Am I that needy?

S

SlowBurnButWorthIt

New member
My partner has a relationship starting. She's enjoying it, and the friend part of me is encouraging it and the partner part of me knows that this is the right thing to do for her. Complete autonomy. I struggled a bit at the beginning, but I used my astute powers of introspection and got past most of it. Hell, probably almost all of it. We had a small hiccup, and then excellent communication as soon as we could and absolutely smooth sailing since.

I had a date lined up with a friend I have known for years a few days ago. She knows I'm poly. We had a great discussion beforehand about who I am and what I was looking for. Not in her, just in general.

Day of the date... nothing. I messaged good morning, asked if we were still a go, still nothing. Eventually I see she read it. Left there. Nothing. The next day I got, "Sorry, I was too busy and forgot."

This makes me feel less special. Less than less special. Like I wasn't as important to her as originally thought. My wife was extremely supportive and we had a great night.

Last night she goes out with another friend. She gets home late, sees I'm still upset, but is so exhausted that she falls dead asleep quick. She has a date with her other partner tonight. I get tomorrow night. (This is how their schedules align and I certainly don't want to stand in the way of her autonomy and progression)

So I expressed to her my neediness. It's not extreme, but I still don't like it. I feel I should be better than this. I hate that my one shot has left me sour not for her and her relationship, but that I have none. I want to succeed in poly so so bad and I just feel an encroaching ache that I feel will intrude on her. I am very much a loving, supportive, and empathetic person that I fear is so powerful that I'm using too much of that on myself.
 
Wow your (ex) friend is rude and I'm sorry you went through that.

Of course there are going to be times when you feel needy and noone is around to talk to; for me, that's one of the reasons I journal, here or elsewhere. Or phone a (real) friend. I also make sure I know when/where the poly meets ups are happening in my city so I can go along and have a social afternoon without having to find one person to be a date.
 
I have unsuccessfully searched for poly meetups in my area. That is a tough find...

I am working on my triggers. Recognizing them and working through them. I just fear I will come across as a needy child and I so quickly and desperately want to avoid that.
 
If there's nothing currently in your area, create it! You don't need a special license or anything 😉

Book a table at a pub (or wherever) and create an event on whatever your go to local platforms are. Fetlife is super easy for this, and I'm sure Facebook or Meetup would be, too.
 
Hi Bryan,

Sorry you have hit a speed bump on your road to poly. I should add that poly (especially via dating apps) is usually harder for men (especially married men) than for women. You will have to be extra patient as you struggle to find a woman who will date you (and won't blow you off). It isn't your fault, it's just a demographic thing.

Texas is mostly a right-wing state, but there may be poly groups in Austin. Not sure how far away from you that is. You could google "Austin polyamory" and see if any poly groups turn up. Other than that there is just going out and meeting people in person. A club or class that interests you, or maybe something more fringe, like an indie concert, sci-fi con, Ren faire, something along those lines. Sometimes just making a new platonic friend can lead to something more romantic later on.

Hang in there. You will find someone eventually.
Sympathy and regards,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Your friend was rude. She could have told you she couldn't make it various times when you checked in, rather than standing you up/forgetting.

I don't think you need to internalize her poor manners as your failing. I notice you do a LOT of down talk about yourself. You might consider talking to a counselor about that.

I just fear I will come across as a needy child and I so quickly and desperately want to avoid that.
Click to expand...

Did family tell you that? And now you tell yourself that?


I think starting a poly meetup would be a good idea.

Galagirl
 
What happened was what I call ghosting. I was on the dating market for many years. I had one great partner and just wanted one more great partner. I have had so many rejections, lies told to me, so many guys telling me they wanted a real gf when they just wanted a hookup, and I've been entirely ghosted more than once. It's rough out there.

Unlike Kevin's claim that it's harder for men to get dates than women, I'd add some nuance and say women can get laid more easily than men. But polyamorous women don't just want to get laid once and dumped. And that happens ALL the time, even when you screen each prospect really well.

I become full-on poly in 2008 and found a gf in 2009, but I didn't find a great devoted wonderful bf until 2021. I actually gave up on dating new people for three years because I was burnt so many times.

You may have expected better from your "friend." I am not sure how you convinced her to go from platonic friends to dating partner potentials. Was she just kinda lukewarm about the whole idea all along?
 
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No, there was a good deal of what I thought was enthusiasm and understanding. I made sure to be completely transparent at every step. I'm looking for love, and integrity has to come with it. I think nerves got the best of her and she was too anxious to tell me. We've chit -chatted several times here and there since, and it's like it never happened. It's like the date was erased from her memory banks. Oh well, if her anxiety is that powerful, then maybe she isn't meant to be my meta.

My wife has been absolutely fantastic about every bit of this. She was hurt for me, mad for me, and did everything in her power to make me feel special when I basically got made to feel not so special. I am one lucky guy to have her and I am doing my best to show her I love her too.

We'll see about loading the poly machine when I'm ready.
 
Fyi, just a vocab thing. She would have been your wife's metamour. She would have been your dating partner. You would have been the hinge. The two people who aren't dating are metas to each other.
 
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