Ari's Blog - Beginning

[Ariakas]

Counsellor is coming up, which is good. I have been working on some things to calm myself. Including some medications

I created a list of things I know to be true. So if I start spiraling I can read it to ensure those concrete things keep top of mind, instead of those stupid low down things.
I have been reading up on some self esteem articles and books. Trying to wrap my head around how to be more comfortable

Traditionally, besides past 2 weeks, I am a super positive person. I have a good outlook on everything and I have confidence I will work through life. Stress the past few weeks has been rough around the edges. For all of life. So this is probably a cup is overfilled and it unfortunately fell to someone I love. I dont have an active solution for this, beyond trying to remain positive. Positive that my needs will be met, not negative will happen and trust her.

Now to the uncomfortable truth. Great weekend. amazing weekend, but woke up yesterday with a pretty major spiral. Bad dreams, almost no sleep really effected me. Did some things I know I would hate, and I also tell people they shouldn't do.. really negative experience. Its hard not to catostrophise the negative impact of that experience with my gf. Really hard. I have no idea why I would think ...

2 years of amazing relationship
14 days of intermittent struggles with lets say 4 days of me being an ass

would result in anything majorly negative. But thats what my brain is trying to tell me. Why do I feel like I am writing the end game of this relationship on the wall with only 14 days of trouble.

 

[kdt26417]

Nothing in life is 100% certain, I have to say that much. But you are wise to try and put it in perspective that you and your girlfriend have much more of a positive history together, than you do a negative. Tell her you're sorry, that you know you were being a jerk, and ask her for a second chance. Odds are good that she will be willing to forgive and move forward.

 

[Ariakas]

Nothing in life is 100% certain, I have to say that much. But you are wise to try and put it in perspective that you and your girlfriend have much more of a positive history together, than you do a negative. Tell her you're sorry, that you know you were being a jerk, and ask her for a second chance. Odds are good that she will be willing to forgive and move forward.

Yes, this makes sense. And it worked out. So yay me

Bunch of random brain spluges coming. Apologies.

So much positive, so many discussions and she is so accepting. Really a gem. So through a lot of back and forth, I feel safe...r..

I keep coming back to, why do I keep posting. Most of the people I was close with are long gone, most aren't even poly anymore having moved into monogamy. I have facebook groups and discord groups, but ... none have a way for me to express my thoughts in a threaded manner and for that matter safely. And who knows maybe if people see even someone with 25 years experience in enm can struggle, it will help them. Honestly, I feel very alone in poly nowadays.

I am just in shock and I am struggling.
All the usual feels but I think I have them moderated. I have said this before in poly but I wish I didn't give a fuck. I wish I could just go out and date more folks without concern for others, so that when other people date it doesn't hurt as much knowing eventually I will lose time.
It sucks being the "third" in the relationship and knowing if time gets impacted, its likely mine.

We have also started talking about the flirting, I love flirting, passive or active. Apparently I have forgotten how to lightly flirt to ramp someone up. So now I need to remember what flirting is and try and do better. Otherwise I might not be able to get this part of the relationship back. Too aggressive. My brain broke with this info...

Sexually I am ... jesus... like a teenager. I am poly but the reality is I do in fact like sex. I dont need love to fuck but I do need fucking to love. Don't really know what I am trying to say here but I am struggling. I feel a massive amount of sexual desire for my humans but it is no longer reciprocated equally. Maybe my NRE/lust lasts longer than others. I know this happened with my wife, she stopped enjoying me and enjoyed others, so I stopped trying. Took me time to refind her, but the passionate part is replaced by normalcy (we are 25 years in, so there is that)

I am petrified to date. Lots of reasons, between self esteem, confidence, sexual confidence... and throw in... terrified of losing time with those I love. I am at a loss to make it work sometimes. Which means when others date so many people I am at a loss for how they do it without people getting hurt. Another reason why dating scares me, I despise condoms, its an instant hardon killer and I have never been able to get over it. Dont even get me started on rejection.

Back to not giving a fuck. Why should I care, she should be free to date who she wants and I shouldn't give a fuck about my time being lost.

The therapist helped quite a bit in many ways and will continue to help. I struggle with self esteem, in a world filled with perfect bodies and large cocks I really struggle to feel relevant at 50. Heck in my community all the guys look the same, the millennial look. Tall, pudgy and long beards. Again I dont fit the mold or attraction most people want. And yes it isn't all about the sex, but above I mention its important to me. This round we really went after my past. What created both my strength and my weakness. It was an interesting snapshot into myself. 9 years old was a foundational year for me, with some extraneous times after that.

I was hyper sexual at 9. Test kicked in and I was ready, no one else was and old girls .. well lets just say I have self confidence problems for a reason
I was also in a fight or flight response constantly growing up as a latchkey kid in an incredibly violent area.
By 9 I was over 5'7 and growing. Any affection or cuddling or vulnerability I showed was teased by the girls I know and didn't know.
by 9 I was parentified
Working at 9 (multiple newspaper routes) and starting to contribute to the household, working a regular job by 14.

I wasn't allowed to be a kid surrounded in adult problems. I didn't really get to explore my childhood with safety.. maybe I never learned how to ask women out. As an adult I have gotten lucky, people have shown interest and then I know. I didn't learn how to take rejection.

I was a man when I should have been a boy

More work to follow.. she gave me homework. I dont see where it is going to help with my self worth in relationships but I am sure she has a plan. At the very least she has me crying haha

I keep coming back to.. maybe I am not poly... enough.
I keep thinking, man it would be easier to be just enm again..
man I wish I had some self confidence and self esteem

Side Tangent...
So its really hard to find positive poly posts. I understand that poly has become bigger these days, but with the positive growth comes negative posts throughout the web. Especially when searching for the things I am trying to figure out. There are so many people scorned by poly now. I am not sure if I am sad for them, or sad for me.

 

[Evie]

I didn't know you from the early days here, but I'm glad you're back and reintroducing yourself. Thank you.

 

[kdt26417]

That's a rough childhood, I don't think you ever had a chance to develop a sense of self-worth. I am not overly poly myself, I just have one partner (and a long-distance girlfriend overseas), and I'm not looking for more. The sex thing has been a mixed package for me, I used to be starving for sex all the time, nowadays I basically don't need it and that is convenient for me.

As for negative poly posts, this forum has always been a resource for people who are struggling with negative poly situations. You can come across more positive on this blogs board, but even then everyone has a bad day now and then. My blog is pretty boring, things are routine and nothing changes much from one day to the next. In my eyes, I am fortunate to be bored.

It sounds like things are working out well for you with your girlfriend, I am glad to hear that. I can't tell, is there a libido mismatch there? I am thinking that is a recurring problem for you, although I could certainly be wrong. I don't know what the answer is, sometimes you can work out a compromise that you both can live with.

 

[Ariakas]

That's a rough childhood, I don't think you ever had a chance to develop a sense of self-worth. I am not overly poly myself, I just have one partner (and a long-distance girlfriend overseas), and I'm not looking for more. The sex thing has been a mixed package for me, I used to be starving for sex all the time, nowadays I basically don't need it and that is convenient for me.

I was actually there at one point, due to low testosterone. In many ways parts of my life were easier. Other parts were much harder.

I guess, honestly, I would take the hyper sexual. I identify as a sexual person, so without it, why am I useful besides the money I earn.

As for negative poly posts, this forum has always been a resource for people who are struggling with negative poly situations. You can come across more positive on this blogs board, but even then everyone has a bad day now and then. My blog is pretty boring, things are routine and nothing changes much from one day to the next. In my eyes, I am fortunate to be bored.

Sorry I re-read what I wrote, and I meant posts in the internet. Like articles. Not the posting here. Like looking up "not giving a fuck polyamory" did not garner the results I wanted hahah

This place as long as its been available is a place of solace and support. Some early years were not (we had some doozies with the vic crowd splitting, the franklin fiasco, and then a period of time with empathy left the room and the more abusive posters remained making the space unsafe for everyone but those they deemed worthy of poly)... amazing but other years were kick ass. Negative posts are peoples vulnerabilities and fears in one place. A necessity to support and belonging, it was always the power of this location.

It sounds like things are working out well for you with your girlfriend, I am glad to hear that. I can't tell, is there a libido mismatch there? I am thinking that is a recurring problem for you, although I could certainly be wrong. I don't know what the answer is, sometimes you can work out a compromise that you both can live with.

Its hard to describe, when we are together our libidos align, but she doesn't always want intimate dates. Which I also love, the loving non sexual dates are special. But damnit I really wanna break a bed.

So its a mismatch in the sense. Add in my 10 year old wanting his daddy a lot and all of the other factors such as her cancer treatments, time and my new inability to flirt well (used to be my super power, now its not), we just cant align stars as frequently as we both would like ... is likely the best way to think about it. My star is more readily aligned then hers it feels like.

 

[Ariakas]

I didn't know you from the early days here, but I'm glad you're back and reintroducing yourself. Thank you.

Thanks, happy to be back. I always appreciated the place, used to be heavy in the vancouver and victoria area in the early days, so we ever had camping and meetups. Was always good until things exploded.

 

[Ariakas]

That's a rough childhood, I don't think you ever had a chance to develop a sense of self-worth.

... ya... my worth was tied to my power, my strength. Which works exceedingly well in business. As my gf says, I walk in a room and I own it every time. People notice my stature and confidence. Socially especially.

Stick me in a setting with a woman who I am not confident is interested in me, and I am a 9 year old who doesn't have a clue what to do.
Until I know there is interest
Then I break beds and ravage them (primal sadistic top hence the stronger terms for sex)

That usually takes a lot of hidden masked discussion to figure out if they are size queens or not, which I immediately have to exclude.

I have confidence, power and self esteem in everything except dealing with women I have crushes on.

I am not overly poly myself,

If.. my gf came to me and said I fucked someone. I would be like cool. congrats, hope it was fun
same gf comes to me and says I am crushing on someone and will date them and fuck them. I fell into the above habits.

Sex by itself is ... not concerning.
Losing time, or sacrificing a part of my relationship for them... thats a struggle

 

[kdt26417]

I am still capable of having sex and it is still enjoyable to me, I'm just in more of a, "I could take or leave it," type of frame of mind nowadays. Snowbunny also isn't interested in sex, so to be honest we just aren't having it anymore. Our interactions are just talking, going places together, and watching stuff on TV. Sounds pretty depressing when I put it like that, but I'm not depressed.

It sounds like you are encountering posts/articles that cast polyamory itself in a negative light. Like saying poly is unhealthy, even saying poly is selfish, immature, and immoral. This was always bound to happen, as poly received more attention and awareness, there are people who aren't ready to consider poly in a positive light. I'm not a conformist, so these kinds of posts/articles don't bother me.

I take it time and opportunity are the real obstacles to you and your girlfriend having sex as often as the both of you would like. It's true, as we get older, new obstacles tend to crop up. I'm sorry to hear about her cancer. That obviously takes precedence, nobody wants her to die young. I can see where you would have a need to date more new people, while worrying that she wouldn't like it if you couldn't spend as much time with her.

 

[kdt26417]

Sorry I missed your last post, we are cross-posting.

I am very vanilla, but I haven't forgotten what it was like to crave vanilla sex and desperately need it. I imagine primal sadism belongs to the same family in that sense. In case it matters, I am entirely in favor of kink of all flavors, if mutual consent is involved then I say go for it.

It sounds like it is much harder for you to share someone emotionally, than it is for you to share them just sexually. Which is interesting, as I've heard that it is usually the female partner who struggles with the emotional sharing. Just goes to show you each person is unique.

 

[Ariakas]

I am still capable of having sex and it is still enjoyable to me, I'm just in more of a, "I could take or leave it," type of frame of mind nowadays. Snowbunny also isn't interested in sex, so to be honest we just aren't having it anymore. Our interactions are just talking, going places together, and watching stuff on TV. Sounds pretty depressing when I put it like that, but I'm not depressed.

Ya I corrected my sentence, came off stronger worded than I wanted. When my T was low, I couldn't even take it, so I projected a bit. Apologies.

It sounds like you are encountering posts/articles that cast polyamory itself in a negative light. Like saying poly is unhealthy, even saying poly is selfish, immature, and immoral. This was always bound to happen, as poly received more attention and awareness, there are people who aren't ready to consider poly in a positive light. I'm not a conformist, so these kinds of posts/articles don't bother me.

Yes, lots of that haha

I take it time and opportunity are the real obstacles to you and your girlfriend having sex as often as the both of you would like. It's true, as we get older, new obstacles tend to crop up. I'm sorry to hear about her cancer. That obviously takes precedence, nobody wants her to die young. I can see where you would have a need to date more new people, while worrying that she wouldn't like it if you couldn't spend as much time with her.

The way I stress about it. I relate to spoons

If she has 100 spoons a week now
30 go to work
25 go to husband
20 go to other bf
15 to 20 deal with health
5 to 10 go to me

She has no more spoons to deal. So adding, has to create a negative. Her health has improved (she is well passed diagnosis now) but she still had to work towards it, she cant quit and she is married (understandable primary). The spoons, or time, has to come from me. or Maybe other bf. Or maybe both.

It causes a situation I dont love. Which is finding someone interested in me. Which (and this is ironic) causes dating which I do love. haha..

I have to trust her to manage her spoons and that adding a comet wont hurt. Or.. I have to build protections to protect myself against the hurt, which will almost guarantee the relationship splits just a titch. If I protect myself, I pull back.

Feeling like a loose loose. I have never seen poly as additive. It ALWAYS takes from someone. It works best when that someone doesn't care about losing and just adds more. Thats never been me

 

[Ariakas]

Sorry I missed your last post, we are cross-posting.

Fast and furious posting.

I am very vanilla, but I haven't forgotten what it was like to crave vanilla sex and desperately need it. I imagine primal sadism belongs to the same family in that sense. In case it matters, I am entirely in favor of kink of all flavors, if mutual consent is involved then I say go for it.

I would say I am a kinkster, "primal" is just more ... how I feel when I am horny. Its a very aggressive topping experience but I dont view it as kinky, I just incredible lustful when I am with someone who wants me.

Consent is paramount.

It sounds like it is much harder for you to share someone emotionally, than it is for you to share them just sexually. Which is interesting, as I've heard that it is usually the female partner who struggles with the emotional sharing. Just goes to show you each person is unique.

Truth.
Sex is like basketball. Fucking is pleasure, sometimes even a release. Its enjoyable and a bit of a battle.
Love is... breathing.

 

[kdt26417]

No problem on the low T matter. I admit I've never had the problem where I *couldn't* have sex. I think that would be frustrating, on a number of levels. I have had times where I couldn't easily stay hard/cum, combined with a craving for sex, wow was that ever a difficult situation.

Love is an abundant resource (I say abundant rather than infinite, because can anyone love an infinite number of people?), but time, money, and energy are limited/scarce resources. So yes, anytime you add a dating partner, you have to subtract from the partners you already have.

 

[Ariakas]

No problem on the low T matter. I admit I've never had the problem where I *couldn't* have sex. I think that would be frustrating, on a number of levels. I have had times where I couldn't easily stay hard/cum, combined with a craving for sex, wow was that ever a difficult situation.

Low t was weirdly duplicative. Well actually lots of symptoms. It made me apathetic to sex. Contrary to how I have lived, I didn't care. That messed my brain
I gained a bunch of fat
Lost a bunch of energy
Lost 30 pounds of muscle

The combination of all almost destroyed me.

Love is an abundant resource (I say abundant rather than infinite, because can anyone love an infinite number of people?), but time, money, and energy are limited/scarce resources. So yes, anytime you add a dating partner, you have to subtract from the partners you already have.

... Accurate and honest.. definitely time to prep for that loss.

 

[Magdlyn]

Are you still with the same wife and gf you were with when you started this blog?

 

[Ariakas]

Are you still with the same wife and gf you were with when you started this blog?

Same wife yes (married 17 years, together 25). Very different gf's

The first women was my intro to poly, was a threesome bar pickup that I fell in love with. Elis
Second woman was Sourgirl, which I dated twice in a short period
Third was one I never spoke about really (except when the quad detonated), she was part of my quad, I was in a bit of a triad with her (thats the quad I already described)
The lastest is A, and been with her 2.5 years, is the relationship I am posting about now.

I had flutterings of women throughout that time, since I dont love all those I sleep with, they were women I dated, sometimes for months, sometimes one date. Not truly part of my story

 

[Ariakas]

So being canadian july 4th has nothing to do with me. Except. I work for a US company, so today is basically dead. I have a great day planned, some work on some SOW's I need to pull together, and some SOP's but outside of that. Mountain bike ride - going fast in the trees always settles my soul. Soccer with my kiddo. Then time to cleanup and prep for a date tonight. I am taking her on a remote picnic. Driving on some back roads through the mountains (where I tend to ride) to a nice location near a lake with some privacy so we can just relax and enjoy ourselves.

Happy july 4 those that celebrate, enjoy the day

 

[Ariakas]

Been thinking a lot of self esteem and self confidence.

As I have explained above, I have confidence. I walk into a room and I tend to own it. Comes from years of presenting to boards, talking to execs. I have no issues socializing or hanging out with folks. Its rare that I am intimidated in a situation. I have high value successes and skills. Self confidence is based around achievements, which I excel at.

My self esteem is low. I struggle with self worth and in poly I struggle with my worth over other partners. Really tied to two things, I am chubbier than I want, and not as endowed as I would want. Body dysmorphia for the upsell. Been a struggle since I was a kid, and hasn't stopped.

I know where my focus needs to lie, but I always assume when people are moving on from me, its because of my looks or dick. Unreasonable, incorrect.. yes. But in the moment, its hard to get it out of my head.

Ironically, I also have some body positive imagary too. Tall, broad, muscles, blue eyes, in decent shape (except for the extra fat). But I really beat myself about the gut and other.

40 years.. almost to the day, when I was hugely negatively impacted by an interaction with an older than me young girl. And holy crap has it effected me long term.

 

[kdt26417]

Well self-confidence and self-esteem are two different things. You seem to have the one but not the other. Sorry about the rough history you have had on that topic.

 

[Ariakas]

Well self-confidence and self-esteem are two different things. You seem to have the one but not the other. Sorry about the rough history you have had on that topic.

This is new knowledge for me ...