My upbringing was by parents who studied sociology and psychology and exposed me to multiple religions to "figure it out". I landed on agnostic very young.
Ari's Blog - Beginning
- Thread starter Ariakas
- Start date
Well fuck. I never connected anything I was going through to christian guilt haha..
LaminarFlow
Member
Do you have some other guilt?
I wonder why you answered in another thread you do not consent to cross sharing info. Like zero? Absolutely nothing?
I was just going by Evie's comment.
Thats simple. My relationship is private with the person I am with. Cross sharing things like schedules etc is fine, we even have shared lives to some degree. But I dont want to hear about sexual exploits nor to I want anyone hearing about my sexual exploits. My story with my partner is not the fetish fodder of other people.
I am not an exhibitionistic or voyeuristic when it comes to the lens of other relationships.
Nothing to do with guilt. I am a pure hedonist, with the people I am fucking.
Ya its unlikely. I dont have guilt around loving more than one. I do have a clear relationship ladder (escalator) that only goes up. And I do struggle to understand the value of love if people love everyone.
My ex for example used to say she loved all friends and lovers. She could intermingle what they were between friends, play partners, lovers and more. I neither understood or completely figured out how that is feasible and how love can still be a word of value. Overusing it to represent every type of relationship diminishes its use. As her "partner" I found her overuse of the word devalued what I was to her (in both time and ... lets just say she sucked at household responsibility). Creating an interchangeability that did not appeal to me.
This from a guy who has had sex with lots, loved very few, and intensely loved even fewer.
So yes, I hold the word love, to a high bar. Not sure if thats christian or not haha.
I actually had another ex breakup with me because I told her I would likely never tell her I love her. She interpreted that to mean I wouldn't say the words, when in fact, I wouldn't feel love for her.
Both very simple and oddly complex.
(my comment was said in sarcastic jest, I wasn't offended ftr)
I will actually give two examples of what I mean.
A woman I was dating was struggling with one of her partners, for any number of reasons. They had one of those explosive relationships where every 3 days something was happening. She start sharing snippets of their chats with me to prove to me what was happening. That is a red flag for me. That and calling me daddy shut me down in regards to fostering that relationship. I told her my chats are private and I dont give her permission to share.
I had another potential whose partner got off on the details of her sexual exploits. She was only allowed date if she shared those details, in detail and ideally with pictures. Thats a not a chance in hell moment for me. I dont need to know, nor want to know about any sexual interactions. Red flag. (I also am not cuck fodder)
However, we share our fun moments, like travel, life, video games etc, amongst the group.
Is that clearer?
LaminarFlow
Member
Crystal, which is self-evident when it comes to sex. But in the other thread it wasn't about sex only, merely about general things about the other person as well, like hobbies, jobs, interests, milestones etc. Thought there was a hard boundary for you about that as well.
About the women. It's just really bad social etiquette, usually you can tell very early on what kind of style of communication they are using. None of these women sound poly-friendly to me.
I didn't interpret the other threat as the other stuff. Might have been my mistake. Life stuff (unless you are strictly parallel, and I mean strictly) is fine. I do know folks who maintain strict parallel rules too. I care less about that, then the sexual stuff. (permission should still be granted however... imho)
yes..
...
LaminarFlow
Member
I didn't follow your whole blog (apologies
) the Christian guilt stuff just caught my eye, and thought maybe you couldn't talk openly about certain things and I got reminded about your crossover comment.But I understand where you are coming from and agree on Sex Stuff Talk consent and strict parallel (though this is not my thing).
All good. It's a long ass blog spanning 15 years and multiple life changes.I didn't follow your whole blog (apologies
But I understand where you are coming from and agree on Sex Stuff Talk consent and strict parallel (though this is not my thing).
Sunday... To Monday night. I just crashed and spiralled. Really got into my own head and started focusing on the adjacent life stuff vs the truth of my relationship.
I am feeling secure in my relationship. A and i love each other, we chat often etc etc. It really is special
I ended up focusing on all of the wrong things and really crashed and burned. I ... Quit my local poly group where my cule are admins, further separating myself from the group that is closest. Out of sheer frustration that everything is so positive and caring, everyone is so open... No one talks about the hard stuff. Group of 500 people and 20 people post about how awesome poly is. Not the difficulties. The false narrative nauseates me.
I am also personally effected by my missing of the upcoming poly meetup. I really can't express enough how important it is for an extrovert who worships the sun and summer to miss this meetup. But in the end I likely couldn't go anyways because of my last reaction to meeting A's new comet (or whatever he is). I don't know when I can go because I don't know how I will react. I also know I need to meet to separate my anxieties from reality. I don't have a plan and its partially not my plan to make. I need A's help with this
There is more stuff, adjacent to where my focus should be. I can logically say "this is awesome" then my lizard brain kicks in and tells me all the things around it that suck the life out of me.
I know I should be focused on my relationship. The time she gives, the love we have, the everything she has done to reassure and ensure our relationship continues to grow and prosper.
Don't even get me started on dating. I hate short form dating apps. I have no idea how to do this shit. Especially now that poly meetups are off the table for the inevitable future.
I am feeling secure in my relationship. A and i love each other, we chat often etc etc. It really is special
I ended up focusing on all of the wrong things and really crashed and burned. I ... Quit my local poly group where my cule are admins, further separating myself from the group that is closest. Out of sheer frustration that everything is so positive and caring, everyone is so open... No one talks about the hard stuff. Group of 500 people and 20 people post about how awesome poly is. Not the difficulties. The false narrative nauseates me.
I am also personally effected by my missing of the upcoming poly meetup. I really can't express enough how important it is for an extrovert who worships the sun and summer to miss this meetup. But in the end I likely couldn't go anyways because of my last reaction to meeting A's new comet (or whatever he is). I don't know when I can go because I don't know how I will react. I also know I need to meet to separate my anxieties from reality. I don't have a plan and its partially not my plan to make. I need A's help with this
There is more stuff, adjacent to where my focus should be. I can logically say "this is awesome" then my lizard brain kicks in and tells me all the things around it that suck the life out of me.
I know I should be focused on my relationship. The time she gives, the love we have, the everything she has done to reassure and ensure our relationship continues to grow and prosper.
Don't even get me started on dating. I hate short form dating apps. I have no idea how to do this shit. Especially now that poly meetups are off the table for the inevitable future.
On a trip, I dont really wanna be on. In an area I don't care to be. Today is the poly party I am missing, the only summer party where I would thrive. Typically we would be at beach, seadoing or swimming or playing ball, instead stuck in doors with crap internet.
I... am REALLY missing A.. I don't think I am feeling lonely... but jesus h I am missing A. Weird feeling, in your gut and heart. Its going to be a few weeks before I see her again.
I... am REALLY missing A.. I don't think I am feeling lonely... but jesus h I am missing A. Weird feeling, in your gut and heart. Its going to be a few weeks before I see her again.
So circling back to jealousy. I am working through polysecure. Whatever the root causes are I am still feeling jealousy of her new .. whatever he is. And I dont know why. Seriously my brain tells me the facts
1 - I have gained time
2 - our connection is stronger now
3 - our sexual connection is back
4 - she isn't going to leave me
5 - she has made some strong commitments (even talking about poly marraige)
My ... lizard brain tells me
1 - she will leave me
2 - she wont have enough spoons
3 - this new person is "better" than
4 - she prefers going to parties with him and holding his hand
5 - I will lose time
Like.. fuck off lizard brain.
So trying to figure out why I dont feel secure in whats offer. I know I would love more time, thats part of it, but the reality is she does have 2 other full time partners and then my wife. She also has a full time job. So the reality is she cant give more time.
I also know part of it (lots of it) is tied to self esteem which I am also working on, been having some success chatting with folks online, as I push through some of my fears of rejection.
Its very weird how periodically my lizard brain full on defeats my heart and normal brain to take over and spiral.
So is my jealousy the root of my loneliness, or is the jealousy the root of all things going on in my brain
1 - I have gained time
2 - our connection is stronger now
3 - our sexual connection is back
4 - she isn't going to leave me
5 - she has made some strong commitments (even talking about poly marraige)
My ... lizard brain tells me
1 - she will leave me
2 - she wont have enough spoons
3 - this new person is "better" than
4 - she prefers going to parties with him and holding his hand
5 - I will lose time
Like.. fuck off lizard brain.
So trying to figure out why I dont feel secure in whats offer. I know I would love more time, thats part of it, but the reality is she does have 2 other full time partners and then my wife. She also has a full time job. So the reality is she cant give more time.
I also know part of it (lots of it) is tied to self esteem which I am also working on, been having some success chatting with folks online, as I push through some of my fears of rejection.
Its very weird how periodically my lizard brain full on defeats my heart and normal brain to take over and spiral.
So is my jealousy the root of my loneliness, or is the jealousy the root of all things going on in my brain
So I have put myself out there on a couple of apps. This has been interesting, since I have actually had some interest but I am second guessing myself. Even one woman from my old poly group I have been chatting too.
In all cases I either struggle to get a read on their interest and/or struggle to believe they are interested.
Low self esteem is a bitch.
In all cases I either struggle to get a read on their interest and/or struggle to believe they are interested.
Low self esteem is a bitch.
So my partner and I had a fight. Details kind of become irrelevant but the gist is her comet was available in town so she is having him over for a "visit"
I have only had that once in 3 years. Since she has anxiety about her place being dirty. I respect that. She recently had cleaners so the place is tidy..
Regardless this hurt.
So I expressed this to her politely explaining I was hurt why it hurt. And boy did I pick a bad time. She was busy with family and the next day lost it on me. Even used the words used so frequently "I am done".
Those words that stab deep, that run deeply into a part of me that has heard them before.
We patched a bit. She said sorry right away when I corrected the misunderstanding. But I am obviously still ruminating on it.
I think this has sparked or.. clarified a need of mine. Right now most weekends my needs are secondary to the existing quad. I get the left over day. Sometimes that means she's tired af, or hungover.
I have been getting more mid week dates. Usually no sex, but this has been nice. But damnit I want sex.
But in both cases I am constantly negotiating for that time. What time.. who knows but that time. I have no consistency in my relationship time.
Except for every 3rd friday.
And not to keep score but her other partner gets close to 24 hours a week.
I get between 4 and 8.
I .. don't feel wanted or desired anymore.
Sorry that was a divergence. So now I have expressed a need, got some bite back, is it time to stop. She has given what she can and I have to accept that and move on. Find someone willing to give some consistency.
We talk about the future and how more time will be available. But that's years from now. She needs to move, we need to move. So many things between now and then.
In the end... Am I not feeling what's it's like to be the third in a relationship.
I am tired. Sad... Can I reduce my needs without causing so much pain I don't become an asshole. Can I stay emotionally engaged while giving up... And trying not to bring out my inner avoidant.
There are days I wish I had stayed a simple unicorn hunter with no love. It was just so much easier to fuck .. then love.
Musings of the morning as I fly to Florida for work.
I have only had that once in 3 years. Since she has anxiety about her place being dirty. I respect that. She recently had cleaners so the place is tidy..
Regardless this hurt.
So I expressed this to her politely explaining I was hurt why it hurt. And boy did I pick a bad time. She was busy with family and the next day lost it on me. Even used the words used so frequently "I am done".
Those words that stab deep, that run deeply into a part of me that has heard them before.
We patched a bit. She said sorry right away when I corrected the misunderstanding. But I am obviously still ruminating on it.
I think this has sparked or.. clarified a need of mine. Right now most weekends my needs are secondary to the existing quad. I get the left over day. Sometimes that means she's tired af, or hungover.
I have been getting more mid week dates. Usually no sex, but this has been nice. But damnit I want sex.
But in both cases I am constantly negotiating for that time. What time.. who knows but that time. I have no consistency in my relationship time.
Except for every 3rd friday.
And not to keep score but her other partner gets close to 24 hours a week.
I get between 4 and 8.
I .. don't feel wanted or desired anymore.
Sorry that was a divergence. So now I have expressed a need, got some bite back, is it time to stop. She has given what she can and I have to accept that and move on. Find someone willing to give some consistency.
We talk about the future and how more time will be available. But that's years from now. She needs to move, we need to move. So many things between now and then.
In the end... Am I not feeling what's it's like to be the third in a relationship.
I am tired. Sad... Can I reduce my needs without causing so much pain I don't become an asshole. Can I stay emotionally engaged while giving up... And trying not to bring out my inner avoidant.
There are days I wish I had stayed a simple unicorn hunter with no love. It was just so much easier to fuck .. then love.
Musings of the morning as I fly to Florida for work.
Ok circling back around. Things have been going well... haha.. until today.
A has been working hard to give me the time I need
B has been getting more time with her partner
I have ... been generally fine with A seeing her new person, even a little celebratory. So wins...
I have also possibly narrowed in on a core problem. Maybe the core volume. I do not believe I am worthy of unconditional love, so if I feel like I dont have value to someone, then I am always replaceable. sex = value, money = value etc. If I am not the best at those then I am disposable.
I am working through my own personal value. Trying to ... get to a stage where I hold no value?.. haha.. so weird. There has always been an attribute assigned to me. So whats love without an attribute.
Now.. onto two problems I am really struggling with.
A is making lots of friends, all in other cules, joining other groups. All of her friends are in poly... and this type of future disruption scares the shit out of me. She is clear my needs will be maintained but... the chaos of this scares me. The potential forever disruption ... is petrifying. Her love is ever expansive... I just dont understand how to manage the "potential" chaos.
Secondary to this, my feeling of intense loneliness has come back. Seeing A interacting with other groups and me not being included. My existing group, not being included. I am not part of the poly world so my ability to expand is limited. My non poly friends its not an option and those are sports specific, so if I am not doing those sports, the interactions minimize. I feel incredible loneliness in my own skin.
So positives and negatives...
A has been working hard to give me the time I need
B has been getting more time with her partner
I have ... been generally fine with A seeing her new person, even a little celebratory. So wins...
I have also possibly narrowed in on a core problem. Maybe the core volume. I do not believe I am worthy of unconditional love, so if I feel like I dont have value to someone, then I am always replaceable. sex = value, money = value etc. If I am not the best at those then I am disposable.
I am working through my own personal value. Trying to ... get to a stage where I hold no value?.. haha.. so weird. There has always been an attribute assigned to me. So whats love without an attribute.
Now.. onto two problems I am really struggling with.
A is making lots of friends, all in other cules, joining other groups. All of her friends are in poly... and this type of future disruption scares the shit out of me. She is clear my needs will be maintained but... the chaos of this scares me. The potential forever disruption ... is petrifying. Her love is ever expansive... I just dont understand how to manage the "potential" chaos.
Secondary to this, my feeling of intense loneliness has come back. Seeing A interacting with other groups and me not being included. My existing group, not being included. I am not part of the poly world so my ability to expand is limited. My non poly friends its not an option and those are sports specific, so if I am not doing those sports, the interactions minimize. I feel incredible loneliness in my own skin.
So positives and negatives...