Ari's Blog - Beginning

Ariakas

Bosun
ok so lets try to beat this moping. Journaling has helped, so lets keep that up.

I have started drinking again, if you read back I was someone who quite drinking, this situation has caused me to spiral, and drinking is ABSOLUTELY a depressant. I need to stop... step 1 tonight. Last night was dark... really dark. Dreams of hitting a strip club, finding some of my recreational past and drowning myself in hedonism. The ease of disappearing in a swirling toilet for a few days felt good at the time. I will leave the darker thoughts there, last night, yesterday... was not good for my soul.

I need to get re-focussed on the kids. Those little people are who matter, seeing me grumpy and non-communicative is not fair. Its selfish of me...

Redpepper and I reconnected and spoke briefly, I apologized for my disappearing act. I was not a good friend. She asked and challenged me with some great questions. Some of which form some of my thoughts. It was helpful and insightful

I think a lot of my.. concern is around fear.
  • Will I find another
  • I am older now and the groups I am seeing are super young, how is this going to work now that I am closer to 50. Its very good the community is growing younger, thats going to be an odd barrier to entry.
  • Will I find my people. To be frank this is a tough one but I struggle to relate to some of the poly commonalities. "Living" the geek lifestyle, hippy feeling, exclusionary behaviours of people not like them, gamers, 420 excessive etc. While I can appreciate their lifestyles (I am a professional geek and have been for 30+ years), living it as a lifestyle isn't for me. My roots are in athletics, sports, open political discussions. I did love that about my quad, we represented variety as much as we had a poly commonality.
  • Will I find friends outside of poly who accept the poly side without being freaked out
  • Feelings of sexual inadequacy (also my fear in swinging) is a problem for me.
I think my fears of the future have more to do with my current state then my actual ex. She is moving on faster than I can, thats for sure. She seems to be able to compartmentalize very effectively. But here is the funny thing, before she broke up with me, I was considering either ending the relationship or putting up boundaries. The time commitment of a second primary was tearing me to shreds.

There were other things as well, but I knew I wasn't happy, and it was coming up to a breaking point or a relationship transition or cut and run. She pulled the trigger quicker and more abruptly than me.

So there it is, I am not sure I would get back together with her, she wont with me, so why the fuck am I being miserable. I needed to figure out why I was acting the way I was.

I started seeing a counsellor and the first session was her learning about me. She was quite clear that I take on too much responsibility. And while I ended up being a hinge, I could not be two primaries to two sets of households. Even as a quad we were two distinct households.

I need to stay focused on these facts. The tangible items. So instead of me feeling like I wanted her back, I need to realize it was killing me. I need to realize there is no fault.. it came to its natural conclusion

So I obviously need self care
  • No more drinking (again)
  • More riding
  • More time with kids

All good starts. I also need to put effort into finding my people... both sides of my life
  • Active fit, outdoors, maybe a touch of extreme
  • ENM open people to discuss life with

Anyways, feeling more positive today, not sure if it will stick or what will stick. But I need to keep focused. I think I am realizing I miss being in a relationship, more than I miss the person. I suppose thats a natural progression after a breakup.

I still dont know what I want.. as in, do I want to actively look for partners. Poly has been and continues to be a job. Its a FUCK TONNE of work. It requires hours of dedication and honestly with kids in the house, a wife, a job and co-parenting other kids. My prioritization wont suit most people. Its one thing that is hard to describe to new people, being poly is like a job. Scheduling, communication, collaboration, financial management. In the end I will remain open to finding something, just not sure what.

Hopefully I dont spiral again in a few days.
 
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Ariakas

Bosun
So sitting here today, getting ready for the next meeting but looking forward to tomorrow and wednesday. I have my cousin coming by with his wife. We plan to host them for dinner and some mountain biking. Also going to hit up the pool/hottub at the local rec centre to recover from some hard mountain biking

Cant seem to post a pic dangit.


I plan to talk with them about the relationships and my next steps. Since I still dont know .. things. Also want to get their feedback on my ex. I am slowly learning not everyone appreciated my relationship with her. I am trying to build a plan for my future and since we are all open/kink they are easy to talk to.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Sounds like a fun get-together, a productive get-together. You will be able to talk to them and get their perspective. Should be interesting.

I don't know how to post a pic (I've never tried).
 

Ariakas

Bosun
Sounds like a fun get-together, a productive get-together. You will be able to talk to them and get their perspective. Should be interesting.

I don't know how to post a pic (I've never tried).
Luckily I know how, I was friends with one of the early developers of vbulletin... This forum seem to block everything but from known services and I couldn't "upload" likely due to size.

My guess its in an effort to defeat spammers and phishing. Since "poly" isn't heavy on the media or pictures blocking it makes sense
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Luckily I know how, I was friends with one of the early developers of vbulletin... This forum seem to block everything but from known services and I couldn't "upload" likely due to size.

My guess its in an effort to defeat spammers and phishing. Since "poly" isn't heavy on the media or pictures blocking it makes sense
I never post pix, but Bluebird does all the time on her blog. You could ask her.
 
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