Ari's Blog - Beginning

Well as the saying goes, "Knowledge is power," ;)
 
I'm glad you have a professional to work through these things with. I think I have secure attachment, or perhaps I just figure if anyone's going to do the leaving, it will be me, again when the relationship is no longer working. I've had relationships I should have left sooner than I did, especially when I was monogamous: one where I was being controlled, one where he had lost all interest in sex with me after the NRE wore off. With being poly, I'm more likely to stay in a relationship longer, even if it doesn't have sex regularly, or if I don't want to talk to that person every night. I can deescalate relationships but still love that person.

But I hear you don't want to deescalate your relationships, and you are afraid that your GF especially is going to deescalate your relationship because of the new shiny. And that will lead you to disconnect. And stop loving her. And perhaps stopping loving her is scary because you might not find someone else to love, and you've likely still got a lot of love to give, and want to be loved. I may be way off the mark here, but these are a few thoughts you could discuss with your counsellor.
 
I'm glad you have a professional to work through these things with. I think I have secure attachment, or perhaps I just figure if anyone's going to do the leaving, it will be me, again when the relationship is no longer working. I've had relationships I should have left sooner than I did, especially when I was monogamous: one where I was being controlled, one where he had lost all interest in sex with me after the NRE wore off. With being poly, I'm more likely to stay in a relationship longer, even if it doesn't have sex regularly, or if I don't want to talk to that person every night. I can deescalate relationships but still love that person.

But I hear you don't want to deescalate your relationships, and you are afraid that your GF especially is going to deescalate your relationship because of the new shiny. And that will lead you to disconnect. And stop loving her. And perhaps stopping loving her is scary because you might not find someone else to love, and you've likely still got a lot of love to give, and want to be loved. I may be way off the mark here, but these are a few thoughts you could discuss with your counsellor.
succinct. :)
 
Today, things are in a good space. I am in a good space. Worked through quite a bit on my own and with counsellor. Really appreciate all who have helped and watched my rants ;)

Had a fantastic date evening on Monday with my gf. Took her up a tall mountain in my SUV, got some great pictures and had lot of great conversations. We were then supposed to go to a remote lake, but an injury from my crash earlier in day the spiked hard core and my neck started spasming badly. So we came home and had dinner. The conversation as always flowed, we are always so open with each other. We talked about my challenges and the work I am doing. Feeling safe to be vulnerable is a weird spot for me. However she really encourages this, and thrives on it.

I met her as I was processing a breakup and kid stuff with an ex. I met her completely exposing myself to her. I guess in some ways I forgot that.

I also challenged myself... and asked her about her new "whatever he is". My low self esteem causes me to view other people with grandiosity. That grandiosity puts me in a lower position, which becomes this circle jerk of my self esteem against my view of their grandiosity. So I was hoping learning about him and pushing through that discomfort would allow me to be lifted. Humanize this person who I assume its just plain better, bigger dick, smarter etc. I am not looking to belittle him, I dont want that, but I wanted to humanize him. That trick, to remove the grandiosity, worked. Humanizing him made me see this as a different situation. If I can maintain a level of "I am equal".. then that is something.

To add to that, we were chilling out, I had to put some medical cream on my shoulders (one of my best assets) and unbuttoned my shirt. The look she gave me, the raw hunger. Being wanted like that felt good. I am always the ravenous one, nice to see that look for me, from her.

We also discussed at length our current status... how we both feel like our love is no longer reflective in bf / gf phrasing. Due to the emotional support she offers and I offer her, I was willing to use the word partner. (I have strict weird rules around "Partner".. I dont use it with all who I date since a partner ... formal business phrasing. It hits differently for me). Even talking through our next stage of commitment and what that looks like. I have never felt comfortable with those discussions, this one feels different.

I think, and hopefully this lasts, I am comfortable in our relationship again. Confident in her time commit to me, confident in her desire for me, and currently have dropped some of the weird neediness I was suffering with for the last 3 weeks. Been a very strange time and very counter to who I am. I know I still have work to do on my self esteem, I am not done, but right now. Feel okee dokee.
 
Sounds like things have improved a lot. That's good to hear.
 
The great
Unbelievable weekend with both my loves. B my wife, A my gf and I went to the island with my kiddo. Good family get away. Spent the day exploring Seschelt / Gibsons. Went to multiple breweries, distilleries and really just enjoyed the drive and talking. One of the things in our corner is amazing sense of intelligence and communication, and incredible attraction.

Started the trip picking up A and heading to ferry. On the ferry it felt like family, like it always does. Masks down and just open joy. Even some great pictures as we got some needed time away from the world. When we are together like this it has this incredibly private feeling. Truly special with lots of love. My kid truly enjoys this time too (although he gets bored)

This trip felt like a continuation of our trip Monday, A kept teasing me, knowing I couldn't do much besides growl and try to tease back. While I know I can turn her and beth on, no matter how big a top I am, I am rarely in control until the time is right.

Found some amazing distilleries and ate some incredible food. At dinner A and B dressed sexy and basically broke my brain. I was just plain done, I had no blood left to form sentences. Interesting feeling, the result was.. intense and left me shuttering for about an hour after we were done.

Honestly a day of joy, pleasure and time. Love and sin in a 12 hour period. I love my life some days.

Sunday was even better with time exploring the area, had some private time with both women, played some soccer with my kid, but honestly we were all exhausted, spent and by noon, ready to leave.

Fantastic book end to a great week. I feel loved, wanted, desired

What happened between monday and saturday
Now my brain. Friday night I was super nervous, waiting for the shoe to drop, ramped up all week. Me thinking my vulnerability and struggles would cause this weekend to be a breakup weekend. I have history with my travel causing breakups. I had also had a frank conversation with A thursday. I RARELY (never) lose my temper or show frustration. She was pushing me, trying to get me to expose my needs, my needs, fascinating thinking. I never express my needs (outside me being a top in a bedroom).

So.. I expressed... I feel like I am fist fighting for scraps of time. My time with her is always at the whim of her other cule, they get whatever day they need friday/sat, I get the left over day and almost NEVER get overnight. There are times I get overnight, if I push hard.. but its rare. So I usually get 4 to 6 hours, left over on a saturday post her other bf, which btw means my son is around.

I think this odd limitation came to a head, and I realized I wasn't getting the time I needed to feel secure. The sleep over to feel secure. The sex to feel secure. She has to evaluate but she expects she may need to start alternating weeks on and off with her other bf, so that she isn't sleeping from home 2 days in a room and is able to get me time.

I also committed to trying to visit her more often, not that it will result in sexy times, but I avoid driving to vancouver like the plague (I hate.. hate hate, driving in vancouver, its a fucking terrible place to have a car) but I know I also need to do my part to see her.

Unsure if this will result in anything, but I sure hope I can get some more consistency, side note, this consistency is needed for her and my wife to get together to, their relationship has almost 0 needs, but they do want their time. I envy their freedom with no label, but cant do it myself.

Some other notes
  • I have some travel over the next 6 weeks. Almsot every breakup I have had is because/due/during travel... trying not to wait for shoe to drop but its tough at times.
  • There are two poly events, one right before I travel so I might lose time with my partner, and one while I am away. Total fomo panic happening.
  • I REALLY struggle with loneliness, this is a newish finding, but, as an example. Wife has a bf, gf, has 4 folks total (with a casual 5th). Both feel like they are always texting and messaging someone, while, when I am with the two of them, I dont have someone to message. I realize, even though I am the only fucking extrovert in my entire cule/group etc... I am the only one who doesn't have a broad group to message. Cost of being a genx, or my aversion to messaging in short form. Either way, feeling lonely in a room with two people I love, is difficult.
  • Going to start playing with the obedience app again. Should be fun, I dont like the dom side of topping, but willing to try some risk reward stuff.
  • Been really working the therapy stuff, trying to get to the root of my anxiety, A has been incredible trying to calm me, and tell me I am safe and secure, I just need to start believing it. She offered to join a session if the therapist will allow it... A is amazing and golly I would Marry her if I could. haha
Well thats it for last week, wanted to keep posting even though things are rolling more positively. Hopefully with my travel I can remain calm and even.
 
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I posted this in fetlife. Its something I think on often, loneliness. I dont align that to a gender, since I can only speak to my experiences. But of late, I have noticed myself feeling lonely, so these are my thoughts.

Someone had posted men feel lonely because of post school friend drift, which was partially right and insightful. But it still misses the point for me.

_______________
Interesting thought. Likely not entirely wrong but also partially tied (in my experience) to realizing not every friend matches you. I will use me as an example

Athlete/Jock/Sporty
Left leaning with fiscal conservativeness (canadian we play in the middle)
Poly
Straight
Mountain Biker
I dont really play video games (I do for time with my gf)
I REALLY dislike socializing over board games (as soon as I turned 16 and found girls, I couldn't justify playing a boardgame over sex)
Not a burner
Computer Geek
Executive
I love to debate
Kinky

Finding people, who moderately, enjoy all of those things (and more) and or can co-exist without judgement and can actually communicate differences is tough. Add to that a relational community that leans heavily into the things I dont like. It is difficult to make true connections. (I wont even go into men in poly)

In school, people (I drop the gender) bond over something singular. Sports, books, music whatever it is, As we get older, true bonding over one aspect completely breaks down. Even some of the things I write up there, cause divisiveness and judgement.

All I can do is be me. I am lucky I have a core group who accept me, but expanding that group isn't easy. I have other friends who bond over 2 or 3 things for sure, but the whole gamut AND not be judgmental/divisive, that becomes few and far between. Hence, I dont have a crap load of "friends", lots of acquaintances over singular items. In fact I am picky with the word friend. So there is that too.

The feeling of loneliness comes from being an extrovert in a room of people who will only like one piece of you and likely dislike (or hate) greatly others. THAT'S when I feel the most lonely. Room of mountain bikers who wouldn't understand poly, room of poly people who dont relate to you because you dont boardgame, or play vids or prefer going really fast down mountains. etc etc

I dont think (and I could be wrong) that this is a male problem. I do think its more complicated over friendship drift :) (which absolutely plays a part, being the guy who left my home town to escape the sinkhole of the area)
____________________
 
As I think through loneliness, I have been pondering.... I am an extrovert, I am generally fine with spending some time alone in reasonable doses (I can be a lone wolf), but I thrive in person, in group settings. I can be myself and express and intuit and read people. My element is with people. As my gf says, I walk into a room and people pay attention.

I am dating two women who rightfully spend time with others, rightfully allot time to others, but both aren't always "present" when they are with me (fucking cell phones). So even when I am with people I am lonely sometimes.

I am currently struggling with going to the poly meetups since,... I am not ready to confront the above in person. I also dont want to put anyone in an awkward state (my gf having to support me if I faulter). Plus with upcoming travel I am auto excluded from 2 poly parties (there will be more).. but only when the weather is good.

The poly world seems inherently online, all introverts, all great at wanting to and communicate online only.

So ... I am alone more than I inherently like. I am lonelier than I have ever been.. Its interesting, I dont honestly believe I have ever been lonely. Not once in my life. Until now.

Then I turn to my list above, briefly written but accurate for me.

How do I meet people (if the meetups are fucked, and I fucking hate dating apps as a male)
What do I want, do I want people to just chat to, do I want people to flirt with. Do I really want and have time for another relationship of any kind.
How do I stop being lonely in a land of online communication

I dont want to walk into any relationship filling a gap, meaning I dont want to be that person who builds a rolladex just to find people to fill timeslots

There is so much I dont understand, dont have the patience for and just fucking hate about this new age...

In the old days, I truly enjoyed being an extrovert, it was useful, it served a purpose. I thrived.. god I miss just talking to people in a bar and it working out. fuck

Being an extrovert has created an interesting challenge, forced to be an introvert.. and now lonely... *sigh*
 
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