Anxious attachment help

S

shindig

New member
Hi! So I've (27F) been non-hierarchical polyam for about 3.5 years now. I've had one partner (36 NB) for most of that time, who was already dating someone else once we started. There were, of course, big changes to my worldview, and discomforts along the way, but I feel pretty secure in our relationship.

My second partner (30NB) and I have been dating for 6 months and are very deep in NRE. I haven't experienced so many feelings in this way, so deeply, with anyone, and for them to be reciprocated in a similar way, ever. I feel extremely seen and loved in our relationship. However, I've recently been feeling panicked about hypotheticals. What if they hook up with someone, date someone, fall in love with someone else? What if there are changes to the time we can share, or if they fall for someone else, I'll be replaced?

When I sit with these feelings and reflect, I think it becomes clear that I am dealing with a lot of self-esteem issues, and even with a lot of trust and love, that I feel like this love is too good to be true and it'll end (which is quite reflective of dating experiences in my early twenties, where things would go super well, and then I'd get the "paragraph text" of "You're great, but not for me").

I think as much as I'd love to be that cool girl who is totally fine with change, I'm not. I have GAD, PSTD, and ADHD, and have been in therapy for a few years, but my therapist is taking a LOA for 3 months.

That being said, I want to build this distress tolerance, to be stronger and to feel more secure in myself. I've shared these feelings with him and I've only received love and patience. I want him to be free. I want him to be loved in the ways he desires, with whom he desires. And I know I've got a lot to unpack.

Does anyone have any advice on books, podcasts, Idk journal prompts, that you think might help? I know some of this will take time and I have to be patient with myself (as I often try to rush healing), however, I want to be proactive. Any advice appreciated.
 
Yes! We have a metric ton of fantastic resources listed here.


Books, web articles, a podcast, movies, as well as a long list of archived consolidated mega threads on every poly topic known to humanity. Dig in!
 
Welcome, shindig. I hope we can offer some suggestions :) You'll likely get mixed advice because different people tend to deal with this stuff in different ways.

Do you know why you aren't fine with change? Do you welcome other changes, like when you met this newer person and you started getting to know each other? That was a change, too. Do you frame things as being positive change and negative change and it's the perception of negative change that you're not fine with?

It sounds like you've only just come to the realisation that there are self-esteem issues at play here. A fear of not being worthy of being loved, I take it? The insecure attachment - does this come from your early years, or did it develop in your 20s with those break up texts? (You do not have to answer these questions in the forum, it's just food for thought).

You mention the notion of "too good to be true" - which I will suggest is partly a reflection of the experience of New Relationship Energy (NRE) or that 6-24 month period of "rose tinted glasses" that the people who are falling for each other tend to wear. That's fine, that's part of the fun of falling for someone while getting to know them. But not every relationship has the potential to keep going after this wears off, and that's okay. If a relationship ends because after that initial NRE phase, either of the people discover they aren't wanting to continue, it's not because the other person isn't lovable. It's because not everyone is long-term compatible. If we break up, we free ourselves and the other person up to have time and energy to find a new person to get to know. Break ups are not failures. Change isn't failure. Change itself is just change, value neutral. Sometimes that change feels icky, but the old saying is, "when God closes a door, He opens a window". While I personally don't subscribe to Christian notions of god, it's not a bad saying. I'm sure something like it exists in other belief systems too, but I was brought up Christian so sayings like this linger. And in my experience, it's true. It can take a wee while to find the window, but there's every chance you wouldn't have met these two lovely people in your life now if you hadn't had those break ups earlier in life. I also like the concept of people being in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Very few people are lifetime people. Most people come into our lives for a reason or a season. If you stop imagining that every single lover should be a lifetime person, it's less painful when that person

So the "what ifs" are plaguing you at the moment. You're manufacturing worries and you want to shut that little voice up. I just found these videos. I flicked through some of her playlist and she seems to give good insight on a variety of things. Perhaps these can help while your therapist is on his LOA.





 
Hello shindig,

Unfortunately, every relationship comes with a risk factor, especially in the beginning. You have to try to develop an ability to enjoy what you have right now, without letting the fear of the future steal your happiness. Even if a relationship ends, you have to look back on it without regrets, knowing how happy it made you, and what good memories you still have. If a relationship lasts a long time that's a bonus. And polyamory does improve your odds, for if a partner meets someone new, that partner doesn't have to choose between you and the new person, they can have both. I know, this probably isn't terribly comforting, but it's what I can offer from my perspective.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I don't know if my impressions could help you. FWIW?

However, I've recently been feeling panicked about hypotheticals. What if they hook up with someone, date someone, fall in love with someone else? What if there are changes to the time we can share, or if they fall for someone else, I'll be replaced? When I sit with these feelings and reflect, I think it becomes clear that I am dealing with a lot of self-esteem issues, and even with a lot of trust and love, that I feel like this love is too good to be true, and it'll end.
Click to expand...

Are these like intrusive thoughts? Is the underlying thought "X will happen and I won't cope well," or similar? In case this helps you and you want to bring it up with your therapist.


Did you have these thoughts with the established partner when they started dating someone after you? How did you cope then?

It kind of sounds like you are enjoying the NRE and want to be in the NRE bubble for a while longer. And you worry about the new partner dating a new person after you, and having NRE for them and forgetting about you. Could that be true?

To me a person does thinking or action behavior. Then feelings ensue. You seem to use "think" and "feel" interchangeably. While I know some people use "I feel" like a soft "I think" you might consider being more strict. You thought these sorts of thoughts.

  • What if they hook up with someone, date someone, fall in love with someone else?
  • What if there are changes to the time we can share?
  • What if I'm replaced/broken up with?
Thinking those things led to feeling anxious or panicked.

Yet you are not your thoughts or your feelings of the moment. You are a person doing some thinking. Which you can stop or change your mind about. You are a person experiencing some feelings. Which may dissipate or change if you change whatever the actions behavior/thinking behavior was. Not always, but sometimes.

I think as much as I'd love to be that cool girl who is totally fine with change, I'm not. I have GAD, PSTD, and ADHD, and have been in therapy of a few years, but my therapist is taking a LOA for 3 months.
Click to expand...

Will you have a substitute/short-term therapist while your regular one is on LOA? Hopefully you got a referral from your regular one. Or if you want to find another, maybe this helps you:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org

It sounds counterintuitive, but you could face the fear and make a plan. You could talk to both partners about how you'd want to be broken up with, if it has to happen. Ask for their preferences. In person, on the phone, video call, text, email, letter, whatever your first and second choices are. And locations -- in private, like a home, semi-private, like a quiet park, in public, like a restaurant, etc.

Nobody wants the plane to crash, but they still pack parachutes. Nobody wants the boat to sink, but they still pack life preservers. Nobody wants a break up like "Hooray! Let's get ice cream!" But you could still make the emergency plan if a break-up has to happen, so it can go smoother and not catch you by surprise, like past ones did.

Galagirl
 
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I feel you. Maybe at the 6 months mark you feel or fear coming down form NRE a little, and this contributes to anxiety. You're still in an unstable stage of the relationship. Have a lot of understanding and patience with yourself.
 
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