Ari's Blog - Beginning
- Thread starter Ariakas
- Start date
B is my wife
A is my gf
I tend to only blog about things causing struggles. Not the positives. Right now A's continued openness to connection, my loneliness, and my lack of community are my struggles.
B and I have been solid for a while. She has a long term partner she has been seeing that caused some time grief in the beginning but were remedied. She is also dating A. Between my awesome kiddo, autoimmune issuses, me, A and her partner, she is pretty saturated and doesn't entertain more romantic connections. (We have some challenges with how we treat money but those aren't poly problems
)
Those initials probably indicate their actual names, but it's funny that your gf comes first, alphabet-wise.
Some therapists recommend remembering to be grateful for what we do have, and not focusing on the negatives all the time. I don't know if that would help at all.
Are you happy, or are you mostly sad? Why focus here on just the sadness? I mean, it's your right, but does it help?
When I went through my long dry poly spell (of about three years) I tried to focus on what I did have and not what I didn't, and it helped with my serenity. If you're as content as can be with what you've got, I think you (general you) come off as less needy and more attractive, in the long run. To be honest, I think, previously, in my desire for sex, I settled for partners who were were barely "good enough" to date, much less really worthy of my attention and care. It's hard to admit that, but there it is.
So you and B are "solid," but she's dating your gf A, as well as another person? Plus she's busy with your child, and a job, I assume? And she has health problems that interfere with satisfying you?
You only get 4-8 hours of attention from A a week. How many hours of time do you get with B? Do you and she have sex "enough"? Do you go out on dates? I am just wondering how lonely you can be with a beloved nesting partner in your life.
It also seems that a large part of your loneliness is a result of your job where you have to be away from home for long swathes of time.
I don't mean to be intruding on your blog, but you seem to be spinning in unhappy circles.
It is funny. Our initials are MBA
To be clear (you ask this below). When these blogs started they were interactive, they were meant to be back and forth dialog but protected (so supporting without the abuse of "triads are bad" for example) I still treat this blog this way and prefer dialog. Its always helped. If you go back to my early days in this blog it was extremely interactive
Good and bad. Honestly, (and a friend called me out on this last night), I let this slip and I am working on it. I also stopped journaling, again. She also suggested yoga or something to calm my nervous system.
And yes I use this blog like a dumping ground instead of an outpouring of positivity. I guess I feel inspired to write when things are shit. haha.. maybe something I should work on.
6 of 7 days I am fine to happy as shit.
I have 1 day a week where I remember I dont have community or something is missing and I feel sad. I do think of my loneliness daily, but most days its a passing "meh" I am too busy. My loneliness isn't tied to people, to be clear. Its tied to community or lack thereof. I dont feel lonely with B and A. I feel lonely because when I see the social circles of A expanding I miss having those social circles. I dont feel that sense of community in polyamory anymore.
I have also done this. In this case, I wouldn't say it has happened. At least my heart doesnt tell me that.
As for the needy, fuck do I know it. Logically my brain knows it, but sometimes I feel like I "have to" find something. The reality is I am not actively looking. I dont have the community to wrap myself in, I dont have the online dating thing down pat at all. So I flounder.
Without community who is open to dating.. (meaning I mostly hang with monos) my pool of available people is non-existent.
My wife hasn't worked in 20 years. I was a bit of a caretaker for most of that. Kid definitely keeps her busy and historically her health problems caused a TONNE of rejection to me. My ... sex is rough and her pressure points would hyper react. I got rejected for 10 years before giving up. We have sex, its infrequent, we haven't been able to find our rhythm. Our intimacy is still touch just less sex.
And to go a bit deeper, she has committed financial adultery on me ... too many times, to the sum of.. more money than I can share. I do struggle to come back to intimacy from that. But our commitment and love remains.
So short answer, B and my relationship is "fine". Not stellar.
I spend probably 40 to 60 hours with B. Is it intimate, dedicated or like a lover. No.
We do go on dates, once a week at least. haha ok wait I take that back. We dont have consistent babysitting so dates usually includes a kid.
It is. Really plays into my fomo too. I keep missing events, parties, life stuff. This year has been really rough being away for almost 4 of the last 8 months.
You aren't and I am.
Thank you
Ok lets take this a different route. Go a bit more positive but still realistic. Likely short dailys if I remember. With weekly bigger updates.
Wife - Bats
Partner - Baby
Struggles
Wins/positives
Wife - Bats
Partner - Baby
Struggles
- Still struggling with some words. Baby is saturated and conceptually I am super confused by "I am always open to connections" this feels like it has potential to just be ongoing disruption. Is there ever peace? How do I focus on the promises of the relationship and not get buried in future potential of more people. I fucking hate relationship anarchy...
- Had a couple of days of negatively, and got a bit drunk and said words I thought were terrible. Apparently I overreact to my own words.
- Still... trying to figure out community. Trying to figure out how I am not being left behind as Baby expands her poly groups to include more polycules. (again .. always open means every human she meets is a potential person)
- She had her comet over at her place Wednesday for a date. I was overall pleased with it (no seriously, I have no issues with the date or person), since its been a couple of months, but... I haven't been able to go on a date with her to her house in almost 2 years. I felt this was a slap in the face and I am hurt by it. We are working through it, and I even visited her at her house briefly last weekend which immediately spiked my anxiety since I now realized that *I* was not welcome there. So we have this to work through.
Wins/positives
- Had a fantastic night out with my meta, Guitar and friend. Chatted about our mutual interest (we are both interested in the same woman, go figure) and our mutual partner. Really had some great chats. I do love my individual friends, I just wish I had more community. I wish I had this once a week, but again mostly introverted low spoon count person in my life. I think I need like 14 friends to keep my extrovertness flowing.
- Bats and Baby have a night planned in october to go to evanescence and halestorm, as a surprise I got them a hotel for the night
- Tonight Baby is coming over and we are getting some private time. She is sleeping over and tomorrow we go on a boat tour of vancouver cave systems. Bats is heading to her partners place for an overnight.
- Sunday the polycule is getting together for lunch at a new new orleans restaurant in the neighbourhood.
- Sunday Morning and Monday morning - I ride my bike woot
- Bats surprised me with an awesome dinner to try to perk me up. Green thai curry ..
- I have been speaking with a new person, conversations have been great and she happens to be dating my meta. She has been very forthcoming about her availability and if things continue I will likely be a comet or even less. Not super viable with my touch need. Sexually we dont quite match either so our current compatibility is weird.
- Super happy with my meta and wish we could get more time together, we align in a lot of ways and get along great.
- The new person I have been chatting with is super open and really kind. Really enjoying our interactions regardless of the upper limit
- Baby has been working hard to give me the times per week I need and some. She has committed to and wants to prove to my lizard brain that things wont change regardless of the interactions.
- I am grateful for my son who loves my people and everyone in our family, even if he doesn't quite understand "relationships" yet haha
- I am grateful for my health, regardless of some mitigating circumstances. Living past 52 day by day gets closer.
- I am grateful for the sun still being here so I can get vit-d and play outside
- I am grateful for polysecure, great workbook to process through items, while I couldn't keep myself out of a hole, it did help a bit to find my way out. The toolset is useful
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Fair. Lets name him Guitar. Actually here is the flow chart to help. Its the entire cule + one layer. I fixed the name in the above summary to help
And yes, your observation is correct. I am keeping it at arms length / friendship regardless of interest. I am not sure I could rightfully do a true comet which in the end resembles an LDR. I am cognizant of that.
Wow, so Baby has 5 partners including Comet. No wonder you don't get much time. And it sounds like she's open to however many more strike her fancy? Personally, I would not date someone who was spreading themselves that thin. I wouldn't feel connected enough or bonded enough on their scraps of time. Is she new to poly, with kid in a candy store syndrome, or has she been content with this kind of super-dating for a while?
Not the same thing, but I once dated a really nice guy who got married to his poly fiancee soon after we met. They had 5 kids between them from former marriages, partial or full custody of them. Then after he and I had had about four very interesting cool dates, his new wife got pregnant. I called it quits. I couldn't get enough time with a guy with 5 kids and a pregnant wife, or 6 kids including a newborn. He also lived about 40 minutes away in another state.
Not the same thing, but I once dated a really nice guy who got married to his poly fiancee soon after we met. They had 5 kids between them from former marriages, partial or full custody of them. Then after he and I had had about four very interesting cool dates, his new wife got pregnant. I called it quits. I couldn't get enough time with a guy with 5 kids and a pregnant wife, or 6 kids including a newborn. He also lived about 40 minutes away in another state.
Yes... and yes... and she works full time. And yes she wont close. She is absolutely not new to poly.
Thats my mental battle, and yes. I ... 3 years in and this is newly happening and its currently causing me some mental gymnastics. If this had happened in year one, I might have left. I am trapped and dont know how to ask. She isn't dating around per se, but she isn't closed off to connections. Its like we moved into an RA world, and I fucking hate RA.
It started out as stable with 3 people + Bats (casual)...
This is recent. I dont know how to ask to stop without coming across as the poly douche male. I wish I hadn't gotten so in love. This level of love... fuck... I gotta stop thinking about it. It really does hurt.
Ya thats also bonkers. Kids, especially young, are professional cock blockers ... and time suckers. I dont miss being in the house of 4 kids, 2 adult children and bats and myself.
my newest dating profile (I dont even wanna date) includes new boundaries
- If you are poly saturated in any way. Stay away. I am not interested in facilitating the hurt adding another relationship will cause.
- Not a relationship anarchist. Love isn't fluid for me. Dont waste my time or introduce the chaos it brings.
- If you are NRE hunting for any reason. Stay away. Not interested in being your dopamine hit.
- Time, this comes with negotiation
So, this started happening about a year ago, say? Like, just after NRE wore off completely? Maybe you two were initially compatible but not really long term compatible. You love her, but she does not have the same outlook to what a relationship should be or feel like. She wants to flit from flower to flower like a bee, and you'd rather be stable with just two lovers who each devote half their week to you, perhaps? (I might be projecting, because that's what I like, and what Pixi likes. Aries is still dating around, he hasn't settled on one other partner just yet, but he's newer to poly. However, I do get lots of satisfying quality time and sex galore every week, so I'm happy.)
Baby had her husband, and you, and Bats, and either Bull or Guitar? But when she added one of those guys, plus the Comet, everything went to hell?
You tell her how you feel. Use "I statements." "When I only see you 4 hours a week, I feel lonely and unsatisfied." Don't compare what you get to what the others get. Just tell her you request more time. See what she says.
If she says, "No, I can't provide that. I can't meet your desire or need for more time," the ball is in your court.
Perhaps you've already had conversations around this theme and you already know the answer, but you haven't faced the implications yet.
If your love for Baby is causing you more pain than pleasure, it might be time to move on.
Long term vision is same
Short term vision is same
She has improved her time with me, and made it more consistent.
She has never said or felt like someone flitting, but right now it feels that way
She had bull and guitar, met bats and I 2.5 years ago
just added comet. My time was depreciated for a while due to life, and then she found comet. Which felt like was found because I was busy travelling and taking care of my mom.
She responded positively. Did give me more time, its likely closer to 8 (every 3rd week its an overnight). You nailed it, I only communicate in I's and she has no concerns about giving me my boundaries.
If she is meeting my needs, then maybe I shouldn't care about numbers
*nods*
It isn't. But when I am low and my anxiety is high, it feels like a broken ratio. I would just love to get to stable
It sounds like you're saying it's an inside job-- that she does provide enough, when you're in a good headspace. But you suffer from generalized anxiety and low self esteem, and when those hit hard, you feel like she is NOT giving you enough.
Is the solution to accept what she and Bats provide, and just to work on your own mental struggles? Maybe with therapy and medications?
Is the solution to accept what she and Bats provide, and just to work on your own mental struggles? Maybe with therapy and medications?
Yes. To all of the above.
So, you get 8 hours a week of Baby's time, and how many hours of Bats' time?
Also, it seems you've said you don't have many friends, so you're dependent on both women to fulfill the friend role for you, when maybe you can't rely on them for meeting that need all the time.
In general, do you get enough sex? From reading your blog it sounds like you don't. Of course, your partners don't owe you sex. And there are often going to be libido mismatches between partners.
It sounds like you're now saying that you do get "enough" time with Baby, but in your depressive periods you overly focus on, "I get 8 hours, but all her other lovers get more hours than me! (Except for Comet.)" You tend to focus on time spent (quantity), instead of focusing on whether your needs are actually being met (quality).
"If she is meeting my needs, maybe I shouldn't care about numbers."
Yes.
And maybe partly the reason you get fewer hours on average is because you are often traveling for work. So Baby has set up a schedule for herself to "cover" for you when you're away, and that doesn't changes when you're back in town? I don't know. I'm sure she's trying to be fair to all, but in poly, fair doesn't mean equal.
Also, it seems you've said you don't have many friends, so you're dependent on both women to fulfill the friend role for you, when maybe you can't rely on them for meeting that need all the time.
In general, do you get enough sex? From reading your blog it sounds like you don't. Of course, your partners don't owe you sex. And there are often going to be libido mismatches between partners.
It sounds like you're now saying that you do get "enough" time with Baby, but in your depressive periods you overly focus on, "I get 8 hours, but all her other lovers get more hours than me! (Except for Comet.)" You tend to focus on time spent (quantity), instead of focusing on whether your needs are actually being met (quality).
"If she is meeting my needs, maybe I shouldn't care about numbers."
Yes.
And maybe partly the reason you get fewer hours on average is because you are often traveling for work. So Baby has set up a schedule for herself to "cover" for you when you're away, and that doesn't changes when you're back in town? I don't know. I'm sure she's trying to be fair to all, but in poly, fair doesn't mean equal.