Ari's Blog - Beginning

ok so lets try to beat this moping. Journaling has helped, so lets keep that up.

I have started drinking again, if you read back I was someone who quite drinking, this situation has caused me to spiral, and drinking is ABSOLUTELY a depressant. I need to stop... step 1 tonight. Last night was dark... really dark. Dreams of hitting a strip club, finding some of my recreational past and drowning myself in hedonism. The ease of disappearing in a swirling toilet for a few days felt good at the time. I will leave the darker thoughts there, last night, yesterday... was not good for my soul.

I need to get re-focussed on the kids. Those little people are who matter, seeing me grumpy and non-communicative is not fair. Its selfish of me...

Redpepper and I reconnected and spoke briefly, I apologized for my disappearing act. I was not a good friend. She asked and challenged me with some great questions. Some of which form some of my thoughts. It was helpful and insightful

I think a lot of my.. concern is around fear.
  • Will I find another
  • I am older now and the groups I am seeing are super young, how is this going to work now that I am closer to 50. Its very good the community is growing younger, thats going to be an odd barrier to entry.
  • Will I find my people. To be frank this is a tough one but I struggle to relate to some of the poly commonalities.
  • Will I find friends outside of poly who accept the poly side without being freaked out
  • Feelings of sexual inadequacy (also my fear in swinging) is a problem for me.
I think my fears of the future have more to do with my current state then my actual ex. She is moving on faster than I can, thats for sure. She seems to be able to compartmentalize very effectively. But here is the funny thing, before she broke up with me, I was considering either ending the relationship or putting up boundaries. The time commitment of a second primary was tearing me to shreds.

There were other things as well, but I knew I wasn't happy, and it was coming up to a breaking point or a relationship transition or cut and run. She pulled the trigger quicker and more abruptly than me.

So there it is, I am not sure I would get back together with her, she wont with me, so why the fuck am I being miserable. I needed to figure out why I was acting the way I was.

I started seeing a counsellor and the first session was her learning about me. She was quite clear that I take on too much responsibility. And while I ended up being a hinge, I could not be two primaries to two sets of households. Even as a quad we were two distinct households.

I need to stay focused on these facts. The tangible items. So instead of me feeling like I wanted her back, I need to realize it was killing me. I need to realize there is no fault.. it came to its natural conclusion

So I obviously need self care
  • No more drinking (again)
  • More riding
  • More time with kids

All good starts. I also need to put effort into finding my people... both sides of my life
  • Active fit, outdoors, maybe a touch of extreme
  • ENM open people to discuss life with

Anyways, feeling more positive today, not sure if it will stick or what will stick. But I need to keep focused. I think I am realizing I miss being in a relationship, more than I miss the person. I suppose thats a natural progression after a breakup.

I still dont know what I want.. as in, do I want to actively look for partners. Poly has been and continues to be a job. Its a FUCK TONNE of work. It requires hours of dedication and honestly with kids in the house, a wife, a job and co-parenting other kids. My prioritization wont suit most people. I

Hopefully I dont spiral again in a few days.
 
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So sitting here today, getting ready for the next meeting but looking forward to tomorrow and wednesday. I have my cousin coming by with his wife. We plan to host them for dinner and some mountain biking. Also going to hit up the pool/hottub at the local rec centre to recover from some hard mountain biking

Cant seem to post a pic dangit.


I plan to talk with them about the relationships and my next steps. Since I still dont know .. things. Also want to get their feedback on my ex. I am slowly learning not everyone appreciated my relationship with her. I am trying to build a plan for my future and since we are all open/kink they are easy to talk to.
 
Sounds like a fun get-together, a productive get-together. You will be able to talk to them and get their perspective. Should be interesting.

I don't know how to post a pic (I've never tried).
 
Sounds like a fun get-together, a productive get-together. You will be able to talk to them and get their perspective. Should be interesting.

I don't know how to post a pic (I've never tried).
Luckily I know how, I was friends with one of the early developers of vbulletin... This forum seem to block everything but from known services and I couldn't "upload" likely due to size.

My guess its in an effort to defeat spammers and phishing. Since "poly" isn't heavy on the media or pictures blocking it makes sense
 
Luckily I know how, I was friends with one of the early developers of vbulletin... This forum seem to block everything but from known services and I couldn't "upload" likely due to size.

My guess its in an effort to defeat spammers and phishing. Since "poly" isn't heavy on the media or pictures blocking it makes sense
I never post pix, but Bluebird does all the time on her blog. You could ask her.
 
It been a good month, blogging/journalling has helped me process. Counselling has helped me dive deeper into why things may have been the way they were.

I think for today, I have a better understanding of what I am, who I am and even what I want. This is a large relief and has opened me up to meeting new people.

I would recommend to anyone who internally struggles sometimes, to write about it. It helps you identify areas of growth or regression.

I realized the things I am
  • Sadist
  • Top
  • NOT Switch
  • NOT a just dom (If I dominate someone, I also have to top them and in turn have sex with them. I don't enjoy delineating power from action)
  • Sensualist
  • Poly
  • Non-monogamous
Knowing these things has helped me open up.. it has also lit a serious fire in my belly that I haven't felt in years. I buried some of those lines. I stopped the sadistic topping. I tried to be a verbal dom... I even tried to switch. All of those things I tried, impacted my identity negatively.

I also joined a local poly group and have met a wonderful person there. The skies the proverbial limit, but its been great to connect and explore who I am with who she is. Love the feels.

Hopefully soon we can have some meetups with greater group and I can physically interact. I dont mind spinning some words but definitely prefer in person.

The counsellor has helped me dig into some things that I wasn't expecting to dive into. Childhood memories of people labelling me. I was an angry kid. Angry at everything... in my early teens I saw a counsellor and learned how to repress the anger, which wasn't healthy. That said, I also wasn't angry. Longish story short, my parents loved me dearly but they studied psych and sociology. Which as a kid is terrible to interact with. Every interaction was an assessment of my well being. Every cartoon I watched was reviewed as a study of my current state. Fucking annoying having smart parents intellectually but not realizing I was a kid who wanted hugs without overthought.

How does that tie into me finding me. Well maybe it steered me into sadism. Maybe the sadism is a way of releasing pent up energy. Same with my high risk sports behaviour. Regardless, understanding that going to anger management as a teen, may have mislabelled me in my own head as an angry person, was wrong. I am not an "angry" person.

Anyways, good times in the future, lots more to learn and explore. Meeting like minded folks, exploring potentials and talking to the counsellor. 90 days ago (pre-breakup), I was a different Ariakas. I feel like myself again.
 
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