him, because after watching them in each other's arms, I realized I was going to be sitting alone. I left, went home.

Yesterday we started discussing the separation. :( :( :(

This just sucks. I do see now that my inability to handle this is really taking a toll on her.

I'm going to stay in the spare bedroom for a while until we get our finances cleaner.

It's just so damned sad. I'm heartbroken. I know it's better for her.

I did promise that we could keep this between us, and I'd still go be arm candy when she needs to present a unified couple in front of Maya, so they can continue without issue. (Don't beat me up for it. I love her and she needs my help.)

I know she's starting to seek out help, and educate herself, even taking time to read here. If she does join, please go easy, and remember, I've only provided one side of the story. Help her, if your wisdom and experience can make her future better, kinder, and more loving.
 
DazednConfused said:
I do see now, that my inability to handle this is really taking it's toll on her. I'm going to stay in the spare bedroom for awhile until we get our finances cleaner. It's just so damned sad. I'm heartbroken, I know it's better for her. I did promise that we could keep this between us, and I'd still go be arm candy when she needs to present a unified couple in front of Maya, so they can continue without issue. (Don't beat me up for it. I love her and she needs my help.)

I know she's starting to seek out help, and educate herself, even taking time to read here. If she does join, please go easy, and remember, I've only provided one side of the story. Help her, if your wisdom and experience can make her future better, kinder, and more loving.
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Please do not beat yourself up. What you were given to handle was a messy situation. I don't think that stems from simple bias on your part. Clear, open, communication on ALL parties' parts is the only way these situations work without someone getting left holding the shitty end of a pointed stick.

Nora might start her self-education by reading The Ethical Slut. I am sure there are others on the boards with far more experience and knowledge than I who have other recommendations too. Actually, if you've not read it, you might want to read it to. It might help you work through your feelings about some of what you experienced and help you see clearer the roles that everyone plays in this situation.

I know (from experience) that a failed marriage HURTS like hell. But I am here today to tell you that you can get through it. You will be stronger and you will love again.

Best wishes for the greatest of luck and love for you!
 
Thanks, LW.

I did buy The Ethical Slut, and it did help me a lot. I haven't finished it yet.

Can you suggest another forum for her that she might not feel has been biased by my story?
 
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DazednConfused said:
Can you suggest another forum for her that she might not feel has been biased by my story?
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You know, she might just find that we are tolerant when she writes her version of what is going on. She might find it helpful to do that. I'm sure all of us would be open to hearing it. Besides, how would we know it's her if she wrote, anyway, unless she says? We get threads on here all the time from people that are cheating. It wouldn't be any different, I would think.
 
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