Amazing romantic r/s with my bf but we just don't seem to be sexually compatible

[Rockit49]

It doesn't hurt the first time for everyone, or at all ever for everyone.
It's not something to be shrouded in fear.
I'm not sure it's helpful to generalize here, or ever.

To each there own!? Eh
I was going for the responses .. It worked.
Even so.... She still can choose to read it or not
. If at all. Many different ways to go about her dilemma.. Or however you see it.
The info in here will vary to extremes like it or not.. It's about perspective.. Good or bad. She's more then free to take it or leave it... She's here looking for what she thinks might work for her.. Not you

 

[JaneQSmythe]

PIV hurts the first time... Maybe even the second..

This is not a universal truth. There is absolutely no actual reason that PIV has to hurt at all. The female vagina can stretch far enough to deliver a baby without tearing, it can definitely accept a male penis without pain or damage.

Our society has such issues with sex that there is a lot of fear and insecurity for many girls who are taught that they aren't really supposed to LIKE sex --- it can make it hard to get physically and mentally and emotionally "into" the act without practice.

Perhaps you should consider giving penetrative sex a try. You may surprise yourself and enjoy it immensely. Since you are a virgin, make sure to use plenty of lube.

I don't think that the "try it, you might like it" is good advice if someone has NO INTEREST in PIV - hard to get excited/horny to the idea of trying something that just doesn't interest you. Do you advise straight guys to try PIA because they "might like it"?

 

[Rockit49]

This is not a universal truth. There is absolutely no actual reason that PIV has to hurt at all. The female vagina can stretch far enough to deliver a baby without tearing, it can definitely accept a male penis without pain or damage.

Our society has such issues with sex that there is a lot of fear and insecurity for many girls who are taught that they aren't really supposed to LIKE sex --- it can make it hard to get physically and mentally and emotionally "into" the act without practice.

I don't think that the "try it, you might like it" is good advise if someone has NO INTEREST in PIV - hard to get excited/horny to the idea of trying something that just doesn't interest you. Do you advise straight guys to try PIA because they "might like it"?

Read her after initial post!

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Read her after initial post!

She has made 3 posts as of now. I have read all three of them (as well as all of the other posts in this thread). What is it that you think I am missing?

 

[Rockit49]

She has made 3 posts as of now. I have read all three of them (as well as all of the other posts in this thread). What is it that you think I am missing?

Lots.
It's not my thread or yours... So, let's leave it at..I disagree with you too.. Lol

 

[BathedInSalt]

I'm just seeing harmful information being presented. I'm calling bullshit.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

What's odd is watching penetrative sex turns me on. But I just have no desire for it to happen to ME.

I don't think that is "odd" - just an interesting quirk of human nature. My lesbian friend prefers gay male porn because she thinks it seems more "raw and passionate". I prefer just watching Shakira videos...

 

[dragonette]

I'd like to echo what opalescent said about unicorn hunting, and extend it to "secondary" partners in general.

It sounds like you and your partner are sexually incompatible, so you're looking to open your relationship in order to solve that problem. He's looking for a willing vagina; you may be as well. Even if you take opalescent's advice and give up on looking for a unicorn, and date separately, you may still be thinking of these potential partners as objects who exist in your minds and discussions only to fulfill the need that's not met in your relationship.

In reality, your new secondary partners will be people. Most likely, they will want to bond with you emotionally, and most likely, you will bond with them, maybe even fall in love with them, even if you try not to -- sex tends to have that effect. Now you start to run into problems. What if what your new partner wants -- either in general, or in a specific instance -- is inconsistent with what your primary partner wants? Do the new partner's desires get ignored just because that partner is new?

Then you've got a situation where the new partner's only options are to leave the relationship, hurting both of you, or put up with being constantly treated as "less than." As someone who has recently been in this situation, I can tell you, it really sucks. It's hard on the ego to have someone else always come first, especially when the "primary" relationship is as new as yours (I think it may be different where the primary partners have decades of life together, children, etc., but to be having to beg for time from a metamour who just happened to meet our shared partner a couple of years sooner, now that I'm also years into the relationship, feels like being told I'm inferior).

My personal opinion is that it's really difficult to do primary-secondary as a prescriptive model (as opposed to the descriptive way some people may use it -- e.g. I live with my primary partner(s) and non-cohabiting partners are secondary in time and life entanglement, but no one is always "more important") in a way that's at all fair to the secondary partners.

I think before starting to date -- except under circumstances where it's clear that nothing more than casual sex is expected by anyone -- you and your partner should consider whether you can let go of the societal expectations about the primacy of the "couple," and really make room in your hearts and lives for new partners before inviting them in. Be ready for all the relationships to grow and change depending on the needs and desires of the participants.

 

[Emm]

Plenty of reading to do now... Lol. Good luck
Hopefully you come back and read it... So as not to let it spoil ; )

She has made 3 posts as of now.

There were a number of posts from the OP waiting in the moderation queue, so there may be some replies there now that weren't previously.

 

[Emm]

I can see why "unicorn" has negative connotations. But for us, we are not looking for unicorns just for sex. If we ever find someone like that, we will also build a relationship with her.

Have you read So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

The "unicorn" term isn't about people looking for just-for-sex relationships; it's also about trying to find someone to squish into a relationship box that was rigidly defined by the existing couple before the unicorn has even been met. Real people like to have some input into the shape of their own relationships, so presenting a checklist of conditions that they have to meet in order to even start getting to know you is likely to fail miserably.

 

[vinsanity0]

If this lover has a "one track mind" and doesn't really try to listen to what pleasures you? Or is only about what gets him off and not especially generous and doesn't care what you like? Then he has room to grow in his lovemaking skills.

Just to play devil's advocate for a second, doesn't that work both ways?

 

[GalaGirl]

Yes, it does work both ways.

At the same time, one should not do sexual activities that they don't want to be doing just to make the other partner happy. If I don't want to be doing a certain thing, I can offer an activity that perhaps we BOTH can enjoy.

If the person only wants the one thing? Nothing else makes them happy? The decent thing to do is to accept this is not a runner. Just chalk it up as not compatible, part ways, and seek more compatible lovers who do like those activities.

Galagirl

 

[pixybixy]

Some important clarification

To start, I want to clear. If you are not into penetrative sex, or PIV, or both, you have every right to never have penetrative sex at all. Ever....However, you are not a virgin. Sounds like you have experienced oral, manual stimulation, kissing, fondling, blowjobs, etc.?...It is just one kind of sex, admittedly a privileged one in our society.

Hi opalescent, yes, I agree with your above points. Many others here have also concurred with you on these.

Now the idea that having PIV sex for the first time always hurts a girl or woman is bullshit. The reason many women do not enjoy PIV or that it outright hurts to be penetrated is that they are not aroused enough to create natural lubrication to enjoy the sensations...But that PIV always hurts the first time is an untrue myth that lets men off the hook for not caring about or prioritizing women's pleasure.

Ah, thanks for the advice. Others have also given similar advice here! (Sorry guys, too many posts, too many users...I'm lazy to pick out your exact names haha. But you know who you are!)

So here's my starting question. Does your boyfriend get you off? Does he know how to arouse you? Understand how your body works to get you to a place where you come? Does he eat your pussy like there is no tomorrow? Happily use a vibrator on you?

Yes, especially wrt "eat your pussy like there is no tomorrow". That said, there is room for improvement. Same for myself. Let's just say we both aren't very sex-perienced!

Or does he just kinda stroke you enough so you are warmed up enough to suck his dick? Does he just seem to eat you out so you will return the favor? Does he care about your pleasure? You've been with him awhile so I hope he does care about what you like and want and is willing to provide that to you.

Yes, he cares very much about my pleasure. I think I might have unintentionally portrayed him in a negative light! For the record, my bf "does care about what I like and want and is willing to provide that to me".

Thanks for the tips wrt the types of penetrative sex and anal.

However, do not make the stereotypical couple mistake of thinking that finding a playmate 'together' will make things easier or better. It won't... But when looking for another person to fulfill a particular sexual role, it is really easy to treat that person like a sex toy and not a living, breathing person with wants, needs and desires of their own.

You have a point there about unintentionally objectifying someone else, hmm.

So what to do? Date separately. Have casual sex separately. You seem to be still into women sexually. Your boyfriend wants to have PIV sex with women. The person who can happily meet those needs, and get off on doing so, is WILDLY unlikely to be same person...Yes, bisexual women might seem like the obvious answer. But bisexual women, like people everywhere, don't really enjoy being treated like a sex aide for a relationship in trouble.

Yeah, I understand that the probability of finding someone who can "happily meet those needs, and get off on doing so" is very low...
We have an agreement not to date separately or engage in casual sex. We are very particular about STDs.

Of course, consider if ethical non-monogamy is really what you want. If you are not into PIV, never will be, and he is unable to conceive of sex without it, then you may be fundamentally incompatible, despite all the other good things about the relationship...If you do not want other partners or PIV, then you need to consider if you will be ok with him having outside partners while you do not. There are people who make that work.

I wish to clarify a few things at this point:
(1) I will not say that I will never be into PIV.

(2) Yes, PIV is very important to him. He is frustrated that he is not getting PIV. BUT he's not frustrated that I am not providing PIV, makes sense? In other words, his frustration revolves around the the lack of PIV (as a sexual act) rather than the lack of PIV from me specifically. Which means as long as he gets PIV from elsewhere, he will be fine.

I hope your boyfriend is a worthy partner for you to explore sex with.

Yes, I'm sure he is

 

[pixybixy]

More clarification

To long for what? Are you saying you are feeling meh about it all and are considering breaking up? If so, stop dating.

Nooo, I'm not considering breaking up at all!

If you want to date him, but just don't want to PIV? Don't PIV and make it clear this is not an activity you want to do. Your body. You share it how you want to share it. If you do want to consider it? Take a step back and consider your lovemaking style together.

Yes, he absolutely respects me and is not forcing me to do anything that I don't want to. As mentioned in my reply to Opalescent:

I wish to clarify a few things at this point:
(1) I will not say that I will never be into PIV.

(2) Yes, PIV is very important to him. He is frustrated that he is not getting PIV. BUT he's not frustrated that I am not providing PIV, makes sense? In other words, his frustration revolves around the the lack of PIV (as a sexual act) rather than the lack of PIV from me specifically. Which means as long as he gets PIV from elsewhere, he will be fine.

WHY is it a goal for him? Could talk about that

Cos of previous very positive experiences with another. I respect this view of his.

Orgasm for him from PIV might be fun. He's got a lot of feelings and nerve endings in the penis...Oral is way easier to orgasm from -- because there are lots of nerves in the clit, vaginal lips, etc that get me excited. That's where females have most of the nerve endings/are more sensitive to touch. Like more "out in front" than "up inside."

Thanks for the anatomical explanation!

If you do not know what pleasures you? Then you also have room to grow in getting to know your own self. You cannot tell a lover what you like best if you do not know. You can tell them what you don't like. But not what you DO like.

IKR.

If this lover has a "one track mind" and doesn't really try to listen to what pleasures you? Or is only about what gets him off and not especially generous and doesn't care what you like? Then he has room to grow in his lovemaking skills. Finding a unicorn isn't going to fix the fact that this lover has room to grow.

In all defence of my boyfriend, he really listens to me. He is also very generous and cares a lot about what I like.

If you are not up for PIV and he cannot be ok without it from you? Then this may not be a match for being lovers together.

I've addressed this above: his frustration revolves around the the lack of PIV (as a sexual act) rather than the lack of PIV from me specifically

 

[pixybixy]

That's a new perspective for me, thanks.

 

[pixybixy]

Have you read So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

The "unicorn" term isn't about people looking for just-for-sex relationships; it's also about trying to find someone to squish into a relationship box that was rigidly defined by the existing couple before the unicorn has even been met. Real people like to have some input into the shape of their own relationships, so presenting a checklist of conditions that they have to meet in order to even start getting to know you is likely to fail miserably.

That's a new perspective for me, thanks.

 

[Emm]

What is your understanding/definition of "unicorn"? I get the feeling that you're using it quite differently than most here do.

 

[Tinwen]

I enjoy kissing, fondling, petting and receiving oral sex. I have no reservations about being naked and intimate with him. I enjoy giving him blowjobs. But I'm not too good with my hands. But most importantly, I have NO DESIRE for penetrative sex.

Hi, sorry to jump in late and maybe repetitive or completelly off (I haven't read everything) ... I just want to say that wanting penetrative sex or not can be very much tied to the quality and form of your relationship. It is not only very intimate but also loaded with all sorts of meaning, so the emotions involved here can be extremely complex.

Your relationship sounds new. It could simply take you time to develop the trust needed to let someone touch you like that.
It could be an intuitive sign that this relationship is not right for you.
It could be that it's very interconnected with children in your instinct and you don't want to go that direction yet.
(Or anything in-between or something else. Me personally, I found this kind of sex drive to be very much interconnected with the relationship escalator.)

It might be worth it to sit down (with a pencil and paper perhaps to write down the stream of thoughts) and examine in which ways you trust yourself and your partner and in which ways you don't. Please note that I'm not saying anyone is doing anything wrong - even if you do find some issues. It's about insight into what's actually happening there.

 

[radicaljd]

This is not a universal truth. There is absolutely no actual reason that PIV has to hurt at all. The female vagina can stretch far enough to deliver a baby without tearing, it can definitely accept a male penis without pain or damage.

Our society has such issues with sex that there is a lot of fear and insecurity for many girls who are taught that they aren't really supposed to LIKE sex --- it can make it hard to get physically and mentally and emotionally "into" the act without practice.



I don't think that the "try it, you might like it" is good advice if someone has NO INTEREST in PIV - hard to get excited/horny to the idea of trying something that just doesn't interest you. Do you advise straight guys to try PIA because they "might like it"?

No need for the hostility. I did say she should "consider it." I had a girlfriend in college who was terrified at PIV sex, and asked me if it was okay if we not pursue it. I was understanding and never pressured her, but she sort of "pressured" herself, assuming that I was not really her "boyfriend" unless we fully consummated things. Once she tried it the first time, she made a total 180, and was soon aggressively demanding penetrative sex on a regular basis, not necessarily just to keep me happy, but discovered that she highly enjoyed it. I wasn't passing any sort of judgments, but there is some merit to the idea that mental barriers can create the illusion of lack of interest.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi pixybixy,

It sounds like the best route for you to travel is to find a woman that both you and your boyfriend can enjoy. This way he can get the penetrative sex that he desires, and you can get some fulfillment on your lesbian side. And, you don't have to date separately. I hope you'll have good luck in your search, and that you'll post some more, and let us know how things are going.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.