Ari's Blog - Beginning
- Thread starter Ariakas
- Start date
Knowing is half the battleWell as the saying goes, "Knowledge is power,"
I'm glad you have a professional to work through these things with. I think I have secure attachment, or perhaps I just figure if anyone's going to do the leaving, it will be me, again when the relationship is no longer working. I've had relationships I should have left sooner than I did, especially when I was monogamous: one where I was being controlled, one where he had lost all interest in sex with me after the NRE wore off. With being poly, I'm more likely to stay in a relationship longer, even if it doesn't have sex regularly, or if I don't want to talk to that person every night. I can deescalate relationships but still love that person.
But I hear you don't want to deescalate your relationships, and you are afraid that your GF especially is going to deescalate your relationship because of the new shiny. And that will lead you to disconnect. And stop loving her. And perhaps stopping loving her is scary because you might not find someone else to love, and you've likely still got a lot of love to give, and want to be loved. I may be way off the mark here, but these are a few thoughts you could discuss with your counsellor.
But I hear you don't want to deescalate your relationships, and you are afraid that your GF especially is going to deescalate your relationship because of the new shiny. And that will lead you to disconnect. And stop loving her. And perhaps stopping loving her is scary because you might not find someone else to love, and you've likely still got a lot of love to give, and want to be loved. I may be way off the mark here, but these are a few thoughts you could discuss with your counsellor.
succinct.
Today, things are in a good space. I am in a good space. Worked through quite a bit on my own and with counsellor. Really appreciate all who have helped and watched my rants
Had a fantastic date evening on Monday with my gf. Took her up a tall mountain in my SUV, got some great pictures and had lot of great conversations. We were then supposed to go to a remote lake, but an injury from my crash earlier in day the spiked hard core and my neck started spasming badly. So we came home and had dinner. The conversation as always flowed, we are always so open with each other. We talked about my challenges and the work I am doing. Feeling safe to be vulnerable is a weird spot for me. However she really encourages this, and thrives on it.
I met her as I was processing a breakup and kid stuff with an ex. I met her completely exposing myself to her. I guess in some ways I forgot that.
I also challenged myself... and asked her about her new "whatever he is". My low self esteem causes me to view other people with grandiosity. That grandiosity puts me in a lower position, which becomes this circle jerk of my self esteem against my view of their grandiosity. So I was hoping learning about him and pushing through that discomfort would allow me to be lifted. Humanize this person who I assume its just plain better, bigger dick, smarter etc. I am not looking to belittle him, I dont want that, but I wanted to humanize him. That trick, to remove the grandiosity, worked. Humanizing him made me see this as a different situation. If I can maintain a level of "I am equal".. then that is something.
To add to that, we were chilling out, I had to put some medical cream on my shoulders (one of my best assets) and unbuttoned my shirt. The look she gave me, the raw hunger. Being wanted like that felt good. I am always the ravenous one, nice to see that look for me, from her.
We also discussed at length our current status... how we both feel like our love is no longer reflective in bf / gf phrasing. Due to the emotional support she offers and I offer her, I was willing to use the word partner. (I have strict weird rules around "Partner".. I dont use it with all who I date since a partner ... formal business phrasing. It hits differently for me). Even talking through our next stage of commitment and what that looks like. I have never felt comfortable with those discussions, this one feels different.
I think, and hopefully this lasts, I am comfortable in our relationship again. Confident in her time commit to me, confident in her desire for me, and currently have dropped some of the weird neediness I was suffering with for the last 3 weeks. Been a very strange time and very counter to who I am. I know I still have work to do on my self esteem, I am not done, but right now. Feel okee dokee.
Had a fantastic date evening on Monday with my gf. Took her up a tall mountain in my SUV, got some great pictures and had lot of great conversations. We were then supposed to go to a remote lake, but an injury from my crash earlier in day the spiked hard core and my neck started spasming badly. So we came home and had dinner. The conversation as always flowed, we are always so open with each other. We talked about my challenges and the work I am doing. Feeling safe to be vulnerable is a weird spot for me. However she really encourages this, and thrives on it.
I met her as I was processing a breakup and kid stuff with an ex. I met her completely exposing myself to her. I guess in some ways I forgot that.
I also challenged myself... and asked her about her new "whatever he is". My low self esteem causes me to view other people with grandiosity. That grandiosity puts me in a lower position, which becomes this circle jerk of my self esteem against my view of their grandiosity. So I was hoping learning about him and pushing through that discomfort would allow me to be lifted. Humanize this person who I assume its just plain better, bigger dick, smarter etc. I am not looking to belittle him, I dont want that, but I wanted to humanize him. That trick, to remove the grandiosity, worked. Humanizing him made me see this as a different situation. If I can maintain a level of "I am equal".. then that is something.
To add to that, we were chilling out, I had to put some medical cream on my shoulders (one of my best assets) and unbuttoned my shirt. The look she gave me, the raw hunger. Being wanted like that felt good. I am always the ravenous one, nice to see that look for me, from her.
We also discussed at length our current status... how we both feel like our love is no longer reflective in bf / gf phrasing. Due to the emotional support she offers and I offer her, I was willing to use the word partner. (I have strict weird rules around "Partner".. I dont use it with all who I date since a partner ... formal business phrasing. It hits differently for me). Even talking through our next stage of commitment and what that looks like. I have never felt comfortable with those discussions, this one feels different.
I think, and hopefully this lasts, I am comfortable in our relationship again. Confident in her time commit to me, confident in her desire for me, and currently have dropped some of the weird neediness I was suffering with for the last 3 weeks. Been a very strange time and very counter to who I am. I know I still have work to do on my self esteem, I am not done, but right now. Feel okee dokee.
The great
Unbelievable weekend with both my loves. B my wife, A my gf and I went to the island with my kiddo. Good family get away. Spent the day exploring Seschelt / Gibsons. Went to multiple breweries, distilleries and really just enjoyed the drive and talking. One of the things in our corner is amazing sense of intelligence and communication, and incredible attraction.
Started the trip picking up A and heading to ferry. On the ferry it felt like family, like it always does. Masks down and just open joy. Even some great pictures as we got some needed time away from the world. When we are together like this it has this incredibly private feeling. Truly special with lots of love. My kid truly enjoys this time too (although he gets bored)
This trip felt like a continuation of our trip Monday, A kept teasing me, knowing I couldn't do much besides growl and try to tease back. While I know I can turn her and beth on, no matter how big a top I am, I am rarely in control until the time is right.
Found some amazing distilleries and ate some incredible food. At dinner A and B dressed sexy and basically broke my brain. I was just plain done, I had no blood left to form sentences. Interesting feeling, the result was.. intense and left me shuttering for about an hour after we were done.
Honestly a day of joy, pleasure and time. Love and sin in a 12 hour period. I love my life some days.
Sunday was even better with time exploring the area, had some private time with both women, played some soccer with my kid, but honestly we were all exhausted, spent and by noon, ready to leave.
Fantastic book end to a great week. I feel loved, wanted, desired
What happened between monday and saturday
Now my brain. Friday night I was super nervous, waiting for the shoe to drop, ramped up all week. Me thinking my vulnerability and struggles would cause this weekend to be a breakup weekend. I have history with my travel causing breakups. I had also had a frank conversation with A thursday. I RARELY (never) lose my temper or show frustration. She was pushing me, trying to get me to expose my needs, my needs, fascinating thinking. I never express my needs (outside me being a top in a bedroom).
So.. I expressed... I feel like I am fist fighting for scraps of time. My time with her is always at the whim of her other cule, they get whatever day they need friday/sat, I get the left over day and almost NEVER get overnight. There are times I get overnight, if I push hard.. but its rare. So I usually get 4 to 6 hours, left over on a saturday post her other bf, which btw means my son is around.
I think this odd limitation came to a head, and I realized I wasn't getting the time I needed to feel secure. The sleep over to feel secure. The sex to feel secure. She has to evaluate but she expects she may need to start alternating weeks on and off with her other bf, so that she isn't sleeping from home 2 days in a room and is able to get me time.
I also committed to trying to visit her more often, not that it will result in sexy times, but I avoid driving to vancouver like the plague (I hate.. hate hate, driving in vancouver, its a fucking terrible place to have a car) but I know I also need to do my part to see her.
Unsure if this will result in anything, but I sure hope I can get some more consistency, side note, this consistency is needed for her and my wife to get together to, their relationship has almost 0 needs, but they do want their time. I envy their freedom with no label, but cant do it myself.
Some other notes
Unbelievable weekend with both my loves. B my wife, A my gf and I went to the island with my kiddo. Good family get away. Spent the day exploring Seschelt / Gibsons. Went to multiple breweries, distilleries and really just enjoyed the drive and talking. One of the things in our corner is amazing sense of intelligence and communication, and incredible attraction.
Started the trip picking up A and heading to ferry. On the ferry it felt like family, like it always does. Masks down and just open joy. Even some great pictures as we got some needed time away from the world. When we are together like this it has this incredibly private feeling. Truly special with lots of love. My kid truly enjoys this time too (although he gets bored)
This trip felt like a continuation of our trip Monday, A kept teasing me, knowing I couldn't do much besides growl and try to tease back. While I know I can turn her and beth on, no matter how big a top I am, I am rarely in control until the time is right.
Found some amazing distilleries and ate some incredible food. At dinner A and B dressed sexy and basically broke my brain. I was just plain done, I had no blood left to form sentences. Interesting feeling, the result was.. intense and left me shuttering for about an hour after we were done.
Honestly a day of joy, pleasure and time. Love and sin in a 12 hour period. I love my life some days.
Sunday was even better with time exploring the area, had some private time with both women, played some soccer with my kid, but honestly we were all exhausted, spent and by noon, ready to leave.
Fantastic book end to a great week. I feel loved, wanted, desired
What happened between monday and saturday
Now my brain. Friday night I was super nervous, waiting for the shoe to drop, ramped up all week. Me thinking my vulnerability and struggles would cause this weekend to be a breakup weekend. I have history with my travel causing breakups. I had also had a frank conversation with A thursday. I RARELY (never) lose my temper or show frustration. She was pushing me, trying to get me to expose my needs, my needs, fascinating thinking. I never express my needs (outside me being a top in a bedroom).
So.. I expressed... I feel like I am fist fighting for scraps of time. My time with her is always at the whim of her other cule, they get whatever day they need friday/sat, I get the left over day and almost NEVER get overnight. There are times I get overnight, if I push hard.. but its rare. So I usually get 4 to 6 hours, left over on a saturday post her other bf, which btw means my son is around.
I think this odd limitation came to a head, and I realized I wasn't getting the time I needed to feel secure. The sleep over to feel secure. The sex to feel secure. She has to evaluate but she expects she may need to start alternating weeks on and off with her other bf, so that she isn't sleeping from home 2 days in a room and is able to get me time.
I also committed to trying to visit her more often, not that it will result in sexy times, but I avoid driving to vancouver like the plague (I hate.. hate hate, driving in vancouver, its a fucking terrible place to have a car) but I know I also need to do my part to see her.
Unsure if this will result in anything, but I sure hope I can get some more consistency, side note, this consistency is needed for her and my wife to get together to, their relationship has almost 0 needs, but they do want their time. I envy their freedom with no label, but cant do it myself.
Some other notes
- I have some travel over the next 6 weeks. Almsot every breakup I have had is because/due/during travel... trying not to wait for shoe to drop but its tough at times.
- There are two poly events, one right before I travel so I might lose time with my partner, and one while I am away. Total fomo panic happening.
- I REALLY struggle with loneliness, this is a newish finding, but, as an example. Wife has a bf, gf, has 4 folks total (with a casual 5th). Both feel like they are always texting and messaging someone, while, when I am with the two of them, I dont have someone to message. I realize, even though I am the only fucking extrovert in my entire cule/group etc... I am the only one who doesn't have a broad group to message. Cost of being a genx, or my aversion to messaging in short form. Either way, feeling lonely in a room with two people I love, is difficult.
- Going to start playing with the obedience app again. Should be fun, I dont like the dom side of topping, but willing to try some risk reward stuff.
- Been really working the therapy stuff, trying to get to the root of my anxiety, A has been incredible trying to calm me, and tell me I am safe and secure, I just need to start believing it. She offered to join a session if the therapist will allow it... A is amazing and golly I would Marry her if I could. haha
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I posted this in fetlife. Its something I think on often, loneliness. I dont align that to a gender, since I can only speak to my experiences. But of late, I have noticed myself feeling lonely, so these are my thoughts.
Someone had posted men feel lonely because of post school friend drift, which was partially right and insightful. But it still misses the point for me.
_______________
Interesting thought. Likely not entirely wrong but also partially tied (in my experience) to realizing not every friend matches you. I will use me as an example
Athlete/Jock/Sporty
Left leaning with fiscal conservativeness (canadian we play in the middle)
Poly
Straight
Mountain Biker
I dont really play video games (I do for time with my gf)
I REALLY dislike socializing over board games (as soon as I turned 16 and found girls, I couldn't justify playing a boardgame over sex)
Not a burner
Computer Geek
Executive
I love to debate
Kinky
Finding people, who moderately, enjoy all of those things (and more) and or can co-exist without judgement and can actually communicate differences is tough. Add to that a relational community that leans heavily into the things I dont like. It is difficult to make true connections. (I wont even go into men in poly)
In school, people (I drop the gender) bond over something singular. Sports, books, music whatever it is, As we get older, true bonding over one aspect completely breaks down. Even some of the things I write up there, cause divisiveness and judgement.
All I can do is be me. I am lucky I have a core group who accept me, but expanding that group isn't easy. I have other friends who bond over 2 or 3 things for sure, but the whole gamut AND not be judgmental/divisive, that becomes few and far between. Hence, I dont have a crap load of "friends", lots of acquaintances over singular items. In fact I am picky with the word friend. So there is that too.
The feeling of loneliness comes from being an extrovert in a room of people who will only like one piece of you and likely dislike (or hate) greatly others. THAT'S when I feel the most lonely. Room of mountain bikers who wouldn't understand poly, room of poly people who dont relate to you because you dont boardgame, or play vids or prefer going really fast down mountains. etc etc
I dont think (and I could be wrong) that this is a male problem. I do think its more complicated over friendship drift (which absolutely plays a part, being the guy who left my home town to escape the sinkhole of the area)
____________________
Someone had posted men feel lonely because of post school friend drift, which was partially right and insightful. But it still misses the point for me.
_______________
Interesting thought. Likely not entirely wrong but also partially tied (in my experience) to realizing not every friend matches you. I will use me as an example
Athlete/Jock/Sporty
Left leaning with fiscal conservativeness (canadian we play in the middle)
Poly
Straight
Mountain Biker
I dont really play video games (I do for time with my gf)
I REALLY dislike socializing over board games (as soon as I turned 16 and found girls, I couldn't justify playing a boardgame over sex)
Not a burner
Computer Geek
Executive
I love to debate
Kinky
Finding people, who moderately, enjoy all of those things (and more) and or can co-exist without judgement and can actually communicate differences is tough. Add to that a relational community that leans heavily into the things I dont like. It is difficult to make true connections. (I wont even go into men in poly)
In school, people (I drop the gender) bond over something singular. Sports, books, music whatever it is, As we get older, true bonding over one aspect completely breaks down. Even some of the things I write up there, cause divisiveness and judgement.
All I can do is be me. I am lucky I have a core group who accept me, but expanding that group isn't easy. I have other friends who bond over 2 or 3 things for sure, but the whole gamut AND not be judgmental/divisive, that becomes few and far between. Hence, I dont have a crap load of "friends", lots of acquaintances over singular items. In fact I am picky with the word friend. So there is that too.
The feeling of loneliness comes from being an extrovert in a room of people who will only like one piece of you and likely dislike (or hate) greatly others. THAT'S when I feel the most lonely. Room of mountain bikers who wouldn't understand poly, room of poly people who dont relate to you because you dont boardgame, or play vids or prefer going really fast down mountains. etc etc
I dont think (and I could be wrong) that this is a male problem. I do think its more complicated over friendship drift
(which absolutely plays a part, being the guy who left my home town to escape the sinkhole of the area)____________________
As I think through loneliness, I have been pondering.... I am an extrovert, I am generally fine with spending some time alone in reasonable doses (I can be a lone wolf), but I thrive in person, in group settings. I can be myself and express and intuit and read people. My element is with people. As my gf says, I walk into a room and people pay attention.
I am dating two women who rightfully spend time with others, rightfully allot time to others, but both aren't always "present" when they are with me (fucking cell phones). So even when I am with people I am lonely sometimes.
I am currently struggling with going to the poly meetups since,... I am not ready to confront the above in person. I also dont want to put anyone in an awkward state (my gf having to support me if I faulter). Plus with upcoming travel I am auto excluded from 2 poly parties (there will be more).. but only when the weather is good.
The poly world seems inherently online, all introverts, all great at wanting to and communicate online only.
So ... I am alone more than I inherently like. I am lonelier than I have ever been.. Its interesting, I dont honestly believe I have ever been lonely. Not once in my life. Until now.
Then I turn to my list above, briefly written but accurate for me.
How do I meet people (if the meetups are fucked, and I fucking hate dating apps as a male)
What do I want, do I want people to just chat to, do I want people to flirt with. Do I really want and have time for another relationship of any kind.
How do I stop being lonely in a land of online communication
I dont want to walk into any relationship filling a gap, meaning I dont want to be that person who builds a rolladex just to find people to fill timeslots
There is so much I dont understand, dont have the patience for and just fucking hate about this new age...
In the old days, I truly enjoyed being an extrovert, it was useful, it served a purpose. I thrived.. god I miss just talking to people in a bar and it working out. fuck
Being an extrovert has created an interesting challenge, forced to be an introvert.. and now lonely... *sigh*
I am dating two women who rightfully spend time with others, rightfully allot time to others, but both aren't always "present" when they are with me (fucking cell phones). So even when I am with people I am lonely sometimes.
I am currently struggling with going to the poly meetups since,... I am not ready to confront the above in person. I also dont want to put anyone in an awkward state (my gf having to support me if I faulter). Plus with upcoming travel I am auto excluded from 2 poly parties (there will be more).. but only when the weather is good.
The poly world seems inherently online, all introverts, all great at wanting to and communicate online only.
So ... I am alone more than I inherently like. I am lonelier than I have ever been.. Its interesting, I dont honestly believe I have ever been lonely. Not once in my life. Until now.
Then I turn to my list above, briefly written but accurate for me.
How do I meet people (if the meetups are fucked, and I fucking hate dating apps as a male)
What do I want, do I want people to just chat to, do I want people to flirt with. Do I really want and have time for another relationship of any kind.
How do I stop being lonely in a land of online communication
I dont want to walk into any relationship filling a gap, meaning I dont want to be that person who builds a rolladex just to find people to fill timeslots
There is so much I dont understand, dont have the patience for and just fucking hate about this new age...
In the old days, I truly enjoyed being an extrovert, it was useful, it served a purpose. I thrived.. god I miss just talking to people in a bar and it working out. fuck
Being an extrovert has created an interesting challenge, forced to be an introvert.. and now lonely... *sigh*
Travel week started out rough. Shattered tooth yesterday in my sleep and emergency fix. Had to delay flight to this morning.
Now heading to Utah a day late but still going to get some good work done.
Had plans last Sunday to have with A and it was great. Enjoyable however she was too sick for any serious fun stuff (I had "plans" haha) This seems to happen when she visits sunday's (likely a weekend wearing herself out).
Also had plans with my partner A this upcoming Friday for Deadpool, my way to reconnect with her post travel. Just died on a vine. It's her anniversary (3rd time she has forgotten other plans) so the date was cancelled (totally understandable). She is going to dinner with her hubby. Saturday will be for her other bf which means I might get a couple of hours Sunday.
Anyways things have mostly settled.. had a moment on the weekend of total loneliness... Both partners out and me at home with kiddo.. slowly finding out all my root causes and dealing with them. I will say being an extrovert in a world of introverts can be fucking brutal haha I can party every night and be completely happy.
Also bit the proverbial bullet and reached out to someone I gave been interested in getting to know for a while so we started chatting. It's not even friend stage but happy I took the initiative. Wins
Onwards
Now heading to Utah a day late but still going to get some good work done.
Had plans last Sunday to have with A and it was great. Enjoyable however she was too sick for any serious fun stuff (I had "plans" haha) This seems to happen when she visits sunday's (likely a weekend wearing herself out).
Also had plans with my partner A this upcoming Friday for Deadpool, my way to reconnect with her post travel. Just died on a vine. It's her anniversary (3rd time she has forgotten other plans) so the date was cancelled (totally understandable). She is going to dinner with her hubby. Saturday will be for her other bf which means I might get a couple of hours Sunday.
Anyways things have mostly settled.. had a moment on the weekend of total loneliness... Both partners out and me at home with kiddo.. slowly finding out all my root causes and dealing with them. I will say being an extrovert in a world of introverts can be fucking brutal haha I can party every night and be completely happy.
Also bit the proverbial bullet and reached out to someone I gave been interested in getting to know for a while so we started chatting. It's not even friend stage but happy I took the initiative. Wins
Onwards
Thank you
Weekly update.
Chat didn't go anywhere, it was good while we were chatting but it dropped off. *shrugs*
As for the rest. This weekend was my partner A's 10th anniversary, so she had a couple of big nights out with her hubby. Sat we spent the day together as a group first at a soccer game, then dinner. My wife and I took my kid home. They continued out their night out. In theory we had a dinner Sunday planner (A and I) to make up for some lost time during the week because of all sorts of reasons.
I feel like I get cancelled on, reduced, or time minimized more often then I like.
What I assumed would happen did. She got sick (rich foods and alcohol seem to upset her tummy, so she ends up in a couple of days recovery), and we agreed to raincheck. Hopefully she is feeling better today. This is around the 6th week in a row where her playing with other partners (eating and drinking) has left her a little to majorly sick for me.... *sigh* starting to get a complex.
This week my wife leaves on Tuesday to go back home, a week ahead of me. The plan is to spend Thursday night, and then sunday/monday together. I am ... becoming concerned I will lose my time. Trying not to catastrophize. 8 days alone... REALLY not looking forward to this (and please, no introverts telling me its an oppo to be comfortable with myself, I am.. I just love socializing, I thrive and it excites me. Being alone is fine in spurts after I have had my fun)
________
Other notes, I have been thinking more on my loneliness. To summarize. In my communities I am kind of an outsider looking in, my ability to always maintain my own opinions and keep myself true to myself has ended up leaving me without a community I match with. Monos, Mountain bikers, Poly people, swingers etc.. I dont align with folks and am struggling to have people in my life to be social with. Heck even my sleeping patterns are opposite everyone elses. I am a morning person and exceedingly active. This community is mostly night owls who game. Fuuucck
The flip to this, is my total lack of courage to engage with new people.
Maybe this is why I have been over reacting to so many things, maybe its the fear of being alone and.. left behind.
______
Well... hopefully I get the dates that are planned this week, I could really use some intimate time before I leave for 3 weeks. Without that connection,... damn...
Chat didn't go anywhere, it was good while we were chatting but it dropped off. *shrugs*
As for the rest. This weekend was my partner A's 10th anniversary, so she had a couple of big nights out with her hubby. Sat we spent the day together as a group first at a soccer game, then dinner. My wife and I took my kid home. They continued out their night out. In theory we had a dinner Sunday planner (A and I) to make up for some lost time during the week because of all sorts of reasons.
I feel like I get cancelled on, reduced, or time minimized more often then I like.
What I assumed would happen did. She got sick (rich foods and alcohol seem to upset her tummy, so she ends up in a couple of days recovery), and we agreed to raincheck. Hopefully she is feeling better today. This is around the 6th week in a row where her playing with other partners (eating and drinking) has left her a little to majorly sick for me.... *sigh* starting to get a complex.
This week my wife leaves on Tuesday to go back home, a week ahead of me. The plan is to spend Thursday night, and then sunday/monday together. I am ... becoming concerned I will lose my time. Trying not to catastrophize. 8 days alone... REALLY not looking forward to this (and please, no introverts telling me its an oppo to be comfortable with myself, I am.. I just love socializing, I thrive and it excites me. Being alone is fine in spurts after I have had my fun)
________
Other notes, I have been thinking more on my loneliness. To summarize. In my communities I am kind of an outsider looking in, my ability to always maintain my own opinions and keep myself true to myself has ended up leaving me without a community I match with. Monos, Mountain bikers, Poly people, swingers etc.. I dont align with folks and am struggling to have people in my life to be social with. Heck even my sleeping patterns are opposite everyone elses. I am a morning person and exceedingly active. This community is mostly night owls who game. Fuuucck
The flip to this, is my total lack of courage to engage with new people.
Maybe this is why I have been over reacting to so many things, maybe its the fear of being alone and.. left behind.
______
Well... hopefully I get the dates that are planned this week, I could really use some intimate time before I leave for 3 weeks. Without that connection,... damn...
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Its a concern, to be fair she is trying to give me more time. We have also talked a lot about time commit to me as well. But it hasn't been working out (insert any number of reasons). She also likely doesn't want to hear that her food/drinking is impacting the time I do tend to get. She is also a night owl, and I am not. So I inherently lose time, everytime.
I know she is working at it, and I have gotten some time, like mini dates. However, I REALLY crave more intimacy then I can get.
I am... being patient and keeping comms open, I dont want things to come to a head, since I dont have the self esteem to support giving up.
Alright, full on vacation mode now. My wednesday night sleep over got cancelled. Unfortunately lots of stress and sleep anxiety cut that night out. While that always hurts (since sleeping with someone is a thing I enjoy) I do understand since I can have absolutely chaotic sleep anxiety.
Thursday we .. had lots of fun times. Started with a deep tissue massage of her scapula and upper back, then diving into some hip problems she has. Really helped her flexibility afterwards. Then went on a drive out to chill for some beer. I took her on an adjacent highway and showed her some of my favorite remote locations including a fun mountain valley beach. Thursday night went to see deadpool (we are huge fans) and both walked away saying it was the best of the 3 AND we need to see it again. The fight scenes were intense and I need to watch them a few times to catch all the nuggets.
Friday we went the bellingham, got some shopping done. We love driving around together. Music, conversation, flirting and teasing is the name of the game. I also made her a playlist (like the old days, being a gen-x there was so much romantic shit we did).. which she is going to listen to. Its funny our taste in music aligns pretty well. Surprising considering the age diff.
Went home last night, she didn't sleep well here on thursday, and today I plan to go for a mountain bike ride, and then pick her. Spend the day with her before dropping her off at her other partners place for the night.
Then its really time to get packing for my trip. Heading to ontario for 2 weeks and then florida for work for a week. I am unfortunately going to miss a poly meetup which has me really ... upset. I REALLY love the summer meetups. Its absolutely my jam and something I think about starting in april. So feeling fomo, jealousy and annoyance. A's new comet will be there.. ya fomo..
We had a big talk on love. This might be too much for one post, so .. the short version of it (and maybe this is worth a post)
I am poly
I have only said I love you to a handful of women in my life
There is absolutely a ladder of relationships in my life
The love I feel, when I feel it, is incredibly committed and intense
When I look at poly and how love is thrown around easily, I REALLY struggle to see value in that love (for me) and in fact have told people who tell me they love me, to not say I love you. It wont be reciprocated.
This ... pushes me in a direction of being really antsy and worried when my partners get involved with people in poly who love "everyone". I can't disconnect my intense feeling of love from what is effectively a fwb with whatever that love is.
That causes a commitment fight in my head.
(comets, LDR's etc are all things I can't do in poly, since I can fuck them, but there isn't enough there to love them)
I have been open longer than I have been poly, FWB, swinging,... all easy... loving so many people, and that love... feeling devalued... is a struggle.
Anyways it was an interesting discussion and as usually, just showed some of my differences between poly folk and myself.
in general.. today
My poly security is high, I feel fine knowing the time I am getting and how she is trying is working. I still get disappointed by the cancellations but in general feel ok. (the day of can be a small intrusive thoughts moment, but most of the time I can come back to her being in my life and giving me time)
Loneliness has been good, but I have been busy. Still reconciling how to find a friend group, but hobbies life etc. Busy is good for that.
Jealousy - still reconciling. I think I know I am not jealous of the relationship, but jealous of the person and the roster of people they have. My view of their handling of relationships in a devalued way but still calling it poly. (yes I know this is my bias, I am simply expressing my current truth). My jealousy that they have something I would like, but also know I cant because I respect myself and others too much.
I know the fix to this is to meet him so he becomes a human. Alas, with my trip, me missing this summer meetup, the likelyhood of me doing that soon is low. Not to mention as time goes on, I have inner embarrassment about how I am acting and it will be harder and harder to meet him.
Coming soon
Do I quit the poly group so I dont have to confront him
Do I go to a party and risk losing my mind
yay
Thursday we .. had lots of fun times. Started with a deep tissue massage of her scapula and upper back, then diving into some hip problems she has. Really helped her flexibility afterwards. Then went on a drive out to chill for some beer. I took her on an adjacent highway and showed her some of my favorite remote locations including a fun mountain valley beach. Thursday night went to see deadpool (we are huge fans) and both walked away saying it was the best of the 3 AND we need to see it again. The fight scenes were intense and I need to watch them a few times to catch all the nuggets.
Friday we went the bellingham, got some shopping done. We love driving around together. Music, conversation, flirting and teasing is the name of the game. I also made her a playlist (like the old days, being a gen-x there was so much romantic shit we did).. which she is going to listen to. Its funny our taste in music aligns pretty well. Surprising considering the age diff.
Went home last night, she didn't sleep well here on thursday, and today I plan to go for a mountain bike ride, and then pick her. Spend the day with her before dropping her off at her other partners place for the night.
Then its really time to get packing for my trip. Heading to ontario for 2 weeks and then florida for work for a week. I am unfortunately going to miss a poly meetup which has me really ... upset. I REALLY love the summer meetups. Its absolutely my jam and something I think about starting in april. So feeling fomo, jealousy and annoyance. A's new comet will be there.. ya fomo..
We had a big talk on love. This might be too much for one post, so .. the short version of it (and maybe this is worth a post)
I am poly
I have only said I love you to a handful of women in my life
There is absolutely a ladder of relationships in my life
The love I feel, when I feel it, is incredibly committed and intense
When I look at poly and how love is thrown around easily, I REALLY struggle to see value in that love (for me) and in fact have told people who tell me they love me, to not say I love you. It wont be reciprocated.
This ... pushes me in a direction of being really antsy and worried when my partners get involved with people in poly who love "everyone". I can't disconnect my intense feeling of love from what is effectively a fwb with whatever that love is.
That causes a commitment fight in my head.
(comets, LDR's etc are all things I can't do in poly, since I can fuck them, but there isn't enough there to love them)
I have been open longer than I have been poly, FWB, swinging,... all easy... loving so many people, and that love... feeling devalued... is a struggle.
Anyways it was an interesting discussion and as usually, just showed some of my differences between poly folk and myself.
in general.. today
My poly security is high, I feel fine knowing the time I am getting and how she is trying is working. I still get disappointed by the cancellations but in general feel ok. (the day of can be a small intrusive thoughts moment, but most of the time I can come back to her being in my life and giving me time)
Loneliness has been good, but I have been busy. Still reconciling how to find a friend group, but hobbies life etc. Busy is good for that.
Jealousy - still reconciling. I think I know I am not jealous of the relationship, but jealous of the person and the roster of people they have. My view of their handling of relationships in a devalued way but still calling it poly. (yes I know this is my bias, I am simply expressing my current truth). My jealousy that they have something I would like, but also know I cant because I respect myself and others too much.
I know the fix to this is to meet him so he becomes a human. Alas, with my trip, me missing this summer meetup, the likelyhood of me doing that soon is low. Not to mention as time goes on, I have inner embarrassment about how I am acting and it will be harder and harder to meet him.
Coming soon
Do I quit the poly group so I dont have to confront him
Do I go to a party and risk losing my mind
yay
This weekend was fantastic. Spent some great time with A and really connected. I do wish we could figure out the sleep over piece. Its a way I connect.
Today I am struggling. Lonely .. alone.. I quit my local poly group, I was really struggling feeling like part of the group.
Love has been on my mind. My love is.. big and important. My ex and I had differing opinions on love and I always felt like her love was devalued. She loved everyone which means she really didn't love anyone (my brain). I worry that's where this is going with a.. will I ever trust her love for me.. if she can love any/all.
Am I poly enough to be poly. The question has been in my mind since the day I fell in love with my first person.
Still think I feel secure in the relationship. I just don't know what to do with the rest. Standing alone in the community where I can meet people
Not sure there is a solve. But today kinda blows
Today I am struggling. Lonely .. alone.. I quit my local poly group, I was really struggling feeling like part of the group.
Love has been on my mind. My love is.. big and important. My ex and I had differing opinions on love and I always felt like her love was devalued. She loved everyone which means she really didn't love anyone (my brain). I worry that's where this is going with a.. will I ever trust her love for me.. if she can love any/all.
Am I poly enough to be poly. The question has been in my mind since the day I fell in love with my first person.
Still think I feel secure in the relationship. I just don't know what to do with the rest. Standing alone in the community where I can meet people
Not sure there is a solve. But today kinda blows