Are we hardwired for multiple partners? If so, what are the implications?

Isaiah990

Member
I've done a bit of scientific research and found we're hardwired for more than one partner. Here's a few facts I've learned.

* A survey was conducted on 16,000 people from every continent. Participants said they wanted more than one sexual partner.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/arch...-innate/4cc92d41-21f1-4a52-a89a-721658f096be/

* Biologists say women are hardwired to have multiple sex partners to boost the chances of having healthy children with the best chances of survival. Females across the animal kingdom are promiscuous. Since we evolved from other animals, women are likely hardwired for promiscuity. The strongest evidence of promiscuity is in testicles. Sperm competition means males evolved to make as much sperm as possible to eliminate competition. The more promiscuous females are, the larger male testicles will get. We find female chimps are very promiscuous and male chimps have large testicles.

https://www.theguardian.com/uk/2000/sep/03/anthonybrowne.theobserver

* Monogamy is rare in the animal kingdom. Most are promiscuous.

* 80% of early human societies were polygamous. Monogamy is a modern social invention.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...y/201605/monogamy-is-not-natural-human-beings

* Many people do not have just one partner in their lives. They've had more than one at a time. This is not monogamy. It's serial polygyny.

https://www.bustle.com/articles/121...nogamous-heres-what-5-researchers-have-to-say

This doesn't mean we can't be monogamous, but it's harder to be monogamous because it's unnatural. It's unrealistic to expect someone to never "cheat" and be completely loyal to a partner for life. If monogamy is going to work, expectations must lower a bit to make it a realistic option. If that's the case, is monogamy worth it? I don't think so.

That's why I lean more towards polyamory than monogamy.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
My observation so far, is that some people are hardwired for monogamy, and some people are hardwired for polyamory. I do not know what the ratios are, although I suspect that people hardwired for monogamy are in the minority.
 

Isaiah990

Member
My observation so far, is that some people are hardwired for monogamy, and some people are hardwired for polyamory. I do not know what the ratios are, although I suspect that people hardwired for monogamy are in the minority.
Right, scientists are currently studying certain genes in promiscuous people. These genes are responsible for risky behavior such as gambling and watching horror films. They are currently trying to see if there's a strong link between this gene and promiscuous behavior.

People can change mating strategies in certain situations. Men are more likely to choose monogamy when women are scarce.

Women are also more likely to choose men who are sought after by other women. All of these facts show we're hardwired more for polyamory than monogamy.

By the way, how many people do you know are secretly polyamorous?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Most of my observation is drawn from what I've read on poly forums. I would say that those who are "in the closet," constitute about half of that.
 

Isaiah990

Member
Most of my observation is drawn from what I've read on poly forums. I would say that those who are "in the closet," constitute about half of that.
What do you think about the arguments against polyamory? Do you think they are valid or not?

One of the arguments against polyamory is STD's. I don't think this is a valid argument because monogamous relationships also have risk of STD's. We have birth control and other safety measures to defend against STD's. Besides, I would use those regardless of what relationship I'm in.

Another argument is polyamory doesn't work because of jealousy. Once again, the same can be said about monogamy. When spouses interact with the opposite sex, people still get jealous even when there's no cheating involved. Jealousy is a personal issue that's not exclusive to people in one kind of relationship.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
That's why I lean more towards polyamory than monogamy.

I lean more towards non-monogamy because I won't agree to a sex/romance exclusivity agreement.

I'm curious why you are interested in the distinction between hard wired and not. Would it change things for you if monogamy were asserted to be more "natural"? Would that change you from thinking you are more geared toward polyamory?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
This doesn't mean we can't be monogamous, but it's harder to be monogamous because it's unnatural. It's unrealistic to expect someone to never "cheat" and be completely loyal to a partner for life. If monogamy is going to work, expectations must lower a bit to make it a realistic option. If that's the case, is monogamy worth it? I don't think so.

People can cheat on their poly agreements. It's not like poly is magic or something.

I think if there's agreements made with me? It's is reasonable for me to expect the people to keep their agreements. Because it's real easy to say to me from the start "No, thanks. I don't agree to that." I can either adjust my expectations and keep on with them or not engage with them.

Whether a monogamous arrangement or an open/poly one?

I'm not going to lower my personal standards to keep a chronic cheater in my network. Why deal with someone who can't be a person of their word? Esp when it's easy to dump them and deal with people of stronger character instead? I don't need the drama.

Galagirl
 
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Isaiah990

Member
I lean more towards non-monogamy because I won't agree to a sex/romance exclusivity agreement.

I'm curious why you are interested in the distinction between hard wired and not. Would it change things for you if monogamy were asserted to be more "natural"? Would that change you from thinking you are more geared toward polyamory?
Yes and yes. That's why I became polyamorous. When I was monogamous, I wanted to prove non monogamous relationships were unnatural. If non monogamous relationships are unnatural and unhealthy, people should stick to monogamy.
 

Evie

Mod
You have got to be kidding me.

Only "natural" relationships are okay, not just for you but for people in general?

You do realise this is where bigotry stems from, right?
 

Isaiah990

Member
People can cheat on their poly agreements. It's not like poly is magic or something.

I think if there's agreements made with me? It's is reasonable for me to expect the people to keep their agreements. Because it's real easy to say to me from the start "No, thanks. I don't agree to that." I can either adjust my expectations and keep on with them or not engage with them.

Whether a monogamous arrangement or an open/poly one?

I'm not going to lower my personal standards to keep a chronic cheater in my network. Why deal with someone who can't be a person of their word? Esp when it's easy to dump them and deal with people of stronger character instead? I don't need the drama.

Galagirl
People can cheat, but I'd say they're less likely to cheat in polyamorous relationships than in monogamous relationships. Why would they need to cheat by keeping a secret relationship when they can just ask you for permission in a non-monogamous relationship?

As a side note, cheating is wrong. I'm saying it's unrealistic to expect someone to only want you for life even if what they do and say doesn't count as cheating. You can prevent cheating, but it's going to take a ton of work. You're going to need to ensure you fulfill all of your partner's needs, but realize there's only so much you can do. Your partner can still cheat because of some needs you can't fulfill.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
That's why I became polyamorous. When I was monogamous, I wanted to prove non monogamous relationships were unnatural.
I don't resonate with this. I don't feel a need to prove anything.

I think both monogamy and poly are "natural" in the sense that people can just pick whatever suits them best.

I could be wrong but it is almost like you are out to "prove" to yourself that poly is the better way now that you changed your mind? Like maybe trying reassure yourself you made the right choice for you?

Well, if poly fits you better, I think that's great. I'm glad you feel more at ease.

Other people can figure out what suits them. They kinda have to, since nobody else can choose how they want to be FOR them.

Your partner can still cheat because of some needs you can't fulfill.

vs

Why would they need to cheat by keeping a secret relationship when they can just ask you for permission in a non-monogamous relationship?

I'm not following your train of thought there. Are you saying in monogamy the person could cheat because of some need you can't fulfill?

If so? I think the same could be said in polyamory. The partner could cheat because of some need you can't fulfill.

Some people also cheat because they enjoy the risk/thrill of the deception/being caught/not caught.

I don't think there's more or less cheating in poly than in monogamy. I think whether or not someone can keep their Word is based on their strength of character, not whatever relationship models they like to do.

You can prevent cheating, but it's going to take a ton of work.

I see you think that. But me? I don't see that as my job -- "preventing cheating." I prefer that each person be responsible for their own self and their own choices. I have no interest in "managing" some other person.

I come at it more from "I can't stop a person from cheating, but I don't have to keep hanging out with them if they do." Way less work for me.

You're going to need to ensure you fulfill all of your partner's needs, but realize there's only so much you can do.

I don't think I need to fulfill anything. I don't mind contributing to a partner's well being and meeting reasonable and rational requests. But I don't see me as being obligated to do anything.

If what I have to offer doesn't suit them? I'm ok with them breaking up with me. Not compatible, move on. Bummer, but it is not the end of the world to be broken up with.

Galagirl
 
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Marcus

Well-known member
Yes and yes. That's why I became polyamorous. When I was monogamous, I wanted to prove non monogamous relationships were unnatural. If non monogamous relationships are unnatural and unhealthy, people should stick to monogamy.

I don't understand your answer. Why is it important to you to prove that a style of romantic engagement is "natural" or "unnatural"? What is the point?

I'm not trying to be obtuse, I'm trying to understand what this agenda is that you keep pushing.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
You have got to be kidding me.

Only "natural" relationships are okay, not just for you but for people in general?

You do realise this is where bigotry stems from, right?

Word.

It's always treacherous territory to get into trying to classify a type of behavior as "unnatural". While I have seen a purely intellectual debate or two on the topic, generally speaking it is used to invalidate the way someone lives their lives; just collecting ammo to use against others.
 

Isaiah990

Member
I don't understand your answer. Why is it important to you to prove that a style of romantic engagement is "natural" or "unnatural"? What is the point?

I'm not trying to be obtuse, I'm trying to understand what this agenda is that you keep pushing.
Because some monogamous people argue non monogamous relationships are against nature and therefore should not be had. They say non monogamous relationships are unhealthy, dysfunctional, and "destroying the moral fabric of society" lol.

The other reason is because women ask "why can't men commit to one woman?" Science helps them understand why that is.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
Because some monogamous people argue non monogamous relationships are against nature and therefore should not be had. They say non monogamous relationships are unhealthy, dysfunctional, and "destroying the moral fabric of society" lol.
A lot of people say a lot of things. They're going to say those things no matter what you do, no matter how much research you find that proves them wrong. And a lot of women say a lot of things. You're never going to "help" them by showing them research that proves poly is natural. Instead of putting so much effort into trying to change the opinions of so many others, why not just focus on orbiting up with people who share your values? It's a lot easier to put on slippers than it is to carpet the world.
 
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HaloOnFire

Active member
Because some monogamous people argue non monogamous relationships are against nature and therefore should not be had. They say non monogamous relationships are unhealthy, dysfunctional, and "destroying the moral fabric of society" lol.


Well, fuck 'em if they do. I do not, nor will I, live my life according to what some random clown town thinks I should be doing. I didn't do it at age 13 when I was being preached at by religious zealots when I was in line for my first rock concert and at my advanced age, I will quite literally laugh in someone's face if they did that now.

And I am not too entirely certain as to why you are posting things like this in a forum where people subscribe to this style of living. This audience is not the one that needs "convincing". Like, we are already there, my dude. The people you are trying to reach don't post here. Are you perhaps trying to convince yourself instead and can't quite get there?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Because some monogamous people argue non monogamous relationships are against nature and therefore should not be had. They say non monogamous relationships are unhealthy, dysfunctional, and "destroying the moral fabric of society" lol.

The other reason is because women ask "why can't men commit to one woman?" Science helps them understand why that is.

Not sure these people hang out on a poly board.

If you mean people IRL? And you are trying to gather your thoughts for what to say?

I'm not sure people who haven't asked for your help and don't care to be convinced would care or appreciate the effort. You could probably pick one or two starter links to share if anyone DOES ask you, but you don't have to go deep. You might consider saving your energy.

The monogamous people who argue that non-monogamous relationships are against nature? I think they can go ahead and believe that. Because them thinking whatever doesn't prevent you from living YOUR life however it is you want.

I think the women who ask "Why can't men commit to one woman?" don't need science to understand why that is. They can figure out their own dating lives without you. They also don't stop you from living YOUR life however it is you want.

IME, when people generalize, sometimes it is more accurate specific. They say things like "Why can't men commit to one woman?" but what they might mean is "Why can't I find someone to commit to me?"

I know a lot of monogamous men and women who are committed to each other IRL. I also know men and women who are open/poly IRL -- and they have their commitments too. So I don't think either model is better than the other for "commitment." I think there can be committed monogamous people and committed open/poly people.

I suppose if you are interested in poly activism / awareness education you could get involved in things like NCSF (https://ncsfreedom.org/) if you are US based. If you live elsewhere, you might have to do a little more looking for similar organizations. Though I guess you could order their educational material related to poly to distribute at appropriate events if you decide to table/vendor.

Galagirl
 
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Isaiah990

Member
A lot of people say a lot of things. They're going to say those things no matter what you do, no matter how much research you find that proves them wrong. And a lot of women say a lot of things. You're never going to "help" them by showing them research that proves poly is natural. Instead of putting so much effort into trying to change the opinions of so many others, why not just focus on orbiting up with people who share your values? It's a lot easier to put on slippers than it is to carpet the world.
Regardless of whether people agree or not, it still helps to educate people on how the world works.
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
Regardless of whether people agree or not, it still helps to educate people on how the world works.


This does not change the fact people you think need "educating" do not post here, my dude.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
Regardless of whether people agree or not, it still helps to educate people on how the world works.
In addition to the point that this is a choir community, is your POV really the way the world works? Most people don't vibe with your choice of carpet, so your POV is not really the way the world works. Now what? You're going to set about trying to prove that your carpet choice is the right one even though 95% of the world wants something else?

Look, I'm actually monogamous and guess what? That feels natural to me. I don't struggle to be with one person, it's what I prefer. It's fulfilling and exciting to me. I don't struggle against cheating and to my knowledge, nobody has ever struggled to not cheat on me. I've had the opportunity to be in a poly relationship and while the people involved were lovely, the relationship model just doesn't speak to my heart. My heart sings when it's one on one, not because of any studies but because my heart is just that way. Same for poly people, as I see it. Poly people (or people who choose non-monogamy or however one views this) feel natural in a non-monogamous arrangement. No studies "proving" whether polyamory is natural or not will change what fulfills them. People should be in relationships with others who want the same things they want. Done. Trying to convince people that what they want is wrong or unnatural is a complete and total waste of life energy. Focus instead on creating a life that you want.
 
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