An uneasy feeling about my meta

[ryguy607]

Hello again folks,

I've been trying to work out my feelings about my meta. I'm not sure if I am overreacting or justifiably concerned. Maybe somewhere in between. The situation is this: my gf (Ronda) met someone on bumble BFF to make friends. After hanging out a few times she wanted to introduce us to see if we would hit it off. The three of us went to dinner together after I got out of work. I have no idea why but when Ronda asked her new friend what they thought of me they apparently said "Ryguy607 is not my vibe. They seem like they are drama." Ronda and this new person (Trucker) have since started dating and it makes me feel some kind of way. It makes me feel uneasy that this new person thinks that I am drama after meeting me once. I am fearful that this person may poison the well so to speak and start making my partner question our relationship. Am I jumping to conclusions (like I am known for doing) or is it justified to feel uneasy? And most importantly how do I navigate and communicate this with my gf? I tried to talk about it once before but it didn't go great.

 

[Evie]

The only person you can control is you. Use your actions to show you aren't drama. Go parallel poly with Trucker, except in case of emergency, and don't entertain Ronda telling you any more of their conversations. Honestly, she's more of a problem for telling you this than Trucker is for saying it. Just shut that down in future. And tell her you would appreciate Trucker not knowing your business, either. If she wants to be a hinge, she can learn to be a better one than she was when she overshared.

 

[ryguy607]

The only person you can control is you. Use your actions to show you aren't drama. Go parallel poly with Trucker, except in case of emergency, and don't entertain Ronda telling you any more of their conversations. Honestly, she's more of a problem for telling you this than Trucker is for saying it. Just shut that down in future. And tell her you would appreciate him not knowing your business, either. If she wants to be a hinge, she can learn to be a better one than she was when she overshared.

I feel like it's my fault. They kept hanging out without me and I wanted to know why. Ronda told me what Trucker said. Lo and behold they started dating not long after that conversation. I'm really not interested in parallel poly. For me, I like the idea of building a little community with Ronda. I guess closer to KTP would be more comfortable and fulfilling for me as the currently monogamous partner.

 

[Magdlyn]

I feel like it's my fault. They kept hanging out without me and I wanted to know why. Ronda told me what Trucker said. Lo and behold they started dating not long after that conversation. I'm really not interested in parallel poly. For me, I like the idea of building a little community with Ronda. I guess closer to KTP would be more comfortable and fulfilling for me as the currently monogamous partner.

It's fine to want KTP, but in this case, it takes three to tango, so to speak. All three of you would have to want that.

It's early days. She's been friends with Trucker for a while, but they've only been dating since your prior post, right? So, about 10 days? KTP can be something you work toward, if it seems natural. It's okay to have the preference, but you and Ronda both have to prefer it. Trucker is new, maybe he's not even poly?

It's great you met your metamour, to put a face to a name. It was rude of Ronda to tell you Trucker's negative first impression of you. Is he polyamorous? Even if he technically is, he might be feeling competitive with you, so picked out something negative to say. Ugh.

He knows you've been with Ronda for three years, she's polyamorous, etc. If he's "poisoning the well" against you, he might have ulterior motives of trying to get her for himself. We call this being a cowboy, or a poacher. This is not cool. Of course, it's up to Ronda if she's going to choose him over you.

Polyamory has a way of shining light on, often unseen, cracks in long-term relationships.

Finally, I totally agree with Evie that Ronda overshared when she told you what Trucker said! That's kinda cruel. I'd never do that. But then, I'd never date a person who would be that careless and tell me something hurtful. I don't care if Ronda has ADHD, that's no excuse for telling you that.

My partner Pixi has ADHD and she couldn't be kinder or sweeter to me. But her neuro-atypical condition does cause occasional minor problems in our shared life. I do help her to structure her life a bit, help her make decisions when she's "frozen" (at her request), etc.

 

[ryguy607]

It's fine to want KTP, but in this case, it takes three to tango, so to speak. All three of you would have to want that.

It's early days. She's been friends with Trucker for a while, but they've only been dating since your prior post, right? So, about 10 days? KTP can be something you work toward, if it seems natural. It's okay to have the preference, but you and Ronda both have to prefer it. Trucker is new, maybe he's not even poly?

It's great you met your metamour, to put a face to a name. It was rude of Ronda to tell you Trucker's negative first impression of you. Is he polyamorous? Even if he technically is, he might be feeling competitive with you, so picked out something negative to say. Ugh.

He knows you've been with Ronda for three years, she's polyamorous, etc. If he's "poisoning the well" against you, he might have ulterior motives of trying to get her for himself. We call this being a cowboy, or a poacher. This is not cool. Of course, it's up to Ronda if she's going to choose him over you.

Polyamory has a way of shining light on, often unseen, cracks in long-term relationships.

Finally, I totally agree with Evie that Ronda overshared when she told you what Trucker said! That's kinda cruel. I'd never do that. But then, I'd never date a person who would be that careless and tell me something hurtful. I don't care if Ronda has ADHD, that's no excuse for telling you that.

My partner Pixi has ADHD and she couldn't be kinder or sweeter to me. But her neuro-atypical condition does cause occasional minor problems in our shared life. I do help her to structure her life a bit, help her make decisions when she's "frozen" (at her request), etc.

Uhhh well they went from strangers to friends to dating in like a month tops. And Trucker is also a woman.
(I'm trans masc with dysphoria that likes to complicate my sexuality, but I'm working on it. Idk if that is relevant but it feels like good context.)
Trucker is not poly but I recall Ronda telling me how she had expressed interest and asked a lot of questions about it on one of their first hangouts. When they first met, Trucker had a situationship but by the second time the two hung out that was over. Something about it all makes me so uncomfortable. I guess I am having a hard time being able to tease out if I'm just jealous or something is actually wrong here? Ronda has stated multiple times she is not replacing me but it's hard to take at face value considering this opens up the scars of trauma wounds (both friend and partner trauma). I tried to explain that I was deeply uncomfortable that she could date someone who felt that I was drama. If thats how Trucker feels then it feels like an uphill battle to navigate even a parallel poly relationship with her.

 

[XTremeMeow]

Hello again folks,

I've been trying to work out my feelings about my meta. I'm not sure if I am overreacting or justifiably concerned. Maybe somewhere in between. The situation is this: my gf (Ronda) met someone on bumble BFF to make friends. After hanging out a few times she wanted to introduce us to see if we would hit it off. The three of us went to dinner together after I got out of work. I have no idea why but when Ronda asked her new friend what they thought of me they apparently said "Ryguy607 is not my vibe. They seem like they are drama." Ronda and this new person (Trucker) have since started dating and it makes me feel some kind of way. It makes me feel uneasy that this new person thinks that I am drama after meeting me once. I am fearful that this person may poison the well so to speak and start making my partner question our relationship. Am I jumping to conclusions (like I am known for doing) or is it justified to feel uneasy? And most importantly how do I navigate and communicate this with my gf? I tried to talk about it once before but it didn't go great.

It makes complete sense that you’re feeling uneasy about this. Anyone would feel some type of way if their partner’s new meta made a snap judgment after one meeting, especially something as personal as calling you “drama.” Your feelings here are valid, they’re not an overreaction, they’re a natural response to uncertainty in a new dynamic.

At the same time, feeling uneasy doesn’t automatically mean something bad is going to happen. First impressions aren’t always accurate, and sometimes people misread nerves, awkwardness, or even just a different communication style. Trucker’s comment says more about their perception in that moment than it does about your actual character or your relationship with Ronda.
The most important piece here is your connection with your girlfriend. It’s okay to bring this up with her again, but try to frame it gently, not as an accusation, but as something you’re feeling vulnerable about. You can say something like: “I know this might not have come across well last time, but I’ve been feeling a little insecure about the comment Trucker made about me. I’m not asking you to take sides, I just want to feel reassured about us.”

That keeps the focus on your emotions, not on blaming her or the situation.
You deserve to feel secure and respected in your relationship. Approaching the conversation with openness and trust will give both of you a much better chance to navigate it together. And you’re not alone, it’s okay to admit this is hard. You’re trying to handle it thoughtfully, and that already says a lot about who you are.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi ryguy607,

I don't blame you for feeling uneasy, it was not cool of Trucker to judge you so immediately. I would hope Trucker wouldn't persist in speaking badly to Ronda about you, and if she did, I would hope that Ronda would shut it down. But these are not things that lie within your control, hence your very understandable uneasy feelings. You can of course talk to Ronda about your concerns, but if she shuts you down that too is kind of outside your control. I don't know what words you used to try to bring it up to her, nor what words she used to respond. If you can go into more detail about that, I might be able to think of some suggestions for the future.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[ryguy607]

I feel like it just hits me in all the places that hurt. She's once again taking Trucker to hang out with her friends instead of me. I've been on bad terms with her friends and have expressed repeatedly that I would like to change that. Since Trucker and I want nothing to do with each other I feel like I am being denied the opportunity. Like... why can't it be every other time? It doesn't feel fair that she can show up for Ronda and I can't.

 

[Evie]

What caused the bad terms with the friends? Perhaps they aren't ready to make amends?

 

[ryguy607]

What caused the bad terms with the friends? Perhaps they aren't ready to make amends?

When I first moved here I wasn't employed so I didn't have access to my medications so I was kind of insufferable to be around. But apparently in particular they didn't like how I talked about her family, but they are abusive and don't treat her respectfully. Nothing that I said to them was anything I wouldn't have said in front of her. But they didn't tell either her how they felt until months later and they have never spoken to me about it. I've seen them maybe once or twice since then and things were civil. Ronda insists that they don't hate me and just need a chance to get to know me. So I feel like I'm being denied the possibility of getting to know them and being replaced by Trucker.

 

[GalaGirl]

I have no idea why but when Ronda asked her new friend what they thought of me they apparently said "Ryguy607 is not my vibe. They seem like they are drama."

People can think whatever, including wrong things. My question is this-- why is Ronda telling you all this stuff? For what purpose? There was no need for you to know all that. All that knowing it did was make you upset and kind of anxiety spiral. So right now, the one bringing you drama is Ronda.

I feel like it's my fault. They kept hanging out without me and I wanted to know why.

Ronda can hang out with people/have dates without you. You don't have to be there. Same as you can do things on your own without Ronda.

Ronda and this new person (Trucker) have since started dating, and it makes me feel some kind of way. It makes me feel uneasy that this new person thinks that I am drama after meeting me once. I am fearful that this person may poison the well, so to speak, and start making my partner question our relationship.

I mean this kindly, ok? But if Ronda is that easily swayed by other people's opinions, maybe it's ok to find that out sooner rather than later. If Ronda is going to value the opinion of someone who only met you once at some after-work dinner, rather than her own lived experience after dating you for 2 going on 3 years, something is wonky with Ronda.

I think you could learn to self-soothe and not let yourself anxiety spiral.

She's once again taking Trucker to hang out with her friends instead of me. I've been on bad terms with her friends and have expressed repeatedly that I would like to change that.

You could ask Ronda not to tell you about Trucker dates, and not overshare things from that side over to your side. You could ask Ronda to not tell Trucker things about you and not overshare things from this side over to Trucker's side of the V.

Maybe you and Ronda might both listen to this together:

334 - What Makes a Good Hinge Partner — Multiamory

Being a hinge partner can be tough sometimes. This episode focuses on some unique struggles that hinge partners may face, some common pitfalls, and what it takes to be a good hinge partner.

www.multiamory.com

Even though you've been dating Ronda 2-3 years, she's only been poly-dating around you for 6 months. You are getting to know this side of her and experience her as hinge. Honestly, if you learn that she's a terrible hinge, you might decide you aren't as into her as you used to be, if she can't do better.

I've seen them maybe once or twice since then, and things were civil.

Isn't that good-enough basic-polite with her friends, then? It sounds like they got over the past where you were awkward off your meds. Have you gotten over it?

It is ok for Ronda to have one circle of friends you are not a big part of, you have your circle of friends Ronda is not a big part of, and another set that you and Ronda have a mutual friends. Maybe that's where you and Ronda could invest more time? Making some shared friends?

And most importantly, how do I navigate and communicate this with my gf?

"Ronda, I'd prefer parallel poly with Trucker. I don't want to do dinners or hang out with them. With other partners, I'll go case by case. You can expect basic politeness from me if I bump into Trucker in town, like at the grocery store, same as I do with the mailman-- "Hello, good morning" stuff. But other than the basics for safer sex practices, I really don't care to know much about Trucker, since they think I'm 'drama.' I'd prefer you to not leak stuff from that side of the V over on to me on this side. I'd also prefer you to not overshare things from this side with Trucker. "

For me, I like the idea of building a little community with Ronda. I guess closer to KTP would be more comfortable and fulfilling for me, as the currently monogamous partner.

If Ronda also likes that idea, then you two could build that community with other people that are not Trucker.

It's like everyone has a little table at the restaurant. Sometimes you push them together and have a 2 table top with just Ronda for 1:1 dates. Sometimes you might make a bigger table with other folks, like you, your friends, and Ronda; or you, your shared friends with Ronda, and Ronda. Maybe some of Ronda's friends also bring their tables, or relatives.

Galagirl

 

[ryguy607]

My question is this-- why is Ronda telling you all this stuff?

I asked what Trucker's opinion was.

You could ask Ronda not to tell you about Trucker dates and not overshare things from that side over to your side.

I put my foot down and said I don't want to hear a peep about her.

[quote[Isn't that good-enough basic-polite with her friends then? It sounds like they got over the past where you were awkward off your meds. Have you gotten over it?[/quote]

It is ok for Ronda to have one circle of friends you are not a big part of.

Basic polite is not what I am looking for. I want to feel comfortable around them. Ronda keeps saying they don't like me because I am masking when I'm around them so they don't get to know me. She has made it clear that this group of friends is her found family and are important to her. I'd like to be friendly with them, but not necessarily friends, if that makes sense. We have discussed and agreed that this will be beneficial. It just really rubs me the wrong way that despite having talked about this, she is choosing to bring someone else around her chosen family, but insisting that I'm not being replaced.

"Ronda, I prefer parallel poly with Trucker. I don't want to do dinners or hang out with your other partners. You can expect basic politeness from me if we or just I bump into them in town, like at the grocery store, same as I do with the mailman-- "Hello, good morning" stuff. But other than the basics for safer sex practices, I really don't care to know much about them. I prefer you to not leak stuff from that side of the V over onto this side. I also prefer you to not overshare things from this side with Trucker."

I would prefer KTP, but I don't think I could do that with Trucker, now that she has triggered me.

 

[Evie]

Ronda keeps saying they don't like me because I am masking when I'm around them so they don't get to know me. She has made it clear that this group of friends is her found family and are important to her. I'd like to be friendly with them, but not necessarily friends, if that makes sense. We have discussed and agreed that this will be beneficial. It just really rubs me the wrong way that despite having talked about this, she is choosing to bring someone else around her chosen family, but insisting that I'm not being replaced.

Does Ronda understand that most people don't show their full selves when just getting to know a new group of people? Taking some time to warm up to being yourself when there are so many people there... totally normal. But if you both agree it would be beneficial that you get to know them, and then she isn't inviting you to hang out with them, then the conversation should probably be about this - that the agreement can't be met unless there is time spent together. And as the hinge between the friend group and you, she's the one who can make this happen.

Is there another way to go about this? Meeting and getting to know one or two people at a time, rather than going to group hangs? Then she can take Trucker to the big group stuff and you can get to know people in a smaller setting. Would this be possible?

 

[ryguy607]

Does Ronda understand that most people don't show their full selves when just getting to know a new group of people? Taking some time to warm up to being yourself when there are so many people there... totally normal. But if you both agree it would be beneficial that you get to know them, and then she isn't inviting you to hang out with them, then the conversation should probably be about this - that the agreement can't be met unless there is time spent together. And as the hinge between the friend group and you, she's the one who can make this happen.

Is there another way to go about this? Meeting and getting to know one or two people at a time, rather than going to group hangs? Then she can take Trucker to the big group stuff and you can get to know people in a smaller setting. Would this be possible?

This friend group really only gathers as a group. There hasn't really been any opportunity to get to see them more separately. It's a group of about 4 other couples. So everyone there is partnered up, which I think salts the wound.

 

[Evie]

This friend group really only gathers as a group. There hasn't really been any opportunity to get to see them more separately. Its a group of about 4 other couples. So everyone there is partnered up which I think salts the wound.

Then you and Ronda need to get on the same page about you being taken along as her partner. If she's not open to that conversation, you may want to evaluate your future together. Perhaps this is an bit of a sign that it's time for you to deescalate with her and seek a partner who is more compatible, friend groups and all.

 

[ryguy607]

Yeah, I've kinda been feeling that way too. She's into more non-hierarchical poly. But I told her that I wouldn't be able to be with her unless I was a primary/nesting partner, when we first started talking. I often feel like I'm not on the same page. She thinks it's just because I hate Trucker, but it's more about the lack of opportunity to show her and her friends how hard I have been working to better myself. Therapy isn't cheap. It's an investment of time and money, so I'd like to be able to practice what I've learned. I feel like I have something to prove to her friends, to her, and to myself. It kinda feels like I need to show that I am primary/nesting/life partner material by doing things that are challenging for me. I'm sure Ronda would just tell me the same old "You're putting way too much pressure on yourself."

 

[Evie]

So take that investment in therapy and find a better fitting primary relationship. Therapy, generally, is making sure we do right by our own selves, honouring ourselves. Are you doing that right now? Or do you still have to practice some boundary enforcement.

 

[ryguy607]

Tbh I have no idea what you mean by boundaries enforcement. But I can say I suck at boundaries overall.

 

[edwardblackwood]

Hello again folks,

I've been trying to work out my feelings about my meta. I'm not sure if I am overreacting or justifiably concerned. Maybe somewhere in between. The situation is this: my gf (Ronda) met someone on bumble BFF to make friends. After hanging out a few times she wanted to introduce us to see if we would hit it off. The three of us went to dinner together after I got out of work. I have no idea why but when Ronda asked her new friend what they thought of me they apparently said "Ryguy607 is not my vibe. They seem like they are drama." Ronda and this new person (Trucker) have since started dating and it makes me feel some kind of way. It makes me feel uneasy that this new person thinks that I am drama after meeting me once. I am fearful that this person may poison the well so to speak and start making my partner question our relationship. Am I jumping to conclusions (like I am known for doing) or is it justified to feel uneasy? And most importantly how do I navigate and communicate this with my gf? I tried to talk about it once before but it didn't go great.

It’s completely understandable that you feel uneasy — anyone would if a new person judged them after one meeting. One comment doesn’t define you or your relationship, though. Your gf knows you far better, and first impressions can be off.

The best approach is calm communication: focus on how the situation made you feel, not what anyone did wrong. Something like, “That comment stuck with me and made me worry about how it might affect us.”

You’re not overreacting — just try to stay grounded in what you know about your relationship, not what you fear might happen.

 

[Evie]

Enforcing your boundaries is walking away (temporarily or permanently) from a situation that's feeling icky.

From my own history, obvious example first... He hits me, I'm gone. I will not engage with that person ever again. I had that one in place from before I started dating, I knew about domestic violence stats

Less obvious one...the emotional stuff. I had a bad relationship and I used to think to myself, "if he'd just hit me I'd have a good enough reason to leave." He never did. I left eventually anyway. Had I left earlier, when I first had that thought, I'd likely have saved myself the long recovery time from the emotional stuff. I didn't know about emotional manipulation back then. Now, I'd be gone so damn fast. Boundary enforcement. Me looking after me.