Anti-poly bomb maybe?

[Polyglamorous]

So I have been dating someone for around 7 months. Against better judgement I work with this person. From the start he knew that I was poly. He was dating someone as well. After us dating for a little bit he broke up with his girlfriend. I thought it might be a good idea because from the start he did not seem invested in that relationship and seemed more to be stringing her along.

When we started dating I was with a person I had been with for 8 years but we had been having issues. Poly was not a rash decision, we had talked about it for two years. We broke up because we are just at two different places in our lives right now. When me and my "primary" partner broke up. my coworker said things like he was okay with my dating my primary but he wasn't sure how he would handle anyone else. Him and I have talked about threesomes with males or females and hes stated he would do them. Now that we are in a relationship, he seems less inclined towards that matter. We talk about it an it usually ends in a fight because I cant articulate my wants well enough (mainly cause I feel like he will get mad and its a pointless cause.) He seems to given me an ultimatum of if I date anyone other than my primary(a sexless unhappy relationship) hes going to date people (Even though he says he doesn't think he can balance two relationships well)

Now fast forward to valentines day. We both took this kink quiz online. One of the things on there was non-monogamy I got like 89% nonmonogamy. He got 3%. I was like that is super weird because the questions about poly were super obvious, so you purposely had to answer those questions as a straight up no. He said well I am sorry but I am not poly. then he proceeded to say "lets end this" then when I was like uhh okay? he seemed to back track. Can I have some outside perspective here?

 

[River]

He said well I am sorry but I am not poly. then he proceeded to say "lets end this" then when I was like uhh okay? he seemed to back track. Can I have some outside perspective here?

My first thought is perhaps best described by a single word: young. Young can be age in years, generally. Or it can be young in giving an honest look and feel about polyamory, and all sorts of things. We can be young in lots of ways. Young in this context means fresh, new, exploring, inexperienced.... That sort of thing.

My next thought was, "It takes a lot of time and exploration to learn about polyamory." (Heck, it takes a lot of time and exploration to learn about relationships, generally.)

It sounds like possibly your new guy has barely touched the surface of polyamory -- as a thought, as an experience, as an inquiry.... He seems very young at it. And my impression is that maybe you too are very young at it. (I've not read your other posts. I also don't know your age.)

My experience has been that most people are pretty young about polyamory -- unless they've explored it a lot over several or many years. And that when we're very young at exploring poly we tend to lean toward the cultural default setting or "norm" in thinking and feeling about it.

My next thought was that it's all about this ongoing exploration between thinking and feeling, feeling and thinking.... Ideally, the thinking is clear ... and even with some degree of precision or exactness. That's what we have such a difficult time feeling into: precision, clarity, exactness. And that's just exactly what we need to bring to our feelings when exploring out on the edge of "normal" and familiar. Clear thinking helps us go into our feelings with precision and clarity. But there is no substitute for time here. It takes time to explore this stuff. Lots of it.

When I speak of precision and clarity and exactness, I don't mean "Be very exact and clear and precise in maintaining your deeply enculturated feelings and thoughts about non-monogamy." Rather, I mean "Bring clarity and precision and exactness to identifying the underlying beliefs ... while holding these beliefs up to the light and examining whether they are, in fact, true." One very commonly held belief about non-monogamy (of any variation) is "Real, true love must necessarily be exclusive." But is that true?

One can choose to live monogamously and have that be totally appropriate and valid -- a good personal fit -- while also rejecting the notion that "Real, true love must necessarily be exclusive." But I think too many of us never deeply think and feel (think-feel) into this question. And I think (and feel) it would be much better if we did.

Maybe you should set aside the whole sexy and romantic notion with this guy for a bit and see if the two of you can explore the questions as friends and mutual supporters in such an exploration? Maybe he's got the notion that "Real love is monogamous" by cultural default? So if what he wants is real love, and not just sexy good times, it would seem to be illogical to consider you for a "real relationship"? That's the "young" default. It feels safe.

This could all be bullshit. I don't know.

But I've been having experiences with folks lately which make it really clear to me that not everyone even knows HOW to think outside the box... which can get quite in the way of their feeling outside of the box.

Many folks simply have no idea whether they are cut out for poly or not, 'cause there are a bunch of deeply held feeling-thoughts which are unexamined. They are simply absorbed osmoticly from the dominant culture.

 

[Polyglamorous]

Yes, this was my first try at the practice of poly. The idea isn't new though I've been reading and researching for around 3 years. I know theory and practice are two different things. I think I have some how entered another monogamous relationship, even though that was not the intended outcome. Or at least that's what it feels like. I think I just jumped the gun because he seemed like he was willing to sexually explore with me, but now that I jumped the gun and entered a relationship and had sex he doesn't seem as interested in exploring.

 

[FallenAngelina]

We talk about it an it usually ends in a fight because I cant articulate my wants well enough (mainly cause I feel like he will get mad and its a pointless cause.)

What are your wants? You can tell us.

 

[Polyglamorous]

Well, I would like to have a threesomes with a girl or a guy but I can't really just have sex without an emotional/mental connection. So I guess there has to be a relationship there to some degree. Not just a fling. Like I want to see movies and play board games and have sex together. I guess be like a family. Like I don't want two separate realtionships. I don't think he is okay with that, or anything really. As far as the people I am with, I don't care if they want to date other people as long as their hearts are in it.

 

[River]

Well, I would like to have a threesomes with a girl or a guy but I can't really just have sex without an emotional/mental connection. So I guess there has to be a relationship there to some degree. Not just a fling. Like I want to see movies and play board games and have sex together. I guess be like a family. Like I don't want two separate realtionships. I don't think he is okay with that, or anything really. As far as the people I am with, I don't care if they want to date other people as long as their hearts are in it.

I've observed that some people have sex with people with whom there is no significant (basically zero) degree of "emotional/mental connection". These people often radically segregate their sexual experiences from their "emotional/mental connection" experiences, such that the two make no overlap at all. Some of these people like to have "emotional/mental connection" experiences, but only with friends with whom they are not having sex. Others have two utterly separate boxes--, one for romantic connections and the other for sex.

And the differences proliferate from here. Some who don't have two separate boxes (who do and must feel emotional and personal connection with sex), can have "light and easy" personal connections which are also sexual. Others cannot, and only mix "the two" if there is "serious commitment" and involvement (whatever that means, exactly). And these exist on a wide spectrum among individuals. But we as a society rarely acknowledge any of this in such a way as to honour and respect one another in this diversity.

This sort of topic becomes especially interesting and challenging, I think, when one's way of feeling and being (in this respect) is statistically uncommon. In our culture at present the usual "frame" is, well, "There's "hooking up" over here on the far end of the spectrum, and that involves no "meaningful" (or ongoing) connection. It's a lot like using another person's body to masturbate oneself, as it seems to me. Then there is the whole marriage and marriage-like (and monogamous) model on the other end of the spectrum. And the ten thousand variations between these two fully imaginary poles are generally lost to both imagination and experience, a kind of unmapped wilderness of invisible swamp monsters, I guess.

One trouble with this spectrum is that it hasn't really got two poles at all. It hasn't just got an X and a Y coordinate. It also has a Z coordinate. But it has other coordinates, too, if we find ourselves able to explore freely and outside the familiar boxes.

My point? I'm not sure exactly. But I think the old familiar paradigm is breaking down and we haven't yet got anything like a useful map for the new world we're coming into.

I think that's a good thing. But it does result in a few blank and bewildered stares from those who haven't even noticed the map they have been trying to live upon.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Polyglamorous,

It sounds like the guy you've been dating has somewhat abruptly come to the conclusion that he is strictly monogamous, and that he doesn't want anyone he dates (e.g. you) to be polyamorous. Or maybe he knew it in the back of his mind, but he was waiting to see how things turned out. When you and your primary broke up, maybe this guy saw an opportunity, a way to wedge his "monogamous foot" in the door. I can't tell how much of this he planned in advance. I just know that he is "3% nonmonogamous" now. And maybe he still thinks he can get you to be monogamous with him, or so he thinks in part of his mind.

This puts you in a bad spot, you really have to decide whether to attempt a mono/poly relationship with this guy. Whether a mono/poly relationship with him is even possible. I'm not sure what to suggest, I think this is something you have to decide on your own. Hopefully the thoughts posted here will help you in that decision.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

He said well I am sorry but I am not poly. then he proceeded to say "lets end this" then when I was like uhh okay? he seemed to back track. Can I have some outside perspective here?

He said "Let's end this" and you agreed. Sounds like you guys broke up. No break up is fun, so I'm sorry to hear it. At the same time, if it was the best thing to do? Let it stay broken up.

Because this is what you want and he's not into that:

Well, I would like to have a threesomes with a girl or a guy but I can't really just have sex without an emotional/mental connection. So I guess there has to be a relationship there to some degree. Not just a fling. Like I want to see movies and play board games and have sex together. I guess be like a family. Like I don't want two separate realtionships. I don't think he is okay with that, or anything really. As far as the people I am with, I don't care if they want to date other people as long as their hearts are in it.

You both deserve to be with people who are compatible. Not everyone you date will be a runner. I think it's fair to break up with those who turn out not to be a match. Or who turn out different than you first thought.

If you meant

• "Why does he get mad when I try to articulate my wants?"
  
• "why's he giving me ultimatums that he's going to date other people like that is supposed to punish or upset me?"
  
• "why would he suggest breaking up and then back pedal when I agree?"
• "Is he playing head games?"

Only he knows what his thinking is/was. It's ok for you not to know his motivations and thinking process. Because you seem to know already that this guy isn't a match for the things you want/are looking for. Knowing his thinking process isn't going to suddenly make him a match.

Galagirl

 

[lunabunny]

I might be completely off base, but what I think you have here is a monogamous, cowboy-wolf in non-monogamous clothing. And he's trying to pull the wool over your eyes.

I think your first clue was when you perceived work dude was "stringing (his former partner) along". Why you then believed he wouldn't do the same or similar to you is anybody's guess. Perhaps you may need to explore that.

In any case, you two are on different pages here.

YOU are just coming out of a lengthy relationship in which you felt sexually unfulfilled, and are now ready to explore your physical desires - with more than one partner. You'd prefer to have some degree of emotional connection to these potential partners, rather than it be "just sex" (like, you're not keen on FWB-only or one night stands?) and wish to integrate them into your wider life experiences. But the main focus is on sexual exploration, rather than being tied down to just one monogamous partner once again - especially not one who isn't interested in experimenting sexually.

Before you got together with work dude, he intimated he was likewise down with experimentation. He led you to believe he was polyamorous and keen to engage in threesomes with you and other female or male partners.

However, just before, or not long after you two started dating, he ended his other relationship, as did you... and now that he's "got you to himself" work dude appears to have done a backflip on everything he previously professed in regards to you being free to share sex with others.

Sounds awfully like he strung YOU along by planting false notions in your head about what he would and wouldn't be up for. I'm not sure how much of this was done with any degree of forethought, or if he legitimately had a belated change of heart, but it sounds as if this guy is - at best - confused about his own wants and needs and a little immature when it comes to relationships, and - at worst - somewhat manipulative and potentially controlling.

I don't see it as a good fit.

 

[Tinwen]

Lunabunny could be just right.

Or maybe he IS genuinely into you, but he's NOT into nonmonogamy - he gave it a try, but really just to be able to date you.

He's telling you, basically, that if you're not up for monogamy he's gonna keep searching for someone who is while keeping you around for convenience.

 

[Magdlyn]

Some (if not many) guys, will say anything to get laid. This is just a fact.

 

[Neonjoe88]

Hello...it’s me

So as awkward as this might be I am the guy this thread is about. I’m not one that usually does this but seeing as she is then I’m willing to.sorry in advance for the length. As she has already stated this situation is completely new to me. Quick backstory. I had been with my ex for roughly 5 years. Other than the lack of sex the relationship was an okay one. We had no issues other than the distance (hour drive) which led to limited time together. I did however always feel deep down there was something lacking besides the obvious. She had always pushed for me to seek another but i had never been that type. I met Polyglamorous in March, unfortunately through work (we both realize the negative), but as time passed i grew fond of her and enjoyed every moment. After a few months of getting to know one another, and being informed of the poly world, we decided to give it a shot. After a short period i decided to cut ties with Elizabeth as me and her have discussed before. It was a clean cut and there were no hard feelings. We were at a point that we weren’t progressing and i had met someone that had filled voids that i didn’t even realize i had until now. Now... As she stated I did agree to sharing a threesome experience with her and both a man & woman. This would be a new thing for both of us. This being my first poly relationship I have tread lightly. I have been very okay with it up to this point. I do enjoy hanging out with her and her primary (what little we have all spent together), but as she stated they are no longer together. So far I’m 7 months into the actual poly portion and now it is just us. So i guess here is the part where i become....uneasy i guess.

Being that i am fairly new, and this being my first and still trying to find my place in it all, i am uncertain how i will react hearing news that she has found another person. Since i am in uncharted waters i don’t know how i will feel. I have been perfectly okay with the previous, but anything new i just don’t know. So at one point i felt that it would ease the situation if i dated as well as her. She takes it as an ultimatum, but i feel it would just be healthy...i could be wrong. I did find it hard juggling both relationships which is why i don’t currently have desires to seek out anyone, and the fact i don’t have any actual desire to. Now back to the threesome situation. This is where things get....less clear for me. I guess it is something we didn’t discuss thoroughly enough before hand. But currently i feel as if we are close, but given the situation i feel as if i am....left out of a lot of her life. We’ll leave it at that. I feel like we’re not progressed to a point that i feel like a threesome feels okay. I feel like we’re fast forwarding past all the important stuff and only watching the bonus features of a movie. I am also unclear about intentions. I was under the impression that this man/woman would be just the third partner in intercourse but i feel like they will be a permanent addition to our relationship.

Ultimately i had set myself up and ready for a poly relationship with her, Ex, and I, but didn’t see the possibility of others and now I’m unsure how i feel. I feel as though i need to see it through because i won’t know how I’ll feel unless i try, and if i don’t i might regret that decision for a lifetime. She’s a once in a lifetime woman and i don’t want to regret not making an attempt, but i don’t want to waste her time if it doesn’t work out. Sorry for length of this. Theres much more but i tried to keep it shorten as much as possible �� I’m all ears!

 

[lunabunny]

Neonjoe, hi and welcome.

I assume your gf told you she had posted on this forum and that is why you're also here to explain your "side" - and NOT that you simply stumbled across her post and recognised the situation, which would indeed be awkward.

One thing: For the most part, this is an anonymous site. Members tend to utilise user-names that disguise their identity rather than help identify them to those in "poly world" who may recognise their personal details or those of a particular situation. You may wish to consider editing your above post to REMOVE REAL NAMES ^ or ask a Mod to do it for you.

More in a mo...

 

[Neonjoe88]

Sell darlington

Neonjoe, hi and welcome.

I assume your gf (Jax?) told you she had posted on this forum and that is why you're also here to explain your "side" - and NOT that you simply stumbled across her post and recognised the situation, which would indeed be awkward.

One thing: For the most part, this is an anonymous site. Members tend to utilise user-names that disguise their identity rather than help identify them to those in "poly world" who may recognise their personal details or those of a particular situation. You may wish to consider editing your above post to REMOVE REAL NAMES ^ or ask a Mod to do it for you.

More in a mo...

I’ve already tried to edit and it directed me to a moderator so i messaged them once i realized what i did. And yes she is aware of this beforehand.

 

[lunabunny]

I'd been with my ex five years.
She had always pushed for me to seek another but i had never been that type.

After a few months of getting to know (the OP), and being informed of the poly world, we decided to give it a shot. After a short period i decided to cut ties with (your ex partner).

Now... As (the OP) stated I did agree to sharing a threesome experience with her and both a man & woman. This would be a new thing for both of us. This being my first poly relationship I have tread lightly.

I did find it hard juggling both relationships which is why i don’t currently have desires to seek out anyone, and the fact i don’t have any actual desire to.

It is understandable that you have a sense of trepidation about getting involved in a lifestyle which you're not only unfamiliar with, but have hitherto had no desire to involve yourself in, judging from what you said about your reaction to your previous partner's suggestion that you bring in other partners. (i.e. "I've never been that type".) I felt exactly the same way when I "fell into" polyamory a couple of years ago.

Especially since, during your brief foray into dating two people at once, you found it hard going balancing the demands and feelings involved in more than one relationship.

So why the change of heart in relation to this new partnership? Why go against your monogamous nature at all?

Was your purported willingness to try a more open style of relating an attempt to ingratiate yourself to the OP (before you two hooked up for real) by projecting a veneer of being more open-minded or experimental than you really feel?

Or, did you really feel you could be alright with it, IF she restricted the "others" to just her pre-existing partner and maybe a handful of people whose involvement would be limited to sexual experiment status only? (Which is what I hear you saying, below.)

Since i am in uncharted waters i don’t know how i will feel. I have been perfectly okay with the previous (OP's ex partner), but anything new i just don’t know. So at one point i felt that it would ease the situation if i dated as well as her. She takes it as an ultimatum, but i feel it would just be healthy...i could be wrong.

Now back to the threesome situation. I guess it is something we didn’t discuss thoroughly enough before hand. But currently i feel as if we are close, but given the situation i feel as if i am....left out of a lot of her life. We’ll leave it at that.

I feel like we’re not progressed to a point that i feel like a threesome feels okay. I feel like we’re fast forwarding past all the important stuff and only watching the bonus features of a movie.

I think you've hit on something crucial here. You're both currently on different pages... or rather, at different STAGES... and have expressed different wants and needs.

In my own experience, "opening up" (including actively engaging in ethical non monogamy and/or experimenting with group sex) is NOT something a person can or should rush into if they don't feel totally ready. To do so will surely cause all kinds of pain and resentment, even if it's not directly or immediately expressed.

As one of the regular forum members is fond of saying, there needs to be a "joyous YES!" from both, or all parties concerned.

Sounds like you're still in the contemplating/decision making/processing phase of the game. You're not sure. You have questions. You MAY eventually be willing and able to move forward into non monogamy/poly... however, you're not quite there yet, and you feel your gf is pushing you to be on HER level of readiness, right now. Admittedly, she was upfront about what she wants and needs. She didn't mislead you or do anything wrong...

...HOWEVER, there seems to have been some miscommunication surrounding the proposed NATURE of what she (OP/gf) intended, when she expressed her need to explore other partnerships, with and without your involvement.

I am also unclear about intentions. I was under the impression that this man/woman would be just the third partner in intercourse but i feel like they will be a permanent addition to our relationship.

Ultimately i had set myself up and ready for a poly relationship with her, Robert, and I, but didn’t see the possibility of others and now I’m unsure how i feel. I feel as though i need to see it through because i won’t know how I’ll feel unless i try, and if i don’t i might regret that decision for a lifetime. She’s a once in a lifetime woman and i don’t want to regret not making an attempt, but i don’t want to waste her time if it doesn’t work out. Sorry for length of this. Theres much more but i tried to keep it shorten as much as possible I’m all ears!

I don't think it's wise to go against one's own nature SOLELY to please another person - even if that person is someone you truly love and don't wish to lose.

That said, I get the feeling you are sincere in your desire to "try" to explore the less conventional aspects of sexuality that your current relationship offers. As my partner Jester once told me, however, polyamory is not really something you can simply "try" and give up if it doesn't sit well, as one can with, say, swinging or a threesome with random strangers.

True polyamory - by its very nature - involves more than two people, and those other people are also human beings with feelings and wants and needs of their own. Other people's lives are not to be trifled with... therefore, I urge you to do a lot of reading, research, thinking and ask questions of experienced poly people (such as those on this forum) and really formulate in your own mind WHAT sort of things you think you'd be up for... and what you definitely wouldn't be okay with... before taking making any decision you might come to regret.

Take some time to really think about it. TALK to you girlfriend and LISTEN to her pov also. Think about your boundaries and express them clearly. But realise you cannot impose your will on your gf... and nor can she, on you. There may be room to compromise, but be careful of making too many compromises for the sake of keeping the relationship going.

It may transpire that there is not enough common ground to make this relationship work going forward, and that's okay. If so, you may decide to amicably part ways. After all, you still have to work together.

 

[Tinwen]

Hello Neonjoe,
your post is a bit hard to read so I'll try to summarize, please correct me if I'm wrong, ok? I also add some questions for your contemplation, no need to answer all of them here unless you want to.

• You had a sexless relationship with your ex, who encouraged you to find someone else; once you did, you broke up with her upon mutual agreement.
  
• When you met Polyglamorous, you started a relationship knowing about and being ok with her other partner; yet you didn't discuss if you or she will be dating someone else.
  
• Now that she sais she would like to date other people, you are surprised and you don't know how you'll react to that.
  (Did you two speak about what that would mean? Are you willing to find out how you'll react? What do you need to feel secure?)
  
• You are unsure if you want to date yourself - you feel it could make the relationship more "healthy", but you had trouble balancing two relationships
  (Why do you think it would be more healthy? Is it about a sense of "fairness"? Do you feel hurt by her wanting to date?)
  
• When you said you would do a threesome, you talked about casual sex-only encounters. (Still up for that?)
  
• When Polyglamorous talks about threesomes with more stable dating partners, you feel like the cart is being put before the horse - you need to first know how you would handle the other relationship. (Or is it something else?)
  
• You also feel left out of big parts of her life. (Why?)
  
• You want to try to work it out with Polyglamorous.

It seems to me that you, Neonjoe, have not actually familiarized yourself with the concept of polyamory and contemplated if it's something you want to do. Go read More that two and this article or some other information sources and think for yourself about what you want out of your relationships.
It's ok to not know if you can do certain things or not and clearly this will be the case for you in the following months, but you can at least get clear on some of your wishes and intentions.
Also, clarify what you both mean by certain terms (like polyamory, threesome, dating, relationship, family) with Polyglamorous so that you both know you're talking about the same things. That's obviously important in your case. You can also do some of the reading together.
It seems you two are at the beginning. You need to work out which relationship model you want to practice together if any.

 

[Ravenscroft]

First, the whole "dating someone from work" thing. Usually, people around here will advise against it because of ickiness that can occur when encountering an ex multiple times during the workday, especially if the job is stressful.

Me, I have other reasons, particularly that it's somewhat delusional.

Studies of how (monogamous) people found their "soul mates" repeatedly demonstrate that "the only person in the entire world that I could ever love" just happened to be working nearby, or living on the same floor, or attending the same class at the same time, or regularly taking the same bus, etc. (rather than, say, on another floor or two buildings away, or using different transport).**

Repeated exposure is seen as some sort of Romantic nonsense like "God's will" when it's actually just the propinquity effect setting off an initial limerent obsession.

When the novelty fades (which it does), repeated forced exposure to the "disappointing" other results in an especially rapid collapse of goodwill. One (maybe both) feels the other's "divine" nearness to now be intrusive, even threatening.
________
** -- Of course, there's other commonality points, like being introduced by a mutual friend, or getting chatted up by an interesting stranger in a slow grocery queue, but these are surprisingly (to me) unusual.
________________

I'm going to step back to the root post first -- well, posts, now -- & point up a few things that look like core miscommunication.

We both took this kink quiz online. One of the things on there was non-monogamy
the questions about poly were super obvious

Polyamory IS NOT "kink"; bdsm IS NOT polyamory. Sexual nonmonogamy is not polyamory.

he did not seem invested in that relationship and seemed more to be stringing her along.

We were at a point that we weren’t progressing

Called The Relationship Escalator: thinking that it can't be a good relationship unless it keeps "improving" by having more demands piled upon it. People who think like this are often dismayed at how one relationship after another fails the same way.

It's Monogamist nonsense & has no place in polyamory.

Poly was not a rash decision, we had talked about it for two years.

Very unclear here who the "we" is. In any case, it's a very big leap from "nattering about the fantasy" to (say) discussing the ramifications, attenting public meetup groups, being active on sites like this, etc. IME, lots of people who talk about something are actually talking their way around it, commenting on the proverbial elephant in the livingroom but careful to not question what it's doing there in the first place.

From the start he knew that I was poly.

Okay, then that is on him... if accurate.

You weren't polyamorous. At that point, you had no actual experience at maintaining multiple on-going intimate relationships, & were still at the stage of "wow, it sounds like such a totally groovy idea, & you should be my co-guinea pig."

With all the expectation/demand for threesomes, you're muddling "polyamory" with "nonmonogamy" with "kinky fun." IMO, you're leaning toward open monogamy, where you'd have one "real" relationship & maybe some ongoing FWBs for occasional naughtiness.

Did he have any previous exposure to the term? How well did he understand the concept? How much study has he done in the past seven months? How about you?

And how good is your own understanding of polyamory? In barely a half-year, you (PG) alone have shifted through three relationships. Both of you (NJ & PG) have exhibited difficulty with maintaining ONE relationship, & are impatient to toss a few more onto the stack.

On the surface it looks a little like you've used Neonjoe (& "poly") as the "reason" to break up with your troubled eight-year relationship (rather than work on it), & now might be using him to transition to open monogamy & so are focusing on his "failures" to make the eventual breakup smoother.

my coworker said things like he was okay with my dating my primary but he wasn't sure how he would handle anyone else.

Now, see, THAT is much closer to actual polyamory: he understood his limits, AND he communicated them to you.

The contract NJ agreed to was "I am willing to be in a vee with you & him." PG then said "you accepted that contract, & I decided to change it (without consulting you) to include whoever else I want to be in a "real" relationship with, & you're being unreasonable for not immediately bowing to my needs."

Him and I have talked about threesomes with males or females and hes stated he would do them. Now that we are in a relationship, he seems less inclined towards that matter.

Again, you're using the relationship as leverage to change the contract in your favor. You specified threesomes, NOT vee/triad, & in a context of nonmonogamy &/or kink, NOT polyamory. Having got him to agree to "occasional kinky fun," you again revised the contract, then demanded he accept your "needs" --

I can't really just have sex without an emotional/mental connection. ... there has to be a relationship there.... Not just a fling. Like I don't want two separate realtionships.

So, not only does PG need to pursue other ongoing relationships, BUT if NJ doesn't participate in everything then he's being a callous jerk.

To restate the theme, that's NOT what he agreed to. He has a right to balk at ANY sudden unilateral changes. There's nothing in polyamory that supports weaselling.

I don't think he is okay with that, or anything really.

Please explain the "anything" part. It seems ominous.

He seems to given me an ultimatum of if I date anyone other than my primary(a sexless unhappy relationship) hes going to date people

What problem do you have with NJ dating other people?

(By "dating," do you mean "hanging out at Starbucks," or "fucking"? Is "fucking other people" the problem, or is it more "fucking other people without making it all about ME"?)

Stating "I cannot go past this point" is not an ultimatum. You intend to break the contract; NJ intends to hew to it. Therefore, it's YOU who have issued a tacit "take it or leave it" & are having difficulty accepting that he is considering the latter despite your awesomeness.

He said well I am sorry but I am not poly.

Well, that's because he's not. A common noob error is to believe that fucking multiple people means that THEY are somehow therefore "poly," guilt by association... or maybe "infected" is a more appropriate analogy.

And again, he seems to've made an honest statement, only to get flak for not spitting out the "right" answer.

Can I have some outside perspective here?

Certainly: end it.

• Neither of you seems particularly happy.
• Neither of you seems particularly trusting of the other.
• Neither of you seems willing to seek (much less find) some middle ground away from your various preconcieved visions of the future.

The only way this can proceed in a positive fashion is if BOTH of you set aside all the extraneous nonsense & highfalutin' Romantic fantasies about launching One Big Fucking Family, & learn how to fix stuff.

 

[Rising]

The co-worker boyfriend sounds as if he got cold feet about poly or when the situation became real (i.e. my girlfriend is going to want to sleep with new people) he became possessive. I agree with those who said to move on and be clear with what you want from new lovers right from the start.