Are Conservative Values Fundamentally Incompatible with Polyamory?

[PillarOfTruth]

Hi everyone,

I’m reaching out to this community because I’m grappling with a question that’s been on my mind for a while now. As someone who holds conservative values, I’ve always believed in the traditional norms surrounding relationships—monogamy being a central tenet. Recently, I’ve been learning more about polyamory and its principles, and it’s left me wondering if there’s an inherent conflict between my values and the concept of polyamorous relationships.

From what I understand, polyamory involves having consensual, committed relationships with multiple partners. It’s about openness, honesty, and a non-traditional approach to intimacy. On the other hand, my conservative values emphasize a traditional family structure and often view monogamy as the ideal standard for romantic relationships.

I’m not trying to dismiss or criticize polyamory; rather, I’m genuinely curious if there’s a fundamental incompatibility between my values and this relationship style. Are there ways in which conservative principles might align with or adapt to polyamory, or are they inherently at odds?

I’d appreciate hearing from those who might have wrestled with similar questions or have insights into how these perspectives interact.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts and perspectives.

 

[Evie]

Well, there's so many different ways to do polyamory that there's probably not one sole way to answer that.

Closed relationships with more than two adults can create the nuclear family your conservative values probably would find okay. But finding three people who operate well in a closed relationship is incredibly difficult.

I used to know a family of three adults (fmf) and two children (one child per woman) and the kids called both women a variation of Mom and man, Dad. They were a triad although they recognised that they loved each other differently, even if there was 1-1 intimacy between each dyad. They worked really well as a three person relationship (and are still together even though I'm not friends with them anymore). They aren't actually closed, but they live like a nuclear family. Of course, your conservative values might not like that the is a lesbian relationship as well as two heterosexual relationships in that nuclear family, I'm not sure how conservative you're going here?

Would you mind spelling out exactly what your conservative values are, then we can use more examples or counter examples to help the discussion along.

 

[SquishyHusk]

I also struggle with my traditional, conservative, Christian values in light of the MFF relationship that has developed. I don't have the answers, but we all go to church together as a family, and no one has burst into flames. We are a traditional family in most ways - with the huge exception that we are engaging in adultery by definition. I believe that it is out of love though, so I hope that makes it okay. I could point to Old Testament examples of multiple wives being acceptable to God, but I've never subscribed to cherry-picking passages that tell you what you want to hear. Instead, I pray for guidance and try to do good.

 

[Albert Ross]

As Evie said, it would help to know more about precisely what values you hold that may/may not be at odds with polyamory. "Conservative values" could mean practically anything, though I assume you are focused on "my conservative values emphasize a traditional family structure and often view monogamy as the ideal standard for romantic relationships."

Because, yes,

"Monogamy is the ideal standard for romantic relationships"

is obviously, trivially, tautologically not compatible with

"polyamory involves having consensual, committed relationships with multiple partners"

So... what are you actually asking, and why?

 

[ref2018]

I’ve always believed in the traditional norms surrounding relationships—monogamy being a central tenet. Recently, I’ve been learning more about polyamory and its principles, and it’s left me wondering if there’s an inherent conflict between my values and the concept of polyamorous relationships.

From what I understand, polyamory involves having consensual, committed relationships with multiple partners. It’s about openness, honesty, and a non-traditional approach to intimacy. On the other hand, my conservative values emphasize a traditional family structure and often view monogamy as the ideal standard for romantic relationships.

I’m not trying to dismiss or criticize polyamory; rather, I’m genuinely curious if there’s a fundamental incompatibility between my values and this relationship style. Are there ways in which conservative principles might align with or adapt to polyamory, or are they inherently at odds?

Yes, your conservative beliefs and values surrounding relationship norms are fundamentally incompatible and inherently at odds with the principles of polyamory.

I hope this helps clear things up for you.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you for choosing polyamory.com.

 

[Bobbi]

My thoughts... Your values are what you were taught. So really, they are someone else's values that you put on and have been wearing without question. Now you are questioning one subset of them and may decide to change that value. That's how most people work. Some never change the values they were taught, while others question everything and come up with their own set of values.

Using the word conservative doesn't change that. You can be a self-described conservative and still believe in gay marriage. You can be conservative and believe in a woman's right to reproductive health care. You can be conservative and believe that polyamory is right for you. Are these typical beliefs among what we might call "typical conservatives"? No. But frankly, we all have both liberal and conservative beliefs on certain things. There aren't as many 100% liberal or conservative people as the media would portray. Nobody can tell you if you are in or out of "the club," because these are terms we choose to use to describe us so other people can get a general idea of our ideology.

Hell, even saying you are Christian is a huge generalization because nobody practices that religion uniformly.

Only you can decide for yourself if polyamory is incompatible with your beliefs. If you need to conform your beliefs to fit inside an imaginary "conservative" box, then that's a whole other conversation.

 

[GalaGirl]

I’m not trying to dismiss or criticize polyamory; rather, I’m genuinely curious if there’s a fundamental incompatibility between my values and this relationship style. Are there ways in which conservative principles might align with or adapt to polyamory, or are they inherently at odds?

I think only you can answer that. If you are reviewing your core beliefs to see if they still hold true and serve you well, you are the one who has to address and curate those beliefs, not anyone else.

From what I understand, polyamory involves having consensual, committed relationships with multiple partners. It’s about openness, honesty, and a non-traditional approach to intimacy. On the other hand, my conservative values emphasize a traditional family structure and often view monogamy as the ideal standard for romantic relationships.

Another perspective might be that some poly people want MORE comittment, not less.

Doesn't monogamy include having a consensual, committed relationship, with openness and honesty? Is it really that big a stretch to go from having one committed partner to two?

And WHOSE "traditional" family is it? From what culture, from what time?

Who gets to set the standard for how you live? You or someone else?

I think there's nothing wrong with wanting monogamy. There's also nothing wrong with wanting polyamory, or other models of non-monogamy.

I think each person gets to choose for themselves how they want to live, and it's ok to think, "That model is fine for you, but I want something else for me."

Even the same person may want different things over their lifetime.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

I’m grappling with a question that’s been on my mind for a while now. As someone who holds conservative values, I’ve always believed in the traditional norms surrounding relationships—monogamy being a central tenet. Recently, I’ve been learning more about polyamory and its principles, and it’s left me wondering if there’s an inherent conflict between my values and the concept of polyamorous relationships.

To put it bluntly, as ref did above, yes, there is a conflict.

From what I understand, polyamory involves having consensual, committed relationships with multiple partners. It’s about openness, honesty, and a non-traditional approach to intimacy. On the other hand, my conservative values emphasize a traditional family structure and often view monogamy as the ideal standard for romantic relationships.

Conservative people, who are mostly Christian fundamentalists/evangelicals, imagine that monogamy goes way back as the ideal relationship, Biblically. However, a Christian sect, Mormonism, practiced polygyny/plural marriage a mere 150 years ago. (And even more conservative fundamentalist Mormons practice it to this day.) Old Testament fathers are accepted and even admired for their multiple wives and sex slaves. Even in the New Testament, the "Pauline" sermons only prohibit bishops from marrying or having multiple wives.

The fact remains that in the millennia since, men were able, without much pushback, to engage sexually with multiple women. God only seemed to have a problem with women having multiple MALE partners, since then they might have children by multiple men, which would mess up inheritances and control.

As with SquishyHusk, if you're a conservative "Christian" male, and you want multiple FEMALE partners, it can be justified. You just can't have male lovers yourself, and your women can't have other male partners.

I’m not trying to dismiss or criticize polyamory; rather, I’m genuinely curious if there’s a fundamental incompatibility between my values and this relationship style. Are there ways in which conservative principles might align with or adapt to polyamory, or are they inherently at odds?

I’d appreciate hearing from those who might have wrestled with similar questions or have insights into how these perspectives interact.

It's fine if your wives want to have sex with each other. Lesbian sex is never mentioned in the Bible because it can't result in pregnancy. The problems begin when your wives want to branch out into dating other men. Maybe they feel neglected when you bring in a new woman and are wrapped up in your infatuation. Maybe you treat new wife better. Maybe you have more sex with her, or give her money, more attention in general, or favor the children she gives you.

Some neglected more established wives will want to seek other male partners who will treat them better. They might break up with you, after getting emotionally or sexually attached to another guy.

The popular TV show Sister Wives goes into all these problems in a real-life Mormon environment.

Modern polyamory, from a less conservative viewpoint, assumes women can choose whom to date polyamorously-- other women, men, or people of other genders (non-binary, trans, etc.). This is where you'd run into true conflicts.

 

[PillarOfTruth]

Thank you for all of the interest in understanding my perspective. I appreciate the opportunity to clarify my beliefs and how they intersect with this topic.

I hold a belief in God, but I do not adhere to any single denomination as the definitive representation of truth. I view God as a flexible and encompassing presence, transcending the boundaries of any specific religious tradition. To me, this means that while I respect various religious interpretations, I believe that God's nature and our understanding of the divine can be broader and more inclusive than what any single denomination might claim.

Regarding traditional values, I do support traditional gender roles within the context of my personal relationships. This belief aligns with my personal practices and the way I choose to navigate my own life and relationship dynamics. However, it is important to note that this is a personal choice and does not imply that I disparage or judge other ways of life or relationship structures. I firmly believe in respecting and valuing diverse approaches to relationships and roles as long as they are consensual and respectful of all parties involved.

I also hold that men and women should celebrate our differences, as I believe that God created us distinctively for a reason. Our differences contribute to the richness of our experiences and perspectives, and recognizing and appreciating these differences can lead to a more harmonious and balanced society. I do not agree with identity politics that aim to make us all the same or diminish the value of our unique characteristics. Instead, I believe in embracing our individuality and the roles we each play in our relationships and communities.

Specifically, I am not personally interested in pursuing romantic or intimate relationships with male partners. This preference is a reflection of my own desires and boundaries and does not influence my respect for others' choices. I am also aware that in a polyamorous context, my partners might desire to engage with other men. This is a factor that I would need to contextualize and explore further to understand my feelings and boundaries surrounding it. Navigating these dynamics requires open communication and introspection to ensure that all parties are comfortable and aligned in their expectations.

I also do not worry about attracting or maintaining relationships with those who do not share my worldview because I am selective about who I engage with. During courtship, I prioritize finding partners who align with my values and beliefs, which helps ensure that we are compatible and that our relationship dynamics are harmonious.

Furthermore, I advocate for personal autonomy and the importance of mutual consent in all aspects of relationships. This belief extends to the acceptance of diverse relationship models, including polyamory, as long as they are approached with honesty, communication, and respect among all individuals involved. I understand that relationships and values are deeply personal and can vary widely among individuals and cultures. As such, I appreciate and honor the diversity of experiences and choices people make regarding their relationships and personal lives.

Thank you again for engaging in this discussion and for seeking a deeper understanding of my beliefs.

 

[GalaGirl]

Specifically, I am not personally interested in pursuing romantic or intimate relationships with male partners. This preference is a reflection of my own desires and boundaries and does not influence my respect for others' choices. I am also aware that in a polyamorous context, my partners might desire to engage with other men. This is a factor that I would need to contextualize and explore further to understand my feelings and boundaries surrounding it. Navigating these dynamics requires open communication and introspection to ensure that all parties are comfortable and aligned in their expectations.

So.... are you saying this?

Up to now you have been monogamous and conservative. You are thinking about poly dating more than one partner. The biggest issue bumping into your conservative values is not religion, politics, or consent. It's that your female partners may want to poly date other men besides you?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello PillarOfTruth,

All three of the people in my poly V come from conservative backgrounds. We initially got to know each other through church activities. Now mind you, we will surely vote for Harris/Walz this year, so we're not that conservative. But I'd say we're pretty conservative as far as polyamorists go. Yes, monogamy is a conservative value, so you have to let that one go if you're going to be a polyamorist.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

The problem I see conservatives have when it comes to finding new kinky and/or poly partners is that very few people in that crowd want to date them. It can lead them to be even more resentful of those who they see as "Lefties" and an almost incel-like mentality.

I think this problem has changed somewhat in recent years, because there was a time where conservatives were more willing to date "Lefties" than they are now. We have reached a point where conservatives feel as offended and attacked by opposing politics as their counterparts. They fear their politics will infringe on their safety.

There then becomes this resentment that this otherwise ripe dating pool of potential partners have essentially added to their isolation and loneliness by adopting these threatening views.

 

[TomSloan]

Politics is entirely unrelated to lifestyle choices, in my opinion. I consider myself a conservative, and vote accordingly, for reasons completely unrelated to the nature of my marriage. It’s certainly common for people to want lower taxes, secure borders, a strong private sector, smaller government, and private health insurance while still living in a polyamorous relationship. There’s no inconsistency whatsoever.

 

[LoveBunny]

In the U.S., our conservative candidate for president is a known sexual assaulter, a pedophile (client of Jeffery Epstein,) who often says absolutely disgusting things about women, and he and his cronies are a clear danger to abortion rights & no friend to the LGBTQ community---

If you're voting conservative in the US right now, I would say your values certainly do not support women who can get pregnant (some of whom are poly.) Nor do they support LGBTQ folk (some of whom are poly.) However, if you're a straight man, apparently it's fine to be married & screw porn stars and buy underage girls, so you get a free pass!

My fetlife profile states that under no circumstances will I fuck a trumpet/conservative/republican/libertarian. Maybe not everyone needs to seek deep compatibility and shared values for a one-off or something casual, but at this point I'm among the population who actively tries to avoid interpersonal r'ships with people on the opposite side politically.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thank you for all of the interest in understanding my perspective. I appreciate the opportunity to clarify my beliefs and how they intersect with this topic.

I hold a belief in God, but I do not adhere to any single denomination as the definitive representation of truth. I view God as a flexible and encompassing presence, transcending the boundaries of any specific religious tradition. To me, this means that while I respect various religious interpretations, I believe that God's nature and our understanding of the divine can be broader and more inclusive than what any single denomination might claim.

Regarding traditional values, I do support traditional gender roles within the context of my personal relationships. This belief aligns with my personal practices and the way I choose to navigate my own life and relationship dynamics. However, it is important to note that this is a personal choice and does not imply that I disparage or judge other ways of life or relationship structures. I firmly believe in respecting and valuing diverse approaches to relationships and roles as long as they are consensual and respectful of all parties involved.

I also hold that men and women should celebrate our differences, as I believe that God created us distinctively for a reason.

Men and women do have some physical differences, in genitalia. Most men have more physical strength than women. Otherwise we are pretty much the same. And there are more than two genders, which may have characteristics of both opposite genders, even in the genitalia, but more often in brain chemistry.

Humans do reproduce sexually, as do many other creatures, both animals and plants. That is the reason we have penises and vaginas/uteruses pistils and stamens. I guess you could say god invented this process.

Our differences contribute to the richness of our experiences and perspectives, and recognizing and appreciating these differences can lead to a more harmonious and balanced society.

There is richness in the society of people who do not identify with one gender or another, or share characteristics of both. Maybe there is even more "richness," as we tend to need to think outside the box. (I am non-binary.)

I do not agree with identity politics that aim to make us all the same or diminish the value of our unique characteristics.

It's not politics. It's biology. This is undeniable in the face of current scientific research. No one wants us to "be all the same" person, or gender. We just want to be our authentic selves. Our unique characteristics are not "diminished," they are seen and celebrated.

Instead, I believe in embracing our individuality and the roles we each play in our relationships and communities.

Being an individual is what it's all about. Not forcing ourselves into the box of one gender or another is being truly ourselves.

my partners might desire to engage with other men. This is a factor that I would need to contextualize and explore further to understand my feelings and boundaries surrounding it. Navigating these dynamics requires open communication and introspection to ensure that all parties are comfortable and aligned in their expectations.

Usually it is the male husband who is threatened by "his woman," whom he believes he owns, getting the hots for another guy or masc-presenting person, who will then either forbid her from pursuing other men, by coercion or physical force, or will end up divorcing her (or worse).

I also do not worry about attracting or maintaining relationships with those who do not share my worldview because I am selective about who I engage with. During courtship, I prioritize finding partners who align with my values and beliefs, which helps ensure that we are compatible and that our relationship dynamics are harmonious.

Courtship, as in the arranged marriages of certain fundamentalists, where men petition the woman's father/owner for permission to court his daughter?

Furthermore, I advocate for personal autonomy and the importance of mutual consent in all aspects of relationships. This belief extends to the acceptance of diverse relationship models, including polyamory, as long as they are approached with honesty, communication, and respect among all individuals involved. I understand that relationships and values are deeply personal and can vary widely among individuals and cultures. As such, I appreciate and honor the diversity of experiences and choices people make regarding their relationships and personal lives.

That's cool. You don't want to force anyone to adhere to your own personal beliefs, including your wife. She has complete autonomy. You would respect her wishes to date other men, as well as other women.

 

[SeekingUnicorn4Life]

Hi everyone,

I’m reaching out to this community because I’m grappling with a question that’s been on my mind for a while now. As someone who holds conservative values, I’ve always believed in the traditional norms surrounding relationships—monogamy being a central tenet. Recently, I’ve been learning more about polyamory and its principles, and it’s left me wondering if there’s an inherent conflict between my values and the concept of polyamorous relationships.

From what I understand, polyamory involves having consensual, committed relationships with multiple partners. It’s about openness, honesty, and a non-traditional approach to intimacy. On the other hand, my conservative values emphasize a traditional family structure and often view monogamy as the ideal standard for romantic relationships.

I’m not trying to dismiss or criticize polyamory; rather, I’m genuinely curious if there’s a fundamental incompatibility between my values and this relationship style. Are there ways in which conservative principles might align with or adapt to polyamory, or are they inherently at odds?

I’d appreciate hearing from those who might have wrestled with similar questions or have insights into how these perspectives interact.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts and perspectives.

i am a conservative and see nothing wrong with the lifestyle of poly. Just like everything else in the world just do what is good for you and don't worry about anything else

 

[SquishyHusk]

i am a conservative and see nothing wrong with the lifestyle of poly. Just like everything else in the world just do what is good for you and don't worry about anything else

The problem is where people draw the line of "what affects me." One person might say, "If other people want to have unprotected sex with several people to whom they are not married, that's their business", while another might say, "Unprotected sex with several people outside of marriage increases the rates of STIs and single mothers. This affects me because of the costs to society."

 

[SeekingUnicorn4Life]

The problem is where people draw the line of "what affects me." One person might say, "If other people want to have unprotected sex with several people, to whom they are not married, that's their business," while another might say, "Unprotected sex with several people outside of marriage increases the rates of STIs and single mothers. This affects me because of the costs to society."

Then set some rules with your partner. No one wants STIs, so it shouldn't be that hard.

 

[jerseygirl41]

As a more conservative leaning woman I honestly have not struggled with it competing against my values. Love comes in many forms and expressed differently for many.