Ari's Blog - Beginning

ok so lets try to beat this moping. Journaling has helped, so lets keep that up.

I have started drinking again, if you read back I was someone who quite drinking, this situation has caused me to spiral, and drinking is ABSOLUTELY a depressant. I need to stop... step 1 tonight. Last night was dark... really dark. Dreams of hitting a strip club, finding some of my recreational past and drowning myself in hedonism. The ease of disappearing in a swirling toilet for a few days felt good at the time. I will leave the darker thoughts there, last night, yesterday... was not good for my soul.

I need to get re-focussed on the kids. Those little people are who matter, seeing me grumpy and non-communicative is not fair. Its selfish of me...

Redpepper and I reconnected and spoke briefly, I apologized for my disappearing act. I was not a good friend. She asked and challenged me with some great questions. Some of which form some of my thoughts. It was helpful and insightful

I think a lot of my.. concern is around fear.
  • Will I find another
  • I am older now and the groups I am seeing are super young, how is this going to work now that I am closer to 50. Its very good the community is growing younger, thats going to be an odd barrier to entry.
  • Will I find my people. To be frank this is a tough one but I struggle to relate to some of the poly commonalities.
  • Will I find friends outside of poly who accept the poly side without being freaked out
  • Feelings of sexual inadequacy (also my fear in swinging) is a problem for me.
I think my fears of the future have more to do with my current state then my actual ex. She is moving on faster than I can, thats for sure. She seems to be able to compartmentalize very effectively. But here is the funny thing, before she broke up with me, I was considering either ending the relationship or putting up boundaries. The time commitment of a second primary was tearing me to shreds.

There were other things as well, but I knew I wasn't happy, and it was coming up to a breaking point or a relationship transition or cut and run. She pulled the trigger quicker and more abruptly than me.

So there it is, I am not sure I would get back together with her, she wont with me, so why the fuck am I being miserable. I needed to figure out why I was acting the way I was.

I started seeing a counsellor and the first session was her learning about me. She was quite clear that I take on too much responsibility. And while I ended up being a hinge, I could not be two primaries to two sets of households. Even as a quad we were two distinct households.

I need to stay focused on these facts. The tangible items. So instead of me feeling like I wanted her back, I need to realize it was killing me. I need to realize there is no fault.. it came to its natural conclusion

So I obviously need self care
  • No more drinking (again)
  • More riding
  • More time with kids

All good starts. I also need to put effort into finding my people... both sides of my life
  • Active fit, outdoors, maybe a touch of extreme
  • ENM open people to discuss life with

Anyways, feeling more positive today, not sure if it will stick or what will stick. But I need to keep focused. I think I am realizing I miss being in a relationship, more than I miss the person. I suppose thats a natural progression after a breakup.

I still dont know what I want.. as in, do I want to actively look for partners. Poly has been and continues to be a job. Its a FUCK TONNE of work. It requires hours of dedication and honestly with kids in the house, a wife, a job and co-parenting other kids. My prioritization wont suit most people. I

Hopefully I dont spiral again in a few days.
 
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So sitting here today, getting ready for the next meeting but looking forward to tomorrow and wednesday. I have my cousin coming by with his wife. We plan to host them for dinner and some mountain biking. Also going to hit up the pool/hottub at the local rec centre to recover from some hard mountain biking

Cant seem to post a pic dangit.


I plan to talk with them about the relationships and my next steps. Since I still dont know .. things. Also want to get their feedback on my ex. I am slowly learning not everyone appreciated my relationship with her. I am trying to build a plan for my future and since we are all open/kink they are easy to talk to.
 
Sounds like a fun get-together, a productive get-together. You will be able to talk to them and get their perspective. Should be interesting.

I don't know how to post a pic (I've never tried).
 
kdt26417 said:
Sounds like a fun get-together, a productive get-together. You will be able to talk to them and get their perspective. Should be interesting.

I don't know how to post a pic (I've never tried).
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Luckily I know how, I was friends with one of the early developers of vbulletin... This forum seem to block everything but from known services and I couldn't "upload" likely due to size.

My guess its in an effort to defeat spammers and phishing. Since "poly" isn't heavy on the media or pictures blocking it makes sense
 
Ariakas said:
Luckily I know how, I was friends with one of the early developers of vbulletin... This forum seem to block everything but from known services and I couldn't "upload" likely due to size.

My guess its in an effort to defeat spammers and phishing. Since "poly" isn't heavy on the media or pictures blocking it makes sense
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I never post pix, but Bluebird does all the time on her blog. You could ask her.
 
It been a good month, blogging/journalling has helped me process. Counselling has helped me dive deeper into why things may have been the way they were.

I think for today, I have a better understanding of what I am, who I am and even what I want. This is a large relief and has opened me up to meeting new people.

I would recommend to anyone who internally struggles sometimes, to write about it. It helps you identify areas of growth or regression.

I realized the things I am
  • Sadist
  • Top
  • NOT Switch
  • NOT a just dom (If I dominate someone, I also have to top them and in turn have sex with them. I don't enjoy delineating power from action)
  • Sensualist
  • Poly
  • Non-monogamous
Knowing these things has helped me open up.. it has also lit a serious fire in my belly that I haven't felt in years. I buried some of those lines. I stopped the sadistic topping. I tried to be a verbal dom... I even tried to switch. All of those things I tried, impacted my identity negatively.

I also joined a local poly group and have met a wonderful person there. The skies the proverbial limit, but its been great to connect and explore who I am with who she is. Love the feels.

Hopefully soon we can have some meetups with greater group and I can physically interact. I dont mind spinning some words but definitely prefer in person.

The counsellor has helped me dig into some things that I wasn't expecting to dive into. Childhood memories of people labelling me. I was an angry kid. Angry at everything... in my early teens I saw a counsellor and learned how to repress the anger, which wasn't healthy. That said, I also wasn't angry. Longish story short, my parents loved me dearly but they studied psych and sociology. Which as a kid is terrible to interact with. Every interaction was an assessment of my well being. Every cartoon I watched was reviewed as a study of my current state. Fucking annoying having smart parents intellectually but not realizing I was a kid who wanted hugs without overthought.

How does that tie into me finding me. Well maybe it steered me into sadism. Maybe the sadism is a way of releasing pent up energy. Same with my high risk sports behaviour. Regardless, understanding that going to anger management as a teen, may have mislabelled me in my own head as an angry person, was wrong. I am not an "angry" person.

Anyways, good times in the future, lots more to learn and explore. Meeting like minded folks, exploring potentials and talking to the counsellor. 90 days ago (pre-breakup), I was a different Ariakas. I feel like myself again.
 
Random post over a long period of time. Whenever I struggle I seem to come here since my community isn't here. Safe space I guess. *waves to people that remember me*

Hit a rough patch, I have been dating a wonderful woman for 2 years, through some rough times like cancer treatments but it almost felt non impactful. She is amazing, understanding, communicates well, really... a perfect poly partner in many ways. Due to I guess a lowered libido (it was generally ok for me) she hadn't been dating anyone besides her original husband and bf. We are all friends, get along, never any sort of jealousy. She has now decided to consciously add a new comet (who knows) to the mix.

She commits to things not changing and even trying to do a bit more. So she says the right things, however I have a history of that breaking down quickly and NRE becoming toxic. I will be honest, I have not seen this done in a way that makes me confident in others. NRE for one, means depreciated value for someone.

Now comes the toxic, my toxic, including a night of drinking and depressive episode:
I am starting to feel like my time is replaceable. She has never really been able to sleep over, and now I am super conscious that I get limited time with her
My libido is more than hers (its more than most people) but I have been patient waiting for her to heal. Now we are out of NRE and she has a tonne of sexual energy for someone else (trust me I know this is douchy)
With her now lowered energy, and I can tell she is stressed trying to make this stuff work, I immediately go to "I should back away, I am no longer needed"
Outside of us, I am almost 50... I feel aged out in the community and honeslty I still dont generally mesh with poly people. 16 years of doing this.. maybe 15? .. and no poly people do the things I like. They game, board game, burners etc etc. Most stay up late, dont wake up early. I feel like I am alone in this large group of available people.
My self esteem is garbage now. Tied to ... things I am not sure I can talk about
My confidence in turn is shot... christ how do I date in this world

I always circle back to, maybe poly has never been a fit for me. I know I can love more than one, but ... how do people do this with lives. I have a job, hobbies. Most of my friends are not poly... I feel like I live in a lonely world when things get turned upside down.
 
Sounds like you are hitting a rough patch, I am sorry to hear that. My perspective is that fifty isn't that old, I am approaching sixty. Of course I am also introverted, and don't feel the need to date right now (other than Snowbunny, one partner is enough for me). Anyway I hope you get feeling better.
 
kdt26417 said:
Sounds like you are hitting a rough patch, I am sorry to hear that. My perspective is that fifty isn't that old, I am approaching sixty. Of course I am also introverted, and don't feel the need to date right now (other than Snowbunny, one partner is enough for me). Anyway I hope you get feeling better.
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Thanks, I think my challenge is how tiny the community is. I will elaborate below.

I spent the weekend with my gf, and last night speaking with my wife. I am figuring out party of what my problem is. Heck I even had dinner with my meta. Gf was amazing, telling me and giving me more time and honestly we truly connected. In fact, I came away knowing our relationship has hit a new level of intimacy and love. I am running out of words to call her, since girlfriend doesn't quite fit. Was lovely. This really isn't a poly problem. She is amazing, always. My wife too ... my rock.

Lets start with some positive which might shine light on the negative.

I am a confident person, I walk into a room, I can talk to anyone. I am a good flirt and in general can speak with and make anyone smile. Extroverted, tall, athletic (albeit on the now 50 and used to playfootball size athletism). I truly enjoy in person interactions with people. Eye contact is strong, business talk, politics, whatever I think I can carry a conversation and really get people thinking and talking. I am not even in the same political spectrum as most the poly folk, but we can still converse (except for vegans who eat fish.. they are just being dumb... you aren't fucking vegan)...

now the truth, and maybe the crux.

I have not once, in my entire life asked anyone on a date.
I have not once, in my entire lift broken up with anyone.

I have little self confidence around my attraction, I have next to no self worth when it comes to how I can sexually provide for a woman. So why would they say yes, why would they stay. Why wouldn't they go search out someone else.

I digest those sentences. Thoughts, and I can relate them all the way back to the beginning of this blog. In fact... thinking back this goes back to my early childhood, 9 years old and puberty raging in my body (yes I started young) and ... god the teen years. Fuuuuuuck... petrified, easier to fight, easier to hit people then ask women out. (I grew up in a rough neighbourhood in the 80s. Gangs etc, so I ended up fighting at least weekly to even get to school... it was an easy way to get my excess energy out and it protected other people since I was always the biggest and strongest, I could walk away relatively unscathed) Wow... ok, thats a diversion thought for another time.

I remember when I was 16, was flirting with two woman, one older 21, less attractive, and a smoking hot 17 year old. I chose to let the older woman win the pursuit because it was the easy button.

ok ok.. back on track. I get, itchy, when my wonderful chosen humans meet net new folks because I believe I don't have the worth to keep them around, they are bored with me and going to move on. I move into a mode where I want to back away, give them space, which really forces them away. I recognize now, I have done this to all of the woman I have loved, except my wife. Shit... I was an asshole... yikes.

So the inevitable crux comes, of my partners finding new people to engage in, and I immediately spiral that I need to find someone to fill time (yes.. I know, still an asshole).. and then realize the above points are still in my head. No one would want me sexually.

Potential lonliness hits.

So now (in my head) we are losing time, losing sexual attraction, and no one wants me, and I continue to push away because the person I love, deserves to be happy which means they need to be with the new person and not me.

40 years later, and still a 9 year old boy who is uncomfortable with his body.
 
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So bad to the community, I split my thoughts as I spiraled a bit there. At almost 50, I feel aged out of the community, which I know is a bit statement. Its smallish as in, almost everyone knows almost everyone. I struggle with the shame (read above) of not being good enough for someone, so when a new person comes along, the shame hits me like a brick.

So I end up retracting from entire communities. I have always walked away.

Self worth is a bitch especially when it expands to a larger group.
 
You seem to have some issues of self-worth that are causing you to back away from people, as you feel you are not wanted. Have you ever seen a therapist about this difficulty? It might be something to consider.
 
kdt26417 said:
You seem to have some issues of self-worth that are causing you to back away from people, as you feel you are not wanted. Have you ever seen a therapist about this difficulty? It might be something to consider.
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Yes... a few times. Big fan...
 
I mean were they able to help at all?
 
kdt26417 said:
I mean were they able to help at all?
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The one I have now, helped me a couple of years ago. Went well. Its been an incredibly long time since I have had these feelings with the spiraling and catastrophising. I currently have her booked weekly for a while.

So yes, in past, but maybe this part of it didn't come out since I wasnt overly whooped when my last relationship dissolved and I was trying to figure out how to co-parent successfully vs anything to do with my relationship.
 
Okay cool, it sounds like the one you have now is a keeper.
 
From your recent posts, I get the impression that you want to do better as a person as well as thinking your wife and partners deserve better. Your dilemma is a common thing and I can relate to your dilemma in some way.

I'm not giving advice, but I would like to share a little bit of my own experience.

This was a recent thing, but I was clinically diagnosed with depression. For most of my life, I thought I never had it. I thought that sometimes I get a little moody, and I don't know why. It doesn't help that family, some friends, and even my wife can trigger some intense feelings. Having depression is the worst because it's a condition that challenges your self-worth (it just comes out of no where).

I rather not cope, but rather take action. I think being pro-active helps because I'm trying to regain control of my emotions and providing solutions to my problems. Sometimes I feel disappointed that some situations I want changed will take a while, but the ones I can change sooner I will learn from it. Then it's a matter of trying to chip away the situations that gives me a hard time.

Overall what I got from being pro-active is a sense of purpose. With that I can build up my self-worth and naturally positive effects happen when I stay positive and be in a positive, supportive environment.
 
polytheparrot said:
From your recent posts, I get the impression that you want to do better as a person as well as thinking your wife and partners deserve better. Your dilemma is a common thing and I can relate to your dilemma in some way.

I'm not giving advice, but I would like to share a little bit of my own experience.

This was a recent thing, but I was clinically diagnosed with depression. For most of my life, I thought I never had it. I thought that sometimes I get a little moody, and I don't know why. It doesn't help that family, some friends, and even my wife can trigger some intense feelings. Having depression is the worst because it's a condition that challenges your self-worth (it just comes out of no where).

I rather not cope, but rather take action. I think being pro-active helps because I'm trying to regain control of my emotions and providing solutions to my problems. Sometimes I feel disappointed that some situations I want changed will take a while, but the ones I can change sooner I will learn from it. Then it's a matter of trying to chip away the situations that gives me a hard time.

Overall what I got from being pro-active is a sense of purpose. With that I can build up my self-worth and naturally positive effects happen when I stay positive and be in a positive, supportive environment.
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Pro-active. Can you define how and when you do this, so I understand the context. I due tend to be pro-active, however this one is punching me in the face. So I am curious how and where you use it.
 
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