Am I polyamorous?

A 20-year-old bisexual woman here. I've never been in a relationship, but I have been in situations in which I found myself crushing on multiple people at once (although I think I only really realized this retroactively), and, naturally, quarantine has been a time for some good ol' self-reflection.

The thing that actually made me consider polyamory for myself — aside from the fascination I've had surrounding it for several years now and "probably yes" being my answer to the idea of being down for a threesome one day — was the realizarion that I vastly prefer friend groups over one-on-one friendships. I'm very adamant that my future partner be my friend first, and a mental connection is as important to me as a romantic/sexual one, so yes, I'm using friendships as an example.

I've had several singular best friends (all of whom I've since fallen out of touch with, but that's beside the point), and I've been part of several groups where all of us have been best friends with each other, and friend groups are just so much comfortable for me. I'm the kind of person that really enjoys my freedom and my me time, falls off the radar sometimes because I don't have the energy to communicate with other people, and when you only have one best friend, that kind of thing can be hurtful, because there's a different kind of commitment. When you're part of a friend group, however, other people can still have fun without you while you're free to take a break if you need it, and everybody wins. When I think about relationships, that's perfect for me — I don't do well with possessive people that want to spend all of their time with me, but I do enjoy validation and knowing that I'm loved all the same and that I'm not ruining someone's day and leaving them to sulk on their own if I'm not down for something.

On the other hand, I feel like I'm very specific when it comes to the idea of polyamory — the problem is that I'm a naturally jealous person. As I've said, I love friend groups, but I also love it when I'm my best friends' best friend as well. I love it when we're all on equal footing, we're all friends. So when I think about relationships, I highly doubt that I'd be willing to try a relationship with someone who has another partner unless I was involved with that partner also, so all three of us would be dating each other.

Can anyone relate to that? Does it sound like I might be polyamorous, or just insecure? Also: I'm so sorry in advance if any of this comes off as ignorant. I'm fairly new to the subject and am genuinely curious and confused. Thank you!
 
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Magdlyn

Well-known member
It is very difficult to sustain a three person triad, where everyone is equally in love with and sexually desirous of the other. People fall in and out of "love," desires wax and wane. You might have a short term triad, and if that's your goal, fine. Triads are trendy in mainstream media, but they are not actually common at all irl.

Much more common and successful are Vs, where, for example, you would have 2 lovers who weren't involved with each other. A triad is 3 Vs stacked up. It's extremely complicated to sustain that, especially for a person who has never had a one-on-one relationship before.

If both of your hypothetical partners were also poly, they would be free to pursue other relationships, and then you wouldn't be on the hook to meet all their needs. Jealousy is not solved by seeking triads. That is your problem to be dealt with. Jealousy is based on a fear of losing something that belongs to you. If you don't think of yourself as possessing someone, you will feel less jealousy, and eventually, none.
 

Evie

Well-known member
I greatly prefer one on one friendships and there is very little overlap between my closest friends/lovers. We wouldn't all hang out together just for fun. So that's certainly not an indicator of whether one is poly or not.

But I get where you're coming from and that this type of friend group thing might work for you (and your friends) with the addition of a romantic layer. If your friends really are like-minded, more power to you.

But as Mags wrote above, triads are tricky to maintain. Could you be good friends with your partner's partner without actually wanting to be romantic with them? They could date someone else, too, and so could you, so there is a long zigzag of romantic relationships but not necessarily any "cycles" in there.
 

icesong

Active member
There's also the option to build trusting friendships with your lovers' other partner(s) - less pressure than dating, and a lot easier to find compatibility and if not eliminate jealousy at least reduce it. I mean, I have *twinges* sometimes about my metas being more important to my partner than I am, but most of the time it's ok that our relationships are just wildly different.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello repairofsmallobjects,

Based on your description, you may be polyamorous. Be aware that polyamorists feel jealous sometimes, it's not just a monogamous thing. As for a triad, where all three of you are intimately involved with each other, I see no problem with that, just let things evolve organically, and don't try to force anything. For my own part, I am one of the men/males in an MFM V. That's what works for us; you just need to figure out what works for you.

Those are my initial thoughts,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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